Muslims are not bees and other Ramadan facts

Today marks the start of Ramadan in Britain. To celebrate we present our Top Ten Ramadan Facts and some cartoons. Except there’s no cartoons, for obvious reasons.

1. Ramadan marks the anniversary of the Qur’an being revealed to the Prophet Muhammad. It is a holy month celebrated around the world. Simon Cowell’s 2004 attempt to have a month in which many people celebrated Steve Brookstein failed to have the same enduring appeal.

1. During Ramadan it is forbidden to swear. This presents something of a challenge to those who follow both Islam and the England football team.

2. Muslims are also supposed to refrain from lying for the duration. Despite this a surprising number are still married by the end of the month.

3. This year British Muslims will go a full nineteen hours a day fasting between Suhour and Iftar. Rates of spectacular grumpiness due to hunger are expected to soar across the nation.

4. The Qur’an says that anyone who is ill, going on a long journey or physically unable need not fast. Sadly cakeoholism has yet to be recognised as a real illness causing serious pain for many at this time of year.

5. If you find a Muslim who has wilted while trying to fast and want to help them place them somewhere quiet in a box with holes in it and offer them some clear sugar water. Wait, no, that’s bees.

6. Iftar literally means break fast. Every evening people come together to share and enjoy a meal. All Haroldites are warned that Dunstable Nandos is booked solid for the next month. There’s nothing to stop you roasting and eating a whole chicken to yourself at home but somehow that would seem weird when it doesn’t when you’re there, does it? It is though. It’s weird.

7. Sex is allowed during Ramadan between dusk and dawn. This was the first thing we looked up when writing this. Sad but true (it’s been a while).

8. At the end of Ramadan Muslims celebrate Eid al-Fitr. Anyone saying to their Muslim friends ‘so now you can go out and get pissed, woo-hoo’ really hasn’t been paying enough attention.

9. Every year David Cameron records a special Ramadan message. This is the single most awkward and carefully worded broadcast you will see all year. It makes the Queen’s Speech look like Robin Williams at his best.

Ramadan Mubarak, Muslim Haroldites. Have a lovely month.