Dave ‘n’ his BFF: chock full o’feelings
As the UK was awarded its Specialist Snowflake in the Whole EU badge last night, David Cameron puzzled everyone by saying “I will be campaigning with all my heart and soul to persuade the British people to remain in the reformed EU that we have secured today” despite having spent every waking moment since 2010 proving that he possesses neither.
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Filed under Europe
Living the dream…
Albert Renfew, who died last night after being chased and eaten to death by an enormous badger made of cheese, was ‘living the dream’, friends have confirmed.
Renfrew, who possessed the unusual ability of having his dreams manifest as physical objects, was killed by the grotesque cheesy mammal in front of screaming shoppers in the High Street of the English village of Harold.
Sadly, Renfrew had long been plagued with bizarre, violent dreams involving dairy-mutated animal aggression.
“We were always telling Albert that it’s so important to make your dreams come true,” explained one friend today, “But we had no idea his dreams were so horrible.”
Authorities have pointed out that living the dream is still perfectly safe for most people, and have reassured the public that anyone who does not typically dream about huge slavering cheddar animals should be perfectly safe.
“For most of us,” explained an expert, “Dreams are associated with fame, vast wealth and the lumpy bits on the front of women. I know mine are.”
“Giant violent cheese badgers, on the other hand, are the sort of dream which should be lived under no circumstances.”
“We would advise anyone experiencing these sort of dreams to tread Caerphilly.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Health
Pope Francis has confirmed that contraception is sometimes ok if it prevents a greater evil, eg the conception and subsequent spreading of Donald Trump.
“Avoiding pregnancy is not an absolute evil, so contraception can be justified if it prevents babies being born with Trumpephaly, ie very large heads, bad hair, but no discernible brains” said the Pontiff during a visit to Mexico.
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Filed under International News
“Where’s it gone?”
Following recent controversies, tech giant Twitter has announced it is leaving Stephen Fry with immediate effect.
This is not the first time that Twitter has left Fry, but media observers believe this time may be no idle threat.
“Stephen Fry used be exciting,” said a spokeperson for the company. “But lately he’s just not fun any more. Too full of abuse and bad jokes.”
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Filed under Showbusiness, Social media
Wait, leotard??
Following the news that the leopard which has terrorised Indian schools has gone missing, popular real newspaper the Evening Harold was today unable to resist the headline: “Missing leopard spotted”.
Reaction to the frankly terrible headline was swift, with many readers protesting by burning their copies of the newspaper. Many bought extra copies just to burn them, leading to the highest circulation ever seen.
Readers of the online edition of the Harold were quick to burn their laptops, and Stephen Fry quit Twitter, as usual.
A spokesman for the Harold tried to insist the whole affair was a simple mistake, claiming that the headline had meant to refer to a missing leotard.
No-one believed him, but everyone stopped protesting and went off to think about leotards for a bit.
A representative of former Star Trek actor Leonard Nimoy had no comment to make, other than noting that his client died last year and he expected better of us.
He’s not joking
Rap star Kanye West actually believes the things he says and is not on a massive wind up, according to sources close to the bell-end.
The part-time Hip Hop artist, part-time fashion designer, full-time egotist has been lamenting the fact that he simply does not have enough money to change the world in all the ways that he could, and apparently he’s serious. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, News
Policemen ‘just happened’ to be rummaging around in women’s underwear
Following the reporting of Meth found hidden in a shipment of bras, Australian police have announced the discovery of crack apparent in the pants of a middle aged male border guard.
“The crack was initially highlighted by our sniffer dogs, which we had to forcibly drag away from it. Continue reading
“The chicks love red”
Roman Catholics are reeling this morning, after revelations that a well-known Polish Pope’s bestie was what the Vatican is describing simply as ‘a woman’.
“No cock, no balls either.” agreed Vatican chief press officer, Federico Lombardi, who admitted he was baffled by the concept of friendship between two people of different genders.
“Nothing down there at all, as far, as we could tell, so obviously there was no sexual activity.”
“In any event, she was an adult, so we’re really struggling to find a motivation for the two liking each other”
A startling political transformation is sweeping through the UK’s straight men this morning as they contemplate going into town and throwing themselves at shops selling cards, flowers and bath bombs with all the urgency and judgement of a pack of coked-up wolves.
“Why should I have to do this?” asked villager Nick Stalling. “If feminism means we’re equal then why isn’t my girlfriend buying me a load of red and pink rubbish too? In fact why should either of us spend money on stuff or a meal out? This is no way to live. We should both stick it to The Man and ignore this objectifying capitalist shite!” Continue reading
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Filed under Valentine's Day
Hunt: “I’ve been listening” Junior Doctors: “The voices in your own head don’t count!”
Jeremy Hunt says his decision to impose a new junior doctors’ contract was primarily intended to make a difference to NHS industrial relations.
“When I took over from Andrew Lansley, some people in the NHS, who really should have known better, told me that staff morale couldn’t get any lower. But since then, I’ve gone that extra mile – Monday to Friday, school term times only – and proved those naysayers wrong.” Continue reading
Twofer: Mister Superpaws, a baby cat
Cats and babies have beaten runners posting their mileage, selfies, humblebrags, motivational quotes, cryptic attention seekers – “Sigh. This is the worst” – pictures of food, game requests, and political/religious rants to meet in the grand final of a contest to determine the most boring subject for a Facebook status.
In the semi-finals, cats comfortably saw off ‘99% of you won’t have the courage to repost this‘ whines while babies kicked constantly posting about your health to the kerb. Now these two titans of yawn are to be pitted against each other. Continue reading
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Filed under Facebook
Transferred from Chelsea, now steal balls to make ends meet
Liverpool FC agreed to a transfer deal with Chelsea to sign a marque fan who is happy to pay £77 for a seat.
Liverpool commercial director Ian Ayre said the signing of London stockbroker Gavin Edwards for a fan record transfer fee of £2000 was a key step in strengthening their £77 seat capacity.
“We lack depth in the £77 seat area, Continue reading
Unhappy times past, when Andy lost his wedding to Djokovic
Andy Murray has apologised for letting down his fans again, after unexpectedly losing the birth of his daughter to Novak Djokovic.
Although this was the first time Murray had made it through to the final round of a pregnancy, he was relaxed and happy before the event.
“I’d played well in the pre-natal classes” said the Scot. Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, News, Sport
” Oh no, she’s still alive isn’t she?”
EU ‘inners’ and ‘outers’ have both prayed in aid the late Margaret Thatcher, leaving many uncertain about which way she wants them to vote.
Norman Tebbit who’s cadaverous appearance lends weight to his claim to know Mrs Thatcher’s current views, has been widely quoted across all news media, dismissing claims that she would vote Continue reading
David Abraham, CEO of Channel 4, has announced that following a spirited but ultimately disappointing attempt to off some publicity hungry has-beens, winter sports reality show The Jump will be replaced by Celebrity Russian Roulette.
“Sadly The Jump simply hasn’t taken off as we’d like,” he said. “Despite our best efforts everyone is still alive. So now it’s time to literally roll out the big guns and see who’s feeling lucky.” Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
You there, just stop it. Pfft, this rehabilitation is a piece of piss
An array of prisoner rehabilitation schemes, that won’t actually happen, has been announced by David Cameron. These won’t begin later this year, in several poorly managed pilots.
“Evidence shows that carefully planned, targeted initiatives can reduce reoffending.” said the PM “Putting them into practice costs money though, so we’re just going to talk about them instead for publicity, which costs us nothing … this is my best side, thanks.”
“Think of this as the criminal justice system’s Northern Powerhouse or Troubled Families Programme; it will get lots of attention but won’t really exist. Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics
If only more of them were like Officer Carey Mahoney
The police investigation into charges made against Leon Brittan was “unnecessary and unjustified due to the fact he was very wealthy and knew a lot of senior politicians”, a review has concluded.
Vowing that the police would learn from their mistakes the head of the Met, Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe, said that from now on “any man of a certain age facing a certain allegation will be ignored as long as he’s got a shedload of cash and is friends with Prince Charles/was friends with Maggie.” Continue reading
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Filed under Police
“It will only seem like an eternity”
Ending speculation that it might be rested, ITV has delivered the crushing news that X Factor will continue until hell freezes over.
An ITV spokesman dismissed this as pure speculation and confirmed that the contract actually runs to 2017, “so it will only seem like an eternity”.
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Filed under Entertainment, music, News, Showbusiness, TV
A Forensic Artist’s rendering of how the bowl of Petunias might have looked, before impact
As if dealing with stranded sperm whales wasn’t enough, bewildered Norfolk locals were today confronted with an angry looking bowl of petunias on a beach near Hunstanton.
Cockle picker Silas Thurlby found the unusual item after hearing what a long wailing noise which he describes as sounding like someone shouting “Oh no, not again” while falling from a great height.
Filed under Intergalactic News, Lost and Found, News, science
Hello you animal lovers!
I’d like to talk about how dangerous it can be to get wood. Up the rec I saw a client enthusiastically waving his oversized woody about and was dismayed. I advise that we should all play with rubber when relaxing with our pets and choose our play tools carefully. Continue reading
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