Category Archives: Around Harold

by | September 15, 2013 · 10:00 am

Hello, hello hello. What’s all this nonsense then?

Hold on, so you're saying this isn't a documentary about policing in the olden days? You sure?

Hold on, so you’re saying The Sweeney wasn’t a documentary about policing in the olden days? You sure?

Local Police procedures are facing a big shake up after Harold’s PC Anita Flegg attended a half-day briefing on powers of arrest.

“I joined the service in 1996 but had never even heard of the 1984 Police & Criminal Evidence Act” explained Flegg “It was just one of those ‘wrong timing’ things, I suppose. A few colleagues already in the job might have had some training but as I heard it, in the 80s most of them were too busy calculating shift bonuses from their miners’ strike gigs. We newbie coppers completely missed out on any such training.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Hello, hello hello. What’s all this nonsense then?

Filed under Around Harold, Crime

Tagged as , ,

by | September 13, 2013 · 7:00 am

Ex-serviceman Prince William follows military tradition by becoming a homeless alcoholic

At least he earned the right to wear his uniform and doesn't just dress up in one for no good reason like his Uncle Edward

At least he earned the right to wear his uniform and doesn’t just dress up in one for no good reason like his Uncle Edward

There was shock in the village of Harold this morning when an alcoholic rough sleeper turned out to be Prince William.

“I saw this lad sat outside Tesco all huddled up under some blankets and clutching a bottle so I slipped him a few coins,” said villager Tom Stalling. “And instead of saying ‘cheers, mate’ he said ‘that’s really most terribly kind of you. Do you visit here often? Have you had to come far?’ and made me feel like the most important person in the world. That’s when I realised he wasn’t an ordinary homeless bloke.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Ex-serviceman Prince William follows military tradition by becoming a homeless alcoholic

Filed under Around Harold, News, Royals

Tagged as , , ,

by | September 12, 2013 · 7:00 am

Shit hits the fan over stick of poo

Bridge Over Troubled Water

Bridge Over Troubled Water

Another village tradition was flushed away yesterday, as the Health and Safety Executive pulled the plug on Harold’s annual poo-sticks competition.

There were angry scenes in the lounge of the Squirrel Lickers Arms as villagers learned that the HSE deemed an integral part of their long-held harvest celebrations to be a risk to public health.

In a statement read out by Eddie, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers, the HSE claimed “While it is never our intention to axe age old village activities, it was felt that the particulars of the village of Harold’s unique take on this otherwise innocent past-time may give rise to a potential outbreak of diphtheria or typhoid.  Not to mention the fact it made our inspectors lose their lunches. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Shit hits the fan over stick of poo

Filed under Around Harold, News, Sport

Tagged as ,

by | September 8, 2013 · 10:00 am

Chaos as badger cullers stumble across a furry convention

tumblr_mmjuik3IqL1sndv91o1_500

Let he who has never dressed up as badger, messed around with some fake weapons and then gone into the woods and boned a complete stranger cast the first stone.

There was chaos in Harold woods last night when DEFRA licensed badger cullers stumbled across a furry convention. The cullers had been engaged in the old country art of lamping (using lights to detect badgers eye shine and then shooting them) when they ran into a different kind of target.

“We were following a trail and then suddenly through the darkness I saw this massive badger, must’ve been six foot at least,” said Phil Evans, local farmer and badger culler. “And I thought ‘bugger me it’s a good job they’re culling the stripy sods if there’s giant mutant ones knocking about.’ It was only after I’d let off a couple of shots that it occurred to me that badgers don’t usually carry swords and scream ‘please no, oh my God put the gun down’ before you shoots ’em.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Chaos as badger cullers stumble across a furry convention

Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, News

Tagged as , , , ,

by | September 6, 2013 · 7:00 am

‘Paedo Packaging’ to tackle teen smokers

cigarette

Could this make smoking less cool?

With research showing that graphic images on cigarette packs don’t deter teens from smoking, a new local initiative hopes to really put the willies up them.

Where pictures of blackened lungs, rotten teeth and tramps with flamboyant throat cancers have failed to take young smokers’ breath away, Harold’s ‘Paedo Packaging’ is already making many youths think twice about what they put in their mouths.

“The government has tried all sorts of initiatives to put kids off their fags”, admitted Cllr Ron Ronsson, who backs the shocking new campaign. “But until now, they haven’t harnessed the influence of celebrities.”
Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Paedo Packaging’ to tackle teen smokers

Filed under Around Harold, Business, Health

Tagged as , , ,

by | September 4, 2013 · 9:40 am

EDL clarify that “England for the English” includes their Asian mail-order brides

An excited Gavin waits for the postman

An excited Gavin waits for the postman

In an embarrassing climb down, the English Defence League announced that their “England for the English” policy will be modified to include members’ mail-order brides from Asia and Eastern Europe.

“We will still seek to vigorously protect our airports and seaports from an influx of Asians and Eastern Europeans, but we will turn a blind eye to the post” said EDL spokesmen Bernard Grout.

“I’m aware some people might think we have done a 360% turn and are therefore hypnotists” said Grout. “But our members have always been sex-starved loners first, and racists second.”
Continue reading →

3 Comments

Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | September 1, 2013 · 8:00 am

‘Back to School’ clothes for Teachers being sold at Ann Summers

See me after the lesson ...

See me after the lesson …

With the end of the summer holidays fast approaching, the traditional ‘Back to School’ range for schoolchildren has been joined in the nation’s shops with a range of clothing for teachers wishing to freshen up their wardrobe for the start of term.

‘The leading stores have done their maths homework and realised that there is a market of 500,000 teachers out there’ said merchandising expert, Danny Foster, ‘so it is no surprise that they have latched on to this market.

Whilst the perennial ‘Geog Teacher’ range, featuring a brown cord jacket and elbow patches, remains a popular classic it has been joined by a number of more exciting, racier items as teachers try to identify with reluctant teenage learners. Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Back to School’ clothes for Teachers being sold at Ann Summers

Filed under Around Harold, Education, News, Sex

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | August 30, 2013 · 5:00 pm

Harold remembers Seamus Heaney

seamusfelixclay460

Seamus Heaney: he had the sort of face that would make your nan say “he looks like a poet” and you’d know exactly what she meant.

Although his spirited reading of one of the more dramatic parts of Beowulf during the Harold International Arts Festival 2007 had such a profound effect on the more suggestible members of the audience that it triggered what has been referred to ever since as The Grendel Incident which resulted in several thousand pounds worth of property damage and the loss of at least one testicle, villagers are today remembering with fondness the poet Seamus Heaney who has died aged 74. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Harold remembers Seamus Heaney

Filed under Around Harold, News

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 11:00 am

Cat Found Guilty of Harassing Mouse

Come on out with your paws up

Come on out with your paws up

Tiddles the cat, described in court as a ‘notorious mouse molester’ was found guilty yesterday of harassment likely to lead to the grievous bodily harm of a fellow animal.

The trial was conducted without the appearance of the unamed victim, who is believed to be holed up, having gone into hiding, but legal representatives entered a guilty plea on behalf of Tiddles, 6, due to the overwhelming evidence against the feline felon.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Cat Found Guilty of Harassing Mouse

Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

by | August 29, 2013 · 7:00 am

Forget the new foreign office advice, here are some Harold by-laws you must not forget

20130828-210701.jpg

Following the extra foreign office advice warning of odd laws you may fall foul of when you are abroad, we thought we should remind you of some by-laws in Harold.

Beastiality is legal for half an hour every other Lammas Day not every. Villagers must check before embarking and are reminded that non-consensual human/animal relations remains an offence no matter what day it is.

All French people will be incarcerated in the village keep until their trustworthiness is vouched for by a man of good standing who owns a house and at least five goats (not enforced since Eric Cantona drove through Harold by mistake).

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Forget the new foreign office advice, here are some Harold by-laws you must not forget

Filed under Around Harold

by | August 24, 2013 · 7:00 am

Eco Protesters are ‘A Fracking Disgrace’ says Farmer

Green or Brown?

Green or Brown?

The farmer whose field has been occupied by anti fracking eco warriors has hit out at way the protesters treated his land.

Although the protesters have been very careful to organise regular recycling collections for refuse, they have refused to use port-a-loos due to the perceived pollution risks from the toilets’ chemical cleaning agents, preferring to use ‘more natural’ disposal methods.

“It all very well that MP wiping her arse with a dock leaf in the interests of communing with nature, but the end product still has to be cleared from the hedge,” said Harold farmer, Lionel Garage. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Eco Protesters are ‘A Fracking Disgrace’ says Farmer

Filed under Around Harold, Nature, News

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

by | August 22, 2013 · 1:30 pm

TV licence prosecutions backfire as people watch BBC sex offenders in court for free

Rolf claims it was a didgeridoo in his pocket

Rolf claims it was a didgeridoo in his pocket

The BBC is rethinking its approach after realising the 180,000 people it prosecuted in the last year are getting to watch alleged BBC sex offenders in court for free.

“We wanted to clamp down on free-loaders who were watching TV without a licence and thus not contributing to our presenter’s exorbitant salaries” said a spokesperson for TV Licencing. “If everyone dodged the TV licence, the presenters would not be able to afford to pay for basic grooming items, such as lollies and an XBox360.”

“But unfortunately all the people we are prosecuting are getting to see our presenters up close and personal in court without paying any sort of licence fee – in fact it is not paying a licence fee that it is getting them a front row seat.”
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News

Tagged as , , ,

by | August 21, 2013 · 7:00 am

Food bank for the super-rich opens so they can enjoy austerity ‘fun’

Three days worth of essentials from Food: The Bank

Three days worth of essentials from Food: The Bank

A Harold couple have caused controversy by opening a food bank for the super rich. Oofy and Lysander Eastoft reject accusations that their venture is in bad taste and say that it has been extremely popular amongst their social set which includes some of the wealthiest people in the country.

“It all started when we went to the food bank run by the church,” said Oofy, 32. “We going to get the three days emergency food that they give out and use it all for an ironic dinner party. But the vicar got majorly cross – seriously are vicars even allowed to know words like that? – and she said the food bank was only for people who were in desperate circumstances and had a voucher from their GP or social services.” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Around Harold, Economy, News

Tagged as , ,

by | · 4:51 am

Film fan backlash as reviewer asks for £500,000 for socks and cake

SF McCrossin on his way to another film

SF McCrossin on his way to another film

Film fans have reacted with fury as local reviewer and self-proclaimed ‘Top Nerd’ S.F McCrossin has asked fans to contribute £500,000 to his Kickstarter campaign. McCrossin has failed to provide a breakdown of where this money would be spent leading to the widespread belief that he will spend it all on socks and cake.

McCrossin has long been notorious in film geek circles for his website Isn’t It Lovely.com on which he gives outstanding reviews to the most mediocre of films in exchange for presents from film makers and studios or as he likes to put it ‘gifty-wifties’. Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment

Tagged as , , , ,

by | August 19, 2013 · 7:00 am

Football haters have strong start to the season: all clichés make successful appearances

Warning: this is what happens to your face if you can't talk about football without using the phrase 'bread and circuses'.

Warning: this is what happens to your face  permanently if you can’t talk about football without using the phrase ‘bread and circuses’.

Football haters got their season off to a strong start this weekend with all the main clichés being given a successful airing.

“I had done some pre-season training,” said local absolutely-not-a-football-fan Alex Gates. “Over the last few weeks if anyone’s mentioned football within earshot I’ve immediately inserted myself into the conversation and said ‘what it’s starting again already? But it’s only just finished’ accompanying that with a wry chuckle as if gently amused by the stupidity of everyone who isn’t me. This weekend I saw the benefits and was able to pull off the comment ‘it’s just a load of blokes kicking a ball around’ in a packed bar with the wry chuckle and a sneer of disdain. So I’m pleased with my performance so far.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Football haters have strong start to the season: all clichés make successful appearances

Filed under Around Harold, News, Sport

Tagged as , , ,

by | August 16, 2013 · 7:00 am

Stuntman Death Latest: Jumping Without Parachute ‘Dangerous’ Warns Expert

Forgotten anything?

A Health and Safety expert has issued a warning following the death of local stuntman, Dave Dunnit, who jumped from a helicopter without a parachute yesterday.

“Although investigations have yet to be concluded, it would appear that the cause of death was most probably jumping out of the aircraft without a parachute,” commented the HSE man. “Unless the aircraft in which you are travelling is actually about to crash, we would strongly recommend against jumping out; especially without a parachute since the belief that you can glide to earth like a bird, is at best misguided.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Stuntman Death Latest: Jumping Without Parachute ‘Dangerous’ Warns Expert

Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

by | August 14, 2013 · 10:30 am

Villagers blame fracking for Mothra attacks

fracking moths

Up from the depths, 30 storeys high: Cuadrilla. Cuadrilla. Cuadrilla!

A sharp increase in the number of attacks by an angry, giant moth is being blamed on fracking by locals.

‘Mothra’, a devine kaiju or ‘strange creature’ that normally protects mankind from monsters such as the tyranosaur-like Cuadrilla, was discovered under a field outside Harold last Thursday. Wrenched from the ground in larvae form during a tentative light frack, Mothra was discarded by Cuadrilla after she proved too hard to set fire to.

“My theory is that this creature had been resting just below my potatoes”, explained farmer Evans. “She was probably all content and that, because the bees have come back. But when Cuadrilla drilled through her hidey-hole, she really got the hump. That’s when she went off on one and started beaming stuff with her face.”
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Around Harold, Business, Crime, science

Tagged as , , , ,

by | August 12, 2013 · 7:00 am

Village blows flood defence budget on permanently manned lifeboat station

RNLI

Cllr Ronnson claims the boat is ‘way cooler’ than palettes of sandbags.

Locals have reacted angrily to a new lifeboat station that has appeared in the village high street.

Although Harold has suffered from minor flooding in the past two years out of seven, opponents claim the lifeboat is an ‘inappropriate response’ in a community 160 miles from the sea.

Last winter, two basement ‘man caves’ and a home cinema were slightly damaged when the River Toksvig burst its banks. Images of a mildewed sofa and a sodden Star Wars poster will still be seared on the minds of our readers from those calamitous events.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Village blows flood defence budget on permanently manned lifeboat station

Filed under Around Harold, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | August 11, 2013 · 10:00 am

Local Imam appeals for tolerance towards ordinary atheists after latest Dawkins outrage

Richard Dawkins: stupid in that way only very, very clever people are.

Dawkins: can’t outrage quicker than a quick tweet on Twitter

Local Iman, Qaasim Mohammed of Dunstable Central Mosque has appealed for tolerance towards ordinary atheists and asked people to remain calm in the face of the latest Twitter controversy from militant atheist Professor Richard Dawkins.

“On the first day of Eid, Richard Dawkins tweeted ‘All the world’s Muslims have fewer Nobel Prizes than Trinity College, Cambridge. They did great things in the Middle Ages, though.’ which is offensive in terms of timing and content but people need to remember that extremists like Dawkins while very vocal are a small minority and do not represent atheism as a whole.” Continue reading →

3 Comments

Filed under Around Harold, News, Religion

Tagged as , , ,

by | August 8, 2013 · 11:00 am

Closure fears for precinct’s ‘Bongo Bongo Land’

bongbongo

Um bongo um bongo, they play them outside Tesco.

Harold’s leading ethnic percussionist has claimed his shop may not survive, following a withering attack by local politician Ron Ronsson.

Bongo Bongo Land has been selling slightly shoddy hand drums since 1993, when they took over the units previously occupied by failed Dawn’s Zulu Xylophones and the adjoining African airline agent, Fly Tse Tse.

With locals keen to add an international flavour to their conservatories and hallways, George Evans’ deer-hided instruments were once the perfect accompaniment to Indonesian face masks, native American dream catchers and ‘Welsh Drums’ made from a bin lid and half a brick.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Closure fears for precinct’s ‘Bongo Bongo Land’

Filed under Around Harold, Business, Politics, Travel

Tagged as , , , , ,