Category Archives: Culture

by | April 26, 2014 · 10:00 am

Saying ‘some of my best friends are black / gay’ becomes easier with launch of ‘Token Friends’ website

"I'm not racist - some of my best friends are darkies"

“I’m no racist – some of my best friends are darkies” explained Gavin

A controversial new ‘Token Friends’ website has been launched to enable people to obtain a black or gay ‘friend’ and therefore be immune to any criticism that their racist or homophobic views are indeed racist or homophobic.

Token Friends founder Jenny May of Harold explained the website’s appeal:

“The sort of people who traditionally relied on the ‘some of my best friends are black / gay’ line to explain away their seemingly racist or homophobic rants now no longer have any black or gay friends left for some reason. Our website allows them to obtain that invaluable friend so they can continue explaining their ‘point of view’ down at the pub and in the online comments section of the Daily Mail.”
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, Sex

Tagged as , , , ,

by | April 24, 2014 · 10:00 am

Shock as people mumble incoherently in a pub

Jamaica

Cornish pirates are renowned for their correct pronunciation.

Viewers are furious that a show about the Jamaica Inn contained incoherent mumbling, gurgling sounds and other fairly common pub noises.

In one scene, the barman Joss Merlyn explained something really earnestly and slowly just using vowels, as he attempted to sit carefully on the fire.

‘Erm a pira’, said Joss. ‘AAAAARRR! y’now. A pir. afur afurki pir. A PIRA! AAAAAARRR JIM LAD.’

At this point, his brother Jem aggressively disagreed with him, stating ‘ba..b…bullo’s. yerr a f…f…a big f**kern PIRATE.’

Others attempted to balance things on their face, and a young extra soiled themselves and then found it funny.
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Entertainment

Tagged as , , , ,

by | April 15, 2014 · 3:08 pm

Review: ‘Oranges are not the only fruit’ focuses too much on horticulture

Mariella Buss-Stop

Mariella Buss-Stop

Mariella Buss-Stop reviews the Harold Player’s latest theatre production.

The latest production by the Harold players left an unpleasant taste in my mouth, and not just because I’m citrus intolerant.

Expecting a plodding yet faithful interpretation of Jeanette Winterson’s lesbian coming-of-age classic, I wasn’t prepared for quite such a long-winded and frankly angry diatribe on the taxonomy of vegetables.

The lead actress, made a good fist of being a lesbian, although it could be argued the dungarees were something of a tired stereotype. Smeared in mud (perhaps a metaphor for foul Pentecostal intolerance) and carrying a pig under her arm, the show opens with her silently getting her lettuce out.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Review: ‘Oranges are not the only fruit’ focuses too much on horticulture

Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Entertainment, Farming

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | April 13, 2014 · 7:00 am

Running the London Marathon? Villagers from Harold give you their tips for completing the jog.

20140412-231511.jpg

This year will again see villagers from Harold travelling to the capital city to take part in this year’s London Marathon. The course, which is 26 miles and 385 yards (or 36.232 Hectares in European), is a leisurely jog through the streets of the city going past many famous landmarks such as Tower Bridge, the Bullring shopping centre and the SS Great Britain.

Here at the Evening Harold we admire those that take part in the jog, but as most of us were the last to be picked in any sport at school due to our impressively consistent lack of any fitness, we would rather stay in bed watching childrens’ cartoons.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Running the London Marathon? Villagers from Harold give you their tips for completing the jog.

Filed under Culture, Sport

Tagged as ,

by | April 10, 2014 · 2:34 pm

No man can win Masterchef while new ‘washing up round’ remains

Male Masterchef contestants have complained that they ‘have no way of winning’ following new rules that mean they have to leave the kitchen tidy.

While soufflés and reductions hold no fear for men in the tea-cooking contest, wiping a damp cloth around the worktops afterwards is more than many can manage.

Hosts Gregg Wallace and John Torode have winced at the attempts by some men to clean up after themselves. They fear that just the thought of having to leave the place spotless will make many contestants ‘dumb down’ their menus to avoid mess.

Extracts from last night’s show seem to support this.

wallacetorrodefinal

Fisher (voiceover): Ricky has made his signature dish of cooled-over beans served in a tin cylinder. His workstation remains spotless.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on No man can win Masterchef while new ‘washing up round’ remains

Filed under Culture, Food, War

Tagged as , , ,

by | April 7, 2014 · 11:00 am

Mrs Miller’s Tale: Chaucer manuscript found in local kitchen drawer

Miller 2An expert from Sotheby’s has confirmed that a medieval-looking manuscript he found in the kitchen of a vegetarian restaurant in Harold is an authentic Chaucerian artefact from the mid-fourteenth century.

Restaurant owner Pippa Delaney was incredulous on hearing the news. “I can’t believe how long I’ve been saying I must sort out that kitchen drawer,” she said.

“Quaint little villages like Harold are full of priceless gems from yesteryear, tucked away in cupboards and attics,” said the Sotheby’s expert. “I just had a gut feeling in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! although that may have been the lentil and three-bean soup.”

“Well, thank goodness he asked for a rummage in my drawers,” said Pippa, “I would have put that smelly scrap of paper in the bin for sure. The mustiness was bad enough, but the handwriting and spelling were a disgrace.”

Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Culture, Dating, Economy, Law and Order, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | April 6, 2014 · 9:00 am

Maria Miller’s handy guide to non-threatening phrase use

maria miller

“Do you want some?” When offering tea

Have you ever been embarrassed when a finance director keeps on asking you to justify your expenses claim? Maybe you were busy doing important stuff and forgot to explain but telling him to ‘P*ss off’ is rarely wise.

Sometimes your own career simply hasn’t prepared you for the task. If, say, you’ve worked in advertising – making things up for a living – you might not realise that sometimes people are supposed to be open and honest. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Maria Miller’s handy guide to non-threatening phrase use

Filed under Crime, Culture, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | April 4, 2014 · 7:00 am

Cigarette ‘plain packaging’ to go ahead after successful trial on party leaders

20140403-224944.jpg

The government has announced it is to push ahead with plain, dull and boring packaging for cigarettes after a decade long trial on party leaders.

“Back in the day when everyone was consuming politics it was easy to tell the difference between the main brands,” Public Health Minister Jane Ellison said.

“So over the last ten or so years we have been trying out the theory of ‘plain packaging’ of the party leaders, and the results are conclusive. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Cigarette ‘plain packaging’ to go ahead after successful trial on party leaders

Filed under Culture, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | April 3, 2014 · 2:00 pm

EDL choir surprise passengers on plane with their ‘greatest hits’

EDL PlanePassengers on an EasyJet flight to Magaluf were left shocked and disappointed after cast members from the EDL choir put on an acapella performance of some of their best known hits.

  In scenes reminiscent of the Australian cast of Lion King bursting into song to entertain fellow passengers, the group of far-right racists surprised travellers when they suddenly started singing the classic ‘we’re coming, we’re coming’.

“We normally save our voices for our rioting,” one of the baritones in the group explained, “but something about the duty-free alcohol-fuelled flight made us burst into spontaneous song.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on EDL choir surprise passengers on plane with their ‘greatest hits’

Filed under Culture, International News, Lifestyle

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | April 2, 2014 · 7:00 am

Climate change refugees flee Somerset for Atlantis

atlantis

RUINED: Incomers have created ‘mouth breather ghettos’

The City of Atlantis is struggling to cope with the sheer number of ‘climate change refugees’ pouring in from the West Country.

Once a quiet, moist metropolis with a bouyant economy, Atlantis now resembles ‘something from a Wurzels video’, according to one resident.

“They come down here with their rough cider, their red neckerchiefs and their lungs, and expect us to provide them with air”, claimed merlady Floella Kelp. “I wouldn’t mind, but some of them have brought accordians and leave sticky lumps of Stinking Bishop all over the place. I’m all for multi-culturalism but there has to be a limit.”
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Climate change refugees flee Somerset for Atlantis

Filed under Culture, environment, News, Weather

Tagged as , , , ,

by | March 31, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Cat with tuberculosis ‘was actually a bagpipe’

bagpuss

Cat or bagpipe? Experts can tell just by blowing into it.

Council health officials have confirmed that a suspected cat with TB was actually just a feral set of bagpipes.

Residents had complained about a wretched animal with rasping, asthmatic breath which had left many unable to sleep. “It went right through you, I felt so sorry for the little fella”, said local Pippa Delaney. “But at the same time, I sort of wanted to kill it.”

Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Health, Pets

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | · 11:00 am

Prison visitors protest as all books must now be smuggled in rectally

book_smuggle

“Not the box set!”

After complaints from the literary establishment against the new policy of banning prison inmates from receiving books, protests have now spread to relatives of the prisoners, who have found to their discomfort that all reading material must be smuggled inside by the usual channels, specifically the rectum.

Anal contraband is a part of everyday prison life, but the items smuggled have usually been rather smaller than, say, a 759-page copy of the last Harry Potter novel, and relatives are finding themselves stretched as never before. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Prison visitors protest as all books must now be smuggled in rectally

Filed under Crime, Culture

Tagged as , , , ,

by | March 26, 2014 · 11:00 am

Models challenged to post Photoshop-free selfies for cancer

The right arm and upper thigh were bad, but the missing head was the real Photoshop fail

The right arm and upper thighs were bad, but the missing head was the real Photoshop fail

An online campaign challenging models to post Photoshop-free selfies to raise money for cancer has got off to a slow start.

“Photoshop-free selfies? Next thing you’ll be suggesting we eat!” laughed a model who is size 8 in real life and size 2 in photoshop. “Oh, you mean you’re serious??? I think I’m going to throw up.”

While denial was the initial reaction of most models, the inescapable influence and pressure of social media (apparently opting out of Facebook and Twitter is not an option) meant they were reluctantly forced to take up the Photoshop-free challenge.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Models challenged to post Photoshop-free selfies for cancer

Filed under Culture, Fashion, Social media

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | March 22, 2014 · 8:00 am

‘You stop doing evil first’ mafia tell Catholic Church

20140322-030257.jpg

Hitting back at comments from Pope Francis that they must ‘stop doing evil’ if they wish to avoid hell, mafia bosses have said they will stop ‘if the Catholic Church stops first’.

Warning the criminal organisation with such phrases as ‘blood-stained money, blood-stained power, you can’t take it all with you, even if you are a nice Pope’, mafia bosses say they would be willing to give up any criminal tendencies they may have, as long as the Church took the lead.

“We are not saying one crime is any worse than another,” one don explained, “but we are sure as well as hating torture and murder, God isn’t that keen on paedophilia and widespread corruption either.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘You stop doing evil first’ mafia tell Catholic Church

Filed under Crime, Culture, News, Religion

Tagged as , , , ,

by | March 8, 2014 · 4:02 pm

Dyson solves yet another problem you didn’t know you had

'dyson'on hat

Getting your suitcase may take a while

Inventor James Dyson, who winters in Harold, has outlined the genesis of his latest ‘WTF is that?’ product.

“When I  got the Christmas lights down from the loft, the ladder was really cold.  Some dolt had only gone and stuffed loads of fibreglass wool above the bedroom ceilings, blocking  heat from downstairs! So  I whacked two 15 kilowatt radiators into the loft for a quick-fix.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Dyson solves yet another problem you didn’t know you had

Filed under Business, Christmas, Culture, News

Tagged as , , ,

by | March 7, 2014 · 2:47 pm

Man regrets putting phone in ‘airplane mode’ after being charged for excess baggage

20140307-144410.jpg

A man has said he is disappointed, upset and overall confused at the new charges on his recent mobile phone bill. The new fees included excess baggage, extra legroom and a large fee for paying his bill by credit card.

“I called my provider and they confirmed the new charges were a result of me putting my phone into ‘airplane mode’,” he told us.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Man regrets putting phone in ‘airplane mode’ after being charged for excess baggage

Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | March 5, 2014 · 1:01 pm

Audiences forced to not watch BBC3 online, instead of not watching on Freeview

bbc3

Apparently, it’s a TV channel.

The BBC has announced plans to make viewers not watch BBC 3 online, instead of not watching it on Freeview. The move, which could save around £3 million a year, still leaves the channel costing an infinite amount per engaged licence fee-payer.

Some people are campaigning against the change, insisting that they should still be able to ignore the channel’s terrestrial output.

“It’s very inconvenient, I don’t watch the channel every night. And sometimes I record it, so I can not watch it later”, complained Pippa Delaney. “But I know the youths these days prefer to not watch something on their iPhones or tablets. So I suppose with 4G, they can now not watch it on the bus.”
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Audiences forced to not watch BBC3 online, instead of not watching on Freeview

Filed under Art, breaking news, Culture, Technology

Tagged as , , , ,

by | March 2, 2014 · 8:00 am

Ukip candidates emptying ‘skeletons from closets’: museums expecting influx of artifacts

image

Even Farage's pets had skeletons in their closets

With potential Ukip members now being asked to make sure they have no ‘skeletons in their closets’, museums up and down the UK are preparing for an unprecedented amount of new artifacts to display.

The new rules for potential candidates includes declarations such as “I have never been engaged in… racist activity”, “I do not have any skeletons in the cupboard”, and “I have never, in any way, acted like Godfrey Bloom”.

This move by the party has led to the hurried emptying of closets that has left the Harold Natural History Museum inundated with artifacts to add to its otherwise mundane collection.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Ukip candidates emptying ‘skeletons from closets’: museums expecting influx of artifacts

Filed under Culture, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | February 27, 2014 · 7:00 am

National Trust buys wrecked old garden shed for £2m

shedThe National Trust has confirmed that it has reached its fundraising target to purchase a shed in want of “loving restoration” in the back garden of 33 Jubilee Rise, Harold.

In their press release, the National Trust describes the shed as:

“This magnificently modest horticultural facility, with parts dating back to the Texas Homecare period, was founded by Ronald Thompson in 1978. Internal enhancements were carried out by his successor, Neil Banks in 2003 who added the uniquely styled uneven shelving and richly faded chintz curtains heavily influenced by his wife Maureen in 2006.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on National Trust buys wrecked old garden shed for £2m

Filed under Culture, News

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | February 23, 2014 · 2:00 pm

“That’s enough experiments to show kids how fast a photo can go round the Internet, now,” says Internet.

Teachers now resorting to extreme methods to show kids how dangerous internet is

Teachers now resorting to extreme methods to show kids how dangerous internet is

The Internet’s patience wore dangerously thin last night as yet another picture of an American 9th grade teacher holding up a sign was wearily shared on social media.

The exercise, supposed to warn teens of the potential risks of posting information and images online, has quickly become a tedious cliché and the Internet warned yesterday that we are close to the snapping point of its benevolence towards well-meaning junior high school teachers.

“OK, the first couple of times it was a fresh way to engage kids, and we all wanted to help them out – I’m sure the share and like numbers were very impressive,” commented a visibly annoyed Internet, “but I swear to god if I see one more of these bullshit copy-cat requests, I’m going to write a bunch of sarcastic comments or do a parody meme with cats. I haven’t thought it through yet, but it will be pithy and cynical,” the Internet added.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on “That’s enough experiments to show kids how fast a photo can go round the Internet, now,” says Internet.

Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Culture, Education, Sex, spam, Technology

Tagged as , ,