The city of Stoke-on-Trent has finally been released from its shackles, following the granting of the Freedom of Robbie Williams.
Stoke-on-Trent, which is technically a group of six manufactured boy towns, has suffered from Robbie Williams for two decades.
‘This is a blessed relief’ announced the smallest town with a grating voice, Tunstall. ‘That tattooed entertainer has been difficult to live down to. We might be a bit scruffy, short on talent and prone to nicking other people’s songs. But at least now, we don’t have to pretend to be interested in tone-deaf, middle-aged divorcees.’
Stoke-on-Trent has witnessed a decline in recent years, with people favouring groups of younger towns who can play their own instruments.
‘Perhaps now, we can finally stop pretending that the boss-eyed lumpen town of Longton will write us a hit album’, claimed the youngest town, Hanley. ‘And we no longer have to do interviews with lewd references to our girlfriend’s ‘fu-fu’.’
Fenton and Burslem are considering forming a duet, in which they’ll write songs about something original and hesitate before taking their tops off when they run out of ideas.
‘The freedom from Robbie Williams certainly gives us the chance to move on’, re-iterated Stoke-on-Trent. ‘Maybe now he’s banished, we can concentrate on our genuine illuminati. Namely Lemmy, Slash out of Guns n’ Roses and the frankly quite brilliant-yet-humble Staffordshire oatcake. When you’ve got those beauties on your doorstep, you don’t need a second, leathery-skinned vessel for warmed-over cheese.’