Tag Archives: christmas

by | November 25, 2014 · 7:00 am

‘Trend towards two-turkey Christmas’ claim turkey farmers

turkey

A Christmas dinner, yesterday.

On-trend families will present two turkeys for dinner this Christmas, according to experts at Britain’s turkey farms.

While one enormous, dry bird might have sufficed in the old days, stylish people are set to ‘gobble gobble’ this year.

“Imagine you’re sat amongst your loved ones, contentedly sweating off your traditional Christmas dinner”, said Harold farmer Dave Evans. “You’ve put away over 18 pounds of festive fowl between you.”

“Everyone is smiling and wheezing and undoing the top button on their big pants. Now picture their faces, when you whip out a second beige monster.”
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by | August 19, 2014 · 11:00 am

Now Sainsbury’s decides not to sell Christmas items for fear of offending anyone

Never knowingly upsetting

Never knowingly upsetting

Straight after the news that Sainsbury’s had withdrawn all meat products, due to concerns about protesting vegetarians, and vegetables due to fears of upsetting meat eaters, the retail giant has announced they will not stock any Christmas related items in the run up to December 25th.

“It wasn’t an easy decision,” said a spokesperson, “ the run up to Christmas is usually our busiest time, but the majority of our customers aren’t real Christians and we didn’t want them to become upset and start cutting people’s heads off and putting the footage on twitter. That wouldn’t be great publicity, would it?” Continue reading →

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by | March 8, 2014 · 4:02 pm

Dyson solves yet another problem you didn’t know you had

'dyson'on hat

Getting your suitcase may take a while

Inventor James Dyson, who winters in Harold, has outlined the genesis of his latest ‘WTF is that?’ product.

“When I  got the Christmas lights down from the loft, the ladder was really cold.  Some dolt had only gone and stuffed loads of fibreglass wool above the bedroom ceilings, blocking  heat from downstairs! So  I whacked two 15 kilowatt radiators into the loft for a quick-fix.”

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by | December 26, 2013 · 7:00 am

UK public disappointed in attempts to return unwanted politicians

I'll take a refund but I don't want to exchange her for another one

I’ll take a refund but I don’t want to exchange her for another one

Enterprising members of the public have been left disappointed after attempting to return unwanted MPs along with unwanted Christmas presents this morning.

Many people hit on the idea of returning their local MP along with the new jumper that is several sizes too small, but stores are refusing to refund or even exchange politicians as they claim it is “not their place to do so”. Continue reading →

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by | December 25, 2013 · 3:00 pm

Eddie’s Christmas Speech

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“Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” Benjamin Franklin

This past year has been an interesting one for The Squirrel Lickers and I. We have welcomed many new drinkers, especially on tribute nites, and have been witness to a wonderful array of evenings full of fellowship and friendship.

Sadly this year also brought with it some trials both literally (I don’t care that he’s my brother-in-law he was bang out of order and the judge agreed) and emotionally when The Squirrel Lickers become the first pub ever to get a negative score on a hygiene inspection. That was an especial disappointment as I had taken great care to both greet the inspectors and to bribe them handsomely. Even providing thick slices of the famous Harold Pie lovingly created from an ancient recipe and featuring no less than fourteen types of plants and wildlife that today hover on the brink of extinction due to mass over-consumption plus several others now regrettably reclassified as toxic.

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by | December 23, 2013 · 7:00 am

Retailers prepare for another busy Christmas shopping day, Man Monday

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Garages expect their peak trading to be 7pm Christmas Eve

After Cyber Monday and Black Friday, two of the biggest shopping days online and on the High Street, shops and garages all over the UK are bracing themselves for Man Monday. The day, which this year falls just two days before Christmas, sees 90% of men start their Christmas shopping.

The British Retail Consortium say although this may not be the most profitable day of the shopping year, it is a great chance for them to get rid of the tat that didn’t sell before the Boxing Day sales.

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by | December 15, 2013 · 2:13 pm

Facebook ‘auto-suggest’ means no Chris will be forgotten this Christmas

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With Christmas being one of the most typed words into a status update at the moment, Facebook’s auto-suggest feature is ensuring anyone named Christopher, Chris or Christine will not be forgotten over the festive season.

The feature on the social media platform sees a list of names beginning with Chris pop up every time a user starts typing Christmas.

Facebook’s founder Mark Zuckerberg explained: “We introduced the feature to help users remember their friends’ names each time they bang their fists on the keyboard in an attempt to string a sentence together.
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by | December 7, 2013 · 10:00 am

Harry Styles releases new autobiography “What I’ve done since last Thursday”

Sorry, wrong book. It's difficult to keep up.

Sorry, wrong book. It’s difficult to keep up.

One Direction singer, Harry Styles, has today released his 23rd autobiography since finding fame on the X Factor five years ago. “What I’ve done since last Thursday” promises to be the most revealing book since his last one, which was released two weeks earlier.

“This is me, by me, in my own words. Well, somebody else’s words, I didn’t actually do the writing. But I told him stuff and I fully endorse it and will be getting most of the money from it.” confirmed Styles, “This book lets people have a real insight into my world over the last week, and reveals things like why I chose what I did for dinner on Friday.” Continue reading →

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by | December 2, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Aldi employ sheepdogs to ‘herd’ customers around their shops

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Discount supermarket, Aldi, has announced its plan to get customers in and out as quickly as possible in the run up to Christmas. From Thursday stores will employ sheepdogs to herd people around the stores and to the tills.

“We often see an increase in customers this time of year, and many are here for first time,” joint chief executive, Matthew Barnes said.

“We make no money from people standing around in the aisles or taking time to read the ingredients, so we have partially trained Bull Terriers to herd them round as quickly as possible.
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by | November 20, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Harold traders dreaming of a tearful Christmas

tears

Crying is now a Christmas tradition.

Harold’s local businesses are taking their lead from some of the countries leading retailers and trying their hardest to reduce their customers to tears in a hope to increase Christmas sales.

Chamber of Commerce Chairwoman Pippa Delaney explained the initiative.

“The idea came to me watching my husband dissolve into a whimpering wreck after the John Lewis and Sainsbury’s contrived tear jerkers. I pitched it to the rest of the Chamber, and we soon came up with some really good ideas to get our punters weeping.”

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by | November 11, 2013 · 11:15 am

Relief as ‘let’s get Christmas out the way first’ becomes legitimate excuse once more

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Your work ethic between November 12th and January 2nd.

There have been long drawn-out sighs of quiet satisfaction across the nation this morning as the realisation dawned that ‘let’s get Christmas out the way first’ can once again be used as a legitimate excuse not to do anything.

“We had the two minutes silence for Armistice Day,” said Harold estate agent Gill Gates. “And then I thought that’s it. We’ve done Hallowe’en, we’ve commemorated Remembrance Sunday and Armistice Day, we’re on the home stretch to Christmas so it’s time to put the kettle on and spend the rest of the morning on Facebook.” Continue reading →

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by | November 6, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Generic Celebrity decides to ‘put the record straight’ in new book, just before Christmas

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After years giving interviews, being on television and releasing press releases to respond to every news story ever written about them, Generic Celebrity has taken the bold decision to ‘put the record straight’ in a new book, just before Christmas.

“My reputation in the press is well known” Generic Celebrity told us. “I have often been accused of spending money, having sex, and occasionally being in a bad mood. Now it’s time I stuck up for myself and put my side of the story across, just before Christmas.

“Sure I could use my public profile to do it in interviews and through the press for free, but I think it will be far more dignified if I do it in a £14.99 book just in time for people spending money on frivilous shit, just before Christmas”.

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