Author Archives: waylandsmithy

by | April 16, 2015 · 7:00 am

Bear Grylls survives family picnic without sticking a hose up his bottom

bear grylls

Bear Grylls, shortly after ‘freshening up’.

The family of Bear Grylls was celebrating yesterday, after the star managed to survive for over 8 hours without sticking a hose up his bottom.

Despite being outside for the best part of a day, the adventurer survived a picnic, a game of French Cricket and a close call with a wasp, without once resorting to his trusty anal pipe.

“I’m so proud of him”, said wife Ocelot Grylls. “We had a lovely time in the Cotswolds and we all ate well, without the normal strong feelings of revulsion and shame.”
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by | April 14, 2015 · 11:13 am

Odds shorten on royal baby being named ‘Vote Tory’

Kate models her pillow

Baby name could give Tories a small bump.

Ladbrokes has revealed that ‘Vote Tory’ is the odds-on favourite name for the royal baby, after a visit to Buckingham palace by Ed Miliband.

Less than 10 minutes after the Labour leader left the premises, a flurry of bets were made from a large address in St. James’s Park.

“It’s an unusual name”, admitted Gail Evans of Harold’s branch of the bookies. “In fact it’s so rare that if they were one day to be monarch, they would only be ‘Vote Tory IV’.”

A number of names have been suggested recently, including ‘Goodfor Tourism’, ‘Nigel’ and ‘Gene Pool Enlargement Specimen B’.
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by | April 13, 2015 · 7:34 am

Disgust as fans watch Game of Thrones ‘for free’

GOTFans have accessed a copy of Game of Thrones Season 5, days before it screens on Sky Atlantic.

The opening episode has been viewed by hundreds of fans, none of who paid a penny for the privilege.

“This is a serious matter”, said Harold’s PC Flegg. “There’s some evidence that this is the work of the criminal underground: the leak seems to have eminated from the UK’s oldest prison.”

Flegg explained that a torrent of fans had rushed to see the much-anticipated episode, by sneaking along a red carpet.

“Nothing would stop them, although some did pause for photos and autographs”, said Harold’s cybercrime specialist. “Then they shamelessly stole the entire programme using their eyes to stare at a screen outside the Tower of London.”
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by | April 9, 2015 · 6:40 am

Electorate demands: ‘Can we see the real candidates now?’

miliband muppet

The man that does the lips previously operated Jabba the Hut’s ringpiece.

With less than a month to go until the most dismal general election for decades, voters are pleading with the establishment to show them ‘the proper candidates now’.

Fed up with a wall of cartoon morons who you wouldn’t leave alone with your children, voters think it’s about time they came clean and showed us the real people.

“They spend a lot of time trying to look normal, some of them even pretend to eat”, said Harold’s Pippa Delaney. “But you can tell they’re just puppets because their eyes don’t work properly.”

Concerns were raised when a still-crumpled Cameron was emerged from a box on a bus in Wales, and a muddled-up Miliband was filmed blinking with his mouth.
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by | April 8, 2015 · 6:54 am

Election 2015: UKIP would ‘tax the French’

pub_landlord_farage

France hasn’t bought Nigel so much as a drink.

Nigel Farage has unveiled his party’s economic policy, and within it, plans to make the French pay our taxes.

In a move which would shift the financial burden from working class, middle class and upper class Brits, UKIP will instead tax someone else entirely.

“I’m sure we’ve all heard of the French”, said Farage. “And what the people on the streets are telling me, is that a lot of the French aren’t currently paying any tax at all in the UK.”

“They’re just idling away in their own country, and refusing to fill in British tax returns. That’s typical of them, and so many others in Federal Europe.”
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by | April 5, 2015 · 3:00 pm

Ed Miliband’s scripted jokes leaked: the list in full

Miliband

Note to self: don’t clap your own jokes.

A list of pre-prepared notes has been found in Ed Miliband’s dressing room, following the TV debates. The Evening Harold can exclusively publish them in full.

My mother-in-law is so fat, she qualifies for a free flu jab and disability allowance. Quite right too, it’s a serious condition.

A welsh woman, a scots woman and a hungarian go into a bar. They form a coalition to keep the tories out.
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by | · 11:00 am

Crucified rabbit ‘was administrative error’

cross bunny

The magic rabbit may have laid its last egg.

Harold’s vicar, Rev Tansey Forster, has distanced herself from an event that saw a large-ish rabbit nailed to a cross on the village green.

Although she admitted telling children that the ‘Easter bunny’ wasn’t real and that the focus of the holiday should be more on capital punishment, she denies giving explicit orders to crucify a fat rabbit.

“It’s no secret that the bunny and I didn’t really see eye-to-eye”, admitted Forster. “And that’s not just because I’m diabetic.”
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by | April 4, 2015 · 12:39 pm

UKIP broadcast to be hosted by Sauron

Eye_of_Sauron

Sauron will brood menacingly for 5 minutes without saying a word.

Following Labour’s use of a Hobbit, Nigel Farage has revealed his party will also appeal to Middle England through characters from Middle Earth.

“We’ve got some excellent chaps in UKIP, and amongst the few that can read, we found one who’s actually flicked through a bit of Tolkien”, revealed Farage.

“He tells me it’s a story about how slightly different races aren’t supposed to get on, unless they join together and find a common enemy to pick on.”
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by | March 31, 2015 · 11:55 am

EXCLUSIVE! Local greengrocer ‘won’t quit’

carrot (1)

A carrot

A greengrocer in Harold has angrily denied that he’s quitting, and instead vowed to continue in his role.

Defiantly operating his till and a sort of weighing contraption to the left of it, Dominic Evans of ‘Evans Vegetables and Sons’ faced up to a string of customers, one at a time.

The move to stay put comes quickly after the departure of Cllr Ron Ronsson: he brushed past our reporter carrying a melon and some carrots.

Despite the ‘cash for fruit’ controversy, no-one has actually called for Evans to leave. But they will do, once a journalist gets to the front of the queue. “What on earth are talking about?” demanded Evans. “Where the f*** would I go?”, before adding “do you want those potatoes or not?”

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by | March 30, 2015 · 7:00 am

Police take threat ‘not to buy tv licence’ seriously

tv licenceAn anonymous threat to not buy a television licence is being treated as ‘serious’ by police.

“We received a tip-off by email that a member of the public was planning to switch on an appliance, without having the appropriate paperwork”, said Harold’s PC Flegg.

“As soon as I read it, I put my Taser on charge and had a couple of practice shots at a potato on my sofa”, said Flegg. “I knew it was perfectly safe, because I don’t need permission to use it. Unlike my television, which costs me £145.50 a year before I can legally operate it.”

A psychological profiler thinks they’re looking for a man in their 40s, who likes cars or has a history of using one. He may also be uninterested in cooking competitively, and has possibly never knitted a bee.
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by | March 28, 2015 · 7:00 am

Dermot O’Leary to host Bland Gear

oleary

An inanimate object, in front of a racing car.

Evergrey favourite Dermot O’Leary has been chosen by the BBC to host a new show about the mundanity of transport.

Fun-tolerating Dermot, 61, welcomed his new challenge, and has pledged to own a car in the near future.

“This is an exciting time”, said O’Leary, with 13.53pm in mind.

“A lot of the 350 million worldwide viewers of Top Gear were put off by its shameless entertainment, and that’s something I’m here to nip in the bud.”

Dermot is looking forward to presenting his update of ‘a star in a reasonably underpowered car’, where the aim is to use the least fuel in an unfilmed lap of the track.
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by | March 24, 2015 · 11:49 pm

Sky announce Hammond v May pay-per-view fight: both aim to be sacked

fight

Circle Finger, 3 rounds, contact wins contract.

With heavyweight Clarkson no longer a contender, James ‘Ironing’ May and Richard ‘Anklebiter’ Hammond are hoping to follow in his footsteps and get sacked by the BBC.

In a pay-per-view fight exclusive to Sky, the two featherwits will attempt to punch their way out of their contracts.

“May doesn’t scare me”, said Hammond. “Except when he stands up, looks disapprovingly at me, moves suddenly, wears a bright shirt or mentions me on Twitter.”

With a double knockout seen by many as the only way of getting out of a world Top Gear tour, both gladiators have been practising moving their arms.
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by | · 10:52 am

Richard III inspires tour with ‘missing gran’

granny_skullA local from Harold is hoping to emulate the success of Richard III’s bone tour, using the remains of his once-missing gran.

Phil Evans, a farmer from a long line of dead people, claims to have discovered the remains of Evie Evans in a shallow grave behind his silage tanks.

“She’s all there”, revealed Evans. “And in surprisingly good condition, considering she must have buried herself after stamping on her own head around 2 years ago.”

Alive Evans and Deceased Evans have already begun their tour, on the top deck of the Number 63 bus. Using a ceremonial bus pass once thought to have belonged to the thin one, the couple were commented on all the way to Dunstable and back.

PC Flegg admitted she wasn’t sure if the tour was illegal, although she’s asked Phil Evans to stop claiming Evie’s state pension.

“A large IC1 male and a really skinny girl one were questioned by officers, but released after no sense could be made”, explained Flegg.

“We would encourage the public to refrain from making public transport smell any worse than normal, but on the positive side, that’s another missing person I can take off our records.”

 

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by | March 23, 2015 · 7:00 am

Race campaign tea shop raided by hate police

grubby cup

Campaign ‘left bad taste in the mouth’

A tea shop in Harold has been vilified on Twitter, after a racial equality promotion descended into farce.

Mick Clarkson, owner of the ‘Brew-ha-ha Tearoom’, claims he was trying to create a utopia when he gave his staff some permanent markers.

Unfortunately, police were called and two Moldavian workers arrested, after racist slogans were spotted on customer’s cups.

“We are not racist, we like at least one person from other side of village”, claimed Nikolai Spitz. “And we do not hate everyone else as has been suggested.”

The row erupted after Ron Ronsson was served a latté with the phrase ‘Some Kosabians wipe properly’ written roughly where his lips would have been.
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by | March 19, 2015 · 7:00 am

Prince Harry to offer hand-relief to the homeless

harry shuffle

Prince Harry demonstrates ‘the royal wave’.

Prince Harry has revealed he will be offering hand relief to the homeless, as he quests to fill a hole left by his exit from the army.

‘Happy Ending’ is a charity that’s particularly close to his heart, and was started by his mother when she first met Will Carling.

“For some vagrants, the thought of a warm hand on their ‘little tramp’ is too much to hope for”, explained Harry. “Particularly in the winter, or with fingerless gloves.”

Harry admitted that he isn’t the most academic member of the royal family, but insisted he was still capable of joylessly bringing relief to ‘literally five or six’ hobos a day.

“I’m in a privileged position, I have plenty of masturbatiers ‘on hand’ day or night”, revealed Harry. “But rough sleepers don’t even have a simple butler to fall back on.”
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by | March 17, 2015 · 7:00 am

School children warned of dangers of watching Clarkson eclipse

eclipse

Some oafs believe the world rotates around Clarkson.

Students at Harold’s Shining Future Academy will be allowed to miss lessons on Friday morning, so they can experience 35 minutes with a reduced view of Clarkson.

But teachers have warned that staring directly at Clarkson can cause a loss of perspective, and they worry about the effect he might have on pupils.

The Clarkson Eclipse is expected to start during the 8.00am news bulletins, but there’s a slim chance someone might not see it.

“It could be clouded out by more important news”, revealed headmaster Clive Morris, “such as the outbreak of nuclear war, an alien invasion, or…well, nothing else really. It’s such a big deal, if the hype is to be believed.”
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by | March 16, 2015 · 10:10 pm

Virgin train cancelled due to missing smelly poo

branson

Branson promised the train would soon be pulling out of the station.

A Virgin train from Manchester to Euston was cancelled today, after the toilet in one of the carriages was found to be bearable.

The rail operator apologised to passengers but insisted that it was ‘more than their franchise was worth’ to attempt the journey without a foul-smelling pan trout.

“Our staff are trained to inspect the toilets on a regular basis, and deal quickly with anything that looks remotely hygenic”, said PR director Gordon Keeble.

“Unfortunately this train has been the scene of some vigorous flushing, and on this occasion, none of our staff were fully ‘up to the job’.”
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by | March 14, 2015 · 8:00 am

Drone pilot wins Victoria Cross

for valour

Although untraumatised, pilot will need years of occupational therapy.

A drone pilot, battling away in a reasonably comfortable lounge, has become the first remote combatant to achieve the Victoria Cross.

Despite a searing repetitive strain injury and being down to his last 2 bags of pretzels, John Stilgo continued to pour missiles into a deadly Afghanistan orphanage.

“I wasn’t concerned at all for my own safety”, revealed Stilgo. “Instinct took over. I just knew I had to push through if I wanted to beat the squadron’s highest score.”
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by | March 13, 2015 · 7:00 am

‘Sexy spider gave me 4-hour erection’, claims local pervert

spider

Spider ‘gave him the eyes’.

A local deviant has claimed that a spider he found in his kitchen was so sexy, it gave him a 4-hour erection.

Hagrid Evans told us that the arachnid has evolved over thousands of years specifically to ‘give him the horn’, and being a spider, instinctively went for his fly.

“I’ve always been a leg man, and this beauty had eight”, leered Evans. “I could tell I was in love, at least an incy wincy bit.”
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by | March 12, 2015 · 7:00 am

Ocado van spotted on council estate

shit terraces

Driver left traumatised after delivering to neighbour.

There were gasps amongst Harold’s more successful residents yesterday, after an Ocado van was photographed in an area prone to social housing.

The van, later identified as ‘Alan in his Raspberry’, is thought to have contained kumquats in a built-up area.

“I expect more from a company so closely associated with Waitrose”, said cllr Ron Ronsson. “If they’re delivering in these sorts of places, who knows what their vans could pass on?”

Ocado’s head of social engineering, Hermione Cavolo-Nero, apologised for the grave error and promised to have the driver shot.
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