Tag Archives: election

Jeremy Corbyn offers Owen Smith job as Labour Party gimp.

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Taking one for the team.

Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Corby's Corner, Labour, News, Politics, Sex, Tony Blair

BBC to remake the classic 1979 Election Special.

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The atmosphere was electric. Probably all the nylon.

Following the successful remake of 1970’s classics such as The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Poldark and a militant left wing Labour Party, the BBC has announced that it is to reboot the 1979 BBC Election special as a 10 part serial. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, Lifestyle, News, Nostalgia, Politics, Showbusiness

Guy Martin favourite to present Labour Party

guy martin

Guy Martin, and some packets of political promises.

Guy Martin is set to become the next Labour leader, if a bookies in Harold is to be believed.

Pulling ahead of Jodie Kidd and that shouty policeman from Life on Mars, Martin is odds-on favourite in the race to the red flag.

“What’s that chief?”, asked the adrenalin junkie, “leader of the pack? That’s not really my scene, I’m more of a racer than a moderate or a rocker.”
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Filed under Election 2015

Lib Dems ask for one more vote on out of work benefit reform

image Jobless former Liberal Democrat MPs are asking for just one more vote on benefit reform before their first appointment at the job centre on Tuesday.

Speaking after losing his seat to the SNP, Danny Alexander said he can now see the dangers of reducing benefits for those who find themselves out of work and thinks now would be a good time to reverse the cuts and sanctions he once supported.
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Jaded nation begs for election to be induced

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Even our pets have run out of rats arses to give

Unable to take the endless speculation and media blah a moment longer voters in the UK are begging for the general election to be induced.

“It’s really doing my head in,” said villager Janet Holmes. “There’s no escaping the constant guessing about what the next government will be and what name the Prime Minister will have. Who cares? There’s been governments before, this one’s got less novelty value than a packet of everyday value sliced ham. I hope the new government is healthy, of course I do, but beyond that I don’t give a toss. I wish they’d induce it today and be done with it.” Continue reading

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Pensioners warned of cold calling con-artists with Westminster accents

osborne

“I would happily have you boiled down and sold for glue.”

Local police have warned against scam artists using condescending accents after receiving a spate of complaints.

“There have been several cases of plausible individuals door-stepping pensioners in the area”, said PC Flegg. “They appear uninvited, sometimes following an unsolicited brochure, email or telephone call.”

“Having made contact, they then apply pressure to take up an offer, saying it’s only available for a short period of time. They’re clever and convincing, but the old adage applies: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”
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‘The light faded and temperature dropped’ – Woman describes voting Tory nightmare

image Harold resident and owner of the village’s trendiest establishment with ‘Veggie!’ in its name, Pippa Delaney, has spoken exclusively to the Evening Harold about a nightmare she had on Friday morning during a brief nap at 9:30am where she dreamt she was voting Conservative.

Although the nightmare was purely in Pippa’s head, the lover of all things organic swimming in manure says the experience is one she will never forget, and hopes it is a once in a lifetime event.

“The dream was so vivid I remember it like it was real,” Pippa told us. Continue reading

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Tories refuse to rule out deal with the Devil

image With Labour seemingly reluctant to rule out doing a deal with the SNP to secure a coalition after the next election, the Conservative party have come under equal pressure to rule out doing a deal with the Devil to stay in power for five more years.

Speaking about his upcoming budget, George Osborne was asked whether doing a deal with the Devil would be a line the Tories were willing to cross.

“Obviously it is our intention to win the the election outright,” Osborne said, “but should the situation arise that the only way we can get across the line is to make a pact with the leader of Hell then so be it.
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‘Will dissemble for cash’: Party leaders seek debate sponsorship

cameronWith the negotiations about a TV debate now more complex than the F1 rule book, politicians have been forced to seek sponsorship.

A particularly shiny PM was wheeled out to waiting fans, who couldn’t wait to tweet his new livery and nose around his rear. A precocious splitter was spotted, later identified as rival Nigel Farage, resplendent in traditional British Racist Green. Farage then held proceedings up braying about how nothing on earth would make him take ‘a Pole position’.
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Filed under Election 2015, Politics

Labour advised to keep quiet about Ed Miliband

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You really want to know? I haven’t got a clue.

A leaked Labour document which has been sent to some of the party’s MPs and activists, says they should deny all knowledge of Ed Miliband while out campaigning in the run up to the next election.It says the issue could be “unhelpful” and may risk losing votes.
The document suggests that that campaigners should use whatever diversionary tactics they can think of if anyone mentions the ‘M’ word. Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Election 2015, Politics

Yvette Cooper and Andy Burnham deny trying to win Labour the next election

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Balls, Burnham and Cooper react to Ed’s assurances he won’t step down

Yvette Cooper and Andy Burnham have strenuously denied having a meeting to discuss plans to make Labour win the next election.

The meeting between the two was to discuss the possibility of Ed Miliband launching his best policy to date, his resignation.
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by | November 7, 2014 · 9:09 am

Ched Evans urges public to ‘think hard’ over re-electing Nick Clegg

Not a suitable role model

Not a suitable role model

Convicted rapist Ched Evans has urged the public to “think really long and hard” before voting for Nick Clegg again in upcoming elections.

Evans, a Wales international footballer who was jailed in 2012 for raping a 19-year-old woman, said “When you elect an MP, you are not just taking on a representative for your community, you are electing a role model. You have to ask yourself ‘do this man’s actions over the last few years make him the sort of person we want our kids looking up to?’ and I would suggest the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” Continue reading

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BBC to launch its own Nigel Farage channel

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The BBC have announced they are to launch a digital station dedicated to Nigel Farage.

The channel, BBC Nige, will be set up in the wake of UKIP getting its first MP, and British politics getting its first personality in over 20 years.

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Vladimir Putin heads poll in Tower Hamlets election

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Democracy inaction?

Despite claims of voter intimidation and errors with counting, Vladimir Putin looks set to seize power in Tower Hamlets.

Some voters have complained to the council that polling booths were manned by an unmarked militia, brandishing AK-47s and pamphlets about baby oil and topless communism.

Winning Tower Hamlets could be a way for Russia to bypass sanctions on key personnel, once they move into the notorious shit hole and decorate it to look ‘more like Chechnya’.
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“How can I hate racists? Some of my best friends are racist” Britain says

20140524-004916-2956121.jpg Following the relative success of Ukip in the English council election, and their expected results in the European ballot, many right-minded people are now having to backtrack from their pre-election smears.

With casual racism being proven an accepted political position, and the fact you are statistically never more than 15 feet from a Ukip voter, people across the country are now saying “how can I hate racists, some of my best friends are racists”.

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Filed under Election 2014, Europe, News, Politics

Main reason for voting UKIP would be to piss off Cameron, Miliband and Clegg

1% of voters have spotted the similarity

1% of voters have spotted the similarity

A poll published today has revealed that the main reason that voters are will vote for UKIP at the European Parliament election is simply to annoy and confuse the leaders of the mainstream parties.

“Whilst I regard UKIP as directly descended from the Monster Raving Loony Party, and I don’t agree with any of their views, the idea of seriously irritating the right-on, toffee nosed Tories, Lib Dems and Laborites really appeals to me,” said Dave Zhou, a typical voter from Harold. “I’d much rather vote for a quasi-racist millionaire stock broker.”

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Union to disassociate itself from Ed Miliband

The leader of the Labour party set to disown Ed Miliband

The leader of the Labour party set to disown Ed Miliband

Len McCluskey, leader of the Unite union, will come out today and announce plans to abolish the automatic enrolment of members into the Labour party. Wishing to bring the union back to values of equality and fairness, he believes the automatic affiliation of anyone to Ed Miliband may go against their human rights.

“We know that we had supported Ed Miliband in the past, even helping him win the leadership election despite the fact most people would have preferred his brother” Mr McCluskey told reporters.
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