” Am I pleased to see you or is that an extra leg in my trousers?”
Veteran entertainer Rolf Harris was jailed today after being found guilty of “shocking child abuse” by having his only daughter named Bindi.
In sentencing the children’s entertainer, Mr Justice Sweeney said ”Your vile actions cannot be defended. Why couldn’t you have given your child a normal name such as Janet, Susan or even Justice?”
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Filed under Crime, News, Showbusiness
Facebook has revealed it’s secret experiments on users’ news feeds failed to change their emotions and most people remained smug when reading about a their friends’ misfortunes.
The experiment was designed to see if users seeing negative posts from people on their friends list made them feel more negative themselves, however the opposite seems to be true.
“Seeing my friends post about their boring lives or family arguments always make me feel better about my own life,” one user told us.
“Sometimes it’s like watching an internet version of Jeremy Kyle right their on my phone or PC. You can’t help but feel better about yourself as you scroll through other people’s misery.”
“And a picture of their McDonald’s dinner with the hashtag #nomnom somehow makes my steak taste better.”
They also found that no matter how much they flooded timelines with posts that say what decade you are, what dinosaur you are, or what Cluedo murder you are most likely to commit, most people failed to have any emotional connection to them and generally ‘didn’t give a shit’.
“What we found is people who reply to the depressingly vague ‘why me 🙁 ‘posts with ‘what’s up babe’ ‘I’m here if you want to talk’ and ‘PM me’ aren’t concerned but just fancy a bit of a gossip,” Mark Zuckerberg explained.
“In fact the only time people felt a negative emotional reaction to a post it was quite a dramatic one with severe threats of violence increasing ten-fold when a user gets another bloody request to play Candy Crush Saga.”
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Filed under News, Social media
The National Rifle Association have said they are “upset and confused” by the verdict in the Oscar Pistorius trial that says he has “no mental illness”, so shot at his then girlfriend through his own free will.
“As we keep reminding you after every high-profile shooting, only those with serious underlying mental disorders use guns to shoot at other people,” an NRA spokesperson said.
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Filed under breaking news, International News, News
Free anarchy T-shirt with every edamame bean salad.
Thousands of citizens have enjoyed a weekend of government-approved anarchy, claimed Britain’s propaganda machine, the BBC.
Rebellious festival-goers paid £215 each to make a stand against the Status Quo, one of the few geriatric groups not performing this year.
“I love the chance to express my individualism by phoning up and buying a ticket when the media tells me to”, said a defiant-looking Nigel Farquar-Smitherington.
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Today marks the start of Ramadan in Britain. To celebrate we present our Top Ten Ramadan Facts and some cartoons. Except there’s no cartoons, for obvious reasons.
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Filed under Religion
After a disappointing World Cup, lovers of football violence finally have something to cheer about as it emerged that a fan bit another fan’s ear off during the England – Uruguay match.
“It’s really pleasing we’ve shown the world England can still mix with the best when it comes to mindless thuggery” said Millwall fan Gavin Mitchell. “We invented football violence and this incident shows it is still part of our DNA.”
“I mean take that Suarez bite – it was more of a kiss if you ask me. And that Italian was annoying him by, um, being Italian so biting him really was nothing special – even a tennis fan would do it.”
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Filed under Sport
After finally admitting he is a ‘one nation Tory’ and that he disagrees with the political leanings of his former bosses, the BBC have announced they are lining Jeremy Paxman up to present Top Gear.
“He is pretty much ready to go,” a spokesperson for the show said. “He’s right-wing, called Jeremy, and already has a sizeable amount of people that dislike him.
The officially approved NHS logo
The Health Secretary confirmed that the Government is to publish the dossier which details every blunder currently possible under the National Health Service.
Speaking in Parliament, Jeremy Hunt confirmed that the publication of the so called “Catalogue of Errors” will enable patients to choose which bungle they would prefer in the probable likelihood of an error taking place. Continue reading
Neanderthal man: hunter gathering no excuse for bad skin.
Just days after the revelation that neanderthals ate salad, archeologists have unearthed an ancient hemp bag full of male vanity products.
The shoulder bag features exquisite stitching on the shoulder strap and a pouch for some tweezers. The team think the items inside were used for daily rituals, and may give clues as to how our ancestors died out.
“These people obviously took male grooming seriously”, said researcher Karl Fronzt. “We found this in an area with a high density of discarded woolen swabs and an earthenware pot full of chlorine.”
“That points to a highly evolved society that wasn’t afraid to suffer for beauty. It’s clear to me that this area was used for anal bleaching.”
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Much better
Harold inventors John Goody and Rachel Guest are to receive the village’s highest award for innovation following the massive success of their latest product. Their See Savile No More glasses have sold out and pre-orders taken for dozens more pairs. Continue reading
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Filed under News
Neighbour also left a lot of clutter laying about.
A woman in Harold has slammed the government for creating the sort of uncaring society where a neighbour could lay dead for several years without being noticed.
Doris Kettle was clearly irritated by the disruption caused by fumigators and a team of police forensic scientists.
“It’s been nothing but trouble living here. Shortly after we arrived there was a weird bumping and clattering sound; then our Fred said he kept hearing a moaning, ghostly voice saying “I’ve had a fall and broken my leg, whoooohooo please call an ambulance …whooohooo.
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Filed under Around Harold, charity, Society
Natural, healthy, tedious.
With the government advising parents to only allow their children to drink water, Harold Councillor Ron Ronsson has come up with a delicious way of livening up this boring drink:
“Canned drinks can be bad for you, which is why I only give my children water. But if your kids are like mine, then they’re fussy as well as fat: why not follow my simple recipe to help you ‘fancy it up’ a bit?”
“And that’s it! I always insist my urchins brush their teeth immediately after, or at least once they’ve slept some of it off. And what do they need to rinse the toothpaste out of their mouths? You guessed it! More of my delicious ‘Ronsson Water’!”
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Filed under Around Harold, Food, Health, Lifestyle
Apparently the exact shade is called mendacity
Though declared not guilty on all counts by a jury many people are struggling to believe Rebekah Brook’s innocence. The reason given in every case is the same: her hair.
“I don’t like to judge by appearance,” said villager and head of Harold’s Neighbourhood Watch Janice Logan. ‘However there’s something about that woman’s hair that just rubs me up the wrong way. I’ve seen Brave, the girl in that had the same hair and she was a most violent and deceitful person.” Continue reading
More and more of us are basing our dimensions on seals then not even bothering to go swimming.
A village initiative to address the obesity crisis was yesterday marred by violence.
“People are too damn fat,” said Harold mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “And the more fat people there are the more it looks normal. Being so fat you could be melted down and used to remake all four of the Beatles is not normal.” Continue reading
Filed under Health
Fake lawyer worked for some right counts.
People who fell foul of Wonga’s badly made, fake lawyers are already fabricating their own interest rates for compensation.
Not content with using fake old people as well as a forged moral compass, Wonga avoided paying for real legal representation by using a sock puppet with two blood-sucking fangs.
Pippa Delaney from Harold has yet to settle on the final settlement figure.
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Filed under breaking news, Business, Law and Order
The English football team’s quest to return home from Brazil is in tatters after the team failed to clear Customs.
Pre-flight expectations were high with most fans expecting England to progress to the prestigious immigration queue stage, and some dared to dream the team would board the flight and make it all the way home.
But the Customs fiasco had the press and fans question whether England can actually compete with the best on the international travel stage.
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Filed under Sport
Kim settles down at the Rovers.
The Queen of Reality TV, Kim Kardashian, is reported to have accepted a role on Coronation Street; television’s longest running soap opera.
According to insiders, scenes have already been filmed in which curvaceous Kim, 33, has been cast as a barmaid and distraction for Steve McDonald, the landlord of the Rovers Return. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, News, Showbusiness
An exact replica of the one that should have been worn by Luis Suarez
Are you partial to a bit of Italian meat during your football match?
Do you prefer your half-time oranges to be blood oranges?
Are your opponents keen on finishing the game with the same amount of digits as they started with?
Then you need the World Cup edition of the Luis Suarez mask. With enough space for even the most horse-like set of teeth, this mask will give you comfort without the risk of you taking a lump out of someone’s shoulder.
In the colours of the Uruguay national team, this replica is exactly the same specification as the one that should have been worn by the Uruguayan Number 9.
This muli-purpose mask can also be used in conjunction with a straight jacket by radio DJs from the 70s
To order yours, simply call Harold 999-I8U
Warning: Keep children’s fingers away from ventilation holes. May contain someone who is nuts
Filed under News, Sport, Uncategorized
David Cameron has announced that with immediate effect he will be making Andy Coulson the Conservative’s prison advisor. Andy Coulson was advised of his new role through his lawyers voicemail.
“As with all advisory roles, I like to have someone on the inside,” Mr Cameron told reporters.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
Some have criticised Jihadist management techniques as ‘crude’.
Islamic insurgents who took over an oil refinery in Iraq are confident they ‘have what it takes’ to run the plant efficiently.
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi addressed his associates, while clutching an AK-47 and a Six Sigma training manual.
“Allah Akbar, change management is great”, said al-Baghdadi. “This new agile way of working will value all partners equally, especially those infidels who have relevant engineering qualifications.”
Al-Baghdadi explained how his first initiative was to introduce a flat management structure. “I did this by entering the boardroom and gunning everyone down, and then leaving the bodies to lay on the floor. It was a frank but constructive meeting, we do not have a blame culture.”
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Filed under Business, International News, Religion
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