New driving test to include mental apeshit crazy drinking contest


Reversing round corners still a tricky manoeuvre

Following the opening of Wetherspoon’s pubs at all motorway service stations, the Driving Standards Agency has announced that the UK driving test will be changed to include a ‘lager and vodka shots’ drinking contest.

The driving test has changed format over the years, for example with the addition of vehicle safety questions and the Hazard Perception Test, but this is the first time that candidates will be penalised for not being hardcore enough to drink ten pints of Stella in thirty minutes.

“We are continually fine-tuning the test to more accurately reflect typical driving conditions,” explained DSA spokesman Darren Rogers. “Cars are more powerful than they used to be, roads are more congested, and now everyone is driving after nine or ten pints – we need to make sure new drivers are ready.”

Initial reactions from candidates show that the new test is actually more enjoyable than the previous format. Testing centres have been fitted with bars, and the examiner and candidate spend a pleasant half-hour getting absolutely wankered before the practical driving begins. Candidates are marked on their ability to knock back pints in one without excessive vomiting, and their willingness to get their round in. Many people are finding that this relaxes them nicely before the more stressful part of the test, and with examiners and candidates frequently becoming best friends for life, pass rates are soaring.


It’s all in the Highway Code

Some tweaks to the driving part of the test might take a little longer to bed in – the new “three pint turn” is proving hard for many candidates to manage without spillage, and after drinking the five pints before setting out, examiners are having to request far more emergency stops than usual.

Not everyone is positive about the new test, however. There are fears among road safety campaigners that some younger people are not taking the whole thing seriously enough, after the recent social media craze of videoing particularly difficult parts of the driving test and challenging their friends to do better. However, the DSA believes that youtube videos of candidates performing tricky hill starts while remembering the correct order of salt, tequila, lemon will help youngsters to master some of the more complicated drinking manoeuvres faster.

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