The NHS is squeezing fat patients into skinny suits, to give them an idea of what it feels like to be slim.
Imported from the US at a cost of £1,000 each, the suits can compress a 400-lb woman down to a size 10 dress size: the process uses something called ‘gut wax’ and an industrial vacuum.
It’s hoped that the suits will provide an insight into just how hard it can be to roll some of their fattest fellow patients from the ward down to the vending machines and back, and perhaps establish a glimmer of self-loathing, moderation and personal responsibility.
Anne Fallow is in charge of the trial, and explained the NHS’s new approach to dealing with the clinically greedy.
“We mustn’t call them ‘obese’, ‘tubby’ or ‘food-locked’, it can upset them”, said Fallow. “So now we refer to them as ‘bubbly’ or ‘jolly’. And this skinny suit is ideal for encouraging the morbidly jolly to be a little more miserable, or at least pause for breath between cakes.”
Made from industrial elastic and fitted with balloons, each skinny suit takes around 2 hours to fit to a lard-arse. “Once they’re in, we give each of them a large seal or a moderately sized walrus, and encourage them to try and give it a bed-bath.”
“With any luck, it’ll demonstrate that there are some advantages to weighing less than 35 stone. Or at least make them realise why we sometimes have to resort to a forklift.”
Malcolm Hornby was diagnosed as being ‘larger than life’ last year, a condition associated with being big-hearted. “This skinny suit took a bit of getting used to”, he admitted. “It’s been such a long time since I was able to shake hands with someone stood right in front of me.”
“But with this on, I can float around and make polite conversation with the nurses. And take the piss out of those ugly, fat bastards in the reinforced beds over there.”