A secretive enormous lump of wobbling pink latex has revealed plans to ‘buy Noel Edmonds’ in order to improve television immeasurably.
Known only as ‘Mr Blobby’, the mysterious investor claimed ‘Edmonds is broken’ and that allowing him to continue was ‘sleep-walking towards disaster’.
The value of Noel Edmonds is extremely hard to measure, particularly in terms of talent, intelligence and likeability. But somehow, Mr Blobby hopes to scrape together around £1.50, which should more than cover the cost of his total assets.
As with more cherished institutions, Noel Edmonds is thought ripe for asset stripping. Small, tidy beards are considered a delicacy in Vietnam, and an ounce of Edmonds’ gall bladder bile is used to enhance insincerity in remote Chinese villages.
But Mr Blobby hinted that he might just keep him in a cellar, well away from any cameras or microphones.
Speaking through an interpreter, the big rubber twat explained that he would enjoy using Edmonds for entertainment. “I will tie him over a barrel, fall over him and muck him with custard”, he promised. “It will be a bit like that scene in the pawn brokers in Pulp Fiction. Similar, but much more annoying.”
With his buttocks painfully exposed and no-one with in earshot of his whiney voice, Edmonds might have to put up with his tormentor repeatedly banging into him, and screaming ‘Blobby, Blobby, Blobby.’
“The only thing that can save him now is Bruce Willis turning up, and stoving his head in with a toaster”, said the interpreter, Keith Chegwin.
“Perhaps after that, a culturally diverse team to get medieval on their bottoms. And by ‘medieval’, I don’t mean ‘Noel Edmonds’ House Party’.”