After a disappointing World Cup, lovers of football violence finally have something to cheer about as it emerged that a fan bit another fan’s ear off during the England – Uruguay match.
“It’s really pleasing we’ve shown the world England can still mix with the best when it comes to mindless thuggery” said Millwall fan Gavin Mitchell. “We invented football violence and this incident shows it is still part of our DNA.”
“I mean take that Suarez bite – it was more of a kiss if you ask me. And that Italian was annoying him by, um, being Italian so biting him really was nothing special – even a tennis fan would do it.”
“But our fan approached another English fan, one of his own kind not an oily foreigner, and bit off his ENTIRE EAR. It was completely unprovoked and elegantly mindless, the sort of violent attack that will be talked about as long as football violence is perpetrated.”
Mitchell said the incident showed the FA was right to keep faith with manager Roy Hodgson.
“Roy really played his part by skilfully preparing his players to deliver truly mediocre performances thus inciting the fans to greater and greater acts of random violence. I mean that fan will rightly get the credit but to me the bloodied ear could just as easily be dangling from Roy’s mouth.”
The hooligans said they would hold a parade of honour as soon as they as they can locate the ear-biting fan, a Mr Kevin van Gogh.
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