Author Archives: Max C-F

by Max C-F | June 8, 2015 · 2:36 am

Multimillionaire Kate Moss kicked off easyJet flight for crapping on poor people’s dreams

Kate Moss was yesterday escorted off an easyJet flight from Bodrum to Luton by police on the grounds that she had “no business travelling like a poor.”

Bedfordshire Police confirmed in a statement that Moss, whose wealth is estimated at around fifty-five million pounds, had been taken off the flight and provisionally cautioned under the 2005 It Just Winds People Up When You Slum It Act which is aimed at keeping the insanely wealthy out of spaces normally occupied by the mostly skint. Continue reading →

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Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Easyjet, economy flights, Evening Harold, Kate Moss

by Max C-F | June 7, 2015 · 8:00 am

How will PM point at a fish this year? Nation consumed by suspense

2013: The classic point-with-the-left-wife-on-the-right combination

2014: Mixing it up with a right-hand point and left-hand wife

As the temperature rises and thoughts turn to holidays there is just one question on everyone’s lips: while posing for a chillaxed photo in Cornwall or Ibiza this year, will Dave point at a fish with his left hand or with his right?

“I can’t sleep, I’m so excited,” said Harold Mayor, Rufus D Jackson. “Left or right? Samantha looking bored as hell or Samantha looking disconcertingly submissive? I have to know.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Politics

Tagged as David Cameron, Evening Harold, holiday, points at fish, Samantha Cameron

by Max C-F | June 1, 2015 · 8:05 am

“Oliver Twist scenarios” on city streets: unwary assaulted by relentless musical numbers

The horror! The horror!

Urban life has today taken on a new horror as the anti-slavery commissioner, Kevin Hyland, has warned of children being used in “Oliver Twist scenarios”.

“It was terrifying,” a recent victim told us. “I was innocently walking along the street, turned a corner, and suddenly there were all these dead-eyed stage school kids singing about ‘kerchiefs and considering yourself at home while clutching the brims of their top hats and having a choreographed knees up. I’ve never seen children do anything less spontaneous or so lacking in joy. The adults who make them do this are monsters.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Crime

Tagged as Evening Harold, Kevin Hyland, Oliver Twist scenarios, street crime

by Max C-F | May 30, 2015 · 9:04 am

Amazing scenes as villagers lift bus onto hipster unicyclist

A hipster and his iPod

The village came together as one yesterday evening to rescue itself from a hipster on a unicycle.

“It was rush hour. A busy time on the High Street during which there can be as many as three cars travelling plus a tractor,” PC Flegg told us. “I was on hand to co-ordinate the traffic when I saw this bearded idiot on a unicycle holding everyone up and looking unbelievably pleased with himself. I had no option but to taser him in the face for being an insufferable dick.” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Around Harold

Tagged as Evening Harold, hipster, unicycle

by Max C-F | May 24, 2015 · 7:07 pm

Zombies – thousands of ’em! All video games to be first person survival horrors by 2016

A prayer’s as good as Unity gun on a day like this

After a brief flourish of creativity video game makers have decided to yield to the inevitable and produce nothing but first person survival horror games from now on.

“Makes sense to me” said Gabe Newell, MD of Valve. “Steam’ll be much easier to run when we can lump everything into one category. What am I saying it’s easy to run now, we just let it all happen around us. We’d greenlight a screenshot of an empty plate if we thought someone would pay $9.99 for it.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as Bethesda, Evening Harold, Gaben, Half-Life 3, Peter Molyneux, Steam, Valve

by Max C-F | May 23, 2015 · 5:02 pm

Joyless snobs gearing up for annual sneer at Eurovision

Eurovision: a big glittery rainbow for the soul

Dementors in human form across the globe are getting ready to suck the joy out of Europe’s daftest annual contest.

“Eurovision makes people feel good,” hateful swine Jean Polkinghorne told us. “So I’m making a special effort to be horribly scathing and let everyone who enjoys watching it know that this means they have the emotional IQ of hair gel.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as Boom bang-a-bang, Eurovision Song Contest, Evening Harold

by Max C-F | May 20, 2015 · 2:28 am

Trident to be replaced by Father Ted statue

“Better than a thousand hollow words, are two signs that bring peace” Buddha (sort of)

Defence Secretary Michael Fallon has announced that the plan to replace Trident with £100 billion of alarming death-tech has been scrapped in favour of some statues of Father Ted and Father Dougal holding signs saying “Careful now” and “Down with this sort of thing”.

“These are perfect sentiments for modern Britain,” Mr Fallon told us. “They not only represent a certain quiet firmness and unflappable calm that is British to the core, but the fact they’re Irish and we’re stealing them to use for our own purpose is a very real reflection of how we used to behave towards the entire world in times past, which’ll hopefully deter any potential invaders.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Defence

Tagged as Evening Harold, Father Ted, Michael Fallon, replacement, Trident

by Max C-F | May 18, 2015 · 2:52 am

PM vows to end NHS in seven days

“Why won’t they work longer hours for less money?” wonders the chillaxing multi-millionaire.

David Cameron will today pledge to destroy the world’s first universal health service and guarantee his City chums “armfuls of dosh from privatisation wherever they are and whenever they need it.”

In his first speech since beating Ed Miliband like a red-headed mule in the general election, the Prime Minister will promise that billions of pounds of tax-payers money will be thrust into fat cats hands now and “for every generation of one percenters to come.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Health

Tagged as David Cameron, Evening Harold, NHS, Nye Bevan is spinning in his grave

by Max C-F | May 15, 2015 · 2:25 am

Iain Duncan Smith to be the new voice of Mr Burns

“You’re asking for benefits? Smithers, release the hounds.”

Fears that actor Harry Shearer’s departure from The Simpsons could mean the end of the show have been dispelled following the casting of Iain Duncan Smith as Mr Burns.

“We’re just delighted that Iain’s agreed to come on board,” said Simpson’s creator Matt Groening. “We thought we’d never be able to find someone to convey Mr Burn’s sociopathy as convincingly as Harry did but this IDS guy is even better! We had him read a scene about using the poor for fuel, and sanctioning benefits claimants who use two slices of bread to make a sandwich when one will do, and he knocked it out of the park. The script was ridiculous however he made it sound chillingly real and at the end thanked us for the great ideas. That’s your quirky British humour, right?” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under TV

Tagged as Evening Harold, Harry Shearer, Iain Duncan-Smith, The Simpsons

by Max C-F | May 11, 2015 · 4:11 am

“Screw you foxes!” Badgers delighted to move down a place on Tory hit list

This is what a badger that’s laughing so hard it can’t get up looks like. So now you know.

Badgers across the UK are today dealing with fierce hangovers having spent all weekend celebrating David Cameron’s pledge to repeal the ban on fox hunting.

“It’s not that we hate foxes,” explained Furry Rita, one of the leaders of Harold’s badger community. “It’s more we’re loving not being Tory enemy number one any more. Claws-crossed they’ll even forget to send in the DEFRA death squads this year. Although do come if you fancy your chances, you shooty lowlife’s, we’ve got a surprise for you.” Continue reading →

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Tagged as Badgers, Evening Harold, fox hunting, hunting ban, Tories

by Max C-F | May 8, 2015 · 11:00 am

IDS joy: “five more years to kill”

Iain and Iain looked at the election results and saw that they were very good

Emerging from the cupboard he’s been locked in throughout the election campaign Iain Duncan Smith has declared himself anxious to return to his “great project”.
“During the last Parliament I declared that anyone could live on £7 a day,” he said. “I reckon I can get that down to at least two quid before I’m done.”

Continue reading →

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Filed under Politics

Tagged as Atos, Evening Harold, Iain Duncan-Smith

by Max C-F | May 1, 2015 · 7:07 am

Jaded nation begs for election to be induced

Even our pets have run out of rats arses to give

Unable to take the endless speculation and media blah a moment longer voters in the UK are begging for the general election to be induced.

“It’s really doing my head in,” said villager Janet Holmes. “There’s no escaping the constant guessing about what the next government will be and what name the Prime Minister will have. Who cares? There’s been governments before, this one’s got less novelty value than a packet of everyday value sliced ham. I hope the new government is healthy, of course I do, but beyond that I don’t give a toss. I wish they’d induce it today and be done with it.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Election 2015

Tagged as election, Evening Harold, we cannae take it anymore cap'n

by Max C-F | April 29, 2015 · 6:42 am

Nigel Farage seeks endorsement from Alf Garnett

He’s got 9.5 million followers on Twitter, you know…oh, wait, we’re getting confused.

Following yesterday’s snuggle-up between Ed Miliband and Russell Brand, Nigel Farage has met with a celebrity more in tune with Ukip’s policies and had a sit down with Alf Garnett.

“Alf is a wonderful man,” Farage told reporters after their meeting. “He’s of good white working-class stock and a true patriot. He told me that he understands what Ukip is trying to do and supports us whole-heartedly.” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Election 2015

Tagged as Alf Garnett, Ed Miliband, Evening Harold, nigel farage, Russell Brand, UKIP

by Max C-F | April 21, 2015 · 4:53 am

Get your tits in for the girls: shirtless men ordered to stop wandering streets

Shirtless blokes, this is not what you look like

The village council has passed a new law ordering men to cover-up when mooching around during the heatwave on account of no one wanting to be confronted by shirtless horror while innocently trying to do a little shopping.

“The High Street isn’t the beach,” said Mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “And the garden of the Squirrel Lickers is not the gym. Villagers have the right to be about their business without having moobs, scrawn, fur, horrible tattoos, spots, and distressing combinations of all five shoved in their faces with all the force and grotesqueness of Katie Hopkins’ opinion on migrants crossing the Med.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Around Harold, Weather

Tagged as cover up, Evening Harold, heatwave, shirtless men

by Max C-F | · 12:05 am

African people: a pictorial guide

What Katie Hopkins thinks they are:

What Nigel Farage thinks they are: Continue reading →

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Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as africa, Evening Harold, Katie Hopkins, nigel farage

by Max C-F | April 15, 2015 · 8:10 pm

“We’ll give the Tories a heart and Labour a brain”: Lib Dems in shocking journey to Oz

There’s no denyin’ he’s just a dandylion

The launch of the Liberal Democrat manifesto ended in chaos earlier today when Nick Clegg revealed that he believes himself to be running for office not in England but in Oz.

Looking fetching in a lion costume Clegg said that the Lib Dems should be part of a new coalition government as they would “add a heart to a Conservative government and add a brain to a Labour one“. Continue reading →

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Filed under Election 2015, Politics

Tagged as Atos, Bedroom tax, Evening Harold, lib dems, massive bastards, Nick Clegg

by Max C-F | · 8:52 am

All guns no butter: Ukip’s manifesto believes in 1950s Britain

The good old days, apparently.

Ukip will give the nation a bloody good laugh today by launching a manifesto that’s as up-to-date as an episode of Dad’s Army. Relying heavily on the banhammer it, of course, would ban UK involvement in European politics but also ban the Department of Energy and Climate Change, green subsidies and the Department for Culture Media and Sport because these are complicated and Ukip basically just likes tanks. Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Election 2015, Politics

Tagged as Evening Harold, nigel farage, they're not racist but..., Ukip manifesto

by Max C-F | April 14, 2015 · 4:48 am

Tories deny new ghetto creation policy will create ghettos

article-1191155-053BAE3E000005DC-973_468x362

David Cameron’s kids are growing up here…

…yours can grow up here.

David Cameron will today announce that the millions of people renting privately who have no chance of buying their own home can go **** themselves as the Tories plan on extending the right to buy and selling off 1.3 million housing association properties at a huge discount. Continue reading →

2 Comments

Filed under Election 2015, Politics

Tagged as David Cameron, Evening Harold, housing, sell off, Tory manifesto

by Max C-F | April 2, 2015 · 3:32 pm

Fire raging under London will continue until Jeremy Clarkson is back on Top Gear, says God

London: tomorrow. Thanks liberal, SJW Guardianistas, thanks a lot.

A surprising source for the fire currently raging under central London has been revealed – God.

“In the BBC I am not well pleased,” the Supreme Being told us. “For, lo, I did most heartily love chilling out on Sunday nights and watching Jezza, Hamster and Captain Slow. Not a Holy Trinity but a wholly amusing one.” Continue reading →

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Tagged as BBC, Evening Harold, fire, Holborn, Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear

by Max C-F | March 31, 2015 · 1:51 pm

Facebook to pay all users a basic minimum wage

Simultaneously using two Facebook accounts on two separate devices: slacker

Facebook has announced that it will pay its 1.39 billion users a basic minimum wage from now on in acknowledgement of the fact that their current business model is starting to look too much like slavery. Continue reading →

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Filed under Technology

Tagged as DNA. Evening Harold, Facebook, minimum wage, privacy

Author Archives: Max C-F

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