The Evening Haröld

by waylandsmithy | April 5, 2015 · 11:00 am

Crucified rabbit ‘was administrative error’

The magic rabbit may have laid its last egg.

Harold’s vicar, Rev Tansey Forster, has distanced herself from an event that saw a large-ish rabbit nailed to a cross on the village green.

Although she admitted telling children that the ‘Easter bunny’ wasn’t real and that the focus of the holiday should be more on capital punishment, she denies giving explicit orders to crucify a fat rabbit.

“It’s no secret that the bunny and I didn’t really see eye-to-eye”, admitted Forster. “And that’s not just because I’m diabetic.”
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Filed under Around Harold

Tagged as bunny, crucifixion, Easter, idiots

by dvo | · 7:00 am

Hard-core porn sites urged to block links to Conservative Party

IDS learns of benefit claimant deaths

The Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre (CEOP) has called on porn-mongers to protect on-line youngsters from the Conservatives

CEOP’s Alison Bright explains. “With teenagers being their biggest customers, they have a duty of care to the young & vulnerable. A kid could be quietly banging one out in his bedroom , to a laptopful of Roman orgy. Then, before he knows it, he sees a foam-flecked Grant Shapps on-screen, lying about something. Again.”

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Filed under Election 2015, News, Sex

Tagged as Evening Harold, Iain Duncan-Smith, Michael Gove, Porn blocking

by waylandsmithy | April 4, 2015 · 12:39 pm

UKIP broadcast to be hosted by Sauron

Sauron will brood menacingly for 5 minutes without saying a word.

Following Labour’s use of a Hobbit, Nigel Farage has revealed his party will also appeal to Middle England through characters from Middle Earth.

“We’ve got some excellent chaps in UKIP, and amongst the few that can read, we found one who’s actually flicked through a bit of Tolkien”, revealed Farage.

“He tells me it’s a story about how slightly different races aren’t supposed to get on, unless they join together and find a common enemy to pick on.”
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Filed under Election 2015

Tagged as Hobbit, labour, Martin Freeman, UKIP

by verticallychallengedgiant | April 3, 2015 · 11:21 am

Leaders’ debate: who won on socks?

Mmmmmm. Socks

While many discuss who best represented their party position on the economy, or on immigration, a definitive view on who had the best socks has been hard to come by. Until now.

Miliband – two odd socks, one that said “Tuesday” and one that said “Sunday”, despite it being Thursday. Both socks said “right” and he needed help from his wife to put them on.

Clegg – promised in the run up to the debate that he would wear socks, even went into great detail about exactly what type of socks they would be. Then turned up without any.

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Filed under Election 2015, Media, Politics, TV

Tagged as David Cameron, Ed Miliband, Evening Harold, Green Party, Leaders' debate, Nick Clegg, nigel farage, SNP

by Perks | April 2, 2015 · 6:44 pm

Evening Harold live blog: Seven-way leaders’ debate as it happened

As always we welcome you comments
Tweet us – @EveningHarold
or send us a Facebook message Facebook.com/theEveningHarold
or send us a text. Start your message with JA39F and sent to 60777. Messages will be charged at your standard message rate. Continue reading →

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by Max C-F | · 3:32 pm

Fire raging under London will continue until Jeremy Clarkson is back on Top Gear, says God

London: tomorrow. Thanks liberal, SJW Guardianistas, thanks a lot.

A surprising source for the fire currently raging under central London has been revealed – God.

“In the BBC I am not well pleased,” the Supreme Being told us. “For, lo, I did most heartily love chilling out on Sunday nights and watching Jezza, Hamster and Captain Slow. Not a Holy Trinity but a wholly amusing one.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as BBC, Evening Harold, fire, Holborn, Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear

by Stan | · 1:14 pm

Death of Beatle wife, Joni Lennon

“We couldn’t work it out”

The death of John Lennon’s first wife, Joni marks the end of an era when the Beatle WAGS – Joni, Jane, Patti and the other one – were almost as famous as the Fab Four themselves.

However the glamorous life was not for Joni. Although the sixties were swinging all around her, Joni spent much of the time miserably hiding from the limelight due to an unusual aversion to citrus fruit.

Although Joni often said her Beatle husband had never written her a soppy love song, it is believed that he wrote “She’s so Heavy” towards the end of her first pregnancy when Joni was expecting their son, Julian. The couple went on to have 3 more children together – Dick, George, and Anne – before he left her for Japanese artist Yo! Sushi. Continue reading →

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Filed under Obituary, Showbusiness

Tagged as Beatles, Cynthia Lennon, Evening Harold, Joni Mitchell, Spoof news

by Perks | · 12:19 pm

Poor Daily Mail still confusing Kim Kardashian for news

The Daily Mail has had its medication reviewed after a study of its website shows it is still confusing Kim Kardashian for news.

“We thought we had dealt with this illness that sees them confuse paparazzi stalking and soft core perversion with news,” The MailOnline’s therapist told us.
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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle

Tagged as Daily Mail, Kim Kardashian

by dvo | April 1, 2015 · 7:00 am

Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street

Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street

Labour has a fight on its hands to win the General Election, as it needs to gain 67 MPs to get an overall majority.

Ed Miliband will be hoping to win back many of the seats the party lost in 2010, and will also need to take some big scalps to get into Downing Street. Continue reading →

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Filed under Election 2015, Labour, Politics

Tagged as Ed Miliband, Evening Harold, labour, Mirror Online, Politics

by wallstermagnus | March 31, 2015 · 3:55 pm

Bilbo Baggins throws his ring in with Labour.

Put a ring on this Cameron.

Diminutive pot smoking, dragon baiting, hole dwelling dwarf fancier Bilbo Baggins has come out in support of the Labour Party for this year’s general election.

The pint sized adventurer has made a special video outlining why he believes Labour can win on trolling day 7th May 2015.

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Election 2015, Election 2015, Labour, Politics, Tony Blair, Uncategorized

Tagged as Baggins, Bilbo, Election 2015, Endorsement, Hobbit, labour, miliband

by Max C-F | · 1:51 pm

Facebook to pay all users a basic minimum wage

Simultaneously using two Facebook accounts on two separate devices: slacker

Facebook has announced that it will pay its 1.39 billion users a basic minimum wage from now on in acknowledgement of the fact that their current business model is starting to look too much like slavery. Continue reading →

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Filed under Technology

Tagged as DNA. Evening Harold, Facebook, minimum wage, privacy

by waylandsmithy | · 11:55 am

EXCLUSIVE! Local greengrocer ‘won’t quit’

A carrot

A greengrocer in Harold has angrily denied that he’s quitting, and instead vowed to continue in his role.

Defiantly operating his till and a sort of weighing contraption to the left of it, Dominic Evans of ‘Evans Vegetables and Sons’ faced up to a string of customers, one at a time.

The move to stay put comes quickly after the departure of Cllr Ron Ronsson: he brushed past our reporter carrying a melon and some carrots.

Despite the ‘cash for fruit’ controversy, no-one has actually called for Evans to leave. But they will do, once a journalist gets to the front of the queue. “What on earth are talking about?” demanded Evans. “Where the f*** would I go?”, before adding “do you want those potatoes or not?”

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Business, Culture, News

Tagged as Andy Wilman, BBC, Evening Harold, I won't quit, News, satire, Top Gear

by dvo | · 7:00 am

Was pilot’s mental decline triggered by sprinkles shortage? ponders Daily Mail

Sorry son, we’re out of sprinkles, would a ’99’ do?

A man who stood next to Andreas Lubitz in an ice cream van queue, after a hectic game of football, has revealed that Lubitz had looked ‘a little wild-eyed and dishevelled’.

“At the time, I wondered if he might, later in life, become a pilot then kill himself and commit murder by crashing his aircraft into an Alp” said Gerhard Flumpf. Flumpf now regrets dismissing it as a random thought. By the time they were back in school on Monday he’d completely forgotten about it; until twenty one years later, when the 27 year old Lubitz did exactly as feared and a posse of journalists arrived in his home town waving cheque books.

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Filed under breaking news, International News, News, Travel

Tagged as Andreas Lubitz, cheque-book journalism, Evening Harold, Lufthansa, satire

by Perks | March 30, 2015 · 5:10 pm

Queen will join Windsor Castle workers on the picket line

Following the news staff at Windsor Castle are balloting for strike action over working conditions, the Queen has said if there is a yes vote, she will join them on the picket line.

“All we want is a living wage” one worker explained, “which if you own this castle is about £40m a year and a few rent-free houses”
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by waylandsmithy | · 7:00 am

Police take threat ‘not to buy tv licence’ seriously

An anonymous threat to not buy a television licence is being treated as ‘serious’ by police.

“We received a tip-off by email that a member of the public was planning to switch on an appliance, without having the appropriate paperwork”, said Harold’s PC Flegg.

“As soon as I read it, I put my Taser on charge and had a couple of practice shots at a potato on my sofa”, said Flegg. “I knew it was perfectly safe, because I don’t need permission to use it. Unlike my television, which costs me £145.50 a year before I can legally operate it.”

A psychological profiler thinks they’re looking for a man in their 40s, who likes cars or has a history of using one. He may also be uninterested in cooking competitively, and has possibly never knitted a bee.
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment

Tagged as hell no, Top Gear, TV licence, £145.50

by Max C-F | March 29, 2015 · 6:07 pm

Search for a coherent Ukip policy finally called off

At last, Flight Lieutenant Waggy-Tail can take a break

RAF Search and Rescue (SARF) have confirmed that they’ve called off the nationwide hunt for a Ukip policy that’s even vaguely realistic.

“The search has been a coordinated effort involving military and civilian professionals as well as dedicated volunteers,” said SARF Force Commander, Group Captain Abi McLean. “However the time has come to admit that all anyone’s found is unworkable nonsense and that there’s no chance anything sustainable and well-thought-out could’ve survived this long within Ukip.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Election 2015, Politics

Tagged as election promises, Evening Harold, nigel farage, Ukip policies

by Max C-F | · 1:57 pm

Lib Dems launch election campaign: nation consumed by joy

“Nick! Nick! Nick!”

Gathering places all over the UK are today thronged with delirious well-wishers do due to the Lib Dems officially launching their election campaign.

“It’s what we’ve all been waiting for,” yelled a drunken reveller in the crowd at Trafalgar Square. “The Lib Dems on the streets, promising anything and everything so they can stay in power.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Election 2015, Politics

Tagged as election campaign, Evening Harold, lib dems, Nick Clegg

by waylandsmithy | March 28, 2015 · 7:00 am

Dermot O’Leary to host Bland Gear

An inanimate object, in front of a racing car.

Evergrey favourite Dermot O’Leary has been chosen by the BBC to host a new show about the mundanity of transport.

Fun-tolerating Dermot, 61, welcomed his new challenge, and has pledged to own a car in the near future.

“This is an exciting time”, said O’Leary, with 13.53pm in mind.

“A lot of the 350 million worldwide viewers of Top Gear were put off by its shameless entertainment, and that’s something I’m here to nip in the bud.”

Dermot is looking forward to presenting his update of ‘a star in a reasonably underpowered car’, where the aim is to use the least fuel in an unfilmed lap of the track.
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Filed under Entertainment, Transport

Tagged as Clarkson, Dermot, fuck off BBC just fuck off, O'Leary, Top Gear

by Max C-F | March 27, 2015 · 12:25 pm

Panic as tabloids claim crashing a plane is a common symptom of depression

Exactly what everyone with a mental illness is like according to the Murdoch/Rothermere press

The village of Harold is at panic stations due to the revelations in the media that taking your own life and those of 150 passengers by crashing a plane is a common symptom of depression.

“I never knew!” wailed Dominic Delaney on his break from working in his café Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! “I was diagnosed with clinical depression six years ago and have been taking fluoxetine ever since. I’ve never felt the slightest urge to harm anyone but now I’ve read seen the headlines in today’s papers I realise that I am a monster who must be stopped.” Continue reading →

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