Category Archives: Technology

by | December 2, 2013 · 7:00 am

Cyber Monday: idiots saddened by lack of queues

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Progress: 70 years ago we queued for rations, now we queue for shiny things and no one has to pretend that they find Tommy Trinder amusing.

Today is Cyber Monday the busiest day of the year for online sales during which Britons will spend over one billion pounds on PlayStation 4s, Breaking Bad box sets and inflatable toast (seriously, that is a thing). While most of us relish shopping naked and not getting arrested or uploaded to YouTube, and Amazon’s agency drones will be forced to walk the equivalent of to the moon and back before being allowed their first break, idiots are lamenting the lack of queuing. Continue reading →

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by | November 27, 2013 · 7:00 am

Microsoft admits new Xbox is ‘made of cheese’

xboxcheese

Agreeably sophisticated gaming. With cheese.

Following a number of reports on internet forums, Microsoft has admitted that ‘a small number’ of its new Xbox One system are showing signs of being unexpectedly made of cheese.

Early adopters of the next-generation games console have been experiencing problems where consoles are overheating, refusing to load game discs, or, in extreme cases, exuding a sickly-sweet milky odour and oozing with the mammalian stomach enzyme rennet (often used in the production of cheese). Continue reading →

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by | November 26, 2013 · 11:00 am

Revealed: Cicada 3301 code is recruitment ad for barmaid

cyphersquirrel

£4 per hour plus tips, must have nice norks.

An almost impossibly cryptic internet puzzle that has taken the world by storm has finally been traced to a local pub in Harold.

‘Cicada 3301’, a series of mathematical and literary puzzles that is impenetrable to all but the brightest minds, was set up by a barman called Eddie in an attempt to find a capable barmaid.

Locals at the Squirrel Lickers Arms have grown used to incompetent and surly service. But the ever-resourceful and odd-smelling proprietor,  Eddie, decided to mount his own recruitment drive after yet another useless agency worker failed to live up to his admittedly low standards.
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by | November 24, 2013 · 11:00 am

NRA commemorate 50th anniversary of Lee Harvey Oswald’s rifle

oswaldgun

JFK incident ‘shouldn’t detract from a really great gun’

NRA members across America today celebrated the timeless design and long range accuracy of the 6.5 mm Carcano Model 91/38 carbine, the rifle Lee Harvey Oswald used to assassinate President Kennedy.

“The Carcano 91/38 was everything you could want in a rifle, accurate for long shots from a 6th story window and yet still highly effective for the close combat stuff, like shooting a stranded motorist who stops by your house to borrow the telephone” said NRA spokesmen Jed Hicks. “The rifle was also sharply priced at $19.95, plus postage. Obviously I don’t approve of Oswald shooting the President, but his choice of mail-order rifle was excellent.”

“Obviously Oswald’s rifle was the most memorable thing from 22 November 1963, but some of the Secret Service weaponry came a close second” observed Hicks. “The Colt AR-15 high-velocity rifle that most of them had was the sort of weapon that, even now, gun fans proudly display on their bedside table to use against home invaders or provide something for the kids to play with.”
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by | November 19, 2013 · 7:00 am

Road safety group urges commuters to ‘cycle to work inside a bus’

bikebus

Cycling inside a bus ‘even safer than stabilisers’

In response to a shocking rise in accidents involving bicycles, a road safety group is urging commuters to do their cycling ‘inside a bus’.

“Cycling is undoubtedly the best way to get to work”, claimed Polly Harvey of campaign group ‘Two Wheels Good’. “There’s no other way of arriving all sweaty and self-righteous, and with your genitalia accentuated in lycra.”

Harvey insists that with a few simple modifications cyclists will not only be able to clutter up bus lanes, but also buses. “With a bit of effort, a half-decent bike can be lugged up to the top deck. Once there you can pedal up and down the aisle, making commuting safer for nearly everyone.”
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by | November 10, 2013 · 7:00 am

Cockroach launches radio-controlled ‘Cruel Human Scientist’

edgarbug

‘It isn’t cruel: they’re only humans.’

A cockroach with an interest in electronics and unnecessary experiments has launched a kit to control cruel, human scientists.

Using a hand drill, some scissors and a drink spiked with Rohypnol, children as young as 8 can modify a low-moral scientist and make them turn left or right.

“This kit can help your offspring find out more about scientists”, claimed the ‘roach. “And desensitize them to the point where they don’t think twice about whether what they’re doing is wrong.”
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by | November 6, 2013 · 11:00 am

Supermarket ‘face scan’ spots wide faces – refuses to sell them cake

shop

‘Beep! No butter for you, Mr Wilson. Or shampoo.’

A local shop keeper claims to have developed a ‘face scanning’ tool, that can automatically target fat people and then deny them biscuits or doughnuts.

But sceptics have claimed that the inventor is just shouting ‘beep!’ himself, and then making personal remarks about local known pie botherers.

Woodrow Gunther, owner of Harold’s second-favourite supermarket, ‘Guntco’s’,  claims he developed the device to ‘help save the public from themselves’.
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by | October 29, 2013 · 7:00 am

NASA to help solve peel-and-reseal problem

Our favourite NASA chap: Bobak Ferdowsi, he's a mission control leader, an expert in jet propulsion and he looks like that. We want his life.

Our favourite NASA chap: Bobak Ferdowsi. He’s a mission control leader, an expert in jet propulsion and he looks like that. We want his life.

‘We put a monkey in space, a man on the moon and a robot on Mars,’ said NASA boss Charles Bolden, ‘so why, I asked myself at breakfast this morning, can I not open this pack of fry ham?’

While he pulled and twisted the little tab on the corner of the packet and even tried to separate the plastic film from the tab itself with his fingernails, his hash browns had caramelised in the pan to such an extent that a layer of Teflon switched allegiance to form a new chemical compound.   Ultimately, Bolden was left with no option but to stab at the bacon packaging frantically with the kitchen scissors in a convincing re-enactment of the shower curtain scene from Psycho.  ‘That’s when it struck me,’ he continued, ‘maybe it is rocket science after all.’ Continue reading →

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by | October 7, 2013 · 11:00 am

Local teen invents GPS with “auto indication” feature for elderly drivers

Out of my way sonny!

Out of my way sonny!

Harold schoolboy Simon Delaney has come up with another award winning invention by designing a GPS that automatically operates a car’s indicators when elderly drivers approach roundabouts and intersections.

The breakthrough GPS technology maps all the common routes taken by the driver so it can then automatically indicate when the driver retraces one of their common routes, like popping down to the Post Office to queue just when everyone else is taking their lunch break. If the elderly driver for some reason takes a new route, the GPS will defensively indicate both left and right so that other drivers know to beware.
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by | October 3, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Xbox One will not play games says Microsoft

Less fun than a Spectrum 48k

Less fun than a Spectrum 48k

Following its disastrous launch earlier in the year when fans were up in arms over the fact that the new Xbox would have to be always connected to the Internet, then the further revelation that it was not designed to support vertical orientation, Microsoft have finally admitted that their newest toy won’t actually play games either.

“We worked hard to give our customers the best experience with this next generation console,” said Microsoft spokesperson Dale Tice. “But at the end of the day the technology just isn’t in place for us deliver and so with a heavy heart we’re taking the gaming component out of the Xbox One.” Continue reading →

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by | September 28, 2013 · 9:00 am

Fraud suspected as new wind turbine found to be ‘full of AA batteries’

battery wind farm

Supplier insists wind turbine is ‘for novelty use only’

Harold’s green credentials were called into doubt last night, as the controversial village wind turbine finally ran out of puff.

Despite the vast cost of the equipment and 3 years of legal wrangling with local pressure groups, the windmill was only operable for 40 minutes before an engineer had to be called.

Norwegian wind experts Flattus were quickly on the scene and proceeded to remove panels from the lower sections of the tower. But a quick-eyed junior cameraman from the Evening Harold snapped the guts of the equipment, revealing an estimated 40,000 AA batteries being used to power the fan.
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by | September 26, 2013 · 11:15 am

Local landlord relaunches fruit machine as ‘free App’

fruity

Fruit machine runs jelly bean and supports candy crush

Harold’s favourite and only pub has inched closer to the busiest street in the village…it’s now uncomfortably close to the information super highway (or ‘internet’, as your kids may know it).

Eddie, landlord at the Squirrellicker’s Arms, has embraced the world of smartphones and tablets and proudly showed off the latest upgrade to his operating system.

“It’s not all beer and scratchings”, revealed Eddie, “it’s not even all cider and pickled eggs. The inebriated of Harold are demanding more, and I think I’ve got the gist of it.”

Despite not having a phoneline, Eddie has been offering free wifi for ages thanks to a sign he had made by the blacksmith. But when a visitor complained that he couldn’t connect his iPad to the service, Eddie soon learned that it takes more than a staplegun and duct tape.
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by | September 18, 2013 · 6:48 pm

Council clarifies ‘drunk tank’ still needs designated driver

drunktank

Am I straigh? Straigh? A my? Straigh am I?…oh.

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by | September 11, 2013 · 11:00 am

Apple name new smartwatch the iTwatBangle

Why not save yourself some money and simply wear a badge with 'I'm an arse' printed on it?

Why not save yourself some money and simply wear a badge with ‘I’m an arse’ printed on it?

At a glitzy press conference held at their campus in Cupertino, California the CEO of Apple Tim Cook took to the stage to announce that Apple’s forthcoming smartwatch will be called the iTwatBangle.

“We’ve looked at our existing products, analysed the market and we’ve created something that people are going to fall in love with,” Cook told reporters.

“The key to the iTwatBangle’s appeal is its simplicity. You’ll meet someone wearing one and with just a single glance get all the information you need to know that that person is a twat.” Continue reading →

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by | September 3, 2013 · 12:00 pm

Microsoft announces Finland ‘no longer supported’

finland-300x234

C’est Fin.

Following its acquisition of Nokia phones, Microsoft has surprised cartographers by withdrawing all support for Finland.

Famed for its ability to absorb popular things and then fundamentally ruin them, Microsoft has already gained valuable experience in making phones virtually unusable with its Windows 8 operating system.

But while the corporate giant has been happy with only wrecking trivial things such as Skype, video games and social media, it now feels the time is right to bugger up a whole country.

Nokia’s vice-president Stephen Elop moved to the company from Microsoft in 2010, but disappointed the software giant by making their phones slightly better. Unwilling to risk another resurgence of the once-great mobile manufacturer, Microsoft is taking immediate steps to remove all traces of Finland.
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by | September 2, 2013 · 11:00 am

Amateur scientists ‘put dog into orbit’

trebuchet

Team will coax dog back to Earth ‘using liver or biscuits’

Harold has taken its first tentative step in the international space race, as a local team of scientists claim to have put a dog in geostationary orbit.

Just 56 short years after Russia first launched a stray called Laika into space, the resourceful villagers stated they were ‘well on the way’ to setting up a commercial operation to ‘repeatedly and reliably make dogs go far away’.
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CIA confirm Area 51 exists: speculation that aliens walk among us rises

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by | August 17, 2013 · 2:30 pm
by | August 13, 2013 · 9:00 am

English Sports scientist resurrects bails from 1882 Ashes

ashes

Brimful of Ashes.

A sports scientist at the cutting edge of technology has revealed plans to recreate the original bails from cricket’s famous 1882 ‘Ashes’.

When the unthinkable happened 131 years ago and ‘the colonies’ won on British soil, it was announced that ‘English cricket was dead’ and the bails were ceremonially burned.But thanks to three straight wins on the trot and a burning need to rub it in to the Aussies, Derek Hampton thinks the time is right to resurrect the once exctinct sport.

“By pouring the Ashes into a 3D printer, we should be able to ‘clone’ the bails back to life”, insisted Hampton. “I’ve plugged mine in and it looks pretty straightforward, although I’ve got to be careful not to accidentally fax them.”
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by | July 22, 2013 · 11:00 am

UK men desperately trying to come up with plausible excuse for unblocking porn

Computer-pornDavid Cameron’s expected announcement that all UK internet providers will block access to pornography has sparked a panic amongst men across the country, all trying to come up with a genuine-sounding reason for asking for it to be unblocked.

Any new customers will automatically have family-friendly filters enabled and existing customers will be contacted and asked to decide whether to activate filters or not.
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by | July 16, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Tech-savvy toddlers ‘falling over themselves’ for BBC’s 3D-eebies

cbeebies 3d copyBritain’s toddlers and babies are making a beeline for the latest ‘must have’ home entertainment craze, following successful trials of the BBC’s new 3D children’s channel.

3D-eebies is available through Freeview, and promises to revolutionise the way children gawp at brightly coloured idiots. But some parents claim that a fully immersive world with undue focus on rainbows could create yet another generation of teenagers who are bored by reality. Continue reading →

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