No this isn’t Dave, but it’s a scary thought isn’t it?
A complicated fraud trial has been halted by a Judge because of cuts at the Ministry of Justice.
“To be strictly accurate, there is essentially one ‘Cut’ responsible.” said Alex Cameron QC, working free of charge on the application yesterday, “Chris Grayling, known as the ‘Unkindest Cut of all’ down at the Bailey. At least I think that’s what they call him.” Continue reading
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With Max Clifford being found guilty on several counts of indecent assault, the main star of the trial, his small penis, has said it will write a book about it’s experiences and go on a book signing tour.
“Having a little cock attached to you is hard to live with, especially when that cock is Max,” Little Clifford said outside court.
The size of Clifford’s penis size was called into question during the trial, with it being described as ‘very small’.
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An expert from Sotheby’s has confirmed that a medieval-looking manuscript he found in the kitchen of a vegetarian restaurant in Harold is an authentic Chaucerian artefact from the mid-fourteenth century.
Restaurant owner Pippa Delaney was incredulous on hearing the news. “I can’t believe how long I’ve been saying I must sort out that kitchen drawer,” she said.
“Quaint little villages like Harold are full of priceless gems from yesteryear, tucked away in cupboards and attics,” said the Sotheby’s expert. “I just had a gut feeling in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! although that may have been the lentil and three-bean soup.”
“Well, thank goodness he asked for a rummage in my drawers,” said Pippa, “I would have put that smelly scrap of paper in the bin for sure. The mustiness was bad enough, but the handwriting and spelling were a disgrace.”
Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Culture, Dating, Economy, Law and Order, Politics
“Do you want some?” When offering tea
Have you ever been embarrassed when a finance director keeps on asking you to justify your expenses claim? Maybe you were busy doing important stuff and forgot to explain but telling him to ‘P*ss off’ is rarely wise.
Sometimes your own career simply hasn’t prepared you for the task. If, say, you’ve worked in advertising – making things up for a living – you might not realise that sometimes people are supposed to be open and honest. Continue reading
“Not the box set!”
After complaints from the literary establishment against the new policy of banning prison inmates from receiving books, protests have now spread to relatives of the prisoners, who have found to their discomfort that all reading material must be smuggled inside by the usual channels, specifically the rectum.
Anal contraband is a part of everyday prison life, but the items smuggled have usually been rather smaller than, say, a 759-page copy of the last Harry Potter novel, and relatives are finding themselves stretched as never before. Continue reading
Hitting back at comments from Pope Francis that they must ‘stop doing evil’ if they wish to avoid hell, mafia bosses have said they will stop ‘if the Catholic Church stops first’.
Warning the criminal organisation with such phrases as ‘blood-stained money, blood-stained power, you can’t take it all with you, even if you are a nice Pope’, mafia bosses say they would be willing to give up any criminal tendencies they may have, as long as the Church took the lead.
“We are not saying one crime is any worse than another,” one don explained, “but we are sure as well as hating torture and murder, God isn’t that keen on paedophilia and widespread corruption either.
Luckily, Rose Lee had 40 surplus dogs available
Fairly popular local animal charity, Harold Dog Rescue, is appealing for urgent financial help, following a break-in over last weekend.
“When I woke up on Monday morning, I was horrified to find that all forty dogs had been nicked” said centre manager Alison Lee, who was only appointed last month. “The very worst thing is that our well-meaning elderly and retired volunteers now have nothing to do. So as an emergency measure, we decided to buy in some new stock.”
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Following on from the previous success of the OJ Simpson trial, and now the Oscar Pistorius murder trial, Sky have announced the next big ‘celebrity murdering partner’ court case will be pay-per-view.
“Of course it is sad that someone has to die in these cases, and if we could somehow have a murder trial without it then we would,” a Sky Box Office spokesman said.
“But that aside, there is money to be made. With added revenue from an armchair jury willing to pay £15 a week for the entertainment, we could get Ant and Dec to present it with expert analysis from law experts and previous defendants.” Continue reading
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New Barclays logo also very popular
In a shock announcement which has delighted the nation, Barclays has confirmed that it plans to create between 10,000 and 12,000 jobs this year, and has decreased its bonus pool by 10%.
Campaigners praised Barclays for showing how a massive company can make a huge difference to the lives of ordinary workers, without doing any harm to efficiency or profitability.
“I suppose this may not be what people expected”, Chief Executive Antony Jenkins told the Evening Harold, “But we just realised that all this stuff about having to pay ever huger bonuses to ‘attract talent’ is actually pure bollocks. It turns out that there are quite a few bright people who would be more than happy to earn 100 grand a year without ten times that as a bonus – who’d have thought it?”
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Clegg warned Knox that she could face the naughty step.
Amanda Knox was convicted by Italian courts of murdering Meredith Kercher for a second time, but is expected to appeal. Nick Clegg thinks that while Knox’s innocence or guilt is still in the balance, it would be better for everyone if she said sorry and avoided holidaying in Rome.
“The trouble with the law is that one person says one thing and then another says something else”, explained Clegg. “And before long, it gets really confusing and someone has to explain it to me.”
“But as I say to my kids when I hear them arguing upstairs: just say sorry, and then we can all forget about it.”
Amanda Knox had her initial conviction for murder overturned in 2011, but this overturn was overturned in March 2013. “See what I mean? You can waste hours trying to reach some form of justice. Come on luv, just look sad and move on.”
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Public are advised to avoid the album at all costs.
An album by Justin Bieber is facing prosecution after inflicting itself on an innocent driver.
The disparate collection of mp3 tracks, known collectively as ‘Believe’, caused the driver to deliberately drive into a wall.
“I was heading down the A34 minding my own business, doing the ‘steering wheel drums’ to a track by Bruce Springsteen”, said the victim, Derek Handley.
“Suddenly there was a terrible pain in my ears and my vision was clouded by a red mist. I’d been set upon by a youth, probably Bieber or One Direction”, said Handley.
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Reversing round corners still a tricky manoeuvre
Following the opening of Wetherspoon’s pubs at all motorway service stations, the Driving Standards Agency has announced that the UK driving test will be changed to include a ‘lager and vodka shots’ drinking contest.
The driving test has changed format over the years, for example with the addition of vehicle safety questions and the Hazard Perception Test, but this is the first time that candidates will be penalised for not being hardcore enough to drink ten pints of Stella in thirty minutes. Continue reading
Medics eventually arrived to rub salt into his wounds.
Tony Blair is said to be in a critical condition after a member of the public carried out a routine citizen’s Stop and Search on the former PM.
‘have-a-go-hero’ Melanie Jones spotted Blair driving around in broad daylight, and instinctively knew she should bring him in.
“It was so brazen, this known criminal was just cruising around without so much as a by your leave”, said Jones. “So I slammed my car into the side of his before shooting him in citizen’s self defence.”
Police eventually arrived on the scene after consulting their lawyers and carrying out a risk assessment. Later they decided that they ought to email for an ambulance, as soon as they’d finished searching the scene for incriminating evidence.
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Oh God, not that!
Following reports of an internet-connected fridge being caught sending out spam emails, another fridge has been discovered taking advantage of its online capability by ordering takeaway pizza and watching pornography late into the night.
The device, an LG Chillmaster 4000, is one of the new generation of fridges which have access to the internet, although what this could be used for has not been clear until now.
Security firm Proofpoint were investigating a recent virus attack which has compromised media PCs and smart TV sets when they raided a private house in the UK village of Harold, expecting to find the hacker responsible. Instead, they burst in on the large silver fridge slumped in a corner of the kitchen, surrounded by empty beer bottles, doors akimbo and “acting in a threatening manner.” Continue reading
Recent police figures reported in the Daily Mail have suggested “over half of all convicted tube pickpockets are Romanian” leading to calls for better training.
“There are actually fewer Romanian pickpockets than there are British ones, but they are shit at it and are getting caught more often,” one modern day Artful Dodger told us.
Filed under Crime, Culture, International News, News
It could be you …
This Friday has been branded by experts as “Red Friday”, as it is statistically the day in the year when your boss is most likely to be murdered by a disgruntled subordinate.
“The Friday of the first working week of the New Year, is well known as a dangerous time for managers,” confirmed Inspector Damion Briggs of the Metropolitan Police’s Bossicide Squad. “We recommend that anyone in a supervisory role considers the necessity of visiting the workplace today. Working from home this Friday may very well save your life.”
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You’re nicked, me old beauty
Shortly before the House of Lords vetoed the new law which would criminalise “causing nuisance or annoyance to any person”, it emerged that the law has already been used once – to arrest David Cameron and all his government ministers.
The new law allows anyone to be arrested and sent to prison for doing anything annoying at all, and has drawn admiration from repressive dictatorships the world over, but few expected it to be used so quickly on such a high-profile victim.
Acting on a tip-off from a man in Hull, police swooped on Downing Street yesterday in ‘Operation Fuckknuckle’, quickly rounding up someone they described only as “A 47-year-old Prime Minister” and his gang of shady associates. Continue reading
After me, everyone! ‘We’re all going on a Summer holiday…’
Just in time for tonight’s celebrations, an amateur DJ from the village of Harold has unveiled what people are already calling the ‘perfect New Year’s Eve song’, by mixing up the melody from Cliff Richard’s popular classic The Millennium Prayer with the words from obscure poem Auld Lang Syne by little-known Scottish poet Robert Burns.
‘It was one of those things that just click,’ explained 46-year-old R. M. Renfield. ‘I was listening to the Cliff song – what a classic – and I just thought, great though these lyrics are, let’s think the unthinkable and see what it sounds like without them. Now, this is going to sound hard to believe, but I had a recording of someone reciting this old Scottish poem, Auld Lang Syne, it’s called, I think that’s Gaelic, and I had this sudden inspiration – why not mix them up? And my God, it sounded good, they could have been made for each other!’ Continue reading
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Have you seen this man?
European Interpol chief Claude Reinmens said the search for Blair had gone cold and they needed the public’s help. “We have searched all the obvious places, Blair’s 9 houses, oil company headquarters, and Wendi Deng’s bedroom. We even searched the International Criminal Court in the Hague, but they hadn’t seen him either.”
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Filed under Crime, International News, Law and Order, Politics
Biggs – pictured shortly after his ‘death’
The authenticity of the news of the death of Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has been surrounded by mystery since the announcement of his demise so neatly ties in with the BBC mini-series screening of a drama about the ‘so called’ Great Train Robbery.
Having been released from prison on ‘compassionate grounds’, Biggs’ remarkable recovery from ‘death’s door’ in 2009 was bound to raise speculation that his current ‘death’ was no more than another publicity scam for one final payday from the BBC. Continue reading
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