Put a ring on this Cameron.
Diminutive pot smoking, dragon baiting, hole dwelling dwarf fancier Bilbo Baggins has come out in support of the Labour Party for this year’s general election.
The pint sized adventurer has made a special video outlining why he believes Labour can win on trolling day 7th May 2015.
At last, Flight Lieutenant Waggy-Tail can take a break
RAF Search and Rescue (SARF) have confirmed that they’ve called off the nationwide hunt for a Ukip policy that’s even vaguely realistic.
“The search has been a coordinated effort involving military and civilian professionals as well as dedicated volunteers,” said SARF Force Commander, Group Captain Abi McLean. “However the time has come to admit that all anyone’s found is unworkable nonsense and that there’s no chance anything sustainable and well-thought-out could’ve survived this long within Ukip.” Continue reading
“Nick! Nick! Nick!”
Gathering places all over the UK are today thronged with delirious well-wishers do due to the Lib Dems officially launching their election campaign.
“It’s what we’ve all been waiting for,” yelled a drunken reveller in the crowd at Trafalgar Square. “The Lib Dems on the streets, promising anything and everything so they can stay in power.” Continue reading
I’ll be off then…
Following David Cameron’s somewhat premature announcement that he would not serve a third term as Prime Minister, Labour Party leader Ed Miliband has controversially ruled out serving a first term. He reportedly came to this decision after studying opinion polls and talking to people.
Miliband tipped David Cameron, Home Secretary Theresa May, Chancellor George Osborne and London Mayor Boris Johnson as potential Prime Ministers, but admitted sadly that he personally was unlikely to be taking advantage of Downing Street’s lavish pair of kitchens any time soon.
“Terms are like Shredded Wheat,” explained Miliband to journalists. “I can’t even manage one. It’s just not going to happen, is it? Well, maybe if you poured milk all over it, but Prime Minister? Not bloody likely.” Continue reading
Caption competition: what’s Alex James thinking? Tell us on our Facebook page
David Cameron is today full of praise for his close friend, Jeremy Clarkson, for distracting the media in the run up to the election.
“I’m indebted to the man we’ll all soon be calling Baron Clarkson of Chipping Norton for proving yet again that people don’t really give a toss about politics but if you criticise any element of their favourite distraction then the internet’s flooded with comments and petitions before you can say change.org.” Continue reading
Despite setback, Bennett vowed to continue her work as a wind-up merchant.
Green Party leader Natalie Bennett has apologised for a low-energy interview, and laid the blame on a carbon-neutral microphone.
“When I agreed to be interviewed on the radio, I insisted that they use our own, planet-friendly equipment”, explained Bennett. “It isn’t quite 230 volts but I told them it doesn’t matter because my voice is quite shrill.”
A sound engineer from LBC told us he was rather taken aback by the clockwork equipment.
“When she handed me the microphone, I said ‘is this a wind up?’ She said it was, and demonstrated how to turn the handle.”
Got any change Mister?
Part-time politician, charmless Thatcher leftover Sir Malcolm Rifkind, apologised today for having told the truth yesterday, when insisting he was ‘entitled’ to more than an MP’s salary of £67,000.
“Quite by mistake, I said what I really believed. I now realise that made me look like a twat. A privileged Tory with my head so far up my bottom that I only see the light of day when I reappear from my own throat. I do hope that clears things up.”
When questioned about his comments on Channel 4’s Dispatches programme, Sir Malcolm Rifkind explained his remarks had been taken out of context. “Yes, I did say I’d a surprising amount of free time, was self-employed and that no-one payed me a salary. But the context was that I’d forgotten I was an MP; a simple error of judgement. Haven’t you ever forgotten that you work for the Telegraph?”
A former political adviser to Sir Malcolm gave her reaction to his decision to stand down as an MP to BBC News: “I have to say there’s huge respect that he’s done the honourable thing … no, I’m sorry … can we take that again?
Miliband also works evenings as a coat rack.
Ed Miliband has admitted to subsidising his income, while crossing the road outside his house for a modest salary.
Despite living miles from a school, Mr Miliband proudly dons his hi-viz uniform each morning, grabs his lollipop and goes out to play in the traffic.
“It’s not reasonable to expect me to survive on the minimum wage”, claimed Miliband as he lunged at a truck. “Which is why normal, everyday people, people such as myself, have to take on a second job as leader of the opposition.”
If I can’t see them they can’t see me, right?
“We realise Ed has never run anything more complex than a bath” said a Labour press officer today “so we’re guaranteeing to put him on a day-release scheme to learn the basics. ”
“Assuming UK voters are stupid enough to overlook that he was one our last load of wankers.”
“Like challenging the energy companies when you’re actually in power, say as an energy minister? Not like last time, when you were err … an energy mister Ed? Like saying ‘Grrr’ to Rupert Murdoch when you’re in Downing Street? Not like the last time, when you had to join a long queue of Labour colleagues to kiss his ring Ed?” asked everyone else.
UKIP have defended their decision to launch an election campaign using a bus shaped like a giant male organ.
The bus, a 45-foot long purple monster complete with helmet and sagging scrotal sack, was launched at a rally in Clacton, and attracted even greater than usual derision on social media.
Elsie Renfrew, 42, almost fainted at the sight of the bus looming down on her in the high street.
“How they thought that could help them win votes is a mystery,” she told journalists. “It was horrible, that giant sickly bell-end leering up at me. I told him, Mr Farage, your bus is rubbish.”
Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.
George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading
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One of Labour’s controversial new posters
Faced with increasing internal pressure to come up with fresh policy ideas, Labour Party strategists have come up with what they describe as a ‘sure fire election winner’ by postponing the publication of their election manifesto until after the General Election.
In interviews over the next few days, leaders will deny accusations that this is due to a dearth of policies by regurgitating their new set of NHS saving mantras which they have spent the last six months working on.
According to an insider at Labour HQ, Ed Miliband feels that working on a lengthy manifesto, which will only provide ammunition to opponents and is never read by the electorate, is a waste of time and resources. The thinking is that Labour can get their message across far more convincingly with sound bites and random promises to throw money at target voters. Continue reading
Ed… Ed ……. Is he asleep? ED!!
The leader of a political party which careered out of control in Scotland says he has no memory of the crash, or events which led up to it.
Ed Miliband told the Evening Harold that although he understands Scottish Labour MPs want answers, he’d been unconscious for several years and could not remember anything.
Labour’s former-leader in-waiting says that he had no problems before 2010, apart from letting energy companies get away with murder when he was Energy Secretary. “But after that things are just a blur”.
The party went out of control in Westminster, shortly after his brother lost the leadership election and then crashed right across the UK, before being written off in a slow-motion Scottish catastrophe shortly after September 2014.
In a statement yesterday Mr Miliband said “I want to be able to reach out to the soon-to-be-ex Labour MPs and their families. Does anyone know who they are and where they live?”
The fearfully observant will notice the barrels of oil reflected in his eyes. No photoshop was used, we think it happens naturally.
Tony Blair is set for another bumper payday as it has been revealed that the Labour Party is giving him millions to shut up and stay in a cupboard until after the general election.
“It’s a no-brainer,” said Ed Miliband. “We as a party can’t have that face popping up everywhere and reminding voters what a Labour Prime Minister who wins elections actually looks like. Those eyes, that smile – we want people to feel shiny and positive about Labour, not have the shits put up them by Satan’s very own gargoyle.” Continue reading
The sum of all fears.
An outbreak of avian flu is unlikely to destabilise the government, according to a report from our cold-blooded masters.
Although it could prove deadly for chickens, lizards are well up the pecking order. The announcement didn’t mention how it might affect those that evolved from puny apes.
“While pandemics can seem scary, I’d like to assure you lesser species that I’ll be fine”, said David Cameron. Nigel Farage licked a broiler in front of the press, to hammer the point home.
I want to be an engine driver. Woo woo!
With only 100 days until what is expected by nobody to be a closely fought general election, both Labour leader Ed Miliband and his Lib Dem rival, Nick Clegg have stated how excited they are at the prospect of a further 100 days remaining in charge of their respective parties. Continue reading
A show trial could restore the public’s confidence in politicians.
The postponing of an irrelevant report about notorious murderer Tony Blair has delayed his hanging until May.
With the rope already ordered and a gibbet in Westminster booked for the bank holiday, the act of justice will take place shortly after the general election.
“The Chilcot Enquiry was set up to see just how guilty this psychotic warmonger is”, said a spokesman for the Home Office.
“But so far, the author hasn’t found the words. ‘Very’ doesn’t cut it all, and neither does ‘really, really properly’. Hopefully by April, he’ll have come up with something along the lines of ‘as f**k’.”
It’s expected that certain information will be redacted from the report, such as Tony Blair’s name, some key dates and all the facts. Continue reading
Can he fix it? No, he can’t
Nick Clegg has cancelled an order for 500 business cards advertising his skills as a low-level bodger, after being declared the leader of a ‘major political party’.
“This is brilliant news,” said Clegg from his caravan in the gardens of Number 10. “I didn’t know anyone was listening to me, other than that lady who I quoted for painting her fence, some time after April.”
The move means Clegg will be allowed to appear in a series of TV debates. “It’s vital for putting my point across’,” he declared.
“No job too small, references available. White washing a speciality. Should I mention I do removals? How far away is Chipping Norton?”
I’m really thinking ‘what’s for dinner?’
A victim of last week’s River Gluggle flood is concerned, after David Cameron emailed to say that all his thoughts were with him. Villager Dominic Delaney had contacted MP Spencer Chadwick to complain about the floods but received a response from the PM instead.
An anxious Delaney had this to say “I’ve no idea when his thoughts are due here … although I had a dreadful headache this morning. I assumed it was the lingering stench of sewage but maybe it was him; who knows what shit he thinks about? He might start thinking about bacon at any moment and I’m vegetarian”.
Rev Tansy Forster is backing Delaney’s fight against politicians’ indiscriminate sending of unwanted thoughts, and believes they’re becoming more frequent in the run-up to the election.”Some of them are so inappropriate. I was choosing what to have for breakfast on New Year’s eve when a fully-costed plan to feed prisoners pig-swill popped into my head; I’d accidentally tuned in to Chris Grayling’s malign resolution-brooding.”
“The next morning, when I was supposed to be praying, I wondered if it would be fun to kick away the crutches of disabled benefit claimants. I suspected it was satan tempting me” said Forster “but when I began to think about selling their crutches on Ebay I realised I was channelling Iain Duncan Smith.”
He may have his faults but he’s a hell of a spiffy dresser
Under intense questioning from Andrew Marr, David Cameron has refused to rule out a post-election coalition between the Tories and President Snow. A prospect that horrified critics have said will make the current government seem like a workers’ co-op run by Michael Palin and Camilla Batmanghelidjh. However the Prime Minister was quick to refute this allegation.
“Cornelius Snow is a good chap,” he asserted. “He works hard and more importantly has immense personal wealth and likes all the things I do. Furthermore his record in giving young people a purpose and a direction in life is second to none.”
Cameron also revealed that President Snow isn’t the only person he’d “do business with” confirming that initial soundings out have taken place between him and Tywin Lannister as well as Lord Voldemort.
“I don’t know why people are getting so het up about the idea,” he said. “These are strong. dynamic leaders. And anyway it’s not like I’m considering doing something that would truly screw the country and talking to Nigel Farage. Only a real fruitcake would consider a coalition with Ukip.”