Category Archives: Sport

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Intensive training should improve speed and technique for the GP itself

Although crowd funding allows Caterham F1 to contest the season finale, high fuel costs mean cuts elsewhere and plucky Harold Scouts have agreed to step in and provide cheap pit-crew services.

“It’s not our first vehicle venture.” said Rev Tansy Forster of 3rd Harold Scouts “Last year we made over £32.73 from a sponsored car wash and we’ll carry that experience into the race next weekend.”

The in-administration race team hopes to be competitive, but has taken on board Institute of Advanced Motorist advice to ‘drive at 50 in 7th gear for best fuel efficiency’.

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by | November 18, 2014 · 8:54 am
by | November 3, 2014 · 7:04 am

Man Utd and Liverpool to join Scottish League

gaal

Er, hoots mon?

Following a string of disappointing results, Manchester United and Liverpool have applied to join the Scottish Premiership, it was revealed today. An initial approach has been made to begin playing in Scotland as soon as possible, starting next season, or even in the middle of this one, if no-one minds.

“We can’t see any practical problems with this. If Berwick are allowed to play in the Scottish league, I don’t see why we’re any different,” insisted Liverpool manager Brendan Rogers. “It’s like Hamilton, they’re in New Zealand, according to Google, and no-one complains about them.”

“The Scottish Premiership has long been considered an easy option, lacking any serious challenge,” he explained. “And that’s just what we’re looking for.” Continue reading →

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by | October 23, 2014 · 5:15 pm

Brendan Rodgers angry that his new cat is behaving like a cat

Idiot

Idiot

Brendan Rodgers is said to be ‘furious’ after the cat that he got to replace his dog in the summer insisted on acting like a cat.

The Liverpool manager had a great time last year with his dog, Luis, who would happily chase a ball around for up to an hour and a half at a time and run around all over the place. When Luis moved on to a new home Rodgers bizarrely decided to get a cat, called Mario, and attempt to train him to act like a dog. He has since been hugely disappointed by Mario’s tendency to laze around all day and occasionally lick his own arse. Continue reading →

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by | October 14, 2014 · 4:30 pm

Raheem Sterling calls for ‘nap time’ to be introduced to football matches

Bless him, he's tired

Bless him, he’s tired

Raheem Sterling has suggested that the introduction of designated ‘nap breaks’ into football matches would help prevent a repeat of the fatigue that saw him left out of the England starting line-up at the weekend.

The Liverpool winger has claimed that the issue of young players being a bit sleepy is one that is not widely acknowledged within the game, calling for greater understanding, and maybe a thirty minute break to be introduced into each half of a match for them to have a little sleep.  Continue reading →

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by | September 28, 2014 · 7:49 am

Obama threatens air strikes against European Ryder Cup team, starting new Golf War

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Continuing with his mission to rid the world of all threats to the United States of America, President Obama has said he is to launch air attacks on the European Ryder Cup team.

“There is a clear threat to the US in the golf,” Obama said in a speech to the US Congress. “A red line has been crossed and now we must act now stop more American citizens being humiliated overseas.”

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by | September 26, 2014 · 8:39 am

Injury hit Man Utd set to recall Giggs, Charlton and …… Best?

New boy Charlton is presented with his shirt

New boy Charlton is presented with his shirt

With at least 20 players crocked or hopeless, new manager Louis Van Gaal admitted that Manchester United’s injury crisis has meant some radical rethinking prior to this weekend’s match against West Ham.

As well as the inevitable call up from retirement for stalwart Ryan Giggs, the Dutchman with the Tefal head seems to have overheated his vast brain with his latest comments at the regular Friday press conference.

“Yes, we had to recall Giggs,” he said. “Ryan is fit as he ever was, and still works at his game which he proved last night when he made a pass at my wife.” Continue reading →

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by | September 21, 2014 · 12:45 pm

Ecclestone: F1 radio ‘topic ban’ includes politics and religion

'You're breaking up' Bernie solves the Hamilton/Rosberg feud mid-race

‘Sorry, you’re breaking up.’ Bernie resolves  Hamilton/Rosberg feud mid-race

Bernie Ecclestone says prohibitions in F1 pit-to-car radio have similarities with polite dinner protocols.

“As well as politics & religion” explained the mini-mogul “we’re excluding scottish independence, sexual innuendo and your wife’s even-younger sister.” Continue reading →

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by | August 31, 2014 · 9:00 am

Andy Murray: “I can be just as miserable playing for an independent Scotland”

andy-murray (2)

“Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth…”

After declining to give an opinion on the referendum Andy Murray has finally acknowledged that if Scotland becomes independent then he will be just as gloomy playing tennis wearing a Saltire as he ever has been wearing a Union Flag. Continue reading →

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by | August 27, 2014 · 1:31 pm

Man Utd obtains super injunction to supress reporting of seasons results

Man Utd Mk DonsManchester United reacted to its poor start to the season by obtaining a super injunction in the High Court to supress all mention of its results.

Assistant Manager Ryan Giggs justified the super injunction saying that a number of Man U players and coaching staff were very highly paid professionals, and their reputations could be ruined if it emerged that the team had lost, say by four goals, to some 3rd tier team or other.
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by | August 24, 2014 · 9:00 am

Pack of braying media leeches ‘fear for Paul Gascoigne’s health’

 

Gazza thought the flashing lights when he went out in the morning were to do with his drinking

Gascoigne didn’t realise his blurred vision wasn’t always due to drinking

Paparazzi have asked fans to pray for the recovery of Paul Gascoigne (48 colummn inches).

He was papped earlier this week looking hagard, belying his ability to still shift papers.

The footballing legend is being treated in hospital for a serious illness, which many people feel entitled to be informed about and then make judgements upon.

A worried jackal, Brian (300mm, f stop 5.7), spoke from the scrum outside the hospital ‘I really hope he’s not drinking that gin I gave him, at least not all of it. I bought an appartment on the Algarve thanks to Gazza, and I really owed him one.’

Concerned vampire Simon (50mm, mainly portrait work) agreed. ‘I got him to agree to an exclusive tomorrow, if he makes it through the night. But I also spoke with Geoff, a former team mate (pundit rates, less 10% for cash) who agreed I can make up some quotes for him to say, so I’m covered whatever the outcome.’ Continue reading →

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by | July 30, 2014 · 9:51 am

Commonwealth Games extended until world’s bad stuff stops happening

Gary Lineker still presenting age 104

Gary Lineker still presenting age 104

The BBC has announced it has come to an agreement with Glasgow 2014 organisers to extend the Commonwealth Games until all the bad stuff around the world has ended.

With planes being shot down in Ukraine and no end in sight for the Middle East conflict, The Beeb has decided it much easier to deal with wall-to-wall coverage of lawn bowls, squash and cycling than any in depth look at the many issues that look set to start WWIII.  Continue reading →

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by | July 28, 2014 · 3:10 pm

Youth club funding cuts ‘a threat to Commonwealth table tennis competition’.

20140728-150836-54516510.jpgCommonwealth table tennis is in danger of falling standards and possible extinction if cuts to youth clubs continue, an insider told us.

Sipping on a can of Coke and chewing on a pack of Haribo during a high level training session at Harold Youth Club, an up and coming player explained a decline in youth clubs across the country would see minority sports such as table tennis, table football, and priest evading disappear.

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by | July 21, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Tour de France still happening

Still going

Still going

The 2014 Tour de France is apparently still going on, despite all the riders having left England two weeks ago.

This year’s race began in Leeds on July 5th and the move to Britain proved a great success, with an estimated 2.5 million spectators lining the route over the opening weekend in order to look at the foreigners in funny clothes. After covering over two hundred miles around Yorkshire the competitors headed for London, before crossing to France the following day, at which point everybody lost interest. Continue reading →

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by | July 17, 2014 · 11:00 am

Commonwealth Games athlete claims early sprint record after norovirus outbreak

An Indian weightlifter checks out the facilities

An Indian weightlifter checks out the facilities

An outbreak  of norovirus at the Commonwealth Games Athletes Village has been welcomed by British sprinters keen to get in a little extra practice before the start of the extravaganza.

According to England’s top 100 metre specialist Kyra Dongle, ranked 867th in the world, athletes should grasp every opportunity to get in some extra training. “You have to remain positive,” she said from behind a locked toilet door. “The rushes to the bathroom are definitely sharpening my sprint starts.” Continue reading →

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by | July 13, 2014 · 10:40 pm

Germany win World Cup: English racists definitely need a new chant

Capture

What’s two world wars and one world cup compared to peaceful reunifcation, FOUR world cups and fabulous sausages?

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by | July 9, 2014 · 5:26 pm

New crack in universe traced to Brazil football defeat

fissure

Brazilian net ‘like a black hole’

A massive super-fissure in the fabric of the universe was most likely caused by Brazil’s unprecedented thrashing by Germany, claim scientists at Jodrell Bank.

“The devastating effect of Brazil’s defeat should not be understated,” said Professor Brian Cox. “It almost destroyed the universe.”

The giant crack was first observed Tuesday evening and opened up wide enough to give astrophysicists an unparalleled view of a parallel universe.

“We sat awhile watching an alternative reality fixture between Brazil and Germany,” continued Cox. “The first 80 minutes were much the same as in our own universe, with Germany holding a 7-goal lead over the opposition. But matters took a different turn when the managers made their substitutions.”

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by | · 2:30 pm

Osborne guarantees Indian match-fixing costs

osbornegambling

More donations and votes? You do surprise me

On the first day of his visit to India, George Osborne has announced match-fixers in the sub-continent will soon be eligible for loans backed by the UK government.

“Gambling is one of the UK’s great success stories.” brayed the man born into a wealthy family with an hereditary peerage app; a roll-over winner in the lottery of life “So we’re opening up that market to friends in India, who have friends in the UK with donations to make and votes to sell.” Continue reading →

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by | · 11:30 am

‘We would have beaten Germany’ insists Roy Hodgson

Currently on the run: may be delusional.

Currently on the run: may be delusional.

England coach Roy Hodgson has come out of hiding to give his astonishing opinion on Germany’s 7-1 destruction of Brazil in last night in the World Cup semi-final.

Wearing dark sunglasses and a dazed expression which could have been down to too many Piña Coladas, sunstroke or simply age, the man who lead England to elimination after only two games maintained that his England team could easily have beaten Germany to secure a place in the World Cup final. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Alex Salmond plans ‘Tartan Curtain’ to keep out the English

tartan curtain

Plan has been condemned by the Sporran Office.

Alex Salmond has revealed plans to use miles of unwanted ‘Commonwealth Games Tartan’ to build a defensive curtain around Scotland’s nether regions.

“When we gain independence, naturally we’ll want to strictly limit the number of our neighbours we let in”, roared Salmond. “And what better way to do that, than a wall of plaid from coast to coast?”

Salmond quickly dismissed suggestions that invaders might simply crawl underneath. “No Englishman would dare lift a tartan hem, for fear of what lies beneath”, he insisted.
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by | July 7, 2014 · 7:00 am

Cyclist arrested after dramatic high-speed chase

cyclesting

Reckless maniac didn’t even have a bell.

PC Anita Flegg has been hailed a hero in Harold today following the dramatic arrest of a crazy cyclist who could have caused mayhem on the roads around Harold.

The speeding cyclist was spotted by eagle-eyed PC Flegg during a routine check of local cycle paths.

“He was travelling at an astonishing speed along the main road,” said PC Flegg, “and drinking from a bottle which he threw at me as he passed.”
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