A damning report into the Metropolitan Police has found that London’s black cars are almost twice as likely to be beaten up by crazed policemen than vehicles of any other colour.
In 2015, there were 849 incidents of police brutality involving black or dark-hued automobiles, compared with 450 cases of white cars being damaged in custody.
“These figures show that the streets are just not safe for vehicles of colour,” claimed Albert Renfrew of the activist organisation “Black Cars Matter”.
“Our capital’s motorists face this sort of blatant discrimination every day. Just last week, my local police decided to smash up my own immaculate black Mini, even though it was parked next to a white Skoda with flat tyres, no MOT and a large painting of a policeman with a penis for a head on the bonnet.”
“I don’t think this is a coincidence.”
Not a bell-end, apparently
Londoners have reacted with surprise to the news that their new mayor Sadiq Khan is not an evil, lying corrupt bell-end.
Unlike predecessor Boris Johnson, Khan has immediately given the impression of being a likeable, reasonable man, with little or no inclination to act like a complete arsewipe.
“We have to say we expected the sort of person who would lie about wasting millions of pounds of our money on building a green bridge for his mates,” confessed one Londoner. “Or who display casual racism every day, calling Africans ‘piccaninnies’, that kind of thing.”
Filed under News, Politics
“You don’t need a weatherman…”
David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.
Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.
“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.
Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather
The recall will involve a new electronic component and a bucket of water.
Following a recall to fix unwanted fires, Metropolitan police have apologised for leaving Vauxhall Zafiras near protesters.
Vauxhall are recalling 22,000 of their cars to stop them bursting into flames, a fault that has already made anti-capitalist protesters in London appear more ‘bad-ass’.
“It’s completely unacceptable for the police to ‘petrol bomb’ us in this way”, said Anonymous supporter Brian Halls. “Although the recall also affects diesel models.”
BOOOOOOM!! Have some of that!
Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, emphasised his credentials to lead the country today by bravely battering a 10 year-old Japanese boy to the ground.
During a visit to Japan Johnson fearlessly agreed to take part in a vicious game known as ‘touch rugby’. During this event he warded off an attempted assault by the child, who may be a member of some sort of street gang, using just his bare hands. Continue reading
Enough room to swing a vacuum-packed cat.
London’s rental crisis could be eased, by compressing tenants into tiny bags.
That’s the claim of North Face, the popular survival brand behind a new sack that allows up to 15 people to squeeze into even the smallest stairwell.
Made from a breathable fabric that leaves occupants comfortable even if they soil themselves in the night, the highly sought-after device is already sold out in most desirable postcodes.
Originally designed to make sleeping bags small so they can be carried by scouts and ramblers, engineers discovered they could compress an average-sized human by making the straps just a little thicker.
Drivers undergo exhaustive training.
London’s tube train drivers are marking the tenth anniversary of the day London defiantly got moving again, by defiantly staying in bed.
With a paltry £2.5k bonus and a 2 percent payrise to top up their meagre £50k salary on offer, rail workers claimed it wasn’t enough to stop them treating their customers with utter contempt.
“It’s tradition”, said Terence Cockney, who is employed to sit down near a lever. “We always strike at Christmas, bank holidays or when it causes the most offence.”
London’s airspace has been closed following a power outage at Swanick air traffic control centre. Luckily, Boris Johnson is offering ‘plane replacement’ Boris Bikes.
“It is hard for passengers stranded at Heathrow, Gatwick and City airports,” the Mayor of London bumbled.
With London house prices getting beyond the reach of ordinary people, and affordable properties getting smaller and smaller, one developer has started putting a new range of properties on the market.
Modelled on a snail’s shell, the developer says their new ‘All-In-One Portable Studio Apartment’, named the Escar-Go, has everything a young aspiring professional could need and the homes fit in well with the environment, providing you spend the night in other people’s gardens.
Filed under News, Society
Drivers of diesel cars are to face an extra charge of up to £10 on top of the congestion charge in London to help compensate for the amount of smug they give off.
Environmental groups have welcome the plans saying the amount of smug given of by diesel car drivers when talking about their fuel efficiency is becoming a serious health risk to everyone.
A spokesperson for the Green Party said: “Smug levels in the South East and especially London have always been high, with ‘banker bonus season’ creating a smug cloud so bad it is hard to see the top of Canary Wharf.
Boris Johnson has denied despotism and claimed that the water cannons bought for London are “lovely”.
“They are not, as some people are saying, a sure sign that we Tories fear riots because we’ve screwed the country rigid,” he told journalists outside City Hall. “These cannons are simply a new way for Londoners to keep cool in the heat over the next few months.”
“As Mayor of London I take the health of the people very seriously,” Johnson said. “That’s why the Metropolitan Police now have three water cannons and will be deploying them at moment’s notice if they come across any mobs that look a bit dehydrated.”
“If the mob also look run-down then then I’m hoping Fat Dave’ll sign off on the Met being able to launch a new initiative to help them to get moving in an invigorating healthy manner. But so far he doesn’t seem as keen as I am on rubber bullets.”
Some buildings are better when they’re empty
The government has arrived at a radical solution to alleviate the council funding crisis. When research confirmed that three out of five councils nationwide will have no money whatsoever by 2015 the decision was made to close London and redistribute its budget across the UK. Continue reading
Evaluations by environmental health officers in Westminster have shown that levels of bullshit (BS) have reached dangerously low levels. This has seen concerns for those in the media that feed off the BS, usually from a prime harvesting location outside 10 Downing Street.
The lower than usual levels of BS has been linked to the summer recess in parliament. As with honey production being down due to the lack of bees in the UK, BS production has hit an all time low as MPs pretend to do constituency work from yachts in the Mediterranean Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
In a bid to increase tourism into the village, Harold Tourist Board (HTA) have applied to BAA to have a major airport renamed. With the tradition of airports being named after a place they are nowhere near, the HTA are looking to change a well-known airport to Harold Heathrow.
“We have been looking at ways to increase the amount of foreign visitors coming to the village on holiday” the HTA said in a statement. “Someone suggested building an airport and calling it London Harold, but that would have been far too expensive. Continue reading
Bald men are typically up to 35% more evil
Boris Johnson’s personal approval ratings went into free fall yesterday when his hair announced that it is going solo. Since becoming MP for Henley in 2001, Johnson’s electoral success had mainly been credited to the fact that he looked like a golden retriever that had been groomed and blow-dried by a stoned and embittered conceptual artist who’d never known success. Now his hair has left him to pursue other projects revealing Johnson to be a middle-aged Eton, Oxford, Bullingdon Club toff.
“I don’t know much about politics,” said Harold resident and former Boris fan, Jane Hough. “I haven’t watched it since they sacked Angus Deayton but I always thought that Boris was better than other politicians because he had that mad hair and couldn’t do his jacket up on important occasions. It made him seem like one of us. Now the hair’s gone I’ve realised that he’s just another self-serving Tory.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics