Urban life has today taken on a new horror as the anti-slavery commissioner, Kevin Hyland, has warned of children being used in “Oliver Twist scenarios”.
“It was terrifying,” a recent victim told us. “I was innocently walking along the street, turned a corner, and suddenly there were all these dead-eyed stage school kids singing about ‘kerchiefs and considering yourself at home while clutching the brims of their top hats and having a choreographed knees up. I’ve never seen children do anything less spontaneous or so lacking in joy. The adults who make them do this are monsters.”
“I headed to the nearest pub to get a beer to take the edge off but couldn’t get in due to another gang launching into a foot-tapping oom-pah tune followed by a lovable prostitute being rather inappropriately beaten to death.”
Kevin Hyland’s office told us their boss was unavailable for comment as he’s busy working on a more apt description for a very serious situation that won’t this time sound both victimless and silly.