Category Archives: Showbusiness

Film Review: The Imitation Game – the tale of a war hero who is buggered by the State

the_imitation_game-33306If a man whose work shortened the war by two years was destroyed by the state for being gay; who knows what they would have done back in the 1950s to Graham Norton for presenting insipid chat shows.

This World War II movie is a story of the relationship between eccentric mathematical genius, Alan Turing played annoyingly well by Benedict Cumberbatch, and his one true love Christopher, the machine that he created to crack the Nazi enigma codes at the top-secret Bletchley Park.

To break the monotony of frustrated ex-public schoolboys, an alluring Keira Knightley is introduced as a brilliant crossword solver, however it turns out that the gay Turing is not for turning. In a touching scene towards the end of the film, Turing declares his devotion to the whirring Christopher leaving Keira to seek a boffin elsewhere. Continue reading

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Benedict Cumberbatch the Musical opens in London

Benedict Cumberbatch is an ordained minister

It features the heart-rendering ballad Don’t Cry for Me, Martin Freeman

Benedict Cumberbatch the Musical has its première in the West End tonight setting what many are calling the biggest tourist and hen night trap since A Midsummer Night’s Sheeran.

“I’ve done Jesus, I’ve done Eva Peron, now it’s time to do a true legend,” said composer Andrew Lloyd Webber. “Audiences are going to be swept along by the rags-to-riches story as just like Jean Valjean, Benedict grows up in Kensington, attends Harrow then both Manchester University and LAMDA. Finally with just all the contacts he’s made plus both his parents being actors he somehow manages to break into show business. Remarkable.” Continue reading

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Brian Sewell ready to take on Doctor Who role if Scotland votes ‘Yes’

Dr Sewell

Brian Sewell has had the Tardis fitted with a library.

Brian Sewell has revealed that he’s been secretly reshooting the current series of Doctor Who, so Peter Capaldi can be dropped if Scotland votes to leave the UK.

For constitutional reasons, Scottish people will not be allowed on the BBC if Scotland becomes independent. They will join the French and the Germans on an internal list of ‘undesirables’.

But the scheduling of the eighth series of Doctor Who couldn’t have been worse for the corporation – if Scotland votes yes, Capaldi will be out before episode 6 has been aired.

“Obviously we won’t have time to film a ‘regeneration’ so we wanted to find someone else who was rude, elderly and pompous”, said the BBC’s Steven Moffat. “Brian Sewell immediately came to mind, so we drugged him and dragged him to the studio.”
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Joan Rivers to be broken up and recycled after plastic surgeons finally give up

Rivers in 1960, 1976 and 2014.

Rivers in 1960, 1976 and 2014.

Joan Rivers has died, aged 85, 34, 21, 15, 5, and 6 months, according to which part of her body was being assessed by the duty pathologist.

Doctors treating the outspoken comedienne disclosed that although her heart and brain had given up years ago, they had managed to keep her mouth going for the past decade fed on scraps of indiscriminate material gleaned from the tabloid press.

Born early in the last millennium, Joan Cruella Rivers became more famous for her extensive plastic surgery regime than her sharp tongued wit, especially after her tongue was enhanced in the late nineties. She once quipped ‘I come under the surgeon’s knife more often than most women come under their husbands’
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War on terrorism on hold whilst US hunts down source of Jennifer Laurence nude photos

jenWhite House aides have confirmed that any further response to the Isis Crisis has been postponed until the FBI, CIA and other intelligence agencies have apprehended the person responsible for the publication of nude photographs of celebrities without their permission.

“We appreciate that celebrities flaunt their flesh at any opportunity for the delight of their adoring public, but it’s an entirely different thing when this is done without permission and the celebrity is unable to receive payment,” said an official, “this threatens the entire basis of Western Civilisation, far more than the Islamic State which is miles away anyway.”
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Clare Balding be given her own BBC channel

Omnipresent

Omnipresent

Fans who missed Clare Balding from their television screens in the brief two day interlude between the end of the Commonwealth Games and the start of her new series ‘Big Beasts’, were celebrating last night at the news that the BBC is to launch a channel featuring the tomboy next door talents of the ubiquitous TV presenter.

Announcing the launch of the channel to be known as BBC Balding, replacing BBC Three, Director General Tony Hall said, “The new channel’s output will give the licence paying public what they deserve.” Continue reading

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Rolf Harris jailed for naming his daughter Bindi

" Am I pleased to see you or is that an extra leg in my trousers?"

” Am I pleased to see you or is that an extra leg in my trousers?”

Veteran entertainer Rolf Harris was jailed today after being found guilty of “shocking child abuse” by having his only daughter named Bindi.

In sentencing the children’s entertainer, Mr Justice Sweeney said ”Your vile actions cannot be defended. Why couldn’t you have given your child a normal name such as Janet, Susan or even Justice?”

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Sensational Exclusive! Kim Kardashian set to appear in Coronation Street

Kim settles down at the Rovers.

Kim settles down at the Rovers.

The Queen of Reality TV, Kim Kardashian, is reported to have accepted a role on Coronation Street; television’s longest running soap opera.

According to insiders, scenes have already been filmed in which curvaceous Kim, 33, has been cast as a barmaid and distraction for Steve McDonald, the landlord of the Rovers Return. Continue reading

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Ed Miliband ‘will win back voters’ by using more Blair hand gestures

milihands

Miliband hopes to be loved by the nation as much as Blair is.

Ed Miliband has pledged to win back support from disaffected voters by adopting more of Tony Blair’s trademark hand gestures.

With the backs of his hands pushed out in front of him making a sort of odd scooping gesture, advisors insisted Miliband looked more statesman-like, more believable and more sincere.

“This one is called the ‘honesty gates'”, said Miliband, “I’m pushing them in your face. Can you feel yourself warming to me? The focus groups predicted that you would.”

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Cliff finally comes out of the closet

Cliff closet

Cliff chose the popular IKEA ‘Syndrome’ wardrobe, which is made in Stockholm.

Harold’s very own magician and illusionist Cliff Platt has finally emerged from his latest David Blaine-style feat of endurance, having spent the last 79 days in a closet.

Cliff exited his self imposed incarceration to loud applause from his publicist, looking gaunt, weary, and smelling of his own faeces.

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UKIP landslide expected after Farage pledges to withdraw UK from Eurovision Song contest

Farage expresses his opinion.

Farage expresses his opinion.

In yet another popularist move, UKIP Party leader, Nigel Farage has promised to withdrawn Britian from the Eurovision Song Contest if he is elected to power.

“It’s an embarrassing spectacle,” he said, “and Britain should not be shaming itself by camping it up with the very worse of Europe. Especially when we have no chance of winning.”

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Tom Cruise set to play title role in new Elvis Presley biopic

The King hears the news and weeps

The King hears the news and weeps

Following fevered speculation, it has been announced that Tom Cruise, the half pint sized, Hollywood legend has signed to play the part of Elvis Presley when filming of the new biopic ‘Suspicious Minds’ starts in the autumn.

News of his casting is certain to cause a backlash of indignation amongst fans of ‘The King’ but it is believed producers were swayed by his excellent miming performance in the movie ‘Rock of Ages’ and the fact that he can supply all of his own wigs.

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Embarrassed National Gallery admits Van Dyck portrait mix-up

dickvandyke

Chim Chim my arse!

The National Portrait Gallery has admitted that the £10 million campaign to keep Van Dyck’s final self-portrait in the country might not have been good value.

“We were under the impression that this was a 17th century Flemish masterpiece,” explained gallery director Paul Nunney, “But it appears possible that it might actually be a more recent work.”

Dick Van Dyke was perhaps the foremost of the Baroque artists, who became the leading court painter in England after enjoying great success in Italy and Flanders, and was particularly known for his snazzy dance routines and convincing cockney accent.

BBC Arts editor Will Gompertz agreed that there was some uncertainty about the provenance of the painting (pictured above), but pointed out that Van Dyke is credited with having had a revolutionary affect on British portraiture, turning away from the formal Tudor approach, towards a more fluid, modern style, adding: “Me ol’ bam-boo, me ol’ bamboo, You’d better never bother with me ol’ bamboo.”

A gallery spokesman admitted this morning: “On closer examination of the work, there would seem to be the possibility that this has been a Supercalifragilisticexpialifuckup.”

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Critic slams Kurt Cobain suicide note as ‘derivative’

Nirvana

Cobain fans: ‘tragic, too young’

A music critic has poured scorn on a recently revealed suicide letter, found on the body of Kurt Cobain.

The Nirvana frontman left the ‘derivative’ and ‘pedestrian’ note in his wallet, before shamelessly copying Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and other stars by dying while aged 27.

“This note, with its tired references to his wife, drugs and money, is the sort of thing that’s been done hundreds of times before”, said Q Magazine’s Gregory Mallard. “But normally with more nuance, or at least an occasional change in tempo.”
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Farage punk photo ‘may be clever forgery’

sid-and-farage

Suspicion is growing that a photo supposedly showing UKIP leader Nigel Farage in his youth as a rebellious punk rocker is in fact a forgery.

The photo, above, seems to clearly show Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious looking adoringly into Farage’s eyes, and it is these subtle homoerotic overtones which have allegedly caused the UKIP hierarchy to demand a ban from all media outlets.

In fact, close examination by experts has now revealed that despite all appearances, the photo may in fact not be genuine. This is hard to believe, given its authentic appearance, but Photoshop gurus have managed to spot a few tell-tale discrepancies which may begin to cast doubts.
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Nick Clegg loses argument with McDonald’s drive-thru assistant

cleggthru

Clegg was unsure whether to appeal to the left or to the right.

Nick Clegg faced further humiliation this morning, after losing a conversation with a girl working in McDonalds.

Clegg, who revealed he eats cheap meat for comfort if people are mean to him, was left looking ‘out of touch, out of ideas and out of onion rings’ by the ordeal.

Nikki Hampton works at the fast food outlet to pay her way through her degree. Responsible for mumbling the names of burgers and then sniggering as people smash their door mirrors against her booth, she was more than a match for Britain’s deputy PM.

“I knew it was someone pretending to be important by the length of their limo”, said Hampton. “And true enough, when the blackened rear window dropped there was just this sad, little boy-man staring out. When he squeaked ‘a whopper please’, I knew that I’d got him on the ropes. He was literally in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
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Stoke given Freedom of Robbie Williams

robbie

Freedom of Robbie Williams has only been granted to a few fortunate households.

The city of Stoke-on-Trent has finally been released from its shackles, following the granting of the Freedom of Robbie Williams.

Stoke-on-Trent, which is technically a group of six manufactured boy towns, has suffered from Robbie Williams for two decades.

‘This is a blessed relief’ announced the smallest town with a grating voice, Tunstall. ‘That tattooed entertainer has been difficult to live down to. We might be a bit scruffy, short on talent and prone to nicking other people’s songs. But at least now, we don’t have to pretend to be interested in tone-deaf, middle-aged divorcees.’
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Shadowy pink rubber figure vows to ‘buy Noel Edmonds’

blobbybitch

‘Owning Edmonds would be a dream come true’ claimed Blobby.

A secretive enormous lump of wobbling pink latex has revealed plans to ‘buy Noel Edmonds’ in order to improve television immeasurably.

Known only as ‘Mr Blobby’, the mysterious investor claimed ‘Edmonds is broken’ and that allowing him to continue was ‘sleep-walking towards disaster’.

The value of Noel Edmonds is extremely hard to measure, particularly in terms of talent, intelligence and likeability. But somehow, Mr Blobby hopes to scrape together around £1.50, which should more than cover the cost of his total assets.

As with more cherished institutions, Noel Edmonds is thought ripe for asset stripping. Small, tidy beards are considered a delicacy in Vietnam, and an ounce of Edmonds’ gall bladder bile is used to enhance insincerity in remote Chinese villages.
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Mad Pistorius tries to turn murder trial into Oscar Ceremony

oscarFears were expressed for the mental health of athlete Oscar Pistorius, after he bounded into his trial kissed the guard on both cheeks and launched into an acceptance speech thanking “the producers, my parents and, of course, my wonderful girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, without who none of this would have been possible.”

Medical experts believe that Pistorius, the self-styled Blade Runner, may be suffering from a condition known as Oscar Fever which leaves victims believing they are starring in a movie and events of everyday real life are a screenplay they are acting out. It is a common affliction in places such as Hollywood. Continue reading

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Labour ‘sorry’ after revelation Gary Glitter led the party for most of 70s

glitter-thatcher

Gary Glitter in his heyday enjoying a joke with political rival Margaret Thatcher

The Labour party has apologised for “getting it wrong” after revelations that the party was led for much of the 1970s by notorious paedophile Gary Glitter.

A spokesman admitted Labour was “naive” over its links with Glitter, but insisted that paedophilia was now almost totally eradicated from the party, and had only ever been a “minority interest”.

After losing the 1970 general election, Labour famously decided to widen its appeal by seeking new members from the entertainment industry, and figures such as Glitter quickly rose to positions of importance. The present-day party’s insistence that child molestation was not widespread is perhaps questionable, given the presence in the shadow cabinet of Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall,  and the “Child Catcher” out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Continue reading

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