Category Archives: Around Harold

by | January 28, 2014 · 7:00 am

Village struck by outbreak of ‘disco boobs’

disco boobs

Symptoms include rhythmic nipples, night sweats and mild Travolting.

The village of Harold is in the grip of a serious health crisis, with ‘disco boobs’ now infecting 35% of residents.

The outbreak has been traced to a single host: an infected out-of-town DJ at 40th birthday party in the Squirrel Lickers Arms.

“The function room was packed with heaving, sweating bodies”, said local GP Doctor Evans. “That’s the perfect breeding ground for diseases like Disco Boobs. I spotted the first symptoms when Eddie’s chest glazed over and started pulsing to the rhythm, but I was too late to stop it spreading by conga.”
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by | January 27, 2014 · 1:24 pm

‘Unfair criticism drove me to tears’ sobs Ofsted chief

roach

Wilshire now routinely wears a heavy disguise to reduce his unpopularity

Teachers’ leaders expressed support today for Sir Michael Wilshire, the embattled boss of Ofsted. Wilshire has recently been briefed against by zealous acolytes of pasty-faced Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove.

“It’s not like criticising someone relentlessly is going to make them do a better job, is it?”  Wilshire had demanded tearfully of a clearly embarrassed BBC interviewer Bill Turnbull on this morning’s ‘Breakfast’ show “Where’s the fairness in that?” he snuffled from behind a hankie “Everyone will think I’m a clown”. Continue reading →

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by | January 26, 2014 · 9:05 am

Lib Dem perverts: ‘still plenty in stock’

nickclegg

Right, now for my ‘shocked’ and ‘concerned’ face. What do you think?

Lib Dem Party leaders have denied  persistent rumours in the Westminster Village that they have  a rogue  MP who is not a serial groper.

Nick Clegg asserts he was quick to respond. “As soon as I heard of these appalling allegations against a backbench MP, I paused to reflect for about three years and then acted immediately. How did I act? Well, I acted ‘shocked’, with eyebrows raised, like this …and acted ‘concerned’, with a frown, like this. It’s not an easy look. Go on, you try it. See?” Continue reading →

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by | January 25, 2014 · 1:25 pm

Farage wants a gun in his pocket so people think he’s pleased to see them

Farage enjoys a ciggie after polishing his gun

Farage enjoys a ciggie after polishing his gun

After UKIP leader Nigel Farage once again called for handguns to be legalised, commentators are becoming convinced that he has a deep-seated desire for people to think he’s pleased to see them.

“Like all leaders, Farage wants to be seen as a strong, virile leader” said political scientist Jacob Heather. “But ‘downstairs’ he just doesn’t stack up. I think Farage thinks a Magnum 44 in his pocket would make all the difference.”
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by | January 23, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Bread companies introduce ‘Jesus-free’ toast option

The Father, Son, and Holy Toast

The Father, Son, and Holy Toast

Consumer concern about the possible health effects of eating toast containing images of Jesus has led to some bread companies introducing a ‘Jesus-free’ option.

Jesus-free proponents say that traditional toast contains significant amounts of images of Jesus and the Virgin Mary and this can dull the capacity for individual thought and leave people reliant on fairy stories and miracles. It also leaves a stodgy, bloated feeling in the stomach and causes wind.

“I’ve felt much more energetic and alive since moving to Jesus-free toast” observed Harold café owner Pippa Delaney. “I wake up earlier, I have the energy for a decent walk, and I’ve stopped giving ten percent of my money to the Church.”
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by | January 22, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Winter Olympics: heavy-handed outreach project forces ski jump on village primary school

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St Mary’s Primary School ski jump as seen from Harold’s recreation ground. On a clear day if you stand at the top you can just make out Dunstable’s dreaming spires.

Villagers in Harold are getting increasingly angry over the ski jump that was forced upon the local primary school. Denounced as an eyesore it was built despite strong local protest in what some are calling an exceptionally heavy-handed grass roots campaign to get more children competing in winter sports. Continue reading →

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by | January 18, 2014 · 11:00 am

Council spends £35k on stapler consultant

stapleconfusion

Which would you choose?

Cllr Ron Ronnson has attempted to justify to a committee why the local council spent £35k on a stapler expert last year.

Julia Evans is regarded as the country’s leading stationery expert, and has done some ground-breaking work in the area of staplers. What’s more, she claims to have ‘cracked the staple code’. Incredibly, she says she can tell a strip of No.10s from a rogue pair of 26/6s.

“Until quite recently, people in offices assumed the numbers written on the boxes of staples were entirely random”, explained Evans. “But thanks to my team of dedicated research fellows, we think we’re on the verge of understanding them.”

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by | January 9, 2014 · 11:00 am

Football introduce January transplant window

QPR buy a safe pair of hands for Robert Green

QPR buy a safe pair of hands for Robert Green

The English Football Association and English Premier League have bowed to pressure from clubs and introduced a January transplant window. The move will help both smaller clubs who struggle to afford a whole player in today’s overheated market, and the marquee clubs who want to improve a star player’s weak spot.

The first few days of the new transplant window has seen numerous deals.

As expected, Premier League aspirants Queens Park Rangers have gone to the market for a safe pair of hands for Robert Green, and Peter Schmeichel’s large mitts have been secured for a 7 figure sum. Robert Green welcomed the news of the record transplant saying: “It won’t change me one bit, well apart from the fact that I’ll now be able to catch the ball of course.”
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by | January 6, 2014 · 11:00 am

Football Legend ‘sort-of’ remembered by those who didn’t know him

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Italy’s ‘Black Pearl’ played for Chelsea United for many years

Next Saturday, Harold Thursday will pay its own unique tribute to footballing legend Eusébio da Silva Ferreira, known to soccer fans worldwide simply as ‘Silva’, who died over the weekend.  Club Chairman, William ‘Supermack’ McKean explained “As soon as a few spectators arrive, there will be a ten minute rolling silence; except at the refreshment counter, which will be kept open as a mark of respect. We’ve got mince pies on two-for-one. Or three-for-two, if they’re still before the sell-by date.” Continue reading →

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by | December 31, 2013 · 12:00 pm

DJ creates ‘perfect New Year’s Eve song’ by mixing music from Cliff Richard’s ‘Millennium Prayer’ with ‘Auld Lang Syne’ poem lyrics

auld-lang-syne

After me, everyone! ‘We’re all going on a Summer holiday…’

Just in time for tonight’s celebrations, an amateur DJ from the village of Harold has unveiled what people are already calling the ‘perfect New Year’s Eve song’, by mixing up the melody from Cliff Richard’s popular classic The Millennium Prayer with the words from obscure  poem Auld Lang Syne by little-known Scottish poet Robert Burns.

‘It was one of those things that just click,’ explained 46-year-old R. M. Renfield. ‘I was listening to the Cliff song – what a classic – and I just thought, great though these lyrics are, let’s think the unthinkable and see what it sounds like without them. Now, this is going to sound hard to believe, but I had a recording of someone reciting this old Scottish poem, Auld Lang Syne, it’s called, I think that’s Gaelic, and I had this sudden inspiration – why not mix them up? And my God, it sounded good, they could have been made for each other!’ Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Local man still confident of completing all 2016 New Year resolutions if he starts now

todo2016Harold resident Gavin Barker spoke to journalists this morning of his confidence that even though only a single day remains in 2016, he will still manage to achieve his perhaps optimistic set of resolutions from last New Year’s Eve.

In a wildly over-ambitious resolution frenzy as 2015 drew to a close, Mr Barker’s long list of commitments for 2016 included learning Spanish, losing four stone in weight and getting a novel published. Having started none of these with only hours remaining, his wife and friends have expressed scepticism that he will manage to get through the list. ‘I’m starting a bit late, it’s true’, Barker admitted, ‘But with a reasonably aggressive timetable today I should be able to knock all these off.’ Continue reading →

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by | December 29, 2013 · 8:00 am

‘Sale frenzy’ in chocolatiers was actually hypoglycaemic attack

chocolate fight

Crimewatch  ‘very keen’ to recreate scenes from sale frenzy.

A ‘sale frenzy’ in a local chocolatiers that led to 14 arrests has been attributed to an undiagnosed diabetic.

‘Brown Dollops’ of Harold, purveyors of novelty chocolate excretions, opened their doors to a rowdy crowd of shoppers at 9am this morning only to have to close them again at 9.22.

“It was bedlam”, said shop assistant Diane Orrocks. “There were at least 7 customers jostling to be served first. That’s as many punters as there are days in a week”, lending proof to manager Brian Oswald’s claim that Orrocks is a keen amateur mathematician.
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by | December 27, 2013 · 7:00 am

Husband asks wife whether gift of Christmas sex comes with exchange card

Never ask whether Christmas sex comes with an exchange card

Never ask whether Christmas sex comes with an exchange card

The marriage of prominent Harold café owners Dominic and Pippa Delaney is under strain after Mr Delaney responded to his wife’s offered gift of Christmas sex by asking whether it came with an exchange card.

Speaking from his bed in Dunstable Hospital, Mr Delaney said his wife had given him Christmas sex the last 5 years in a row, and his wife seemed initially unfazed when he mentioned the exchange card.
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by | December 24, 2013 · 11:00 am

Chinese Christmas cracker makers outsource jokes to Miranda Hart

Such fun!

Such fun!

After over a century of using exactly the same jokes in Christmas crackers, Chinese manufacturers have hired comedienne Miranda Hart to provide new jokes. In keeping with her TV series, all the jokes are visual and feature pictures of Miranda falling over, making funny faces, and being involved in amusing misunderstandings.

A spokesmen for the Chinese companies said that traditional Christmas cracker jokes were suitable for ages 7 to 77, but only 7 year olds and 77 year olds actually found them hilarious. This was entirely deliberate as anything too funny at a Christmas dinner could be a choking hazard. By replacing the traditional jokes with Miranda jokes, the Chinese again hope to avoid messy lawsuits.
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by | December 20, 2013 · 7:00 am

Celebration as woman finally discovers what the flaps on the end of kitchen foil boxes are for

plastic-wrap-and-foil-box-trick-2-web

You didn’t know these things were there either, did you?

There was celebration in Harold as a woman discovered what the flaps on the ends of kitchen foil boxes are for and used a roll of foil correctly for the very first time.

“I’d always used it the way God intended,” said Sally Lloyd owner of Sally’z Cut’z hair and beauty salon. “You open the box, tug on it a bit, then struggle to get the serrated edge to work and nine times out of ten the whole roll falls out at that point so you have a little but heartfelt swear and try again.” Continue reading →

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by | December 19, 2013 · 3:00 pm

Xmas Party misconduct claims plunge – office gossips face spending January working

TwatmugMorale of many UK workers is at an all-time low after the office Xmas Party season generated next to no complaints of sexual indiscretions, punch-ups, and inappropriate Secret Santa gifts. With the traditional January pastime of gossiping over the progress of colleague’s disciplinary proceedings under threat, there is widespread fear amongst employees that they will have to spend the month actually doing work.

The sudden drop in complaints has caught HR specialists by surprise, with a variety of theories advanced to explain the worrying phenomenon.
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by | December 17, 2013 · 2:30 pm

DNKY ‘Be Gert Lush’ scent faces lengthy legal battle

gert lush

The ‘swede’ smell of success.

An amateur perfumier is facing a ruinous legal fight, after ignoring a ‘cease and desist’ order from Donna Karan.

Farmer Phil Evans from Harold turned his hand to producing cosmetics, because ‘it seemed less bother than rummaging about in cows’.

DNKY ‘Be Gert Lush’ is literally a ground-breaking new scent: it’s made from a combination of root vegetables and a strange liquid he found beneath the chicken shed. “On top of that there’s some animal glands that are a bit too rank for sausages”, he smiled. “That’s just what they do with the posh stuff, that is. Only they normally calls it ‘musk’.”
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by | December 16, 2013 · 11:00 am

Terrified family pleads with Twitter users: ‘please don’t return evil bear’

evilbear

Polce have warned the public not to approach the bear, which is believed to be manky.

Police are urging Twitter users to to ignore a picture of a ‘lost’ bear, claiming that the evil animal is plotting revenge on its previous owners.

Known only as ‘Bear X’, the synthetic creature kidnapped a woman with quite tidy writing, and forced her to produce a letter to help him track the terrified family down.

Speaking from Dunstable hospital where she is being treated for shock, the woman assured a press conference that the bear was ‘absolute scum’.
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by | December 15, 2013 · 7:00 am

Local accountancy firm gearing up for their January Sale

cash

For a wad of grubby lucre, he won’t keep going on about profit margins, depreciation and capital allowances.

It’s the time of year when many self-employed people start to panic about the January Tax Return deadline.

“They catch me out every year, sneaking their brown oblong envelope in among the Christmas cards,” said Pippa Delaney, owner of Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! in Harold.  “How jolly nice of HMRC to send me a seasonal payslip.”

But help is now at hand with a local accountancy firm getting ready for their January Sale.  “We’ve got loads of special offers lined up,” said Geoffrey King, of King’s Counting House, “and some real bargains in our Down A Bit On Last Year range of simplified Tax Returns and, for the client whose dog chewed up his business records, our unique Sounds About Right range of off-the-peg accounts.”
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by | December 10, 2013 · 7:00 am

Road glitter lorries ‘festive but treacherous’

glitter

All that glitters is not a contribution to road safety.

Safety campaigners have slammed the council as ‘reckless’ following the introduction of a fleet of road glitters.

Harold council bought three lorries to tackle the impending festivities, and to add a bit of sparkle to the B roads around the village. But Pippa Delaney was highly critical of the new surface treatment, after careering off the road in her Land Rover Freelander on a treacherous mix of sleet, frost and shiny bits of plastic.

Equipped with powerful diesel engines and a sort of spinny metal thing on the back, each of the trucks is capable of covering around 25 miles of road in glitter a night, up to a depth of three inches.

But Delaney insists that far from adding ‘a bit of Christmas magic’ to road traffic accidents, the trucks are actually causing most of them.
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