Category Archives: Around Harold

by | May 25, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Hope fades for missing bee

iberianbee

Have you seen this bee?

Harold bee-fancier Chloe Ackroyd is considering suing her employers after they gave her a formal disciplinary warning yesterday. Ackroyd agrees that once again she’d arrived late for work on Saturday but says her boss refused to accept her genuine explanation as valid. 

“I’d popped into Dunstable Station to buy a skinny cappuccino and there was a rather tired bee on the platform,” she explained “I couldn’t leave it to be crushed so scooped it up in my cup.”  Continue reading →

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by | May 22, 2014 · 11:00 am

Mayor apologises for holding elections in public toilets

voter

Finger mark proves this chap used the facilities.

The Mayor of Harold has apologised for using the public toilets as a polling booth for the European elections.

Regulars found their way blocked by people with clipboards, asking them if they’d made up their mind about where they were leaving their mark.

“I often pop into these toilets to deal with a range of unpleasantries”, said local farmer David Evans. “I don’t give it much thought, or fully understand the workings of the complex system that deals with my shit.”

Evans was furious that he was unable to vote in his favourite trap, but delighted that the council had finally employed people to hand out toilet paper.
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by | May 20, 2014 · 11:00 am

Breakthrough as scientist discovers how to paralyse monkeys

stunned monkeyA local scientist has been hailed as a genius, after successfully paralysing a monkey under laboratory conditions.
Using just a computer, some needles and a powerful hammer, Dr Kyle Hostage was able to extract the ability to move from a series of primates.

“Ever since we discovered how closely related we are to these creatures, man has dreamed of being able to disable them”, said Dr Hostage.

Dr Hostage had experimented with a range of techniques, including daytime television, crisps and quite heavy hats. “But still I was unable to rob them of movement”, he admitted.
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by | May 19, 2014 · 2:09 pm

Harold Weed Exhibition ‘just flower show in wrong place’

dandelionA controversial weed exhibition on the outskirts of Harold has been branded ‘misleading’ by visitors.

With many expecting to discover a rebellious display of cannabis plants, hippies and Arthritis sufferers alike were left disappointed after following signposts.

“The one outside the post office was definitely pointing left”, said one rotund outsider in a frankly awful, rainbow-coloured jumper and straggly pony tail scraped across his balding pate. “I’m standing right here, I can read what you’re writing”, he said angrily. “you’re exhibiting prejudice against people who suffer joint pain.”

Despite a string of inaccurate and obtuse posters giving hints to several places where the weed show wasn’t, some visitors eventually found a flower show in the pointy room above the church.
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by | · 7:00 am

Police seek the notorious ‘Uncle’ after spate of nose thefts

nose-theft

Look who’s playing Voldemort in the school panto!

Police in the village of Harold are today hunting a shadowy underworld figure known only as ‘the Uncle’ after an epidemic of nose-stealing left scores of local children nasally-bereft.

“The victims came to us with very similar stories,” said PC Anita Flegg. “Each one had their nose removed in broad daylight by a figure who they referred to as ‘the Uncle’. “

“The criminal’s modus operandi seems never to change – in each case, the nose is stolen between the culprit’s index and middle finger, a truly shocking, if mildly amusing crime.” Continue reading →

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by | May 15, 2014 · 1:30 pm

Statin ‘safe’ judgement welcomed by pie-eating smokers

tablets

Sugar-coated statins ‘delicious deep fried’.

Fat people and smokers alike have welcomed a report into the safety of statins, and are planning to celebrate by eating a big cake and then popping outside for a fag.

With questions raised over side-effects from Britain’s favourite wonder drug, some bloaters had feared they may be forced into changing their lifestyle.

But now the British Medical Journal has given the pills the all-clear, sweating, gasping middle-aged people are looking forward to ordering some big pants and gradually cutting down on their exercise.

“When I read that statins might be bad for me, I dropped my tray of donuts in shock”, said Harold resident Malcolm Evans. “Then I felt a bit clammy, and my left arm started to hurt. It’s reckless, spreading scare stories like that. I nearly took responsibility for my own mortality.”
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by | · 7:17 am

Potato ‘proud to be for sale in Waitrose’

poshveg

Feeling chipper.

Jeremy, a white, middle-sized potato, has spoken of his pride after being selected by Waitrose.

Despite tough competition from migrant sweet potatoes, a Jerusalem artichoke and two swedes, Jeremy made it to the prime eye-level shelf opposite a kumquat and a pre-washed bistro salad.

“My teachers always said I’d amount to nothing more than the crust on an Aldi fish pie”, revealed Jeremy.
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by | May 14, 2014 · 11:00 am

TV viewers vow suicide pact if Richard and Judy get another series

madeley_alig

Suffering beyond the limits of endurance

Local TV fans Jenny Renfield and husband Arthur have raised a storm in the media by claiming they have agreed to a mutual assisted death pact should Richard and Judy’s morning talk show ever return to television.

In an interview with the Evening Harold, Mrs Renfield said: “If Arthur was really forced to endure that horrific suffering, I wouldn’t give a tuppenny if there was a risk of being prosecuted. I’d do what was right, and I’d take the consequences. That is your job, that is your responsibility as a partner and viewer.”

Her husband agreed, saying: “I wouldn’t let my wife go through that sort of torture. The locked room, the bottle of whisky and the revolver, no messing about. Unless I could find the TV remote and change channels, of course.” Continue reading →

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by | May 13, 2014 · 11:00 am

Home heart bypass operations ‘safe’ claims owner of Scalpels-2-U

heart

Black represents the bad bit.

As more and more NHS services are moved from hospitals to the family home, an entrepreneur in Harold is offering door-to-door open heart surgery paraphernalia.

Brian Clutter insists that, just like giving birth, patients prefer a triple bypass in the comfort of their own lounge. And with a hygienic bucket to put any spare wobbly bits in, he promises those that survive will be pleased with the service.

“Basic washing-up liquid and a capful of bleach will clean up even the toughest of residue from a clumsily nicked artery”, claimed Clutter. “And rubbed-in dirt, perhaps from dropping a stray kidney and standing on it, can be shifted by turning the rug over.”
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by | May 9, 2014 · 11:00 am

Village mourns tragic death of local ant

ant

Albert, this morning

Residents of the village of Harold were today coming to terms with the untimely and tragic death of “Albert”, a much-loved local personality and ant.

Albert had long been one of Harold’s most popular insects, and his cheerful six-legged figure was a common sight  scurrying in at open windows, devouring sweet things in local larders and listening to his favourite band, which was of course eighties glam new romantics Spandau Ballet. Continue reading →

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by | May 7, 2014 · 7:00 am

Bank insists customer service will not suffer as entire call centre outsourced to family of badgers

callcentre

Hello, how can I snuffle snuffle snuffle snuffle?

Bank of Harold bosses have dismissed as ‘scaremongering’ union claims that customer service would be affected following the bank’s move to replace all call centre staff with a large colony of badgers.

Bank chiefs insist that it is unrealistic to expect to pay human wages in the current economic climate, and point out that the considerable savings made will be sufficient to safeguard the bonus structure for several years to come.

“The real beauty of the plan is that badgers don’t require money,” explained CEO Howard Bing. “In fact, they have no concept of finance whatsoever, preferring an entirely slug- and beetle-based economy, where immediate consumption is very much the norm. And with the slug/pound exchange rate where it is right now, we’re quids in.”

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by | May 6, 2014 · 11:00 am

Man dies after ignoring ‘5 second rule’

food

Ignoring 5 second rule ‘like playing Russian Roulette with biscuits’ warn experts.

Medical experts are calling for greater awareness of the ‘5 second rule’, the safe time limit for eating food after it’s fallen on the floor.

The campaign comes after the death of a man who ate a gravitied Hobnob, that had been on the carpet for over a quarter of a minute.

“Some jokers seem to think these rules don’t apply to them”, said Harold GP Doctor Evans. “Eating floor food after 5 seconds has passed can easily kill you. Or failing that, make you stronger.”
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by | May 5, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Knob-tossing competition thrills bank holiday innuendo lovers

mayorknob

Oh, what a beauty.

Scores of local athletes spent their bank holiday taking part in Harold village’s famous tossing competition. The old Harold contest involves participants tossing the locally-grown knob of Mayor Rufus D. Jackson as hard as possible.

The tradition goes back many years, but historians believe it was invented by Mayor Jackson himself, during a dry spell. This year’s winner, Norman Bunting, produced a record-breaking toss, the results easily clearing the cricket pavilion roof.

‘Hard crusted’

Women’s Institute President and toss organsiser Marjorie Houndstooth explained the rules of the competition: “The knob must be tossed underarm with a firm grip, and at least one of Mayor Jackson’s feet must remain on the ground at all times.”

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by | · 10:00 am

Crowds gather for May Day cyclist shoot

mounted head

Bagging a cyclist is the dream of many.

The annual May Day cyclist shoot is expected to draw a record crowd this year, as huge numbers of the migrant subspecies pour into Harold from surrounding ring roads.

With their brightly coloured lycra plumage in spectacular condition, organisers hope to bring down at least 20 of the blighters before they reach the relative safety of Dunstable.

“Barristers and stock brokers alike revere the cyclists of Harold”, explained sportskeeper Iliah Evans. “They’re bred for their speed, stamina and easily shootable buttocks.”
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by | May 2, 2014 · 11:00 am

Man sitting near journalist for local newspaper ‘definitely a filthy tramp’

office2A man sitting in the offices of an undisclosed local newspaper is a manky, filthy tramp-pig, according to unnamed sources.

Accused of burping, sniffing and farting simultaneously and harvesting nose hair with his fingers, the alleged oaf also eats cake for breakfast, it can be revealed.

“Although these activities aren’t illegal, some working at the newspaper think they should be”, said one employee. “Especially those who sit within range of his spittle.”
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by | April 29, 2014 · 2:30 pm

North Korean restaurant fails to make World ‘top 50’ list despite 99.9% customer satisfaction

Zhou prepares his signature dish 'Rice'

Zhou prepares his signature dish ‘Rice’

A restaurant specialising in North Korean cuisine reacted furiously to being left out of the World ‘top 50’ list despite consistently recording customer satisfaction ratings in excess of 99.9%.

Dave Zhou, supreme proprietor of ‘the 38th Parallel’ in the sleepy village of Harold, told reporters that the World ‘top 50’ snub showed that the Judges were mere prawns in the Western Capitalist Pig Dog Global Conspiracy before clarifying to a hungry member of the press that yes, he did in fact take American Express.

Zhou, who is well known for his signature, and in fact only, dish ‘Rice’, said the Judges had failed to appreciate his ground breaking fusion technique: “I just pound the rice and cook it for a few minutes longer than usual and it all sticks together.”
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by | April 24, 2014 · 2:00 pm

OAP clamped after Post Office queue fiasco

POA village post office has been criticised for its ‘draconian behaviour’ after having an elderly customer clamped and removed for spending too much time chatting as she drew her pension.

Eye witness, Dave Zhou, was in a long queue behind pensioner Elsie Duggan when the clampers moved into action. “The old dear at the front of the queue had been deep in conversation at the counter for ages when an alarm sounded and two men in hi-viz grubby overalls stormed in and clamped her walking frame. Then they lifted her onto a trolley and wheeled her out of the building. The last I saw was them hoisting her onto the back of a truck by crane.” Continue reading →

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by | · 10:00 am

Shock as people mumble incoherently in a pub

Jamaica

Cornish pirates are renowned for their correct pronunciation.

Viewers are furious that a show about the Jamaica Inn contained incoherent mumbling, gurgling sounds and other fairly common pub noises.

In one scene, the barman Joss Merlyn explained something really earnestly and slowly just using vowels, as he attempted to sit carefully on the fire.

‘Erm a pira’, said Joss. ‘AAAAARRR! y’now. A pir. afur afurki pir. A PIRA! AAAAAARRR JIM LAD.’

At this point, his brother Jem aggressively disagreed with him, stating ‘ba..b…bullo’s. yerr a f…f…a big f**kern PIRATE.’

Others attempted to balance things on their face, and a young extra soiled themselves and then found it funny.
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by | April 15, 2014 · 3:08 pm

Review: ‘Oranges are not the only fruit’ focuses too much on horticulture

Mariella Buss-Stop

Mariella Buss-Stop

Mariella Buss-Stop reviews the Harold Player’s latest theatre production.

The latest production by the Harold players left an unpleasant taste in my mouth, and not just because I’m citrus intolerant.

Expecting a plodding yet faithful interpretation of Jeanette Winterson’s lesbian coming-of-age classic, I wasn’t prepared for quite such a long-winded and frankly angry diatribe on the taxonomy of vegetables.

The lead actress, made a good fist of being a lesbian, although it could be argued the dungarees were something of a tired stereotype. Smeared in mud (perhaps a metaphor for foul Pentecostal intolerance) and carrying a pig under her arm, the show opens with her silently getting her lettuce out.
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by | April 14, 2014 · 1:14 pm

History: Henry VIII was a brickie and did Charles II start the Great Fire of London?

HentyPainstaking research by Harold don, Professor Bethany Russell, has revealed that Henry VIII, famous for having six wives, was also a first class bricklayer who played an active part in the building of many of the great palaces attributed to him.

According to recently discovered papers, there was nothing he liked better after a hard day conducting the affairs of state, than to spend a couple of hours working on the intricate brick tracery of Hampton Court Palace with a trowel in his hand.

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