Before the financial crisis rain and puddles were fun.
The BBC have defended their new show Famous, Rich and Sat Naked in a Puddle against allegations that it is nothing more than poverty porn. Producer Richard McKerrow has denied that teaming celebrities with “naked losers” and filming them sitting together sans clothes in a puddle for seven days is in any way exploitative or demeaning. Continue reading
Comments Off on BBC defends new show: ‘Famous, Rich and Sat Naked in a Puddle’
Filed under Entertainment
Please don’t try this at home. Or in Rio. Please.
Plans to rationalise Olympic judging will see many of this month’s winter games’ scoring systems being adopted at the proper Olympics in Rio 2016. “Here in Sochi, how good you look is at least as important as the more workaday factors such as speed and distance.” says IOC President Thomas Bach “I’m not sure about girth though, let me get back to you on that”.
“Ski jumping for instance is assessed on ‘style’ during take-off, flight and landing, plus a small proportion of marks allocated for distance actually travelled.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Olympics shock: ‘Mo Farah may never win another medal’
Filed under International News, News, Sport
Landing gear down. Now where’s that runway?
The Teach First initiative, currently being documented in BBC3′ ‘Tough Young Teachers’, is now offering franchises in other disciplines including Flying Big Airplanes and Open-heart Surgery (beginners). The underpinning principle of Teach First is that top graduates can be fast-tracked into front-line teaching on the back of six weeks training. Michael Gove is a keen supporter of the scheme, reasoning that as his own career was built on a short ‘Teach Yourself Journalism’ correspondence course, learning how to teach children must be a doddle.
“A big advantage of this nice cheap set-up” says Gove “is that Trainees learn just enough to pick up some flashy headline-grabbing tricks – but not quite enough to realise how little they actually know. It’s a very fine line for our Trainers to walk and of course they’ve had lengthy training for their role”. Continue reading
Following the passing of Roger Lloyd-Pack, the BBC have announced they have already found a replacement for Trigger in the Sports Relief Only Fools and Horses episode due later this year.
“We were looking for some who could portray a character that is very popular despite being a bit dim” the BBC said in a statement.
“It was at that point David Beckham walked in a started peeing in a plant pot in the corner of the room before washing his hands on Nicholas Lindhurst.” Continue reading
Comments Off on BBC find their new ‘Trigger’
Filed under Culture, International News, Lifestyle, News, Sport
The BBC have found themselves in hot water again with Lord McAlpine after incorrectly announcing he was dead. The announcement is thought by some to be a knee jerk reaction to criticism they failed to cover the death of Elvis properly in the 1970s.
“We would like to apologise to Lord McAlpine for accusing him of being dead,” the director General said. “He can rest assured he will be getting a large payment usually reserved for sacked employees. Again.”
Comments Off on Lord McAlpine sues again after BBC accuse him of being dead
Filed under breaking news, Culture, News
Fingers pointed at Mock The Week
As embittered former Home Secretary David Blunkett calls for satirical television programmes such as Mock The Week to face tougher scrutiny from libel lawyers, other sourpuss victims of the BBC show’s lazy humour are urging government media watchdogs to go further and investigate the ‘suspicious’ scoring system used by the BBC on the show.
An unlikely ‘Coalition of the Mocked’, including pop-star Justin Bieber, former deputy PM John Prescott and Muslim cleric Abu Hamza have called the show’s integrity into question and say that point scoring is arbitrary at best, and at worst could be fixed, which would ‘seriously undermine viewer trust in the Corporation’.
Media insiders say that the BBC, already reeling from the controversy over executive pay-offs and the Jimmy Savile scandals, will do anything to avoid another parliamentary enquiry and are doing their best to block this, but they could be powerless in the face of a damning dossier prepared by the group.
Comments Off on ‘Mock the Week’ scoring fixed say Abu Hamza, Prescott, Bieber
Filed under Art, Culture, Politics, Showbusiness
Biggs – pictured shortly after his ‘death’
The authenticity of the news of the death of Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has been surrounded by mystery since the announcement of his demise so neatly ties in with the BBC mini-series screening of a drama about the ‘so called’ Great Train Robbery.
Having been released from prison on ‘compassionate grounds’, Biggs’ remarkable recovery from ‘death’s door’ in 2009 was bound to raise speculation that his current ‘death’ was no more than another publicity scam for one final payday from the BBC. Continue reading
Filed under Crime, News, Showbusiness
In what some are calling “the custody battle of the century”, Andy Murray has been awarded the Sports Personality Of The Year in an attempt to secure his full British status after Scottish independence.
“We have given him the award to recognise his amazing achievements over the last year” the British said. “And make sure we have him Monday to Friday, but we are willing to let Scotland have him at weekends and Boxing Day.”
Comments Off on Independence custody battle starts as Andy Murray awarded Sports Personality Of The Year
Filed under Culture, Entertainment, News, Sport
Agnes Brown pictured looking happier than Her Majesty ever does.
There have been howls of outrage from traditionalists this morning following the BBC’s announcement that it has scrapped the Queen’s Christmas Day speech in favour of one from Mrs Agnes Brown instead.
“We’re not dumbing down or chasing ratings,” said Tony Hall, Director General of the BBC. “Times are tough for a lot of people so we thought it would be more appropriate for them to be addressed by a feisty lower-class housewife with a twinkle in her eye rather than a fabulously rich monarch whose television manner is as cold as the battlements of the castle she’s filmed in.” Continue reading
Comments Off on One is feckin’ sacked: Queen ditched from Christmas speech and replaced by Mrs Brown
Filed under Royals, Showbusiness
What did you do during the war programme, daddy?
Complaints have flooded in to the BBC website, after it was revealed that the war wasn’t mentioned for nearly a whole afternoon.
Despite Britain being in Europe and us All Being Friends Now, it’s generally accepted that the Nazi Menace should be dwelled upon on at least every hour and more often at weekends.
“I was appalled”, revealed local pensioner Doris Kettle. “I rely on the BBC’s Rolling Old News Channel for some comfort in these unthreatening times. But then last Thursday, they didn’t so much as a mention rationing or them brainboxes in Bletchley. They should warn us if they’re not going to do that: I assumed the war had restarted.”
Doris was eventually tracked down to a corrugated structure in her garden and calmed by relatives who coaxed her out with a banana and an old tin of ham. But that wasn’t before she’d blacked out her windows, killed her pets and reported her neighbour for being a Trotskyist agitator.
Continue reading
Comments Off on Disgust as BBC fails to mention the war for a bit
Filed under Culture, Entertainment, News
With the impending retirement of Matt Smith as Doctor Who, the BBC have commissioned a special, one-off programme to be aired this evening that will announce they have lost the broadcast rights to the cult sci-fi classic.
Following in the footsteps of football, rugby and MotoGP, in-depth coverage of the time-lord’s antics will be fronted by Jake Humphrey on BT’s new television channel.
Comments Off on Doctor Who announcement: BBC lose rights to BT
Filed under Entertainment, News, science, Sport
Britain’s toddlers and babies are making a beeline for the latest ‘must have’ home entertainment craze, following successful trials of the BBC’s new 3D children’s channel.
3D-eebies is available through Freeview, and promises to revolutionise the way children gawp at brightly coloured idiots. But some parents claim that a fully immersive world with undue focus on rainbows could create yet another generation of teenagers who are bored by reality. Continue reading
Comments Off on Tech-savvy toddlers ‘falling over themselves’ for BBC’s 3D-eebies
Filed under Lifestyle, News, Technology, Uncategorized
McCririck may have lied on his CV when he claimed to be ‘not all that weird’
Channel 4 has hailed their sacking of John McCririck as ‘striking a blow against oddballs’, and has urged others saddled with irritating weirdos to do the same.
Turning up for work each day dressed some sort of ‘shit Doctor Who’, no-one can remember how McCririck ever got past the interview process.
But while European law was supposed to stop employers treating normal people like disposable scum, there are fears the same protection has inadvertently been extended to nut-jobs.
“With his hand-tourettes and hair stolen from a badger’s pubic region, no-one in their right mind would justify keeping McCririck”, said a C4 executive.
Unfortunately for the broadcaster McCririck turned out to be quite old. That meant he could claim he wasn’t sacked for his abrasive personality, but because he might die fairly soon.
Continue reading
Comments Off on ‘John McCririck sets precedent for companies to sack weird freaks everywhere’ claims C4
Filed under International News, News, Sport
We’d let him chair our debate any day.
As part of the publicity tour for his new film Will Smith will present Question Time this Thursday. For the past few days the forty-four year old Hollywood star has been an ubiquitous media presence as he whips up enthusiasm for his latest sci-fi epic.
“Will has had a great time in the UK,” said his agent. “He’s gone on Graham Norton, been to a soccer match and in his downtime visited top London tourist attractions like Boris Johnson. Now with Question Time he’s trying something new.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Will Smith to present Question Time
Filed under International News, News, Politics
Vine not looking his best in the Lickers just before 4am, wearing special radio shoes coated in sick
One of Harold’s most controversial issues has finally been laid to rest, after a chance visit from Radio 2’s Jeremy Vine.
Anyone who knows Harold also knows just how divisive opinions can be. Over the years the village has seen arguments between neighbours and friends, and even the odd family feud. Many a punch up in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been blamed on disagreements, together with copious amounts of over-priced alcohol.
Comments Off on Jeremy Vine solves slight disagreement – very few injured
Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, News, Uncategorized
Interactive protest only on the BBC
With arguments raging over the impartiality of the BBC since the death of Baroness Thatcher, ‘Auntie’ has decided to make the coverage of the funeral interactive, with a protest ‘red button’ feature.
Those who hold fond views of Thatcher will still get the favourable coverage on the main BBC1 channel. However those looking to show their dislike for her can protest from the comfort of their own home.
“Pressing the red button will give you access to ‘protest cam’”, BBC1 controller Danny Cohen told reporters. “This is a dedicated view from the service, but facing the other way. We can guarantee you can sit through over three hours of coverage, without seeing a bloody thing.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Anti-Thatcher protesters get their own ‘red button’ coverage
Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized
Regime denied statues ‘lean to the left’
A local economist ‘endangered the lives of journalists’, by infiltrating their group and penetrating the very heart of the BBC. That’s the claim from a union rep who handles the camera crews, sound recordists and script readers, who do the bidding of the shadowy regime.
Professor of economics Julia Hogsburn has often wondered about the inner workings of the BBC, and how so many inside the system believe what they’re told without question.
But living in Harold meant Hogsburn was unlikely to come into contact with anyone from the state broadcaster, because she lives over 40 miles outside the M25.
Continue reading
Comments Off on Fury as ‘undercover’ economist penetrates BBC
Filed under Uncategorized
12 year old Harold resident Erica Carter’s story is certainly sadder than most, and she’s not what many would consider a natural star of the stage.
Born a mute, her mother died during the delivery of Erica and her twin brother Graham. Her father was driven to alcohol dependency under the stress of caring for the two children alone, and eventually took his own life when the twins were 5. Shunted from children’s home to children’s home, Erica could always rely on the support and voice of her brother, until he died two years later in a tragic landfill accident. Erica’s grandmother emigrated to the UK from Australia to care for her, moving to Harold to provide the warmth of a family she so badly needed. Sadly her grandmother passed away last August.
Comments Off on Mute child wins local talent show – set for international stardom
Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, News, Showbusiness
Warning; This boy may harm you and others around you.
BBC Radio 1 have today had to deny claims they are being cruel and insensitive, and refused to back down from a decision to play the music of Justin Bieber. The move comes as people who remember the 1980’s and early 1990’s mourn the death of decent music.
The BBC in defending their position have told us they ‘have a duty to play the music people are buying, even if those people are under the age of 16 and have no idea what they are talking about.’
However, not everyone has been critical of the BBC. Sally Moody from the ‘OMG Justin Bieber, We Love You’ fan club told us “the BBC should play Justin all day ‘cos he is lush. Continue reading
Police made its first contribution to Operation Yewtree by arresting a stand of Yew trees overlooking the children’s playground at Harold Common. Some of the arrested trees are believed to have been leering at young children for more than 500 years.
PC Anita Flegg confirmed the arrest of the Yew trees, and said it was shocking that they had got away with their perverted behaviour for so long.
“I think we all got complacent – all we saw was a stand of attractive conifers that not only provided shade for the playground, but were doing their bit for the environment by converting life-threatening carbon monoxide into the air that we breathe. But all that good work counts for nothing when you consider how the trees stared at the children while their trunks grew harder and ever more erect.”
Read more…
Comments Off on Harold Police arrest Yew trees
Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News
You must be logged in to post a comment.