Author Archives: dvo

Leon Brittan to chair historical child abuse Inquiry

Leon Brittan retraces his steps hunting for the missing dossier “I’m sure I walked down this road.”

Having almost run out of idiots willing to chair the government’s child abuse inquiry, Theresa May has called in a favour from a semi-retired politician; all-time Spitting Image favourite Leon Brittan, who agreed to take on the role.

“Everybody else we’d asked knew Leon to some extent.” mumbled the gaffe-prone Home Secretary, through the red shoes stuck in her mouth,

Brittan never liked this Spitting Image puppet

Brittan never liked this Spitting Image puppet

“So I’ve cut out the middle-women and gone to the one man who probably knows what happened to the dossier he was given when he had this job”.

“We do know the papers were shredded, moulded into a papier-mache dunce’s hat and then fed to a herd of Longhorn Highland Cattle. But after that the trail went strangely cold”.

“We’ve not given up hope of finding it though” added Mrs May “if we can just trawl through enough old bull-shit.”

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

60 deaths from legal highs in 2013 “may not include alcohol & tobacco”

"Trust me, I'm the Home Secretary."

“Trust me. I’m the Home Secretary, I know what I’m doing.”

Deaths from mood-altering-yet-legal substances remain stubbornly stuck down in double figures, according to a new Home Office report.

Home Secretary Theresa May wrote the foreword but denies some of its apparent support for decriminalising drugs, or indeed having read her own department’s report.

“It was a Home Office report on drugs,” carped Mrs May “why would I bother to read it? Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Drugs, Law and Order, News

Robbie Williams manages to make childbirth more painful

'Robbie Williams shared photos and videos of himself and Ayda Field in the delivery suite.'

Actually, yes. It is all about me. It always is.

Robbie Williams tried to distract his wife Ayda from her recent  labour pains, with a spirited rendition of his hit song ‘Candy’ whilst she was in the maternity suite. “It was difficult to tell if it was working, because she usually whimpers when I’m performing.” said Williams.

The celebrity couple’s second child made a much-delayed appearance at Dunstable Royal Infirmary maternity unit as nurse Ærndís Vigfusson explained. “We’d already seen the baby’s head. But when Mr Williams started prancing about, the wee mite crawled back up the birth canal.
We had to coax him back out with some jelly tots and an exclusive contract with ‘Hello’ magazine.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, music, News

HS3 will give northerners the opportunity of not finding work right across the north of England

The North. That way, isn't it?

The North. That way, isn’t it?

David Cameron welcomed plans for HS3 this afternoon, after reading at least three pages of a report by HS2’s Sir David Higgins over luncheon.

“It’s much easier to plan than to implement,” said the PM “so I’m grateful for Sir David’s searching analysis with all its potential for shuffling that £1.7b Euro-Invoice onto page two … err … for linking up the great centres of northern unemployment … err … Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics, Transport

‘Lock up your kids’ a promise not a warning says Grayling

ccatcherLarge

Don’t worry, they won’t be your kids, or those of your friends. Their parents probably shop in Lidl.

Chris Grayling has defended his latest blundering about in the criminal justice system, building children’s super-prisons, pointing out that they will always be for other people’s kids so nice people like you haven’t got anything to worry about.

Like Mr Graylings other initiatives, this one is soundly based on European research; his gardeners are all from Turkey and agreed the idea seemed good when it was explained to them in the greenhouse last Thursday. Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics, Uncategorized

Nation divided over who is disliked more as John Humphrys interviews Johny Rotten

This isn't going to gowell

“Don’t be a pr*ck all your life John”

Radio 4 listeners were left confused this morning about who they disliked more, after BBC’s chief-hectorer John Humphrys interviewed famously loud-mouthed former Sex Pistols ‘singer’ John Lydon (aka Johny Rotten).

St Mary’s Teaching assistant Carly Jeffery spoke for many in Harold today.

“I try to listen to the ‘Today’ programme, especially if John Humphrys is on. His wonderfully sneering voice gets me proper fired up for the school day. When I heard that oaf John Lydon was going to be on, I knew it’d be lively and phoned in sick so I wouldn’t miss it. You won’t print any of this stuff will you?”

As anticipated, the interview was heavily edited before transmission but the Evening Harold has seen a small section of the transcript. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Entertainment, News, Uncategorized

Theresa May’s crackdown on poisonous organisations won’t include Daily Mail

Home Secretary outlines her get-tough policy for most people “Then, if I think they look a bit iffy, I grab them by the balls…”

New anti-extremist measures announced yesterday, targeting people and groups who “stay just within the law but spread poisonous hatred”, were described as draconian by some who might fall foul of legislation: Peter Hitchens, Richard Littlejohn, Melanie Phillips and Paul Dacre.

Although a future Conservative government would ban most extremist groups, hurried negotiations yesterday afternoon with Daily Mail owner Lord Rothermere mean the self-styled ‘newspaper’ will be exempt, due to its “unique contribution” to the cultural life of the country.

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Filed under Culture, News, Politics, Uncategorized

Respected willie-waver resigns over ‘Tory MP’ slur

Phew, it's a microphone

Brooks practices performing with a life-size microphone

Essex internet sensation Brooks Newmark has resigned, after reports that he is secretly a Tory MP were published in the Sunday Mirror.

Newmark was innocently pursuing his hobby of exchanging photographs of his genitalia, with what he believed to be a fellow todger enthusiast. Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Politics, Tory sex scandal

Cameron launches ‘whole-house subsidy’ for Young Conservatives

No, subsidies are for rich people. Don't you have any shares you can sell?

Cameron and IDS explain how housing policy works, to a person with little money. “Hmm, subsidies aren’t really for poor people. Are you sure you have no shares you can sell?”

David Cameron has announced that a new Tory Government would build 100,000 new houses, to be sold at 20% under market value to first time buyers under 40.

“But they must be hard working people, this will be no something-for-nothing handout for lazy or even moderately well performing people” said the man who’s had everything in life presented to him on a silver salver, Continue reading

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Filed under Housing, News, Politics

Ecclestone: F1 radio ‘topic ban’ includes politics and religion

'You're breaking up' Bernie solves the Hamilton/Rosberg feud mid-race

‘Sorry, you’re breaking up.’ Bernie resolves  Hamilton/Rosberg feud mid-race

Bernie Ecclestone says prohibitions in F1 pit-to-car radio have similarities with polite dinner protocols.

“As well as politics & religion” explained the mini-mogul “we’re excluding scottish independence, sexual innuendo and your wife’s even-younger sister.” Continue reading

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Filed under Motoring, News, Sport, Technology

“Breathing linked to cancer!” says Daily Mail

 

All these stiffs were breathing before they died.

Look! All theses stiffs were breathing before they died

In a major longitudinal study, first revealed rather breathlessly in the Daily Mail, researchers at Dunstable Royal Infirmary have identified breathing as a key factor linked to cancer and eventual death.

The project’s leader and Harold’s very own GP Dr Clive Evans, explained the breakthrough. “Until recently we’d focussed on dead patients, who generally weren’t breathing at all. But when we started to monitor live patients, an astonishingly high correlation with breathing suddenly emerged.”

‘Forest’, the right-to-enjoy-a-lingering-death-from-tobacco people, Continue reading

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Filed under Health, News, science

Proton Therapy Centre optimistic Ashya’s family’s finances ‘sufficiently robust to withstand treatment’

No, not your vital signs, it's your stock market performance

No, not your vital signs, it’s your stock market performance

Young brain tumour patient Ashya King has arrived in Prague after flying in from Malaga.

The centre reviewed Malaga hospital documents before Ashya travelled but need to see bank statements before determining his suitability for treatment.

Mr King is due to meet doctors at the Proton Therapy Centre to discuss options. A spokesman explained that their specialist intervention is not suitable for everyone, particularly poor people Continue reading

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Filed under Health, Media, Medicine, News

Judge wearing a wig and tights criticises lawyer’s ‘ridiculous clothing’

'I'm not wearing pants'

The hanging Judge: “I’m not wearing any pants”

A furious judge, resplendent in silver-buckled patent leather shoes, gave a lawyer a public dressing down yesterday, for looking like ‘something out of Harry Potter’.

Brushing specks of imaginary dust from his frilly white ruff, Judge Davd Wynn Morgan tore into solicitor-advocate Alan Blacker, who had sewn ribbons and St John Ambulance medals onto his robes.

“If you want to look like something out of Harry Potter, don’t come into my court again” sneered Judge Morgan, tugging down on his black tights Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News

Police upset to discover new Code of Conduct isn’t a colour code

 

"Not  the Code we were expecting"

Handy guide for Police stop & search decisions

The Police Federation has rowed back on its welcome for the stop & search Code of Conduct, which at first they’d mistakenly taken to be a ‘colour code’.

“To say we’re disappointed would be an understatement” said spokesperson John Bigot

“We’d even had a batch of Dulux-type colour charts made for new officers, to take the guesswork out of their racism until they’re up to speed.”

A suspicion that a citizen might not have generations of English born ancestors, dating back to 1066, will no longer be sufficient to justify Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, Police

Crime commissioner: 10% turn out ‘a vote of confidence’ says Theresa May

If you're going to lie, make it this big

‘If you’re going to tell a lie, make it this big.’

Theresa May has welcomed the news that 10% of the electorate voted in the West Midlands Police & Crime Commissioner by-election.

“Brilliant news. This shows how happy people are with the system I made up. Otherwise they wouldn’t have stayed indoors watching Eastenders, but turned out to vote.”

Mrs May explained exactly why crime figures have been falling steadily for many years both at home and right across western Europe.

“Since 1995, crime in England and Wales has fallen by nearly 60%, which I am linking directly to my having introduced PCCs in 2012. Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Law and Order, Politics

Family-friendly policies. Cameron explains “I meant bankers’ families”

cameronpointing

“Yes, you on the right with the big wallet. Did you have a question for me?”

David Cameron has clarified that it’s Tory supporters’ and city bankers’ families will most benefit from any future Government policies.

“I thought it best to make that clear, far enough ahead of the election for other people to forget it.”

Hundreds of thousands of households are causing a serious drain on public resources with ‘off the barometer’ dysfunctional behaviour, says Cameron.

The PM today announced a significant amendments to the Troubled Families programme, initially set up to help 120,000 seriously troubled families.

“We found money raised by hard-working taxpayers was propping up lazy, feckless idiots who were never going to vote Conservative anyway, however much we gave them. We’re now cutting out all that stuff.”

According to respected social commentator, Richard Littlejohn, Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Election 2015, News, Politics

Justice Minister: ‘will go to prison’ to oppose prisoner votes if necessary.

grayling

Can anyone else see A Big Cock?

Politicians with an eye on newspaper headlines are appalled by yet another European Court of Human Rights ruling today, that the UK breached prisoners’ rights by unlawfully refusing to give them the vote.

“Sod them,” said Minister of Justice, Chris Grayling in a typical outburst that has seen him labelled thoughtful and honest by no one ever. “We’re removing health benefits from prisoners’ families next.”

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Filed under Europe, Law and Order, Nature, News, Politics

Unexpected ‘Situation Vacant’ in UK cabinet

warsi

“I didn’t get here today by … err how did I get here?”

Applications are invited for an exciting position right at the centre of government policy making.

Not enough to do in your own life? ‘Sort of’ interested in politics?

Always wanted to boss other people about? Maybe even a whole country?

Maybe you’re a failed parliamentary candidate, wanting to cut through all that red tape of actually winning an election Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics

House of Lords overcrowding ‘due to too many mild winters’

The eyes have had it.

The eyes have had it.

Recent mild winters have been blamed for parliament’s upper house roll-call remaining stubbornly complete.

“Unless we get a severe cold snap, it may not be easy to lever in everyone who’s bought a peerage” said worried Tory Treasurer Lord Fink “so the PM will check long-range weather forecasts before making his final decision on numbers.”

After the Fred Goodwin scandal, big-money party donors saw that knighthoods could be lost for trifling matters, such as misplacing billions of pounds, and were more willing to stump up the extra for the guaranteed security of a peerage. Continue reading

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Filed under ice, Politics, Weather

Clegg reshuffles deckchairs on RMS Libtanic

costaconcordia

Or maybe re-brand it as a submarine?

Disappointed salvage workers say the wrecked former-radical political party, the good ship ‘Liberal Democrats’, remains firmly glued to the sea-bed, on which it’s been resting for four years.

The enormous sunken turd – target of one of the biggest political salvage operations in history – is only just registering a pulse in the opinion polls.

Senior LibDems still believe that re-shuffling the deckchairs and the bags of wind already on board Continue reading

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Filed under Politics