Farage expresses his opinion.
In yet another popularist move, UKIP Party leader, Nigel Farage has promised to withdrawn Britian from the Eurovision Song Contest if he is elected to power.
“It’s an embarrassing spectacle,” he said, “and Britain should not be shaming itself by camping it up with the very worse of Europe. Especially when we have no chance of winning.”
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Filed under News, Politics, Showbusiness
After me…
Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi arrived at a specialist brothel near Milan on Friday to start a year of community service.
He was sentenced to four years in prison for tax fraud last year, but after consideration was given to his age and special requirements, this was commuted to forty hours work a week with barely legal teenage prostitutes.
The brothel says the 77-year-old will be treated “like any other raving pervert”. Continue reading
Albert, this morning
Residents of the village of Harold were today coming to terms with the untimely and tragic death of “Albert”, a much-loved local personality and ant.
Albert had long been one of Harold’s most popular insects, and his cheerful six-legged figure was a common sight scurrying in at open windows, devouring sweet things in local larders and listening to his favourite band, which was of course eighties glam new romantics Spandau Ballet. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime
“Yeah, I know people died for my right to vote but I’m comfy.”
Things are looking good for Nigel Farage as Ukip are set to triumph in the European elections on May 22nd. Despite his party attracting significant opposition in the press and across social media it seems that no one who dislikes what Ukip stand for can actually be arsed to vote. Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
More harmful than smoking #FACT
Many of us are being exposed to the Daily Mail unawares a report published today confirms. By not explicitly labelling content from the Daily Mail as reactionary bobbins people are exposed to a harmful cocktail of misogyny, xenophobia and many other shabby things ending in -ist, -ia and -ic. Continue reading
Hello, how can I snuffle snuffle snuffle snuffle?
Bank of Harold bosses have dismissed as ‘scaremongering’ union claims that customer service would be affected following the bank’s move to replace all call centre staff with a large colony of badgers.
Bank chiefs insist that it is unrealistic to expect to pay human wages in the current economic climate, and point out that the considerable savings made will be sufficient to safeguard the bonus structure for several years to come.
“The real beauty of the plan is that badgers don’t require money,” explained CEO Howard Bing. “In fact, they have no concept of finance whatsoever, preferring an entirely slug- and beetle-based economy, where immediate consumption is very much the norm. And with the slug/pound exchange rate where it is right now, we’re quids in.”
Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Business
“Try sacking me now, ****ers!”
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Filed under Entertainment, News
“The lies I told about Iraq were this big…”
During his phone-in on LBC today Boris Johnson, a clever man pretending to be a golden retriever pretending to be an idiot, described Tony Blair as an “eel-like customer”. And in doing so lent a fresh dignity to British politics. Continue reading
A cold block of stone with an empty tomb for a heart
Jobseekers face losing their benefits for three months if they refuse to take roles as pyramid-building slaves, a letter from a Conservative minister has revealed.
For the first time, benefit claimants are at risk of penalties if they do not apply for and accept zero-hours contracts moving giant blocks of stone on crude wooden rollers under the harsh Egyptian sun, according to the new universal credit system.
Last week, the Office of National Statistics revealed that the number of contracts which do not guarantee minimum hours but do guarantee you having your back ripped open by whips while slowly dying of dehydration has reached 1.4 million. Continue reading
Oh, what a beauty.
Scores of local athletes spent their bank holiday taking part in Harold village’s famous tossing competition. The old Harold contest involves participants tossing the locally-grown knob of Mayor Rufus D. Jackson as hard as possible.
The tradition goes back many years, but historians believe it was invented by Mayor Jackson himself, during a dry spell. This year’s winner, Norman Bunting, produced a record-breaking toss, the results easily clearing the cricket pavilion roof.
‘Hard crusted’
Women’s Institute President and toss organsiser Marjorie Houndstooth explained the rules of the competition: “The knob must be tossed underarm with a firm grip, and at least one of Mayor Jackson’s feet must remain on the ground at all times.”
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Filed under Around Harold, DNA, Sport
The King hears the news and weeps
News of his casting is certain to cause a backlash of indignation amongst fans of ‘The King’ but it is believed producers were swayed by his excellent miming performance in the movie ‘Rock of Ages’ and the fact that he can supply all of his own wigs.
Filed under News, Showbusiness
Not you, Dave. Not you.
Thumbs up for Stephen: https://www.justgiving.com/stephen-sutton-tct
After Clifford and Saville other subjects of Louis Theroux documentaries must be getting a tad uncomfortable…
The UK experienced a slight IQ boost today as media ghoul and convicted sex offender Max Clifford was sentenced to eight years in prison for indecent assault. Without him and his particular brand of tell-all sleaze experts are predicting that the news is going to be a little less stupid until 2022. Continue reading
Filed under breaking news, Entertainment
Chim Chim my arse!
The National Portrait Gallery has admitted that the £10 million campaign to keep Van Dyck’s final self-portrait in the country might not have been good value.
“We were under the impression that this was a 17th century Flemish masterpiece,” explained gallery director Paul Nunney, “But it appears possible that it might actually be a more recent work.”
Dick Van Dyke was perhaps the foremost of the Baroque artists, who became the leading court painter in England after enjoying great success in Italy and Flanders, and was particularly known for his snazzy dance routines and convincing cockney accent.
BBC Arts editor Will Gompertz agreed that there was some uncertainty about the provenance of the painting (pictured above), but pointed out that Van Dyke is credited with having had a revolutionary affect on British portraiture, turning away from the formal Tudor approach, towards a more fluid, modern style, adding: “Me ol’ bam-boo, me ol’ bamboo, You’d better never bother with me ol’ bamboo.”
A gallery spokesman admitted this morning: “On closer examination of the work, there would seem to be the possibility that this has been a Supercalifragilisticexpialifuckup.”
Filed under Art, Showbusiness
The patron saint of pub bores
In the wake of film coming to light that shows him using the n-word, Jeremy Clarkson has announced that he is to stand as an MP for Ukip in the Newark by-election.
“We’re delighted,” said Nigel Farage. ‘Ukip was been watching Jeremy’s performance for some time – an ignorant comment about Islam here, a Hitler salute there – and at last he’s met the required standards of racism to represent the party.” Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment, News, Politics
1% of voters have spotted the similarity
A poll published today has revealed that the main reason that voters are will vote for UKIP at the European Parliament election is simply to annoy and confuse the leaders of the mainstream parties.
“Whilst I regard UKIP as directly descended from the Monster Raving Loony Party, and I don’t agree with any of their views, the idea of seriously irritating the right-on, toffee nosed Tories, Lib Dems and Laborites really appeals to me,” said Dave Zhou, a typical voter from Harold. “I’d much rather vote for a quasi-racist millionaire stock broker.”
We’re not shallow, we love him for his mind.
George Clooney has made his engagement to human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin official. The actor had long been regarded as the ultimate catch and now he’s no longer available millions of women worldwide are grateful to be able to at last pile on the pounds and go a bit shabby. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
Oi, Farage. In the almost words of Lieutenant Ripley: Get away from him, you bitch!
It’s the craze that’s sweeping the nation! Ukip Bingo is fast, furious (about immigrants) and fun! Every time a Ukip councillor or prospective Ukip MEP tweets/says something abominable whip out your free Evening Harold Ukip Bingo card and as the press react and Ukip go on the defensive it’s eyes down for a full house!
It’s new, it’s crazy, and in the run up to the European elections you can play every day! Continue reading
Filed under Politics
It had been thought that the letter sold for a record £119,000 at the weekend had been the last letter written from the Titanic, but now another letter has surfaced which was not only being written at the moment of impact with the iceberg but also includes the first written instance of the acronym ‘WTF’.
“This is a really exciting find,” said auctioneer Jack Hamburg of auctioneers Hamburg & Grunter. “The letter actually refers to the iceberg itself, before moving into the all-important WTF, which makes it stand above the other tat that is usually associated with the old legend.”
Continue reading
No good ever comes from titles that end in exclamation marks. Apart from Westward Ho! We love it there.
The former archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, has told the Evening Harold that Britain is in a “post-Cowell era”. He cited the closure of the X-Factor musical I Can’t Sing after just six weeks in the West End as proof that people no longer believe in Simon Cowell in the great numbers they once did. Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment
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