Tag Archives: Evening Harold

Farage vetoes unhappy Gove’s bid to defect to UKIP

Farage gives his opinion on Gove (pot & kettle?)

Farage gives his opinion on Gove (pot & kettle?)

The corridors of Westminster were reeling last night following the astonishing revelation that a disillusioned Michael Gove recently attempted to join UKIP and, even more amazingly, his application was rejected personally by leader Nigel Farage.

Once the class swot, it was known that the former Education Secretary had felt side-lined since his demotion to Westminster dorm monitor so the news that he had been actively seeking a new position was not a huge surprise; but the question every political commentator wanted answered yesterday was, ‘Why had the UKIP hierarchy decided not to hire Gove?

The answer came last night at throwing out time at Farage’s favourite hostelry, known locally as The Xenophobe Arms. Besieged by journalists, Nigel Farage held an impromptu press conference.

“It’s all about image,” he started.  “We want to show we are a serious political party so we can’t just allow anyone to join.  In fact you could say we at UKIP have our own immigration policy,” he added jovially.” Continue reading

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Disappointing friends still sharing Britain First posts

Sad poppy, slumped in despair, yesterday

Stupid friends you have on Facebook are persisting in sharing Britain First’s posts, despite it being obvious that the organisation is a bunch of Nazi fuckwits, it emerged today. The arrival of remembrance season has made your less intelligent acquaintances even more tiresome than usual, with many happy to share a photo of Hitler provided it has a poppy and a starving dog in the picture.

Hopes had been high that even the most disappointing of your friends would have realised by now that sharing these posts is the online equivalent of wearing your own faeces as a hat, but sadly the penny seems yet to drop.
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Filed under Politics, Social media

Labour to gender-swap Ed Miliband in the hope of gaining voter support

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We can’t imagine where they got the idea

In response to his continual failure to be in any way believable as a human being, the Labour Party are to gender-swap Ed Miliband. Voting for Miliband to be Prime Minister is currently nestling between being sicked on on the nightbus and taking a long steamy shower with Piers Morgan on the official list of the top one hundred things no one ever wants to do. Continue reading

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Filed under Politics

Man Utd and Liverpool to join Scottish League

gaal

Er, hoots mon?

Following a string of disappointing results, Manchester United and Liverpool have applied to join the Scottish Premiership, it was revealed today. An initial approach has been made to begin playing in Scotland as soon as possible, starting next season, or even in the middle of this one, if no-one minds.

“We can’t see any practical problems with this. If Berwick are allowed to play in the Scottish league, I don’t see why we’re any different,” insisted Liverpool manager Brendan Rogers. “It’s like Hamilton, they’re in New Zealand, according to Google, and no-one complains about them.”

“The Scottish Premiership has long been considered an easy option, lacking any serious challenge,” he explained. “And that’s just what we’re looking for.” Continue reading

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Benedict Cumberbatch the Musical opens in London

Benedict Cumberbatch is an ordained minister

It features the heart-rendering ballad Don’t Cry for Me, Martin Freeman

Benedict Cumberbatch the Musical has its première in the West End tonight setting what many are calling the biggest tourist and hen night trap since A Midsummer Night’s Sheeran.

“I’ve done Jesus, I’ve done Eva Peron, now it’s time to do a true legend,” said composer Andrew Lloyd Webber. “Audiences are going to be swept along by the rags-to-riches story as just like Jean Valjean, Benedict grows up in Kensington, attends Harrow then both Manchester University and LAMDA. Finally with just all the contacts he’s made plus both his parents being actors he somehow manages to break into show business. Remarkable.” Continue reading

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George R R Martin announces he’ll write entire next Game of Thrones book in National Novel Writing Month

George_R_R_Martin

Let’s see, “Chapter One”

Game of Thrones author George R R Martin announced today that the long-awaited next novel in the series will be available much earlier than anticipated, as he is going to write the whole thing during National Novel Writing Month this November.

This marks something of a change in writing style for Martin, given that he usually takes up to ten years to complete a novel.

When asked to explain his reasons for upping the pace so dramatically, Martin confessed that after several years of pretending, he has still not actually written a word of the next book, and sees ‘NaNoWriMo’ as his last chance.

“I can’t cope with all the lies anymore,” he confessed. “I’ve been doing all these interviews saying how well it’s going and let me finish at my own pace – haven’t written a bloody word. This novel writing month gives me a chance to catch up. Big month, bang it out, bish bash bosh.” Continue reading

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Filed under Culture

Robbie Williams manages to make childbirth more painful

'Robbie Williams shared photos and videos of himself and Ayda Field in the delivery suite.'

Actually, yes. It is all about me. It always is.

Robbie Williams tried to distract his wife Ayda from her recent  labour pains, with a spirited rendition of his hit song ‘Candy’ whilst she was in the maternity suite. “It was difficult to tell if it was working, because she usually whimpers when I’m performing.” said Williams.

The celebrity couple’s second child made a much-delayed appearance at Dunstable Royal Infirmary maternity unit as nurse Ærndís Vigfusson explained. “We’d already seen the baby’s head. But when Mr Williams started prancing about, the wee mite crawled back up the birth canal.
We had to coax him back out with some jelly tots and an exclusive contract with ‘Hello’ magazine.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, music, News

Government to execute donkey a day until we exercise: obesity crisis solved

pony008

Go for a walk or Hoofs McGee here gets it

A radical solution to the epidemic of obesity that has seen the UK increasingly resemble a badly dressed Moominland comes into force today. For every day that those declared by their doctors to be both fat and lazy refuse to exercise a government appointed executioner will shoot a donkey. Continue reading

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Filed under Health

Brendan Rodgers angry that his new cat is behaving like a cat

Idiot

Idiot

Brendan Rodgers is said to be ‘furious’ after the cat that he got to replace his dog in the summer insisted on acting like a cat.

The Liverpool manager had a great time last year with his dog, Luis, who would happily chase a ball around for up to an hour and a half at a time and run around all over the place. When Luis moved on to a new home Rodgers bizarrely decided to get a cat, called Mario, and attempt to train him to act like a dog. He has since been hugely disappointed by Mario’s tendency to laze around all day and occasionally lick his own arse. Continue reading

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Badgers demand human cull to prevent spread of Ebola

Revenge? Moi?

Revenge? Moi?

Increasingly concerned at the impending threat of the Ebola virus, badger community leaders have called for the introduction of a human culling programme.

“We’re proposing an initial pilot programme,” Furry Rita told us yesterday, “by having marksmen to shoot the pilots of the planes that seem to be bringing in the virus into the country. The pilots may not have Ebola themselves, but they are obviously carriers so need to be eliminated for the good of everyone else.”

“Of course we’ve no idea how much humans spread Ebola,” continued Rita, the co-leader of the Harold Woods badger colony, “but Continue reading

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Paralysed man walks again: Iain Duncan Smith hails breakthrough in anti-scrounger technology

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

Iain and Iain are pleased

Iain Duncan Smith  has said that he’s “overjoyed” that a man, Darek Fidyka, who was completely paralysed can walk again after an incredible scientific breakthrough as it brings Duncan Smith’s dream of eradicating scroungers significantly closer. Continue reading

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Filed under Medicine, Politics

British music murdered: it was Mike Read at the Ukip conference with a calypso

Grave

In affectionate remembrance of British popular music which died yesterday at Ukip’s hands, 20th October, 2014. Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances. The body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Paul McCartney

Ukip has killed British popular music. By releasing as a single a calypso sung by Mike Read in a faux West Indian accent so cringe-worthy it can kill gerbils and stop time then insisting that it’s witty and not at all racist the kippers have killed a much loved but ailing art form stone dead. Continue reading

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NHS set to offer tape worms to fatties instead of gastric bands

Timmy the Tapeworm ..... and host

Timmy the Tapeworm ….. and host

Instead of spending thousands of pounds on expensive surgery, the NHS is understood to be planning to provide obese patients with their own pet tape worm.

No invasive procedures are required in this breakthrough treatment. In trials, the tape worm was introduced to the patient disguised in a cream cake.  There was one unfortunate incident when a worm was ingested via a burger, but officials at the Dunstable & District General have stressed this was an isolated incident and the kitchen hygiene policy is now being observed.

“At first I was gutted to find I was being given a tape worm instead of a posh gastric band,” said Harold resident  Jane Fondant

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Filed under Health, Motoring, News

Pistorius sentenced to 15-year sentencing hearing

pistorius_sentencing

Not so fast…

South African athlete Oscar Pistorius’ punishment for culpable homicide has been announced as spending the next 15 years in a sentencing hearing.

The sentence will be reduced by two years to take into account the time Pistorius has already spent being sentenced.

The athlete’s defence team had argued that he should be freed on house arrest, given that the prolonged length of the sentencing so far, plus the decades that his trial lasted meaning that he was now in his eighties and unlikely to kill again. Some commentators have been critical of the length of the legal proceedings against Mr Pistorius, but the sheer relief of being able to go to the bathroom unslain largely outweighs this.

When asked by the judge his opinion on killing time, Pistorius remarked that the middle of the night suited him perfectly well, as there were fewer witnesses around.

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Terrorists threaten to attack UK by washing uncooked chicken

A terrorist, yesterday

A terrorist, yesterday

The terror threat level to the UK was today raised to the highest level since the Iraq war after suspicions grew that terrorists might have been reading all the recent articles about the deadly peril of washing uncooked chicken.

It is now known that washing raw chicken releases tiny water droplets filled with extreme poison into your kitchen, killing you and all your family instantly. Until this fact was established by government scientists, there was no explanation for the mysterious spate of deaths affecting everyone in the country who cooked chicken.

“Raw chicken washing-related deaths were running at approximately five million per year, in London alone,” explained chief government medical officer Brian Panic. “We’d always wondered why this might be, but no-one had ever put two and two together, despite the obvious presence of freshly washed chicken fillets near all the bodies.” Continue reading

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Ched Evans urges public to ‘think hard’ over re-electing Nick Clegg

Not a suitable role model

Not a suitable role model

Convicted rapist Ched Evans has urged the public to “think really long and hard” before voting for Nick Clegg again in upcoming elections.

Evans, a Wales international footballer who was jailed in 2012 for raping a 19-year-old woman, said “When you elect an MP, you are not just taking on a representative for your community, you are electing a role model. You have to ask yourself ‘do this man’s actions over the last few years make him the sort of person we want our kids looking up to?’ and I would suggest the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” Continue reading

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Supermarkets under fire for ‘Morning Sickness Kate’ Halloween costume

uhbr1030l_10ltr_bucket_redBritain’s biggest retailers are today coming under pressure to withdraw from sale a Halloween costume that allows wearers to pretend to be the Duchess of Cambridge suffering from severe morning sickness. Continue reading

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Granny’s sliding out with a grin: NHS launch window exit scheme to free up beds

hospitalThe NHS has rolled out a fast-track evacuation service to get patients out of bed and on their way home in a matter of seconds by fitting airplane-style slides to the windows of every hospital.  Continue reading

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Bono says sorry his genius can’t be fully appreciated

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You’ve let yourselves down but worse you’ve let him down

U2 frontman Bono has filmed an apology for the gift many iTunes users found to be their most unwelcome since chlamydia when all 500 million of them were given U2’s new album.

“I’m sorry people can’t appreciate my genius and the remarkable gift I gave unto them,” he said before raising his right hand and clicking his fingers. “Every time I do this a child in Africa says ‘why is this shite in my iTunes library’ and deletes Songs of Innocence. It’s probably something to do with their ears and such. Together, we can use your money to help these kids to grow and fully grasp the wonder of me.” Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment

Waitrose trial bouncers in stores to keep out ‘wrong sort of customer’

I don't care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you're not coming in

I don’t care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you’re not coming in

Supermarket chain Waitrose have introduced bouncers onto the doors of their Leighton Buzzard store in an attempt to ensure that only ‘the right sort of person’ shops there.

The trial, which if successful will be extended to all Waitrose stores, is aiming to provide traditional Waitrose customers with a more pleasant shopping experience, and is based around a ‘think 25’ policy. If the bouncers suspect that a customer earns less than £40k a year they will refuse them entry unless they can prove that they earn more than £25k. Continue reading

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