Author Archives: Perks

Scientists discover what makes suited men always put one hand in their pockets

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After an eight year study costing £3m, scientists in Harold say they have discovered the fundamental physics behind the forces that attract a suited man’s hands straight into his pocket.

Looking into the phenomenon, lead researcher Henry Slater said: “The forces that act on men’s hands seem to be totally indiscriminate affecting everyone from Prince Charles at the state opening of parliament in Westminster through to Barry from the pub opening a bottle of Carlsberg at his best mate’s wedding.

“Put a jacket on him and his hand will go through the arm, out of the sleeve, straight into a trouser pocket.

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Filed under Fashion, Society

Labour to re-nationalise buffet cars

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Labour leader Ed Miliband has announced his plans to re-nationalise parts of the rail network’s buffet cars. In an attempt to bring some price controls into the market he has said any government run buffet cars would have a price cap on egg mayo sandwiches.

“We need to put to an end the unreliable service that sees passengers paying over the odds for a cup of scalding hot instant coffee that ends up of the train floor and the passenger’s lap,” Miliband said.

“We need to bring the standard of train food to the same level as other government run institutions such as the NHS and Schools, but it’s not all bad news.
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Cheryl Cole releases details of her secret publicity stunt

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Cheryl Cole has taken to her website to reveal details of her secret publicity stunt. The stunt took place 7 days ago, but the lack of mainstream coverage forced her to reveal the details herself to “stop the constant speculation about [her] private life, should that constant speculation that isn’t happening, happen”.

In an interview with herself she explained: “I know what it is like being in the limelight, even if it’s been a while since I was. If I’m honest, when Jean-Bernard and I decided we were going to have a publicity stunt we were hoping our special day would caught on camera by the paparazzi.
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Filed under breaking news, Entertainment, News

Prince Charles joins Lord Carey in backing assisted dying

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Prince Charles has joined former Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey in giving his backing legislation that will allow the family of terminally ill people to assist them in dying.

“Take my own mother” he pleaded with doctors, before explaining his position further.

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Filed under News, Politics, Royals

Committee finds Vince Cable sold his soul too cheaply

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A committee of MPs has published a report today that suggests Vince Cable sold his soul too cheaply.

They have said Mr Cable, along with other Liberal Democrats, panicked, selling their souls, morals and ethics for the measly price of an unwinnable AV referendum all to secure a quick coalition.

Mr Cable’s soul and morals were originally valued at free tuition fees and a £2m mansion tax, however he sold them off for a promise of a public vote and a bit of power.
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Cameron admits: “Legalised government phone hacking Coulson’s idea”.

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Prime minister David Cameron has held a news conference to explain the extra powers given to government to check phone and email records were originally suggested by former News Of The World editor, Tory advisor and now tenant of Her Majesty Andy Coulson.

Speaking to a packed room, Cameron said: “Andy told me some of the gossip available from people’s personal phone records. It’s that kind of knowledge that allowed me to convince Nick Clegg to renege on all his election promises.

“But for the sake of national security it will also be used for serious issues relating to terrorism. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is unlikely to try and bring Isis to the UK when we release his pathetically low Angry Birds score.”

Speaking from his cell, Coulson said he is glad his skills and ideas are finally being realised. “My background at the News Of The World allowed me to spend my time inside Downing Street training MI5 to get the personal details they needed from a phone. They are also now fully trained in sleeping with their boss without being caught, but I’ll admit that won’t help the war in terror.

“Hopefully they will now use some of my other ideas such as a sports section at the end of Prime Minister’s Questions and empowering women by making the Queen topless on the new £5 note.”

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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics

Tightened airport security sees iPhones confiscated as users fail to show battery works

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A record number of iPhones have been seized and destroyed at airport security since passengers have been asked to prove the batteries work.

“We are finding a lot of them aren’t able to turn on. The users trying to board with the device are making up a number of excuses,” a security guard at Luton Airport told us.

“We have had some claiming they drained the batteries checking Facebook twice, and others saying the batteries died as they kept checking the time to see how far into the six-hour delay they were.”

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Filed under International News, Law and Order, News, Travel

Ed Miliband becomes latest Labour member refusing to back leader, Ed Miliband

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Ed Miliband has become the latest high-profile member of the Labour Party to refuse to back its leader, Ed Miliband.

“People want a leader they can trust to make the big decisions and be decisive in their implementation,” Mr Miliband wrote on twitter, on the understanding his followers would keep it a secret.

“I struggle to chose what tie to wear for the day. That’s why I have a tie advisor and carry spares in my pocket in case I change my mind.

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Court upholds ban on religious headwear – rioters balaclavas still Ok.

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The European Court of Human Rights has upheld France’s ban on women wearing a veil or other full far covering for religious reasons, but say you can still cover your face for rioting reasons.

“Although they may wish to cover up for their religious beliefs and for their personal views on modesty, it is a more important human right that the far-right in France can see the Muslim they are hating,” the judge at the court said.

“However if these women still insist on covering up, then they need to join the likes of the EDL, Golden Dawn, and France’s National Front and exercise their right to don a full face balaclava to avoid being identified when setting fire to a mosque.”

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Filed under International News, News, Religion

Facebook’s secret experiment finds friends’ negative posts make us feel better about ourselves

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Facebook has revealed it’s secret experiments on users’ news feeds failed to change their emotions and most people remained smug when reading about a their friends’ misfortunes.

The experiment was designed to see if users seeing negative posts from people on their friends list made them feel more negative themselves, however the opposite seems to be true.

“Seeing my friends post about their boring lives or family arguments always make me feel better about my own life,” one user told us.

“Sometimes it’s like watching an internet version of Jeremy Kyle right their on my phone or PC. You can’t help but feel better about yourself as you scroll through other people’s misery.”

“And a picture of their McDonald’s dinner with the hashtag #nomnom somehow makes my steak taste better.”

They also found that no matter how much they flooded timelines with posts that say what decade you are, what dinosaur you are, or what Cluedo murder you are most likely to commit, most people failed to have any emotional connection to them and generally ‘didn’t give a shit’.

“What we found is people who reply to the depressingly vague ‘why me 🙁 ‘posts with ‘what’s up babe’ ‘I’m here if you want to talk’ and ‘PM me’ aren’t concerned but just fancy a bit of a gossip,” Mark Zuckerberg explained.

“In fact the only time people felt a negative emotional reaction to a post it was quite a dramatic one with severe threats of violence increasing ten-fold when a user gets another bloody request to play Candy Crush Saga.”

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NRA ‘confused’ by Pistorius ‘no mental issues’ decision

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The National Rifle Association have said they are “upset and confused” by the verdict in the Oscar Pistorius trial that says he has “no mental illness”, so shot at his then girlfriend through his own free will.

“As we keep reminding you after every high-profile shooting, only those with serious underlying mental disorders use guns to shoot at other people,” an NRA spokesperson said.
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Filed under breaking news, International News, News

‘One nation Tory’ Paxman perfect for Top Gear say BBC

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After finally admitting he is a ‘one nation Tory’ and that he disagrees with the political leanings of his former bosses, the BBC have announced they are lining Jeremy Paxman up to present Top Gear.

“He is pretty much ready to go,” a spokesperson for the show said. “He’s right-wing, called Jeremy, and already has a sizeable amount of people that dislike him.

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News, Politics

World Cup memorabilia item 423 – Authentic Luis Suarez mask

An exact replica of the one that should have been worn by Luiz Suarez

An exact replica of the one that should have been worn by Luis Suarez

Are you partial to a bit of Italian meat during your football match?

Do you prefer your half-time oranges to be blood oranges?

Are your opponents keen on finishing the game with the same amount of digits as they started with?

Then you need the World Cup edition of the Luis Suarez mask. With enough space for even the most horse-like set of teeth, this mask will give you comfort without the risk of you taking a lump out of someone’s shoulder.

In the colours of the Uruguay national team, this replica is exactly the same specification as the one that should have been worn by the Uruguayan Number 9.

This muli-purpose mask can also be used in conjunction with a straight jacket by radio DJs from the 70s

To order yours, simply call Harold 999-I8U

Warning: Keep children’s fingers away from ventilation holes. May contain someone who is nuts 

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Filed under News, Sport, Uncategorized

Coulson offered job as Tory ‘prisons advisor’.

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David Cameron has announced that with immediate effect he will be making Andy Coulson the Conservative’s prison advisor. Andy Coulson was advised of his new role through his lawyers voicemail.

“As with all advisory roles, I like to have someone on the inside,” Mr Cameron told reporters.
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Jeremy Hunt unveils plan to save NHS: ‘Can you lot stop using it?’

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Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has said he has found the answer to all of the NHS’s problem and has asked for the public’s help in fixing it.

“Stop using the bloody NHS” Mr Hunt pleaded in a press conference to announce his plans.

“Every time we sort a problem out, patients decide they need to use the service putting pressure on it and making us go backwards.
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Crackdown on wannabe Syria fighters makes first high-profile arrest. PM in custody

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MI5 have started a government-backed crackdown on any UK citizen wishing to go to Syria to fight in the war against the Assad regime by launching a dawn raid at an address in Central London and arresting prime minister David Cameron.

“We have been looking through footage of our suspect talking of sending more fighters into region than any jihadist could hope to recruit,” MI5 head Andrew Parker said.

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Filed under Defence, International News, Law and Order, News, Politics

Miliband to create a more educated and skilled unemployed

20140619-162447-59087849.jpgEd Miliband has announced Labour’s plans for welfare reform should they get into government at the general election.

Concentrating on those claiming Jobseekers Allowance he has promised Britain will have the most skilled and educated unemployed in Europe.
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Now forced marriage illegal, Clegg searches for another excuse to be a Tory

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With laws coming into effect today making forced marriage illegal, Nick Clegg has found himself desperately searching for other excuses to remain a Tory after the next election.

“It seems he will no longer be able to use the ‘they made me do it’ card,” the BBC’s Nick Robinson explained.

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‘People who sleep have higher mortality rate’ research finds

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Researchers from Dunstable University have released the findings of a study that shows people who regularly sleep at some point during a 24 hour period have a high rate of mortality, with the chances of dying at some point as high as a 100%.

The government backed study, which lasted 20 years and cost £50m, followed a sample group of 5000 people. 3500 people died during the study and 100% of them regularly had some sleep over the course of a day. However Prof Edwards who led the study said for the survivors the future doesn’t look bright.

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Filed under Health, News

JK Rowling suggests wrapping Britain in a ‘more adult cover’ to broaden appeal

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Harry Potter author and marketing expert JK Rowling has said she intends to help the ‘Better Together’ campaign appeal to a broader range of people by wrapping it in a more adult wrapper.

“The trouble with the Yes campaign is they are looking at Britain as having an immature, childish and petty veneer,” Rowling explained.

“But if we wrap it a sleeker, more adult looking cover they may just get it.

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