Category Archives: Culture

by | June 8, 2013 · 2:00 pm

BBC cashes in on Game of Thrones success with ‘A Nuddy History of Britain’

henryviii

The naked version of Henry VIII always rose to the occasion.

Historian Dan Cruickshank has denied ‘dumbing down’ in his new series, ‘A Nuddy History of Britain’.

“If we’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that people remember the naked bits”, he frothed. “The naked bits, and the violent and bloody deaths.”

Cruickshank hastily re-edited a pilot show for his new project, which explored complex family trees, socio-economics and the inherent political injustice of the day. Instead, the show now features writhing, sweating bodies, several gallons of baby oil and rubber masks that look a bit like famous royals.
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by | June 7, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Fight Club closes due to lack of publicity

fight_clubAn underground Fight Club has closed after being unable to attract new members due to overly restrictive publicity rules. Fight Club founder Dominic Delaney said, with the benefit of hindsight, the club which operated from the basement of the Squirrel Licker’s Arms should have been a bit more open.

“The first rule of Fight Club was – you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club was – you do not talk about Fight Club. In fact rules 3 through 10 were – you do not talk about Fight Club. No wonder hardly anyone turned up.”

Mr Delaney, who was able to talk openly as the club’s closure meant he was no longer bound by the strict secrecy rules, said that at its height, Fight Club had six members who regularly turned up to the Squirrel Licker’s basement to beat the living shit out of each other, and share gardening tips.
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by | June 5, 2013 · 7:00 am

‘Campaign to reclaim words that have become rude’ is launched by US Judge David Minge

minge

No, really.

American Judge and former US politician David R. Minge has taken a leave of absence from his judicial duties to launch a campaign aimed at “enriching the English language by reclaiming those words that have unfortunately gained new, offensive meanings.”

Speaking at a press conference this morning, The Honorable Minge explained: “In the same way that the N word and the Q word have been reclaimed by the Black and Belgian communities respectively, I hope to bring back common usage of such words as ‘nonce’, ‘fanny’, ‘knockers’ and ‘felch’, and in so doing remove their unpleasant new meanings for ever.”
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by | June 4, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Tourette’s Convention ends in chaos after outbreak of pleasantries

Gordon RamsayThe inaugural Gordon Ramsay International Tourette’s Convention in Harold came to a premature end when the lunch descended into chaos after an outbreak of pleasantries.

Convention organiser Mike Hunt said it was bl**dy disappointing that convention delegates would behave like f**king 40 year olds. “You’d think in this f**king day and age that people could resolve their f**king differences without resorting to polite language and pleasantries.”

The trouble started after Gordon Ramsay hosted a lively pre-lunch panel debate over whether “feck” was a swear word. “Things were going perfectly f**king vitriolicly” cursed Mr Hunt. “There were the usual ripostes – one side said ‘of course feck is a fecking swear work’ while the other side replied ‘no it is f**king not’.”
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by | June 3, 2013 · 7:00 am

Tom Cruise revealed as new Doctor Who, Daleks to be shortened

doctortom

Daleks ‘stumped’ by charismatic, short new Doctor.

Actor Tom Cruise was said to be ‘ecstatic’ this morning at the news that he is to become the next Doctor Who, following the decision by Matt Smith to leave the series after three years.

“I can’t explain how excited I am to find out that, unknown to me, I am the twelfth incarnation of the Doctor, thus at last freeing me from this Earthly domain to roam amongst the stars,” he confessed to Hollywood journalists this morning.

“I’d always suspected that I was not from this planet, but instead from somewhere like Gallifrey, where people aren’t afraid to tell the truth and everyone is slightly shorter than they are here.”
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by | June 2, 2013 · 9:00 am

Lowry painting ‘Sad factory worker (with giant cock and balls)’ may be clever forgery, experts warn

lowrycockandballs

Subtle erotic undertones

Several previously unseen paintings by LS Lowry are to go on show this month, including many with unusually frank erotic undertones.

The paintings were discovered in a Manchester grammar school where they had been hanging undisturbed for many years, and include many lost masterpieces such as “Sad factory worker (with giant cock and balls)”.

Expert Michael Simpson from the Lowry gallery in Salford said: “These exciting works provide a unique insight into the hidden depths of Lowry’s character. Some people may be surprised that the artist would tackle this unusually explicit subject matter, but I have no doubt that this is 100% Lowry. There’s not a million miles between towering factory chimneys and erect phalluses, at least not in my book. And it is wonderful to see the artist mixing blue ballpoint pen with his more traditional watercolours, as seen to great effect in “Lady on the Accrington Tram (has massive boobies)” – breathtaking penmanship there.”
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by | May 24, 2013 · 7:00 am

Disneylogians hail discovery of ritual, horse-shoed mouse fossils

This totes really happened. Trufax.

This totes really happened. Trufax.

Leading Disney theologians have spoken of their excitement, following the discovery of the fossilized remains of four tiny mice. Crescent-shaped ore deposits hint at feet shod with horse-shoes, the strongest evidence yet that Cinderella actually existed.

The discovery was made by 46 year-old Walter Higgins, using a metal detector on an allotment in a far-away land. The exact location of the ‘magic kingdom’ is a closely guarded secret, although Higgins is known to own a static caravan in Rhyll. Continue reading →

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by | May 23, 2013 · 2:30 pm

School defends decision to have sixth form trip to Skyrim

Skyrim: everything you need for a school trip plus dragons.

Skyrim: everything you need for a school trip plus dragons.

Clive Morris, headteacher of Harold Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold comprehensive), has defended the school’s decision to replace the annual sixth form residential trip with a week playing Skyrim the phenomenally popular PC and console game.

“School trips have changed beyond recognition over the last ten years,” he said. “In my day you were abandoned to a random family in a crappy French town no more than an hour from the nearest ferryport where you spent the whole week hating the food and fancying a hairy French lass then returned home with a bag full of Hollywood chewing gun and a flick knife. This will no longer do and besides which HSFAIAH has been banned from all international ports in the UK for some years now.” Continue reading →

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by | May 22, 2013 · 3:36 pm

Dry cappuccino or cup of foam?

Food & Drink with Miles Anour 

Can I get an dry extra arid foamy cappuccino?

Can I get an dry extra arid foamy cappuccino?

Like many other people, my day always starts with a cup of coffee. Admittedly I start my day several hours later than most people, but that’s due to the heavy research that a professional writer, like what I am, has to undertake.

So there I am, standing in the queue trying to reconstruct the hazy segments of the previous evening when I hear the following grating order  from a customer.

“Could I get a grande dry cappuccino?”

I have BIG ISSUES with this seemingly simple request. First, what goes the customer mean by the phrase ‘could I get’. Does he wish to serve himself?  Make the barista redundant, perhaps? Surely he either means ‘Could I have?’ or ‘Could you get?’ Continue reading →

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by | May 19, 2013 · 11:30 am

What’s wrong with white wine

Food & Drink with Miles Anour

Miles puts in some serious research

Miles puts in some serious research

People often ask me “Miles, what have you got against white wine drinkers?”

Once I’ve picked myself up from the floor, not from the shock of the question, but usually because I’ve usually been researching fairly strenuously for several hours, I reply that I’ve nothing against the bastards personally, it’s just that the narrow minded Philistines are missing out on so much good drinking. Continue reading →

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by | May 16, 2013 · 12:17 pm

Dambusters in-flight catering was superior to budget airlines

Food and Drink with Miles Anour

Dambusters plane disposes of empty barrel of 1943 claret

Dambusters plane disposes of empty barrel of 1943 claret

There’s a lot being written about the 70th anniversary of the Dambusters wartime air raid. There is no doubting that the men who carried out this mission were heroically brave, but the prospect of near certain death was compensated for a little by the high standard of in-flight catering in those days. I mean, compared to EasyJet or similar frightful flight providers.

For a start, refreshments and meals would have been included. I’ll bet the crew didn’t have to pay their in-flight butler extra for a measly coffee, peanuts or a Mars bar. And I know for a fact that they started stuffing their faces from the moment the pilot called out ‘chocs away’. I’ve seen the old films.

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by | May 14, 2013 · 7:00 am

Village braced for tourist influx as Dan Brown’s Inferno hits shelves

Dante: Exile in Rome or Harold?

Dante: Exile in Rome or Harold?

Harold is braced for an influx of tourists following the publication of Dan Brown’s latest blockbuster Inferno. Featuring all the hallmarks of Brown’s previous novels: mystery; clumsy allusions to great works of art and prose that would make a dog weep with embarrassment, Inferno contains amongst its convoluted plot a puzzle that is set to place Harold firmly on the tourist trail.

“Inferno is about Dante,” explained Brown fan, Cassie Fine. “His real name was Durante degli Alighieri which is an anagram of ‘There, under Gillia, dig’ so the connection with Harold’s obvious seeing as we’ve got an ancient grave whose headstone simply says ‘Gillia’. It’s so exciting! I can’t wait to know what’s in the grave.” Continue reading →

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by | May 13, 2013 · 2:00 pm

New coronavirus means OH MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, say scientists

coronavirusspl

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

According to a statement from the World Health Organisation, the latest strain of the fast-spreading coronavirus can be passed from person to person in close contact, meaning NO NO NO WE’RE ALL DEAD OH GOD NO PLEASE.

The organisation’s latest advice comes after several people in Saudi Arabia died from the virus, followed by a second man in France contracting it from human-to-human transmission OH JESUS IT’S GETTING CLOSER – FRANCE IS ALMOST HERE AND THERE’S A CHANNEL TUNNEL NOW OH GOD WHY DID WE BUILD IT WE’RE ALL DOOMED!

NCoV is known to cause pneumonia and kidney failure AND PROBABLY YOUR BRAIN TURNS TO MUSHY GOO AND STINKING MUSHROOMS COVER YOUR WHOLE BODY OH CHRIST I DON’T WANT TO DIE!
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by | May 4, 2013 · 2:02 pm

Retired German brothers restore V2 rocket

V2 Rocket

Organizers advise spectators to wear ear muffs

Two brothers from Harold’s German twin town of Koch have successfully restored a V2 rocket.

Despite us all being friends now, the brothers share a love of WW2 technology and are keen to demonstrate their superior engineering.

The projectile, which features an ethanol powerplant, a primitive guidance system and 200 kilos of high explosive, could be the first one of its type to fly for nearly 70 years.

“We have worked on this project for several years now”, said Klaus Hummel. “There are none of these magnificent machines currently in service, we think it will go down rather well at one of your popular airshows.”
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by | May 3, 2013 · 1:53 pm

Goths successfully appeal for ‘return’ of Jim Morrison’s remains

Morrison: Been Down So Long

Morrison: Been Down So Long

Goths in Harold have finally met one of their idols this week, after the decayed remains of Jim Morrison paid them a visit.

Doors frontman Jim Morrison, originally buried in the Père Lachaise Cemetery in Paris in 1971, has until now spent very little time in the UK. But local legend tells how he once visited Harold’s famed twin bun shops, while he should have been performing at the Isle of Wight festival.

“When The Doors took to the stage in 1970, the set was entirely shrouded in darkness”, explained local Goth Josh Fenning. “Historians will tell you that it was because he didn’t want to be blinded by spotlights, but in truth it was because he was 120 miles away, enthusiastically tonguing a vanilla slice.”

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by | April 30, 2013 · 7:30 am

Vandals target village ‘anal museum’ sign

Vandal 'obsessed' with brown finger-post

Vandals are sniffing out brown finger-posts

Harold’s popular anal museum is facing an onslaught from vandals, hell-bent on defacing the signpost with an additional ‘C’.

Villagers are proud of their museum of anuses, and its collection of rare sphincters and historical ring pieces. Located down a back alley between Harold’s twin bunshops, the damage to the sign has left some curious would-be visitors  complaining that they’re struggling to gain access.

“For some reason, these puerile little sods think it’s funny to vandalise our sign, so it looks like we’re some kind of ‘canal museum’”, whined head curator Janet Brown.
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by | April 29, 2013 · 8:00 am

Replica Stonehenge to be built using ‘authentic Welsh slaves’.

Stonehenge wastelandA local religious group, the Druids of Harold, have embarked on a project to bring some mystical culture to the village with a life-sized replica of Stonehenge. The replica will be made with the same rock as the original, which will be dug up in Pembrokeshire and will be transported by the same means using forced Welsh slavery.

The rocks, which will weigh around 25 tons each, will be taken over water along the south coast of Wales and then up the river Avon. They will then rolled on top of tree trunks on the road, going on the M4 southbound, clockwise around the M25, then north on the M1, before coming off at Dunstable and onward to Harold.
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by | April 11, 2013 · 8:06 pm

Village Mayor blasts Madonna in lifeboat donation furore

MadonnaPop star Madonna was accused today of expecting the village of Harold to ‘roll out a red carpet and blast a 21-gun salute in her honour’.

The spat occurred after the 54-year-old self-publicist and her entourage arrived in a motorcade of black-windowed Range Rovers, demanding to see the fruits of the altruistic gesture she displayed during an accidental visit to Harold in 2006.

Harold’s Mayor, Rufus D Jackson, said that when Madonna had found herself in Harold after taking a wrong turning during the Confessions tour, she had been accosted by a fund-raiser for a Lifeboats flag day. Continue reading →

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by | April 9, 2013 · 1:14 pm

17 year old Police snitch apologises for crude graffiti

CaptureAt an emotional press conference, Simon Delaney only recently appointed as Harold’s youth police commissioner, has apologised for the series of violent, racist and homophobic drawings that he had left on the village hall’s walls in full view of the high street.

Sporting an atrocious haircut, a contrite but slightly smirking Delaney said, “I hadn’t realised people could be offended so easily. This is useful information which I will bear in mind in the future.”

Under questioning, a tearful PC Anita Flegg defended Delaney saying “This is a cock and bull story that has got out of hand. Simon was the outstanding candidate, especially since being in a wheelchair; he meets all of our quota requirements.”

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by | April 5, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Committee ‘delighted’ as Piers Morgan turns down invitation to open village fete

morgan
Faced with the perennial problem of finding a candidate to open Harold’s village summer fete, organisers decided to aim high this year and their ambitions have paid off with the refusal of none other than TV personality Piers Morgan to attend festivities.

‘This is fantastic news,’ committee chairman, Nick Stalling, told the Evening Harold at a celebration meal at the 38th Parallel, Harold’s North Korean restaurant. ‘We contacted him using that Twitter thing that you have and he replied almost immediately with the simple but thoughtfully chosen words “@EveningHarold No thanks.”
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