Nicola Sturgeon says the SNP will be a positive influence in a Coalition government with Labour, and she will breastfeed and toilet Ed Miliband until he is old enough to start taking care of himself.
“The Tories can scare-monger all they like but what could be more natural than Ed suckling from my left nipple while we form policy? It is certainly better than some tired old formula” said a glowing Sturgeon.
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Filed under Election 2015, Election 2015, Politics
Farage enjoying a pre-coital cigarette
“Our MPs are renowned for cavorting with call girls, each other’s spouses, bondage mistresses, barely legal school children, and sundry animals in all sorts of locations. Our image would be ruined if we merely got into a plain old bed with Mr Farage. The Conservative Party has very high double standards to maintain” said Mr Gove.
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Filed under Election 2015, Election 2015, Politics
Appropriate use of an NHS blanket?
The police have launched an investigation following accusations that Ed Miliband was stabbing the British people in the back with the Trident replacement.
In a statement a spokesperson for Westminster police confirmed the Labour leader was to be questioned later today.
“At this stage we’re not sure how anyone could be stabbed with a nuclear missile, but whenever we receive allegations of wrongdoing, even from the Daily Mail, we are duty bound to investigate to ensure a criminal offence has not been committed.” Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Election 2015
The man that does the lips previously operated Jabba the Hut’s ringpiece.
With less than a month to go until the most dismal general election for decades, voters are pleading with the establishment to show them ‘the proper candidates now’.
Fed up with a wall of cartoon morons who you wouldn’t leave alone with your children, voters think it’s about time they came clean and showed us the real people.
“They spend a lot of time trying to look normal, some of them even pretend to eat”, said Harold’s Pippa Delaney. “But you can tell they’re just puppets because their eyes don’t work properly.”
Concerns were raised when a still-crumpled Cameron was emerged from a box on a bus in Wales, and a muddled-up Miliband was filmed blinking with his mouth.
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Filed under Around Harold, Election 2015
France hasn’t bought Nigel so much as a drink.
Nigel Farage has unveiled his party’s economic policy, and within it, plans to make the French pay our taxes.
In a move which would shift the financial burden from working class, middle class and upper class Brits, UKIP will instead tax someone else entirely.
“I’m sure we’ve all heard of the French”, said Farage. “And what the people on the streets are telling me, is that a lot of the French aren’t currently paying any tax at all in the UK.”
“They’re just idling away in their own country, and refusing to fill in British tax returns. That’s typical of them, and so many others in Federal Europe.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Election 2015
Note to self: don’t clap your own jokes.
A list of pre-prepared notes has been found in Ed Miliband’s dressing room, following the TV debates. The Evening Harold can exclusively publish them in full.
My mother-in-law is so fat, she qualifies for a free flu jab and disability allowance. Quite right too, it’s a serious condition.
A welsh woman, a scots woman and a hungarian go into a bar. They form a coalition to keep the tories out.
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Filed under Election 2015
IDS learns of benefit claimant deaths
The Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre (CEOP) has called on porn-mongers to protect on-line youngsters from the Conservatives
CEOP’s Alison Bright explains. “With teenagers being their biggest customers, they have a duty of care to the young & vulnerable. A kid could be quietly banging one out in his bedroom , to a laptopful of Roman orgy. Then, before he knows it, he sees a foam-flecked Grant Shapps on-screen, lying about something. Again.”
Filed under Election 2015, News, Sex
Sauron will brood menacingly for 5 minutes without saying a word.
Following Labour’s use of a Hobbit, Nigel Farage has revealed his party will also appeal to Middle England through characters from Middle Earth.
“We’ve got some excellent chaps in UKIP, and amongst the few that can read, we found one who’s actually flicked through a bit of Tolkien”, revealed Farage.
“He tells me it’s a story about how slightly different races aren’t supposed to get on, unless they join together and find a common enemy to pick on.”
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Filed under Election 2015
Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street
Labour has a fight on its hands to win the General Election, as it needs to gain 67 MPs to get an overall majority.
Ed Miliband will be hoping to win back many of the seats the party lost in 2010, and will also need to take some big scalps to get into Downing Street. Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2015, Labour, Politics
Put a ring on this Cameron.
Diminutive pot smoking, dragon baiting, hole dwelling dwarf fancier Bilbo Baggins has come out in support of the Labour Party for this year’s general election.
The pint sized adventurer has made a special video outlining why he believes Labour can win on trolling day 7th May 2015.
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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Election 2015, Election 2015, Labour, Politics, Tony Blair, Uncategorized
Harold resident and owner of the village’s trendiest establishment with ‘Veggie!’ in its name, Pippa Delaney, has spoken exclusively to the Evening Harold about a nightmare she had on Friday morning during a brief nap at 9:30am where she dreamt she was voting Conservative.
Although the nightmare was purely in Pippa’s head, the lover of all things organic swimming in manure says the experience is one she will never forget, and hopes it is a once in a lifetime event.
“The dream was so vivid I remember it like it was real,” Pippa told us. Continue reading
Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
With Labour seemingly reluctant to rule out doing a deal with the SNP to secure a coalition after the next election, the Conservative party have come under equal pressure to rule out doing a deal with the Devil to stay in power for five more years.
Speaking about his upcoming budget, George Osborne was asked whether doing a deal with the Devil would be a line the Tories were willing to cross.
“Obviously it is our intention to win the the election outright,” Osborne said, “but should the situation arise that the only way we can get across the line is to make a pact with the leader of Hell then so be it.
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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
New evidence that Nigel Farage may indeed be colour blind
UKIP will scrap laws preventing racial discrimination at work, says Nigel Farage.
Asked if he would retain a ban on discrimination on the grounds of race or colour, he said: “No, as a party we are colour-blind. Luckily, we can still make out light and dark shades.”
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Filed under Election 2015, idiots, Politics, TV
With the negotiations about a TV debate now more complex than the F1 rule book, politicians have been forced to seek sponsorship.
A particularly shiny PM was wheeled out to waiting fans, who couldn’t wait to tweet his new livery and nose around his rear. A precocious splitter was spotted, later identified as rival Nigel Farage, resplendent in traditional British Racist Green. Farage then held proceedings up braying about how nothing on earth would make him take ‘a Pole position’.
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Filed under Election 2015, Politics
Nick hears the call
Greece’s Prime Minister has asked David Cameron for Nick Clegg on loan, as he prepares for a massive climb down on pledges which brought him election success.
The untried Greek government has no experience of being in power and wants a seasoned u-turner behind the scenes to help with excuses.
“Nick is going to be out of contract in May anyway” said Cameron “so we’re lending him out a couple of months early, for 30 hours a week, as a condition of his JSA payment.”
Meanwhile Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis said he would ‘work night and day until Monday’ to devise the list of reforms. “Except for the weekend, obviously. No-one works weekends in Greece.”
Filed under Election 2015, Greek bail-out, International News, Politics
Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.
George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, charity, Election 2015, Election 2015, Health, Housing, Lifestyle, Medicine, Politics, Society, Troubled Families, Uncategorized
I want to be an engine driver. Woo woo!
With only 100 days until what is expected by nobody to be a closely fought general election, both Labour leader Ed Miliband and his Lib Dem rival, Nick Clegg have stated how excited they are at the prospect of a further 100 days remaining in charge of their respective parties. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Economy, Election 2015, Election 2015, Media, News, Politics
Always good for a laugh
Comedian Nigel Farage will stand in his guise as “The UKIP Leader” against Al Murray’s “Pub Landlord” at the general election.
Mr Farage, whose hilarious character is based around a hatred for all things foreign, has formed the United Kingdom Independence Party.
He confirmed he would stand for election in Thanet South, in Kent.
He said: “It seems to me that the UK is ready for a bloke waving a pint around, spouting mindless far-right bollocks instead of offering common sense solutions.” Continue reading
Filed under Election 2015, Showbusiness
The Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz has stepped in to replace David Cameron in the televised election debates, it emerged today.
Although famously suffering from a chronic lack of courage, the Cowardly Lion still apparently has more balls than the current Prime Minister.
Senior Tories have praised the Lion’s courage in sparing Cameron the horror of debating against the terrifying Ed Miliband and Nigel Farage.
“This Lion deserves a medal,” proclaimed former Conservative Party chairman Norman Tebbit. Now all we need is a heart for Iain Duncan Smith and we’ll be on a winner. And a brain. And a clue.”
It seem that the Cowardly Lion may not be the only stand-in for the debates. Reports are coming in that Labour are considering replacing leader Miliband in the debates with an empty chair – not because he is is afraid to appear, but simply because it is thought the chair will be more charismatic.
Filed under Election 2015, Showbusiness
In a bid to repair the damage to Ed Miliband’s reputation following his grilling by a singing competition winner, his PR team lined an easy interview that should have been almost impossible to cock up with the Cookie Monster.
Although he repeats the same phrase and has a famous inability to string a sentence together, Miliband’s team didn’t think it would hold him back against the Sesame Street character.
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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
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