You love it
Apple is rumoured to be removing the standard headphone sockets on its new iPhone because the whole company is run by demons infesting the thirteenth plane of hell who want to punish the human race, it emerged today.
The 3.5mm headphone jack is currently located on every man-made object in the world, and was voted ‘2nd most useful item known to humankind’ last year, coming in just after air.
A spokesdemon for Apple refused to comment on upcoming products, but did confirm that ‘the humans up in the land of daylight have had it easy for too long,” adding: “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. Continue reading
(White and gold on left)
A new picture of the dog wearing trousers made out of material from “the dress” has caused the internet to grind to a halt, as families fight bitterly and former friends stand divided over whether the dog would wear blue and black or white and gold.
“Society seems to have fallen into three distinct camps,” explained Evening Harold culture correspondent Piers Waghorn.
“Some people see the dog wearing blue and black, some see it wearing white and gold, and others see a bunch of wankers obsessing over a picture of a dog while our world slides rapidly down the toilet.” Continue reading
Filed under Fashion, Pets
Cheek bones to die for.
Marilyn Monroe’s skeleton could be signed by a top modelling agency, if her estate agrees to a couple of ribs being removed.
Once notorious for her hideously three-dimensional body, Marilyn’s latest ‘diet’ has brought her tantalisingly close to being slim enough for modern fashion tastes.
“We wouldn’t have signed her when she was alive, she was just too ‘flesh and bone'”, said fashion mogul Karl Masstasi. “But now she’s all bone, she can easily fit into our dresses. Once we’ve shaved down her pelvis.”
Filed under Fashion, Society
“Hang on a minute, it’s ALL sugar???”
Following the news that homeopathic ‘treatments’ may be added to the list of ineffective things that doctors are not allowed to prescribe, fans of the sugar pills with nothing else in them have started to realise that the technique may be ‘bollocks’, it emerged today.
The controversial practice is based on the concept that easily-led people are likely to pay for anything which sounds cosmic, but the most ardent adherents are now noticing that even after much expense, they still seem to have hayfever, cancer or the clap. Continue reading
When a man was seated next to a slightly similar-looking man on a flight to Galway, he immediately got giddy and shared a selfie with the world.
Little were the ‘pair’ to know but they were about to share something else: the most awkward flight conversation in history.
When I saw my doppelganger, I didn’t know what was going on”, said Neil Douglas. “So I took a picture, and made a massive fuss about the whole thing.”
The maniac didn’t even spit at passing motorists.
A cyclist has attempted to travel through a rural area, while not dressed as an absolute cock-end.
The incident was dismissed as a hoax at first, but police were forced to react after being inundated with calls.
“An I.C 1 cyclist was apprehended this afternoon”, said PC Flegg, “while wearing a proper shirt, and trousers too loose to reveal his religion.”
“He wasn’t streaming his route to social media, there was no mention of Team Sky anywhere on his clothing, and he was riding in a courteous manner. This idiot clearly didn’t have a clue.”
I didn’t like it at first, but it Gru on me.
Iain Duncan Smith has today launched the new national dress code for all public sector workers.
The fetching blue and yellow combo comes complete with sturdy safety goggles and is designed to ensure anyone with a menial job and no future prospects such as council road sweepers, traffic wardens, hospital porters, bin men, bus drivers and the like will no longer be mistaken for someone significant like, say, a middle manager, an accountant or a civil servant. Continue reading
Nude shoes are unusually well insulated.
Eight pairs of ‘nude’ shoes crafted from the excess skin of tubster Paul Mason are expected to break all records at a specialist vegan auction.
Suffolk-born Paul Mason was once hailed ‘the world’s fattest man’, but lost 160 kilos when his vending machine broke down. The rapid weight loss left him enveloped in loose folds of skin.
Now a leading designer has created the first vegan-friendly ‘leather’ shoes, from the excess material removed from Paul by New York surgeons.
“We managed to get two pairs of size 5s just from his left thigh”, said the creator, Brian Lichtenberg. “The leather is so soft, it’s really good quality.”
“There’s virtually no scars from where he’s scratched against barbed wire fences, although there are one or two stretch marks.”
Filed under Fashion, Health
A local stylist is distraught she has been made bankrupt despite holding clothing and shoe receipts showing she has saved over £1,000,000 in 5 short years.
“I just don’t understand” said 25 year old Sheree Evans. “We are told to save and I’ve spent many hours each week doing just that, buying clothing and shoes that were as much as 95% off. I’ve sought out last season’s fashions, as that’s where you make the biggest savings, even though obviously I wasn’t going to wear the stuff.”
Just say No
Future meetings of the Harold knitting circle have been cancelled following an outbreak of Hepatitis B among the group. Continue reading
Oh come on! Did you really want a car photo?
The music industry has heaved a huge sigh of relief after learning that last weekend’s Beckham car crash was not the warbling clotheshorse attempting another comeback.
Victoria was distraught after learning of husband David’s motor accident, having misheard the early reports.
“Oh, thank god for that, I thought you said ‘car clash’. There’s nothing worse than turning up at an event and someone has exactly the same car as you. I couldn’t have let him drive it again, for the shame he would have brought upon brand Beckham.” Continue reading
Filed under Fashion, News, Sport
A make-up girl experiments with genetic modification.
After a 50 year quest, scientists have finally unravelled the bizarre origins of Clowns.
Love them or fear them, with their bright red noses and funny fall down trousers, Clowns are woven into our society. Since the first recorded sighting of a Clown in 1954 they have multiplied exponentially in number, and can be found everywhere from children’s parties, to younger children’s parties.
Geneticists studying Clowns have confirmed they are one of the strangest abnormalities in the animal kingdom with the first complete analysis of its fully decoded genome.
Filed under Fashion, science
After an eight year study costing £3m, scientists in Harold say they have discovered the fundamental physics behind the forces that attract a suited man’s hands straight into his pocket.
Looking into the phenomenon, lead researcher Henry Slater said: “The forces that act on men’s hands seem to be totally indiscriminate affecting everyone from Prince Charles at the state opening of parliament in Westminster through to Barry from the pub opening a bottle of Carlsberg at his best mate’s wedding.
“Put a jacket on him and his hand will go through the arm, out of the sleeve, straight into a trouser pocket.
Filed under Fashion, Society
Louis Vuitton crisp bags unlikely to be plundered by husbands.
Fashion giant Louis Vuitton is targeting fat cats, with a new range of impossibly posh potato-based snack bags.
The firm will offer exclusive flavours for the more discerning palate, including lamb n’ minted, cheese et privilege and ‘plain’ pomme de tiara.
With product placement key to success, celebrities from LA to St. Tropez have been spotted dipping into the designer delicacies, before wiping their fingers on a servant.
Beauty is only paper thin.
Stationery giants Post-It Notes have launched a range of peel-on-and-off cosmetics, for women who put more of a priority on ‘me time’ than ‘face time’.
Claiming to put ‘the slap back into slap’, blemishes are now a thing of the past, once a square of pre-gummed paper has been banged over the offending area.
Available in a choice of colours and easily reused, the range includes concealers, tanning squares and a selection of indelible eyebrows.
“The latest trend for people to remove their real eyebrows and then draw them back in with a marker pen got us thinking”, said Post-It’s head reminderologist Felicity Hamilton. “It can be really hard using a permanent Sharpie in a mirror, especially if you’re a klutz. A lot of bleary-eyed ladies are tending to go out these days looking like badly drawn morons.”
With 3D printing on the increase and a Manchester company claiming to have made a pair of 3D printed knickers, Harold’s very own ‘3D printing prototype’ has finally finished ‘printing’ a jumper.
“The project has been going for a while now, but we finally have a finished product” a spokesman for the Over-The-Hill retirement home, which houses the printer, told us.
“The technology is still a bit primitive, but Elsie Duggan, 86, can now knit 3D scarfs, over-sized 3D jumpers and gloves for people with six fingers.”