He’ll huff and he’ll puff … oh, hold on, that’s the other one
Harold resident Carol Mutter has put her home on the market just 6 weeks after moving in, following sightings of a “ghostly monster” in her son’s nursery.
The property, which sadly for Carol has no mysterious past, was a new build when Carol bought it. Thinking she had found the perfect home for herself and her 9 month old son, Jeremy, Carol soon became aware of a supernatural presence.
“At first I thought I was just imagining things” said Carol. “Sometimes I would be woken in the early hours of the morning by a crying noise. Other times I would leave Jeremy with his dinner, only to find it had been flung about the room when my back was turned. This one time, he even ended up with spaghetti all over his head, that really freaked me out.”
Rail development in the North is being shelved for a few years
Plans to make rail travel bearable were ‘overly ambitious’ admitted transport minister Patrick McLoughlin yesterday, from the back of his official Jaguar.
McLoughlin explained how, with the election over, there is now no immediate need to have northerners clogging up platforms and corridors with their whippets and homing pigeons.
“That’s it for the Northern Power-house for the time being” he chuckled “Northern Shite-house more like. Have you seen the way Jaguar ruche their leather seats on the new models by the way? Great to run your fingers over.”
Rivers in 1960, 1976 and 2014.
Joan Rivers has died, aged 85, 34, 21, 15, 5, and 6 months, according to which part of her body was being assessed by the duty pathologist.
Doctors treating the outspoken comedienne disclosed that although her heart and brain had given up years ago, they had managed to keep her mouth going for the past decade fed on scraps of indiscriminate material gleaned from the tabloid press.
Born early in the last millennium, Joan Cruella Rivers became more famous for her extensive plastic surgery regime than her sharp tongued wit, especially after her tongue was enhanced in the late nineties. She once quipped ‘I come under the surgeon’s knife more often than most women come under their husbands’
Consumer Correspondant Miles Anour investigates
Take a look at the photo on your left. Two identical bottles of shower gel. “So what?” I hear you ask.
Look a little closer. The one on the left contains forty (yes 40) limes, but the one on the right contains a pathetic ten lemons.
Have you ever wondered how they get a lime, lemon or any other fruit into a bottle? Now, I have no reason to disbelieve that the claims that there are forty limes in that green liquid, and I’m sure they are all real and zingy, but I’d struggle to squeeze one of the zingers into a bottle let alone forty. Continue reading
Oh, what a beauty.
Scores of local athletes spent their bank holiday taking part in Harold village’s famous tossing competition. The old Harold contest involves participants tossing the locally-grown knob of Mayor Rufus D. Jackson as hard as possible.
The tradition goes back many years, but historians believe it was invented by Mayor Jackson himself, during a dry spell. This year’s winner, Norman Bunting, produced a record-breaking toss, the results easily clearing the cricket pavilion roof.
Women’s Institute President and toss organsiser Marjorie Houndstooth explained the rules of the competition: “The knob must be tossed underarm with a firm grip, and at least one of Mayor Jackson’s feet must remain on the ground at all times.”
Acknowledged as one of the all time greats, Nelson Mandela has retired after a glorious career.
Widely tipped to last the Wimbledon fortnight, it was a shock when the South African finally caved in after a marathon struggle which the entire world watched breathlessly from the edge of their seats. Continue reading
Filed under Politics, Sport
The long running legal dispute over the remains of Richard III has been resolved with his bones being shared between dog homes located in Leicester and York.
It has emerged that badgers are not the only creatures being killed in the Gloucestershire cull aimed at restricting the spread of bovine TB. Statistics released last night revealed that the death toll to date includes 798 badgers, 15 giant pandas, 7 nuns, a Goth, and an abandoned piano.
Although wildlife experts were horrified at the loss of the panda colony, a Defra spokesman tried to put a positive spin. ‘This is good news,’ he said, “because we had no idea there was a flourishing panda community in the West Country. Of course, it’s probably not flourishing now, but it’s nice to know that it had been there.” Continue reading
Filed under Badgers, News
Personal delivery service – can come to yours. Apply: Dimon Selaney (still not my real name) 01998 254788
Left Back in the past
Following discussions with human rights campaigner Peter Tachell, the Police have decreed that all chants and songs will be monitored to ensure that they are appropriate and politically balanced at all times.
Failure to adhere to the new rules could result in a ban and fans will be unable to travel to Brazil to support England in the World Cup. Not that they will be allowed to only support England as that would be biased which is strictly prohibited.
As the traditional “We hate Nottingham Forest” song is now outlawed, the Evening Harold has provided the following a new song for fans everywhere: Continue reading
A Health and Safety expert has issued a warning following the death of local stuntman, Dave Dunnit, who jumped from a helicopter without a parachute yesterday.
“Although investigations have yet to be concluded, it would appear that the cause of death was most probably jumping out of the aircraft without a parachute,” commented the HSE man. “Unless the aircraft in which you are travelling is actually about to crash, we would strongly recommend against jumping out; especially without a parachute since the belief that you can glide to earth like a bird, is at best misguided.” Continue reading
Save your kisses for me!
The announcement last night that deposed Egyptian President, Mohamed Morsi, is to appear on Piers Morgan’s life stories was heralded as a major coup for ITV.
Seen as the biggest TV event since Piers snatched Susan Boyle from under the noses of Virgin Media, the programme promises to showcase Morgan’s true journalistic brilliance as he holds no punches by asking the questions to which the world wants answers. Continue reading
The only bush to be shaped with wax strips
There were blushes at the annual Harold Flower Show yesterday, when it was realised that the winning entry for the bush topiary section had been created from the pubic hair of the successful gardener’s wife.
Jane Fondant, leader of the local Women’s Institute and sponsor of the prize, admitted that the entry was within competition rules. “There was nothing to say that the entry had to be fashioned from the green foliage of a bush; but naturally we were thinking of a shrub rather than Mrs Kennedy’s nether regions. Things have changed a lot in the WI since Calendar Girls, and we are keen to embrace, as it were, anything that distances us from the old jam and Jerusalem image.”
A L M O S T A N A D V E R T I S I N G F E A T U R E
Cool for cats
Has your moggy become bit of a doggy? Well, you can improve her image by buying her something from Cajazzle, the luxury jewellery range that is guaranteed to take the bag out of your cat.
If you’ve ever thought that your pussy should be better dressed when going out in the evening then Cajazzle has just the thing for you and your feline. Devised by former Bond girl and cat lover, Emilie Bourdain, there is something for all varieties from ginger to tortoiseshell. Continue reading
Filed under Lifestyle, News
When Doris Kettle’s brother, Ken, died at the age of 78 in January, his sister naturally expected his family to pay tribute to him in the usual manner by taking part in some futile project in his memory. But so far, says a disappointed Doris, nothing has happened.
“I think it’s appalling,’ said the Grandmother of six. “We had the funeral, the wake and then, of course, the memorial service and since then, nothing. The London Marathon came and went and none of the lazy buggers even bothered to take part in that. Not one of them has even had their head shaved. I can’t help thinking that Ken died in vain.” Continue reading
Filed under Lifestyle, News
What do you think of it so far?
Following ex-Pope Benedict’s decision to move into the Vatican along with Pope Francis, there were fears among Papal advisors that the unprecedented situation might lead to some ecumenical friction between the two holy men.
In a surprise to everyone, however, the Pope and ex-Pope have revealed that far from being discomfited by the living arrangements, they have actually embraced the celibate buddies idea so much that they have started performing old comedy double-acts, and intend to build up to a big break with tradition by swapping this year’s Christmas blessing for a revival of Morecambe and Wise’s famous “Breakfast” routine to the tune of “The Stripper”.
Harold’s Weekly News Round Up
There was controversy yesterday after a care assistant reported Elsie Duggan, the only resident of The Over-The-Hill Nursing Home, for biting her during a game of gin rummy. After the game, Manager Marjorie Houndstooth played down the incident, saying she had been unsighted when the alleged offence took place. She said that Elsie, 86, has been told to “pack it in” but pointed out that Elsie only put in her teeth for “big occasions”.
The Chinese internet craze for posting photos of dogs dressed in lingerie has reached Harold courtesy of Dave Zhou, owner of the 38th Parallel, the village’s North Korean Restaurant.
Dave explained how he had set up his ‘Bitches in Fishnets’ website which enables allows pet owners to anonymously post photographs of their pooches dressed in what he describes as “very sexy leg wear”,
Filed under Lifestyle, News
Erection in her honour
Supporters of the deceased ex-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher have proposed the erection in her honour of a mile-high memorial pyramid, visible from space, made from pure gold and shining with the light of a thousand suns.
“We’d originally planned a library,” explained former Conservative chairman Lord Tebbit, but that felt a bit rubbish and prone to closure, and one thing sort of led to another.”
The newly-formed “Cherish Freedom Trust” has announced that it wants the pyramid, which will be based in, and cover most of, central London, “to bring Margaret Thatcher’s legacy, values and achievements to life for the wider public, and to be a true heritage resource where schoolchildren, historians and millions of ant-like insignificant specs of humanity can come and pitifully kneel and ideally keep the structure well-cleaned with their tongues.”
Arguments are raging over the choice of design, with possible plans including a gargantuan handbag, a colossal glinting phallus, or a pyramid.
Suggestions that the mighty edifice could be paid for out of the huge tax cuts recently gifted to Britain’s elite were dismissed as “expensive” by corrupt tax-avoiding bastards this morning. Instead, the original Egyptian construction model is looking favourite, in which the revolutionary use of rollers meant that mighty blocks of stone could be moved by ordinary workers without undue cost. The entirety of Britain’s walking unemployed are to be given the mandatory opportunity to gain valuable work experience through unpaid ‘apprenticeships’ pulling ropes, while the stubborn disabled whom even ATOS are unable to make stand up are to provide valuable service as the rollers.
Trampsfest – Salvation à la mode and a cup of tea.
Men of the road from across the country will be descending on Harold for the 53rd annual Trampsfest gathering later this week.
Thousands of tramps, vagrants, vagabonds, derelicts and panhandlers are expected to attend the festival to enjoy two days of fun, drinking, music, competitions, drinking, socialising and drinking.