Category Archives: Around Harold

by | May 14, 2013 · 7:00 am

Village braced for tourist influx as Dan Brown’s Inferno hits shelves

Dante: Exile in Rome or Harold?

Dante: Exile in Rome or Harold?

Harold is braced for an influx of tourists following the publication of Dan Brown’s latest blockbuster Inferno. Featuring all the hallmarks of Brown’s previous novels: mystery; clumsy allusions to great works of art and prose that would make a dog weep with embarrassment, Inferno contains amongst its convoluted plot a puzzle that is set to place Harold firmly on the tourist trail.

“Inferno is about Dante,” explained Brown fan, Cassie Fine. “His real name was Durante degli Alighieri which is an anagram of ‘There, under Gillia, dig’ so the connection with Harold’s obvious seeing as we’ve got an ancient grave whose headstone simply says ‘Gillia’. It’s so exciting! I can’t wait to know what’s in the grave.” Continue reading →

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by | May 13, 2013 · 11:00 am

Third councillor ‘would back exit from Bedfordshire’

haroldsign copy

Signs will be printed very locally

With exiting organisations currently all the rage, a third Harold councillor has declared they would ‘happily walk away from Bedfordshire tomorrow’.

Harold has already declared independence from Europe, NATO and Groupon, but the latest move could see the village become ‘more insular than many dared dream’.

“There are some good things about being in Bedfordshire”, Ron Ronsson admitted. “It’s a relatively small county, and not many people visit. But given an in/out referendum, I’d have to say ‘out’. It doesn’t do to dwell too long on the positives.”
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by | May 12, 2013 · 11:30 am

Traffic chaos as pensioner causes pedestrian pile-up

police car copyThere has been chaos on the High Street following a serious collision involving three people on the northbound pavement. The accident left the pavement closed for 3 hours.

Police were called to the collision at around 9.43am outside the charity shop. Eyewitnesses say it was caused by local resident, 86-year-old Elsie Duggan, stopping suddenly for no apparent reason.

Although we understand there are no fatalities, two have been taken to hospital for what are described as “minor injuries” and another was treated at the scene by a passing first aider.

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by | · 7:30 am

Fear as village buzzed by military drones

The new summer pest that’s harder to ignore than midges.

Harold was plunged into fear and confusion last night when it was repeatedly buzzed by military drones. “It was horrible,’ said villager, Carly Jeffery. ‘I was in the beer garden of the Squirrel Lickers and suddenly there were these massive planes swooping down on us. They were so low that some people got disorientated and fell over. Or that could have been due to the guest ale. I’m not sure Toss Goblin agreed with many people, it was pretty strong.”

After repeatedly circling and descending on the village the drones disappeared leaving a trail of disruption in their wake that saw llamas escaping from the animal sanctuary and going on the rampage across the recreation ground, soufflé’s collapsing in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! and reports of serious unrest coming from the dogging community. Continue reading →

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by | May 11, 2013 · 11:30 am

Atheists pull ad campaign after spate of members killed in bus accidents

Say it isn't so

Say it isn’t so

The worldwide trend for atheists to advertise on buses, with slogans such as ‘there is probably no God, now stop worrying and enjoy your life’, looks set to cease after a local study found that 95% of people killed in bus accidents didn’t believe in God.

Professor Paul Saunders, of Dunstable University, who headed the study into the religious affiliation of road accident victims, said the results were surprising.

“Until relatively recently, the incidence of atheists being killed by buses was around 8% of all victims, roughly in line with the prevalence of atheism in the general population. But the last few years has seen this inexplicable spike.”

Professor Saunders ruled out bus driver hatred of atheists as an explanation given that a Richard Dawkins t-shirt is harder to identify at a distance than, say, hijab clothing or a Priest’s cassock.

“Also, previous research has identified that bus drivers tend to despise everybody fairly equally” clarified Professor Saunders.
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by | May 10, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Jeremy Vine solves slight disagreement – very few injured

vineish

Vine not looking his best in the Lickers just before 4am, wearing special radio shoes coated in sick

One of Harold’s most controversial issues has finally been laid to rest, after a chance visit from Radio 2’s Jeremy Vine.

Anyone who knows Harold also knows just how divisive opinions can be. Over the years the village has seen arguments between neighbours and friends, and even the odd family feud. Many a punch up in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been blamed on disagreements, together with copious amounts of over-priced alcohol.

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by | · 11:00 am

FEATURE: ‘Mending Good’ – the true story of a drug dealer’s tragic descent into teaching

breaking-bad

“Bring me the head of Michael Gove!”

Harold district’s local education authority is struggling to cope with the massive influx of former drug dealers seeking the easy route to riches by secretly entering the teaching profession.

Many drug dealers have come to the conclusion that they could do a better job than the disorganised collection of misfits who currently staff the education system, and by getting into the ‘business’ are finding riches and excitement they could previously only dream of. Such are the rewards available, many dealers are prepared to put up with the danger, drop in status and lowly social position that comes with teaching.
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by | May 9, 2013 · 7:29 am

New lease of life for allotments as they turn to graveyard a plot at a time

Allotment take-up is a grave business

Allotment take-up is a grave business

Harold’s once-proud allotment plots are getting a long-overdue facelift, thanks to the astonishing average age of their owners.

For years, the village allotments have been a draw for the elderly, who pretend to grow potatoes while drinking gin in their sheds.

But with vegetables now widely available in shops, few youngsters see the point in subsistence farming.
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by | May 7, 2013 · 7:00 am

Local teen creates first 3D-printer artificial vagina

Why else would you want one?

Why else would you buy one of these?

A day after the world’s first gun made with 3D-printer technology was successfully fired in the Untied States one of Harold’s younger residents announced that he had become the first person to use a 3D-printer to create an artificial vagina.

‘When I got the printer I thought about what I really wanted,’ said seventeen year old Simon Delaney. ‘Guns are cool and that I suppose but I’d rather shag something than use it to fire at some cans. When I asked all my mates they said the same.’ Continue reading →

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by | May 6, 2013 · 1:00 pm

Dementia sufferer charged for wasting police time then tagged

HappyPensioneer

Not as daft as she looks?

An elderly lady has been charged with wasting police time after she apparently became disorientated on a routine shopping trip.

Police were called out after Elsie Duggan, 86, became lost on her way back from a visit to the Tesco Express after appearing confused at the checkout. After a search, she was found sitting on a bench near the war memorial.

“It is true that we have charged an elderly woman with wasting police time,” said PC Anita Flegg defending police actions. “Were supposed to do exciting things like driving fast patrol cars and chasing international villains – not spend our time looking for lost cats or rescuing senile pensioners from trees. Do you know how much it costs to call out a police helicopter these days?”

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by | May 5, 2013 · 5:08 pm

Terence Stamp returns for Bank Holiday Hide-and-Seek

Coming. Ready or not.

Coming. Ready or not.

Harold Village Council are pleased to welcome back Terence Stamp as the celebrity hider in the annual Bank Holiday hide-and-seek game, marking the fifth time that the star of Superman II has graced the bushes, alleys and gaps under cars of Harold.

This year, Stamp, who played General Zod in the first two ‘Man of Steel’ franchise films, has agreed to donate his three-figure appearance fee to the village hall fund supporting victims of the stomach-churning events of 29/9.

“When I heard that the phone booth where I hid for part of the 2010 hide-and-seek game had been destroyed in the 29/9 attrocities, I knew that this year I had to do something special.”

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by | May 4, 2013 · 11:30 am

New urban horror: you’re never more than three metres away from a UKIP supporter

Warning: one of these creatures can crawl up the u-bend and out of your toilet.

Warning: one of these creatures can crawl up the pipes and emerge from your toilet

A new horror to urban living has emerged following the local election results with scientists calculating that those in built-up areas are never more than three metres from a UKIP supporter.

Residents in Harold’s most populous area, which is lived in almost exclusively by Vikings and locally known as Little Copenhagen,  are terrified.

”I was always worried about being in close proximity to rats,’ said blacksmith Nigel Thorvald. ‘And of course spiders. Did you know in your lifetime you swallow between eight and twenty spiders while you’re sleeping plus at least three a year crawl across your face to drink from your eyeballs?” Continue reading →

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by | May 3, 2013 · 1:53 pm

Goths successfully appeal for ‘return’ of Jim Morrison’s remains

Morrison: Been Down So Long

Morrison: Been Down So Long

Goths in Harold have finally met one of their idols this week, after the decayed remains of Jim Morrison paid them a visit.

Doors frontman Jim Morrison, originally buried in the Père Lachaise Cemetery in Paris in 1971, has until now spent very little time in the UK. But local legend tells how he once visited Harold’s famed twin bun shops, while he should have been performing at the Isle of Wight festival.

“When The Doors took to the stage in 1970, the set was entirely shrouded in darkness”, explained local Goth Josh Fenning. “Historians will tell you that it was because he didn’t want to be blinded by spotlights, but in truth it was because he was 120 miles away, enthusiastically tonguing a vanilla slice.”

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by | May 1, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Sadness as villagers receive benefits on prepaid cards

You want coins? You can’t handle the coins.

There was sadness and confusion in Harold as it became one of the first villages to trial the government’s new scheme of loading benefits onto a pre-paid card rather than paying them into bank or post office accounts. The cards are engineered to prohibit the buying of many items from alcohol to pet food to anything over a certain value.

“It’s horrible,” said Mark Keen, a full-time support worker at Piebald House. “The card makes me second-class. I work and pay taxes now there’s this Big Brothered thing that wont let me buy stuff. It’s humiliating plus The Squirrel Lickers is unbearable now. Can’t buy a pint and people with cash get to control the jukebox. Last time I was in Dominic Delaney kept putting James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful on and no one had a coin to break the flow.” Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Everest climbers turn to ultimate challenge of David Cameron’s forehead

Cameron foreheadWith the Everest route now easier thanks to the many fixed routes and improved oxygen technology, not to mention the detention of rock wielding Sherpas, top climbers have turned their attention to an ascent previously thought impossible – climbing David Cameron’s forehead.

Even getting to David Cameron’s forehead is a mission in itself. Climbers first have to get permission to summit Cameron which means a £15,000 access fee unless one is a high-ranking Tory or Rebekah Brooks. Continue reading →

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by | April 30, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Controversy as University of Life wins University Challenge final

sexy brenda

Brenda had all the answers

In a huge upset, the winner of the 2013 edition of University Challenge is the University of Life, a team composed entirely of Harold locals whose formal education ended at the age of 14 or earlier.

The University of Life’s victory was all the more surprising as the team had not qualified for the final, but was a last minute replacement for the University College of London who mysteriously didn’t turn up to the BBC studio on time.

University of Life team captain and Harold Mayor, Rufus D Jackson, said he felt for the University College of London team, but their navigational woes could have been easily avoided if they had spent less time studying classic Greek and Roman literature, and more time studying classic Wacky Racers cartoons, with the Dick Dastardly sign-switching routine.
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by | April 28, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Lazy women demand men-free space

We'll overthrow the patriarchy tomorrow today is about cake

We’ll overthrow the patriarchy tomorrow today is about cake

As women-only gym sessions grow in popularity exercisephobic women in Harold are demanding their own man-free space.

‘At the fitness centre in Dunstable they have women-only classes and women-only swimming sessions plus times when the whole place is only open to girls,’ Jane Hough wistfully told The Evening Harold. ‘I bet it’s brilliant but I can’t participate because I’m completely lazy and haven’t exercised since school.’

Fellow Haroldite Melissa Barker was quick to agree. ‘Fit women and those on the way to being fit get loads of gender-specific events,’ she said. ‘Like gym sessions and the Blimp to Shrimp slimming club in the village hall. But because I refuse to take responsibility for my own health and well-being I have to put up with men all the time and it’s not fair.’ Continue reading →

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by | April 26, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Singing in playground banned as Minister says culture must be presented as a commodity

Shhhh!

Shhhh!

St Mary’s Church of England Primary School in Harold has banned its pupils from singing in the playground following a speech by Culture Secretary Maria Miller in which she said that culture must be presented as a commodity. The headteacher of St Mary’s, Alison Lee, said that she is confident other schools will make the same decision.

‘Maria Miller said that “when times are tough and money is tight, our focus must be on culture’s economic impact” and once we as a staff team team had considered the monetary value of pupils singing and putting on little dance shows shows in the playground just for fun then it became clear that this was something that we had to put a stop to.’ Continue reading →

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by | April 25, 2013 · 1:51 pm

Local football team ‘shocked’ at 10 match ban for minor cannibalism incident

luis

Ate his Liverpool with a nice Chianti

Players and management of local football club Harold Thursday have reacted with anger and astonishment at the Trojan Prophylactic League’s decision to ban star striker Luis Nutter for ten games following the recent cannibalism incident in which the entire first team from visiting club Eccles were roasted over a spit and eaten during a goalmouth scramble.

Goalkeeper Willie Sprinkler spoke to journalists of his belief that Nutter, 26, had been singled out largely due to his birthplace: “Yes, he comes from Liverpool,” he conceded, “But even so, I consider myself a friend of Luis. League bosses in Felching are treating him different because he is a ‘Scouse’, and because he had the one previous incident where he went mental apeshit crazy and hungrily devoured a coach load of orphans.”

“He knows perfectly well that what he did was wrong, but a 10-game ban seems out of proportion. I think they’ve got it in for Luis a little bit, possibly because they too are orphans. It was fifty-fifty in the Eccles penalty area, ball to hand, could have gone either way, and on the spur of the moment our lad has reacted – split second decision – and eaten eleven men’s livers with a nice Chianti. It happens out in the park every day.”

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by | · 11:30 am

Man reaches the limit of cyberspace: says we’re gonna need a bigger Internet

The answer to life, the univ and everything

The answer to life, the Internet and everything

Dan Brooks, office manager at Harold estate agents Lacrymans & Co, has inadvertently discovered the answer to the Internet by becoming the first person to view every page and click every link.

‘When I first went online in the late nineties there wasn’t much to see and then as the Internet grew I suppose I was just like everyone else,’ Brooks said. ‘I’d surf between a couple of dozen sites during the day then get drunk on Saturday nights and email poems about mince to my mother-in-law or buy fifteen kilograms of midget gems off eBay. It was all perfectly normal.’

However that normality ended six months ago when a serious typing error didn’t lead to a To The Manor Born fansite but a gallery of gerontophile porn and Brooks found himself on a journey to the furthest outreaches of cyberspace. Continue reading →

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