Defence Secretary Michael Fallon has announced that the plan to replace Trident with £100 billion of alarming death-tech has been scrapped in favour of some statues of Father Ted and Father Dougal holding signs saying “Careful now” and “Down with this sort of thing”.
“These are perfect sentiments for modern Britain,” Mr Fallon told us. “They not only represent a certain quiet firmness and unflappable calm that is British to the core, but the fact they’re Irish and we’re stealing them to use for our own purpose is a very real reflection of how we used to behave towards the entire world in times past, which’ll hopefully deter any potential invaders.”
“And let’s face it two priests and a bit of cardboard are about all the firepower we’re allowed to wield independently. Might as well be honest and save ourselves a few quid.”
The statues will be placed at strategic locations to face anyone who hates this country. Accordingly most will be pointing towards the sea although several will be deployed outside the offices of the Daily Mail.