Let them eat fruitcake
There were murmurs in the Lords almost immediately as the Queen uttered the words “My Government will get out of Europe by teatime.” These turned to mutterings and looks of surprise as she announced the immediate closure of the Channel Ports and the Tunnel.
By the time she had announced that Scottish Independence would be encouraged by offering Ulster as a going away present to the “ungrateful bastards”, it was clear that something was amiss. Continue reading
Everyone stay still, her vision is based on movement
Following another incident in the South West the Tory party has finally admitted that it has been cloning Margaret Thatcher and other past members that it believes will appeal specifically to Ukip voters. Operation Enoch is believed to have been running for at least a year and be located on Lundy island twelve miles off the Devon coast.
Filed under Politics
George playing bingo as he does most nights before having a pint then taking the whippet for a walk.
Speaking yesterday on BBC Radio 4 George Osborne abandoned default Tory scorn for Ukip and spoke of his respect for them and for Nigel Farage. Continue reading
Following the relative success of Ukip in the English council election, and their expected results in the European ballot, many right-minded people are now having to backtrack from their pre-election smears.
With casual racism being proven an accepted political position, and the fact you are statistically never more than 15 feet from a Ukip voter, people across the country are now saying “how can I hate racists, some of my best friends are racists”.
Comments Off on “How can I hate racists? Some of my best friends are racist” Britain says
Filed under Election 2014, Europe, News, Politics
Probably best if you just stay in the house for a while Ed
A bad week for Ed Miliband ended on another embarrassing note today as it emerged that he had accidentally voted for Ukip in his local council elections.
The Labour leader had already struggled with the cost of his weekly shop, the name of the Labour candidate in Swindon, and eating a bacon sandwich like a normal human being. Now it appears that he has also forgotten the name of his local councillor and, after taking a stab in the dark, succeeded in getting the wrong party entirely. Continue reading
Filed under News
According to their opponents if Ukip triumph today there will be one of these (whatever the hell this is) in every street in the land.
As the country heads to the polling stations the Tories have caused a last minute sensation with a new campaign slogan.
“The gloves are off,” said the Secretary of State for Europe David Lidington at an early morning press conference. “With the admittedly forthright language of our new slogan we are trying to wake people up. We’re saying engage with the process, get out and vote today or there will be an influx of fruitcakes and swivel-eyed loons in every decent, hard-working British community.” Continue reading
Farage expresses his opinion.
In yet another popularist move, UKIP Party leader, Nigel Farage has promised to withdrawn Britian from the Eurovision Song Contest if he is elected to power.
“It’s an embarrassing spectacle,” he said, “and Britain should not be shaming itself by camping it up with the very worse of Europe. Especially when we have no chance of winning.”
Comments Off on UKIP landslide expected after Farage pledges to withdraw UK from Eurovision Song contest
Filed under News, Politics, Showbusiness
“Yeah, I know people died for my right to vote but I’m comfy.”
Things are looking good for Nigel Farage as Ukip are set to triumph in the European elections on May 22nd. Despite his party attracting significant opposition in the press and across social media it seems that no one who dislikes what Ukip stand for can actually be arsed to vote. Continue reading
Comments Off on European Elections latest: opposition to Ukip prepared to do anything but vote
Filed under Politics
Hello, how can I snuffle snuffle snuffle snuffle?
Bank of Harold bosses have dismissed as ‘scaremongering’ union claims that customer service would be affected following the bank’s move to replace all call centre staff with a large colony of badgers.
Bank chiefs insist that it is unrealistic to expect to pay human wages in the current economic climate, and point out that the considerable savings made will be sufficient to safeguard the bonus structure for several years to come.
“The real beauty of the plan is that badgers don’t require money,” explained CEO Howard Bing. “In fact, they have no concept of finance whatsoever, preferring an entirely slug- and beetle-based economy, where immediate consumption is very much the norm. And with the slug/pound exchange rate where it is right now, we’re quids in.”
Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Business
The patron saint of pub bores
In the wake of film coming to light that shows him using the n-word, Jeremy Clarkson has announced that he is to stand as an MP for Ukip in the Newark by-election.
“We’re delighted,” said Nigel Farage. ‘Ukip was been watching Jeremy’s performance for some time – an ignorant comment about Islam here, a Hitler salute there – and at last he’s met the required standards of racism to represent the party.” Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment, News, Politics
1% of voters have spotted the similarity
A poll published today has revealed that the main reason that voters are will vote for UKIP at the European Parliament election is simply to annoy and confuse the leaders of the mainstream parties.
“Whilst I regard UKIP as directly descended from the Monster Raving Loony Party, and I don’t agree with any of their views, the idea of seriously irritating the right-on, toffee nosed Tories, Lib Dems and Laborites really appeals to me,” said Dave Zhou, a typical voter from Harold. “I’d much rather vote for a quasi-racist millionaire stock broker.”
Oi, Farage. In the almost words of Lieutenant Ripley: Get away from him, you bitch!
It’s the craze that’s sweeping the nation! Ukip Bingo is fast, furious (about immigrants) and fun! Every time a Ukip councillor or prospective Ukip MEP tweets/says something abominable whip out your free Evening Harold Ukip Bingo card and as the press react and Ukip go on the defensive it’s eyes down for a full house!
It’s new, it’s crazy, and in the run up to the European elections you can play every day! Continue reading
Filed under Politics
Nigel Garage, the formerly French-sounding leader of UKIP, has been explaining to the press why he changed his name by deed poll.
Waving a little Union Flag and talking in cockney, Garage (now pronounced ‘garridge’) claimed that he was broadening his appeal to the sort of low-thinking, closet racist who won’t eat lasagne because it ‘sounds too foreign’.
“It always infuriated me that people in UK call centres had to ask me how I spelled my name”, said Garage. “But so far, they’ve had no problem with the new one. And I have to say, it does seem to be a rather apt choice. The last chap I spoke to said he ‘could just imagine driving his car into me’.”
Continue reading
Or did he? Does this face say honesty and trust to you? We’re not sure.
There is consternation inside Number 10 today as Nigel Farage has finally proved his fitness to play a top flight role in British politics by fiddling his expenses (allegedly) and then adamantly denying that he’s done anything wrong. Continue reading
Filed under Politics
Clegg is ‘almost certain’ his voter is still out there
Environment department Defra has said ‘very high’ levels of pollution, not seen in the UK since the evening of 26th March, would spread inexorably over the whole country today, from an epicentre near to the BBC’s Television Centre, shortly after 1900 hours BST.
“Those with blood pressure or heart disease or of a nervous disposition are urged to avoid watching any TV from 7 o’clock this evening.” said a Defra spokesperson. “BBC2 viewers will be most at risk but the damage will certainly spread onto news and current affairs programmes across all networks. Make it 6.30 to be on the safe side.” Continue reading
Cameron ‘would be happy’ to share Number 10 with Farage.
With just days to go until a TV debate between Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage, Prime Minister David Cameron revealed that he ‘would be happy to vote UKIP’.
“UKIP’s beliefs are remarkably similar to those of the traditional tory voter”, explained Cameron. “But they focus on the beliefs we wouldn’t dare admit to.”
Anti-Europe, anti-immigration and anti-foreign aid, UKIP ‘is like catnip’ to many members of Cameron’s cabinet. “Obviously, in public we have to denounce all of UKIP’s awful, bigoted policies”, said William Hague. “But that doesn’t mean that in private, we can’t try and vote them in.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Cameron admits: ‘I would vote UKIP’
Filed under Entertainment, Politics
Mornings are not the time to have to cope with George Osborne’s face so here’s a picture of your reporter’s cat instead.
Elderly bigots across the country are enjoying their first full day of gains from a budget designed especially for them.
“This is a budget for the makers, the doers and most especially anyone who was thinking of voting Ukip in 2015,” said George Osborne. “We’re putting Britain further to the right, but the job is far from done.”
Osborne’s budget took 5p off the cover price of both the Daily Mail and the Daily Telegraph, put a cap on the top price of World at War boxsets and abolished VAT on golfing equipment as well as on clothes bought at garden centres.
“Both the Tories and Ukip get the majority of their votes from the over fifty-fives,” explained the Chancellor. “This gave the budget a clear goal: appeal to the loons and sod everyone else. This isn’t about the standard of living or safe-guarding jobs this is about my standard of living and safe-guarding my job.”
However Osborne has denied that his budget was entirely focussed on wooing Ukip.
“I took a penny off a pint of beer and halved the duty on bingo. That’s what the proles like, isn’t it? Maybe next year I’ll also include something about football and tanning machines. That ought to do the trick.”
At the time of going to press no Ukip spokesperson was available for comment as they were too busy blaming the first day of spring on the fact that homosexuals can get married and resenting that the countryside is once more becoming bright and gay.
There was a further blow to PM David Cameron’s pledges on immigration yesterday when it was revealed that the Romanian version of pensioners’ favourite, ‘Escape to the Country’, consistently promotes the England as the best country for economic refugees seeking a fresh start.
The show, which has become a cult classic at the GCHQ reconnaissance centre, follows a similar format to the British version but instead of looking at homes, prospective emigrant couples are shown around three countries, two meeting their exact specifications and then a mystery country which is a little different and always turns out to be England.
In the programme we watched, Natalia and Ovidiu Demestrescu from Bucharest told a Romanian Aled Jones that they were looking for a European country with character, period features and good social services to accommodate the six children they were planning. They had a budget of zero to play with.
Continue reading
Even Farage's pets had skeletons in their closets
With potential Ukip members now being asked to make sure they have no ‘skeletons in their closets’, museums up and down the UK are preparing for an unprecedented amount of new artifacts to display.
The new rules for potential candidates includes declarations such as “I have never been engaged in… racist activity”, “I do not have any skeletons in the cupboard”, and “I have never, in any way, acted like Godfrey Bloom”.
This move by the party has led to the hurried emptying of closets that has left the Harold Natural History Museum inundated with artifacts to add to its otherwise mundane collection.
The wages of sin is this face on our televisions forever.
Piers Morgan has been axed from CNN and will undoubtedly be returning to live and work in the UK. As most Britons consider packing a case and heading for the exits one Ukip councillor has blamed this latest blow to the nation’s morale on David Cameron and the legalisation of gay marriage. Continue reading
Comments Off on Ukip councillor blames gay marriage for Piers Morgan returning to the UK
Filed under News, Politics, Showbusiness
You must be logged in to post a comment.