‘It isn’t cruel: they’re only humans.’
A cockroach with an interest in electronics and unnecessary experiments has launched a kit to control cruel, human scientists.
Using a hand drill, some scissors and a drink spiked with Rohypnol, children as young as 8 can modify a low-moral scientist and make them turn left or right.
“This kit can help your offspring find out more about scientists”, claimed the ‘roach. “And desensitize them to the point where they don’t think twice about whether what they’re doing is wrong.”
The kit comprises a ‘backpack’ that’s attached to the scientist using a nail gun, and some probes that fit in the skull easily given a sharp enough drill. “Then you just pop the eyes out with a spoon and you can sort of control them”, explained the cockroach. “My kids played with it for over an hour before they got bored and crashed it into a wall.”
Parents of cruel, human scientists have supported the product, claiming it gives an important insight into how to torture complex organisms.
“I never understood what my son got up to in his big, secret laboratory”, said Margaret Figgs. “He just said he did ‘cruel science’ and we left it at that. But then he bought me this kit so I could understand what he does a little better. I’ve learned so much, steering his zombie-like carcass around the chairs in the living room.”
Figg claims her son is now a bit like a toy robot dog, but instead of demanding food or attention, he just begs her to kill him.
“It’s given me a new respect for life sciences as well as the torture toy industry”, said Figg. “It’s a horrifically messy business, I don’t think I could do what they do. Not without a sharp knife and a clear set of instructions.”
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