Some buildings are better when they’re empty
The government has arrived at a radical solution to alleviate the council funding crisis. When research confirmed that three out of five councils nationwide will have no money whatsoever by 2015 the decision was made to close London and redistribute its budget across the UK. Continue reading
Yeah you and me we can ride on a star. If you stay with me Dave, we can rule the world. Yeah you and me we can light up the sky. If you stay by my side, we can rule the world…
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Filed under Entertainment
“Yeah, I know people died for my right to vote but I’m comfy.”
Things are looking good for Nigel Farage as Ukip are set to triumph in the European elections on May 22nd. Despite his party attracting significant opposition in the press and across social media it seems that no one who dislikes what Ukip stand for can actually be arsed to vote. Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
More harmful than smoking #FACT
Many of us are being exposed to the Daily Mail unawares a report published today confirms. By not explicitly labelling content from the Daily Mail as reactionary bobbins people are exposed to a harmful cocktail of misogyny, xenophobia and many other shabby things ending in -ist, -ia and -ic. Continue reading
“Try sacking me now, ****ers!”
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“The lies I told about Iraq were this big…”
During his phone-in on LBC today Boris Johnson, a clever man pretending to be a golden retriever pretending to be an idiot, described Tony Blair as an “eel-like customer”. And in doing so lent a fresh dignity to British politics. Continue reading
Not you, Dave. Not you.
Thumbs up for Stephen: https://www.justgiving.com/stephen-sutton-tct
After Clifford and Saville other subjects of Louis Theroux documentaries must be getting a tad uncomfortable…
The UK experienced a slight IQ boost today as media ghoul and convicted sex offender Max Clifford was sentenced to eight years in prison for indecent assault. Without him and his particular brand of tell-all sleaze experts are predicting that the news is going to be a little less stupid until 2022. Continue reading
Filed under breaking news, Entertainment
The patron saint of pub bores
In the wake of film coming to light that shows him using the n-word, Jeremy Clarkson has announced that he is to stand as an MP for Ukip in the Newark by-election.
“We’re delighted,” said Nigel Farage. ‘Ukip was been watching Jeremy’s performance for some time – an ignorant comment about Islam here, a Hitler salute there – and at last he’s met the required standards of racism to represent the party.” Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment, News, Politics
We’re not shallow, we love him for his mind.
George Clooney has made his engagement to human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin official. The actor had long been regarded as the ultimate catch and now he’s no longer available millions of women worldwide are grateful to be able to at last pile on the pounds and go a bit shabby. Continue reading
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Oi, Farage. In the almost words of Lieutenant Ripley: Get away from him, you bitch!
It’s the craze that’s sweeping the nation! Ukip Bingo is fast, furious (about immigrants) and fun! Every time a Ukip councillor or prospective Ukip MEP tweets/says something abominable whip out your free Evening Harold Ukip Bingo card and as the press react and Ukip go on the defensive it’s eyes down for a full house!
It’s new, it’s crazy, and in the run up to the European elections you can play every day! Continue reading
Filed under Politics
No good ever comes from titles that end in exclamation marks. Apart from Westward Ho! We love it there.
The former archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, has told the Evening Harold that Britain is in a “post-Cowell era”. He cited the closure of the X-Factor musical I Can’t Sing after just six weeks in the West End as proof that people no longer believe in Simon Cowell in the great numbers they once did. Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment
A landfill is a depressing image for a Sunday morning so here’s an entirely unrelated picture of somewhere beautiful. We’re not sure where this is but judging by the presence of a mountain we think it’s North Wales.
The Tory party’s integrity has been discovered in a landfill in New Mexico. Long believed to be an urban legend excavators were surprised to find it buried under thousands of tonnes of rubbish. Continue reading
Woo-hoo June strike!
The National Union of Teachers has denied that voting to hold strikes in June has anything to do with either sunshine, football or tennis. Continue reading
Modern Britain.
Elizabeth, Queen of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Head of the Commonwealth, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, and Empress of the Lone Islands is today celebrating her 88th birthday. In honour of the occasion we present the top fifteen facts about her extraordinary life and reign. Continue reading
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Honestly, who seems more real to you? This chap or Kim Kardashian?
Harold academic Professor Monica Simon has launched a stinging attack on Star Wars by saying it is to blame for climate change. Her new book Laugh It Up, Fuzzball: How George Lucas Happily Destroyed Earth claims that the film director has succeeded in brain-washing everyone into “buggering up the planet because they think they can just go to another one.” Continue reading
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After 8 hours of traffic chaos people can finally relax on the beach
As the Easter Getaway causes traffic chaos across the UK this season’s first case of in-car cannibalism has been reported in a tailback on the M5. Continue reading
Jellyfish: apparently the top 1% own more of the sea than the other 99% combined.
The jellyfish who yesterday stung David Cameron as he swam off Arrieta beach in Lanzarote has denied intentionally upsetting him. Continue reading
Filed under News
Or did he? Does this face say honesty and trust to you? We’re not sure.
There is consternation inside Number 10 today as Nigel Farage has finally proved his fitness to play a top flight role in British politics by fiddling his expenses (allegedly) and then adamantly denying that he’s done anything wrong. Continue reading
Filed under Politics
He just wanted credit card details not a 250-page debate on Katie Hopkins
In a cyber-crime first desperate data-thieves are trying to give back the information they’ve stolen. Using the Heartbleed bug a small gang attacked Mumsnet and have been left in tatters by what they saw.
“I’m not a bad person,” said a hacker who would only give their name as X. “All I wanted to do was steal people’s personal information and use it for financial gain I shouldn’t have to be exposed to…to…to that.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Mumsnet attacked by Heartbleed Bug: data-thieves suffering after being exposed to so much bile
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