Category Archives: Culture

EXCLUSIVE! Local greengrocer ‘won’t quit’

carrot (1)

A carrot

A greengrocer in Harold has angrily denied that he’s quitting, and instead vowed to continue in his role.

Defiantly operating his till and a sort of weighing contraption to the left of it, Dominic Evans of ‘Evans Vegetables and Sons’ faced up to a string of customers, one at a time.

The move to stay put comes quickly after the departure of Cllr Ron Ronsson: he brushed past our reporter carrying a melon and some carrots.

Despite the ‘cash for fruit’ controversy, no-one has actually called for Evans to leave. But they will do, once a journalist gets to the front of the queue. “What on earth are talking about?” demanded Evans. “Where the f*** would I go?”, before adding “do you want those potatoes or not?”

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Business, Culture, News

Dave’s output will more than half if Top Gear is cancelled

image Digital TV station Dave has admitted if the BBC don’t film anymore of the motoring show Top Gear, their output will fall by more than half in two years’ time.

With Top Gear repeating on “the home of witty banter” more than Brussels sprouts repeat on the consumers of a Christmas dinner, it has become a staple of their schedule. The potential cancellation of the hit show will leave a massive gap on the channel.
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Filed under Culture, News

Apple self-winding watch ‘goes flat the moment you stop masturbating’

image
A new ‘smart’ watch from Apple that harnesses kinetic energy from frenetic hand movements stops functioning ‘the moment you stop abusing yourself’, according to reports.

Apple claims that the tiny device has a standby time ‘over 25 seconds’, but some testers have found it to be less than ‘half a stroke’ in practice.
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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News

British-born jihadists using Syria as a tax haven

Opening a tax return form from HMRC HMRC has waded into the war on terrorism claiming that many of the British-born jihadists are basing themselves in Syria as part of a global tax dodging scheme.

“Fundraising for IS, al-Qaeda or Boko Haram is not only morally wrong, but by moving their jihadi activity offshore they are effectively robbing the treasury of some much-needed revenue,” the Taxpayers’ Alliance said

“How can we stop radicalisation if these terrorists aren’t paying their dues?”
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Filed under Culture, International News, News

World finally gives up and starts debating the colour of a dress

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The world has officially thrown in the towel today with the threat of terrorism, corrupt politicians and a dodgy banking sector and decided to just concentrate on the colour of a dress.

Social media, which has been traditionally been a healthy mix of cats and memes with debate on the biggest issues facing us, pulled the plug on giving a shit any more as more and more users put their opinion on the precise shades used in a dress.
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Filed under Culture, Fashion, News

Paul Dacre leaves house wearing unflattering suit, sporting high forehead haircut, and no make-up

Paul Dacre, editor of The Daily Mail, arrives at the High Court to give evidence to the Leveson Inquiry on February 9, 2012 Paul Dacre has been pictured leaving his house this morning, possibly to meet a woman, or a man, or to buy a paper, wearing an unflattering suit and carrying more than a few extra pounds.

His daring outfit, comprising a grey two-piece suit in a dark galactic grey teamed with a white shirt with unflattering blue vertical pinstripes and a burgundy tie, left the Daily Mail editor looking older than his years.
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Filed under Culture, News

Cruelty claims at halal vets

halal pup

Customers ‘left stunned’ – unlike the animals.

A veterinary surgery that claims to follow halal practices has drawn protests in the village of Harold.

Following guidelines for animal welfare dictated by an angel some 1,400 years ago, the Jamuh Haariat practice treats a range of ailments using only a sharp knife.

“While we could use an anaesthetic, that isn’t specifically mentioned in the Quran”, explained Dr Haariat. “That either means they weren’t invented then, or more likely, Allah forbids them.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Food, Medicine

Lance Armstrong: “The public should forgive me for getting caught, I’d try not be found out next time”

imageThe world’s biggest Lycra-clad liar and drugs cheat Lance Armstrong has said he should be forgiven for getting caught.

He has told the BBC that he regrets getting caught cheating but says the public should forgive him and understand that it was never his wish to be found out. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Sport

BBC announces Spy Competition to find leaders for Blue Peter Youth movement.

Flag made from sticky backed plastic and a pair of Val's old knickers.

Flag made from sticky backed plastic and a pair of Val’s old knickers.

BBC bosses have announced a children’s spy competition in conjunction with MI5 to find kids with the right ‘attitude and qualifications’ to lead the new Blue Peter Youth movement.

The Blue Peter Youth is being set up as a social initiative to encourage children to take part in local activities such as collecting milk bottle tops for charity, dog walking, racism, and bracing outdoor activities like cycling, hill walking and book burning. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment, Media, Politics, TV, Uncategorized

WARNING: Some may find this image disturbing

Following news events over the last few days, we have decided to publish a picture that some may find controversial. We do it defiance of those who try to break us, in defiance of those who are desperate to force change upon us, and in defiance of those who wish to devalue our traditions.

creme egg

Cadbury, leave our Creme Eggs alone.

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Filed under Culture, Easter, International News, Law and Order, News, Uncategorized

First Waitrose service station will sell sparkling diesel with twist of jasmine

waitrose fuel

They’ll even fill your tyres with hot air.

With milk now cheaper than water in some supermarkets, and petrol also cheaper than water in all of them, Waitrose are hoping to inspire shoppers to treat themselves with fancier fuel.

Offering a range of sparkling diesels and EC-compliant fruit-scented petrols, the first Waitrose service station is already drawing a queue of discerning motorists.

“People take petrol for granted, now that you can buy a litre of ‘cooking unleaded’ for under a quid”, said Rupert Thomas, Marketing Director.

“But a hint of jasmine or jojoba oil from your tailpipe lets those behind you know that you favour a more select way of burning your money.”
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Filed under Business, Culture, Motoring

Image of the figure Ayman al-Zawahiri insists other die for

In an act of solidarity with other papers, we are publishing the controversial image of the figure that Al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri truly worships, and insists other should die for.

Here it is…

Ayman al-Zawahiri

Ayman al-Zawahiri

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Filed under Culture, International News, Uncategorized

Channel 5 admit Celebrity Big Brother ‘just a hoax’ to get Katie Hopkins off Twitter for 2 weeks

Hopkins listens intently for the sound of her own voice as she speaks out of her ar*e

Hopkins listens intently for the sound of her own voice as she speaks out of her ar*e

Channel 5 have admitted that this year’s Celebrity Big Brother is just a hoax to get Katie Hopkins out of the public eye for 2 weeks.

“We have no intention of televising this year’s programme,” a channel 5 spokesman said, “w Continue reading

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Filed under Culture

The 50 most irritating people of 2014: The Top 20

Top 3This is it, the top 20 of our top 50 most irritating people of 2014.

Is that a drum roll we can hear in the distance, or perhaps a fanfare in honour of our No.1?

This list has been lovingly created after weeks of irritable evaluation. Several late bids have been made, but the standard this year is very high, so the person who shook their popcorn behind me continually at the cinema last night has still only reached No.72, just above the creators of Frozen. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Royals, Social media

BuzzFeed quizzes ‘may not be accurate’ says 3 metre tall sabre-toothed Vauxhall Viva named Princess Buttercup

Princess Buttercup says quiz results "inconceivable"

Princess Buttercup says quiz results “inconceivable”

A Harold man has questioned the reliability of BuzzFeed quizzes after discovering he is a 3 metre tall sabre-toothed Vauxhall Viva named Princess Buttercup.

“I was sure I’d be a Ford Cortina” said Princess Buttercup, previously known as Brian Green.

Buttercup, whose favourite colour is mauve (“slightly effeminate, passive-aggressive”), is also the US state of Montana (“you like wide-open spaces and animals, and drink corn liquor through a straw”) and is / was John Lennon (“you are peace-loving, like Japanese women, and are incautious around strangers”).
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture

The 50 Most Irritating People of 2014: Part III

23. No Diana effect for Bonio after that accident.

23. No Diana effect for Bonio after that accident.

We’re now into the top 30 of our countdown of the top irritants of the last year.

Just to emphasise, this is a list of irritating people. If there was any way we could bend the rules to include meerkats they would be sure to make the Top 10. Perhaps we should think about a Top 50 most irritating animals next year?

Today we have shock news as some of your favourites fail to make the Top 20, including the bloke on the left:

 

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, Society

‘Disappointment as ‘My Times’ Facebook post ‘just full of chips’

fishnchipsinnewspaper

Much too neatly arranged for our tastes. Still fish & chips though!

Local show-off Dave Evans expressed his disappointment in an app that summarised his year as a newspaper, when it turned out to be ‘just full of chips’.

‘I’d seen other ‘My Times’ posts, with pictures of people holding new babies or bragging about a new kitchen, so I immediately thought ‘who wouldn’t like to read about me?’ said Evans.

‘But when it trawled through my life, it summarised my year as a small pile of chips. Continue reading

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The 50 most irritating people of 2014: Part II

Robbie Savage. The only table he's ever moved up.

Robbie Savage. The only table he’s ever moved up.

We continue our countdown of the Festive Top 50 with numbers 40 to 31.

Has your (least) favourite featured yet?

There is still time to vote, and votes for Mrs Brown’s Boys will count double if we invoke the Lee Evans rule from 2013. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Society

The 50 most irritating people of 2014: Part I

Down to 41 from 20. Only half as irritating as last year.

Down to 41 from 20. Only half as irritating as last year.

It’s the final knockings of 2014 and once again, it’s time to reveal the most irritating people of the past year.  The usual rules apply; we have excluded politicians, but can’t guarantee that a certain Mr Farage won’t make the list as we’re still not sure if he qualifies as a politician. Time will tell.

Today we start our countdown with numbers 50 to 41: Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, Society

Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter to get shared custody of Johnny Depp

tim-burton-helena-bonham-carter-split

Double Christmas presents for Johnny!

Following the news of the separation of Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter, a family court ruled this morning that the pair will be granted shared custody of Johnny Depp.

According to court insiders, the custody hearing was a simple formality, with a standard shared care routine being established, where Depp will spend spend weekends with Burton drawing spirals moodily in the snow with a severed bone, and weekdays screaming maniacally in a padded room with Bonham Carter.
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