Butter / margarine debate finally settled
Category Archives: Entertainment
Take That tax bill: Barlow asks top chum for mates rates
Yeah you and me we can ride on a star. If you stay with me Dave, we can rule the world. Yeah you and me we can light up the sky. If you stay by my side, we can rule the world…
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Filed under Entertainment
Jeremy Clarkson to be new Chairman of BBC as Lord Patten steps down
“Try sacking me now, ****ers!”
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Festivals to ban ‘legal lows’ starting with Coldplay
In a bid to cut down on the recent trend of public misery, a group of 20 festivals have banned the use of ‘legal depressants’ such as Coldplay and Radiohead.
“Although not widely used in public some festival goers have been known to sit in their tents getting low using headphones to inject legal lows such as ‘Yellow’ or ‘Creep’ directly into their ears,” one organiser told us.
Filed under Art, Entertainment, News
Max Clifford sentenced to eight years: news to be slightly less stupid until 2022
After Clifford and Saville other subjects of Louis Theroux documentaries must be getting a tad uncomfortable…
The UK experienced a slight IQ boost today as media ghoul and convicted sex offender Max Clifford was sentenced to eight years in prison for indecent assault. Without him and his particular brand of tell-all sleaze experts are predicting that the news is going to be a little less stupid until 2022. Continue reading
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Jeremy Clarkson filmed using N-word: announces he is to stand as Ukip MP
The patron saint of pub bores
In the wake of film coming to light that shows him using the n-word, Jeremy Clarkson has announced that he is to stand as an MP for Ukip in the Newark by-election.
“We’re delighted,” said Nigel Farage. ‘Ukip was been watching Jeremy’s performance for some time – an ignorant comment about Islam here, a Hitler salute there – and at last he’s met the required standards of racism to represent the party.” Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment, News, Politics
George Clooney engaged: straight single women now happy to let themselves go
We’re not shallow, we love him for his mind.
George Clooney has made his engagement to human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin official. The actor had long been regarded as the ultimate catch and now he’s no longer available millions of women worldwide are grateful to be able to at last pile on the pounds and go a bit shabby. Continue reading
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Britain in post-Cowell era, says former archbishop as X-Factor musical closes
No good ever comes from titles that end in exclamation marks. Apart from Westward Ho! We love it there.
The former archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, has told the Evening Harold that Britain is in a “post-Cowell era”. He cited the closure of the X-Factor musical I Can’t Sing after just six weeks in the West End as proof that people no longer believe in Simon Cowell in the great numbers they once did. Continue reading
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Shock as people mumble incoherently in a pub
Cornish pirates are renowned for their correct pronunciation.
Viewers are furious that a show about the Jamaica Inn contained incoherent mumbling, gurgling sounds and other fairly common pub noises.
In one scene, the barman Joss Merlyn explained something really earnestly and slowly just using vowels, as he attempted to sit carefully on the fire.
‘Erm a pira’, said Joss. ‘AAAAARRR! y’now. A pir. afur afurki pir. A PIRA! AAAAAARRR JIM LAD.’
At this point, his brother Jem aggressively disagreed with him, stating ‘ba..b…bullo’s. yerr a f…f…a big f**kern PIRATE.’
Others attempted to balance things on their face, and a young extra soiled themselves and then found it funny.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Entertainment
Review: ‘Oranges are not the only fruit’ focuses too much on horticulture
Mariella Buss-Stop
Mariella Buss-Stop reviews the Harold Player’s latest theatre production.
The latest production by the Harold players left an unpleasant taste in my mouth, and not just because I’m citrus intolerant.
Expecting a plodding yet faithful interpretation of Jeanette Winterson’s lesbian coming-of-age classic, I wasn’t prepared for quite such a long-winded and frankly angry diatribe on the taxonomy of vegetables.
The lead actress, made a good fist of being a lesbian, although it could be argued the dungarees were something of a tired stereotype. Smeared in mud (perhaps a metaphor for foul Pentecostal intolerance) and carrying a pig under her arm, the show opens with her silently getting her lettuce out.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Entertainment, Farming
Irish President ‘comes on a bit strong’ in the Royal Chambers
Do that again and one will nut you, do you understand?
What started out as pomp and ceremony and a little light pecking ended in a near-brawl in Buckingham Palace last night after Irish President Michael D Higgins ‘had a bit too much to drink’ and started coming on to the Queen.
Rumours had previously suggested he ‘might try to get in there’ when Scotland moves out, but it seems he could wait no longer to declare himself to Her Majesty.
“Things started getting a little raucous during after-dinner drinks,” said Harold teenager Melanie Delaney (19) who works part-time as a Palace waitress.
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Filed under Dating, Entertainment, International News, Royals
NZ Tour Latest: Kate Middleton to walk naked into fire with large, leathery eggs
Mother of George, and Dragon.
All eyes will be on the Duchess of Cambridge this afternoon, as she takes up her rightful role of ‘Mother of Dragons’ during the royal tour of New Zealand.
Wearing a red Catherine Walker coat initially to hide her royal nuddiness, the sylph-like Kate will disrobe away from the cameras. She will then slip into something a little less comfortable, namely an 80-foot high funeral pyre.
“Tradition dictates that the Lady Regnant of the Wider Gene Pool shall smoke an unsavoury hag during the birthing ceremony”, revealed a nerd inexplicably dressed as a dwarf. “She’s chosen Celia Wade-Brown, the mayor of Wellington, after the comments she made on Twitter.”
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Filed under Entertainment, Pagans, Royals, Vikings
Clegg and Farage square up for ‘The Rumble in the Colon’
Political lightweights battle for third place.
Billed as the fight of the century, this classic confrontation of brain & brawn echoes the 1974 Ali v Foreman classic.
Our sports and political reporters put their heads together to give readers this detailed prediction.
Setting the scene:
In the yellow corner, or it may be orange, no one really knows, Clegg: Never thought of as a big hitter, he is fast on his feet. The legendary ‘Clegg Shuffle’ bamboozles opponents, leaving them punching thin air as the maestro performs his trademark U-turns.
Taunting is a big part of Clegg’s armoury; ‘I’ll float like a butterfly, sting like a butterfly’ he says of the forthcoming contest.
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Filed under Entertainment, Politics, Sport
Cameron admits: ‘I would vote UKIP’
Cameron ‘would be happy’ to share Number 10 with Farage.
With just days to go until a TV debate between Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage, Prime Minister David Cameron revealed that he ‘would be happy to vote UKIP’.
“UKIP’s beliefs are remarkably similar to those of the traditional tory voter”, explained Cameron. “But they focus on the beliefs we wouldn’t dare admit to.”
Anti-Europe, anti-immigration and anti-foreign aid, UKIP ‘is like catnip’ to many members of Cameron’s cabinet. “Obviously, in public we have to denounce all of UKIP’s awful, bigoted policies”, said William Hague. “But that doesn’t mean that in private, we can’t try and vote them in.”
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Stoke given Freedom of Robbie Williams
Freedom of Robbie Williams has only been granted to a few fortunate households.
The city of Stoke-on-Trent has finally been released from its shackles, following the granting of the Freedom of Robbie Williams.
Stoke-on-Trent, which is technically a group of six manufactured boy towns, has suffered from Robbie Williams for two decades.
‘This is a blessed relief’ announced the smallest town with a grating voice, Tunstall. ‘That tattooed entertainer has been difficult to live down to. We might be a bit scruffy, short on talent and prone to nicking other people’s songs. But at least now, we don’t have to pretend to be interested in tone-deaf, middle-aged divorcees.’
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Filed under Entertainment, News, Showbusiness
Russell Crowe to play SuperTed in dark ‘re-imagining’ of 80s cartoon
Method actor: In preparation for his new role Russ begins to grow his fur.
Anticipation over the forthcoming SuperTed film has today reached fever pitch with the announcement that Russell Crowe has been cast as the eponymous superhero.
SuperTed, formally an early 80s cartoon character voiced by Derek Giffiths, has been ‘reimagined’ by Batman director Christopher Nolan who has turned it into a much darker tale. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, News
Shadowy pink rubber figure vows to ‘buy Noel Edmonds’
‘Owning Edmonds would be a dream come true’ claimed Blobby.
A secretive enormous lump of wobbling pink latex has revealed plans to ‘buy Noel Edmonds’ in order to improve television immeasurably.
Known only as ‘Mr Blobby’, the mysterious investor claimed ‘Edmonds is broken’ and that allowing him to continue was ‘sleep-walking towards disaster’.
The value of Noel Edmonds is extremely hard to measure, particularly in terms of talent, intelligence and likeability. But somehow, Mr Blobby hopes to scrape together around £1.50, which should more than cover the cost of his total assets.
As with more cherished institutions, Noel Edmonds is thought ripe for asset stripping. Small, tidy beards are considered a delicacy in Vietnam, and an ounce of Edmonds’ gall bladder bile is used to enhance insincerity in remote Chinese villages.
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Filed under Entertainment, News, Showbusiness
Workplaces empty as thousands call in sick with Titanfall plague
We have no idea what’s going on there but we’re sure it’s more exciting than an inter-department strategy meeting.
Workplaces across the country are empty or severely understaffed this morning as hundreds of thousands of people have called in sick with Titanfall plague. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, Technology
‘Future celebrity murder trials to be Pay-Per-View’, Sky announce.
Following on from the previous success of the OJ Simpson trial, and now the Oscar Pistorius murder trial, Sky have announced the next big ‘celebrity murdering partner’ court case will be pay-per-view.
“Of course it is sad that someone has to die in these cases, and if we could somehow have a murder trial without it then we would,” a Sky Box Office spokesman said.
“But that aside, there is money to be made. With added revenue from an armchair jury willing to pay £15 a week for the entertainment, we could get Ant and Dec to present it with expert analysis from law experts and previous defendants.” Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Entertainment, News
Crufts chooses 2014’s ‘Most Inbred Dog’
Oedi comes from a proud line of dogs that have all been in their mother at least twice.
A West Norfolk Terrier has seen off some tough opposition to be crowned Crufts 2014 ‘Most Inbred Dog’.
With paper-thin skin, no kidneys and a face racked with pain, ‘Swingalong Oedipus IX’ was recognised by judges as the best example of his inbreed, at least amongst the few that survive.
“The finest ones, the ones with no jaw and those darling webbed eyelids, well most of those don’t live much longer than a month”, said trainer Helen Delaney. “And that doesn’t give us much time for weaning, having a pace maker installed or training them for the show arena. Mother Nature can be awfully cruel.”
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