Author Archives: waylandsmithy

Ed Miliband to lose charitable status

Ed

More wasteful than a panda charity.

Ailing opposition leader Ed Miliband has lost his charitable status, according to union leaders.

The GMB’s General Secretary, Paul Kenny, explained that ‘like an elderly aunt who’s riddled with cancer, the time has come to stop throwing money at a lost cause’, before adding ‘we must accept that he isn’t going to get any better’.

Since he was first discovered in 2010, Ed Miliband has absorbed millions of pounds of funding. But experts admit that they’ve found out virtually nothing about him, what he thinks or why his face doesn’t work properly.

Supporters of Miliband insist he’s not going to give in without a fight, and have released a ‘before’ and ‘after’ picture to prove he’s on the mend. But some claim the move was a catastrophic ‘own goal’, because the ‘after’ image turned out to be his brother, David.
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Filed under Badgers, Economy, Politics, science

Microsoft announces Finland ‘no longer supported’

finland-300x234

C’est Fin.

Following its acquisition of Nokia phones, Microsoft has surprised cartographers by withdrawing all support for Finland.

Famed for its ability to absorb popular things and then fundamentally ruin them, Microsoft has already gained valuable experience in making phones virtually unusable with its Windows 8 operating system.

But while the corporate giant has been happy with only wrecking trivial things such as Skype, video games and social media, it now feels the time is right to bugger up a whole country.

Nokia’s vice-president Stephen Elop moved to the company from Microsoft in 2010, but disappointed the software giant by making their phones slightly better. Unwilling to risk another resurgence of the once-great mobile manufacturer, Microsoft is taking immediate steps to remove all traces of Finland.
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Filed under Business, Economy, Technology

Amateur scientists ‘put dog into orbit’

trebuchet

Team will coax dog back to Earth ‘using liver or biscuits’

Harold has taken its first tentative step in the international space race, as a local team of scientists claim to have put a dog in geostationary orbit.

Just 56 short years after Russia first launched a stray called Laika into space, the resourceful villagers stated they were ‘well on the way’ to setting up a commercial operation to ‘repeatedly and reliably make dogs go far away’.
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Filed under Business, science, Technology, Vikings

Villagers blame fracking for Mothra attacks

fracking moths

Up from the depths, 30 storeys high: Cuadrilla. Cuadrilla. Cuadrilla!

A sharp increase in the number of attacks by an angry, giant moth is being blamed on fracking by locals.

‘Mothra’, a devine kaiju or ‘strange creature’ that normally protects mankind from monsters such as the tyranosaur-like Cuadrilla, was discovered under a field outside Harold last Thursday. Wrenched from the ground in larvae form during a tentative light frack, Mothra was discarded by Cuadrilla after she proved too hard to set fire to.

“My theory is that this creature had been resting just below my potatoes”, explained farmer Evans. “She was probably all content and that, because the bees have come back. But when Cuadrilla drilled through her hidey-hole, she really got the hump. That’s when she went off on one and started beaming stuff with her face.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Crime, science

English Sports scientist resurrects bails from 1882 Ashes

ashes

Brimful of Ashes.

A sports scientist at the cutting edge of technology has revealed plans to recreate the original bails from cricket’s famous 1882 ‘Ashes’.

When the unthinkable happened 131 years ago and ‘the colonies’ won on British soil, it was announced that ‘English cricket was dead’ and the bails were ceremonially burned.But thanks to three straight wins on the trot and a burning need to rub it in to the Aussies, Derek Hampton thinks the time is right to resurrect the once exctinct sport.

“By pouring the Ashes into a 3D printer, we should be able to ‘clone’ the bails back to life”, insisted Hampton. “I’ve plugged mine in and it looks pretty straightforward, although I’ve got to be careful not to accidentally fax them.”
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Filed under Sport, Technology

Village blows flood defence budget on permanently manned lifeboat station

RNLI

Cllr Ronnson claims the boat is ‘way cooler’ than palettes of sandbags.

Locals have reacted angrily to a new lifeboat station that has appeared in the village high street.

Although Harold has suffered from minor flooding in the past two years out of seven, opponents claim the lifeboat is an ‘inappropriate response’ in a community 160 miles from the sea.

Last winter, two basement ‘man caves’ and a home cinema were slightly damaged when the River Toksvig burst its banks. Images of a mildewed sofa and a sodden Star Wars poster will still be seared on the minds of our readers from those calamitous events.
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics

Local Lothario celebrates eighth full year of paternity leave

kyle

‘Wedding video’ was widely watched.

A womaniser from Harold’s Shippam’s Estate is celebrating tonight, after securing his eighth full year of paternity leave. Dave Grobbelaar, 27, received the happy news by text message from ‘girlfriend’ Sandy Twittock, while feeling up her sister in the snug of The Squirrel Licker’s Arms.

While Grobbelaar claims to be ‘an all-round handyman’, those too close to him claim he’s inexperienced with all but one tool. Confirmed father of around 15% of the local population, Grobbelaar now has his own parking space at the Tarbuck antenatal clinic.

“Being a serial father can be a risky business”, claimed Grobbelaar, ‘you can’t rely on paternity leave, unless you’re sure the mum is working.”
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Filed under Culture, Dating, DNA, Economy

Closure fears for precinct’s ‘Bongo Bongo Land’

bongbongo

Um bongo um bongo, they play them outside Tesco.

Harold’s leading ethnic percussionist has claimed his shop may not survive, following a withering attack by local politician Ron Ronsson.

Bongo Bongo Land has been selling slightly shoddy hand drums since 1993, when they took over the units previously occupied by failed Dawn’s Zulu Xylophones and the adjoining African airline agent, Fly Tse Tse.

With locals keen to add an international flavour to their conservatories and hallways, George Evans’ deer-hided instruments were once the perfect accompaniment to Indonesian face masks, native American dream catchers and ‘Welsh Drums’ made from a bin lid and half a brick.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Politics, Travel

Nail that interview! 10 Tips to GUARANTEE that job!

Mr Horse before

Straight from Mr Horse’s mouth

With news that Britain’s economy has surged a teeny, weeny amount, now’s as good a time as any to go and get a job.

With these ten red-hot tips under your skin from former businessman John Horse, that job’s as good as yours. What’s stopping you? Knock that boss dead!
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Lifestyle

Revealed: Ed Miliband employed on zero hours contract

edinabox

Mr Miliband insists he is a valued member of the team, despite spending 98% of his time in a box.

Following an application under the Freedom of Information Act, the Evening Harold has discovered that Labour leader Ed Miliband is employed on a ‘zero hours’ contract.

Despite ostensibly having a proper job that excludes him from claiming benefits, data shows that the MP for Doncaster North has done less than 35 minutes paid work in the last 3 years.

“It’s not ideal, but I have a strong work ethic”, insisted Miliband. “I’m prepared to do what it takes to stay on the job ladder. Obviously, it would be nice to feel wanted and to have something to say, but I must emphasise:  for those 35 minutes, I was fully committed to leading an effective opposition.”
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Filed under Economy, Politics

Stars come out for village Wasp Festival

waspchild

A bait child practices being attractive to wasps

With just two days to go until the Annual Harold Wasp Festival, organizers are dusting off their tennis racquets and polishing their jam traps.

And thanks to a winter breeding programme in the loft of the local pub, their are hopes that this year could break the 1976 record.

“Back then, we took our seasonal wasp genocide for granted”, explained legendary ‘wasp whisperer’ John Horse. “We downed more than 1,200 of the little buggers  before Saturday lunchtime. Barely a bee was bruised but the jaspers were littering the streets. I’ve still got my commemorative rolled-up programme.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Art, Culture, Uncategorized

Pope insists ‘homosexuality is OK as long as you follow me on Twitter’

rainbowpope

Pope attributes his softening to age.

Pope Francis has revealed a softening  on the Vatican’s homosexual position, insisting ‘you shouldn’t knock it until you’ve at least given it a try’.

Reflecting changing views in society and a new, more fluffy form of catholicism, the 266th Pope admitted he was partial to the odd ‘pink pound’.

“It’s a question of balance and including as many people as possible”, suggested His Holiness. “I’d be glad to be gay, although I draw the line at letting someone pop it in.”
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Filed under Politics, Religion, Sex

Top Gear under fire for faking Richard Hammond’s personality

richard-hammond

Presenter ‘basically a sausage and cardboard’

The BBC has again been forced to apologise for Top Gear, after it was revealed that Richard Hammond’s personality had been faked.

Hammond, a 4’9″ pile of crudely moulded spam, has been used by the show regularly to make up the number of oafs. But audiences weren’t explicitly told that he was a shaped heap of minced cheap cuts, a situation the BBC admitted was ‘regrettable’.

“When we agreed to Clarkson’s demands for a meat-based dwarf gollum, we didn’t think anyone would take it too seriously”, insisted BBC Apologizer Quentin Sharpes. “It’s pretty obvious it’s just made from hair gel and the eyes of a Slow Loris, topped off with a massively oversized watch.”
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Filed under Culture, Fashion, Penguins, spam

Booker Longlist includes shampoo bottle, Top Trumps card, recipe for mince

scissors

Judges currently favouring single-sided entries

Organisers of the Harold Booker Literary prize have been accused of ‘dumbing down’, after the longlist was revealed to contain nothing thicker than a pamphlet.

With the label from a shampoo bottle being amongst the selected few, some think the list is just a collection of things Ron Ronsson reads while he’s sat on the toilet.

“Not a bit of it”, said Ronsson, clutching a packet of tampons. “All of the entrants are here purely on merit. And with 13 of the buggers to read before August, did you really expect us to squeeze in a novel?”
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Filed under Around Harold, Art, Business, Culture

Newsagent reports surge in demand for Aussie sports papers

Watson

Ha. Haha. Hahahahahaha.

A newsagents in Harold has reported a 200-fold increase in orders for antipodean newspapers with miserable-looking sports failures on the front.

Before Thursday, Derek Evans rarely sold a copy of the Sydney Sports Echo, and Oz Cricket Monthly had been banned by the council. But following England’s success in cricket, bicycles and Wimbledon, owning such a periodical is now virtually compulsory.

“This is a good one”, said Evans, holding up a copy of the Wollagaloo Sporting Gazette. “You can see some phlegm on Watson’s face, where Clarke has been shouting ‘you have my full support’ at it.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Sport

Village issues Level 3 street party warning

carnival

Mardi Gras or Mardy Bum?

Villagers in Harold are being asked to keep an eye on vulnerable neighbours who might be tempted to carnival in sweltering temperatures.

With the mercury rising and the sun beating down, some members of the community could be tempted to make the most of the weather. But Councillor Ron Ronsson warned against such infuriatingly continental behaviour, and urged residents to maintain a stiff upper lip.

“The elderly and the young are at the greatest risk of making the most of this weather”, insisted Ronsson. “Because the rest of us are stuck working in the office. But while al fresco dining and lively music might seem a good idea at first, I’ve got one word for you all: ‘wasps’.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture

Goat castrator opens new branch of ‘Wether Spoons’

wether spoon

Wether spoons traditionally used to remove a goat’s plums

A supplier of farmyard castration equipment is opening a ‘Wether Spoons’ in the high street of Harold – but lawyers for a similarly named chain of pubs have complained, claiming they don’t want to be associated with the cutlery used for removing goat testes.

“It’s ridiculous”, claimed Brian Thorvald, a keen amateur castrator. “We sell special sharp spoons that make it easy to whip out a billy-goat’s plums. Once de-balled, the goat is technically known as a ‘wether’, as any fool knows. So what else could you possibly call our business?”

Wether Spoons hopes to launch a whole chain of shops selling sweetbread removers, and this first one will be known as ‘The Moons Under the Bridge’. But Sarah Kildare, a lawyer representing the pub chain, thinks Thorvald is deliberately yanking their chain.
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Filed under Business, Economy

Tech-savvy toddlers ‘falling over themselves’ for BBC’s 3D-eebies

cbeebies 3d copyBritain’s toddlers and babies are making a beeline for the latest ‘must have’ home entertainment craze, following successful trials of the BBC’s new 3D children’s channel.

3D-eebies is available through Freeview, and promises to revolutionise the way children gawp at brightly coloured idiots. But some parents claim that a fully immersive world with undue focus on rainbows could create yet another generation of teenagers who are bored by reality. Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Technology, Uncategorized

Fans delighted to be part of JK Rowling’s ‘secret’ bar tab

rowling

Rowling ‘inspired’ by legendary top shelf.

Regulars at a local pub have insisted they have ‘nothing but praise’ for a secret bar tab set up by author JK Rowling. The tab, which runs to some 20 or so pages, reveals a lot about what the woman puts into herself and what she left behind noisily by the bins.

Eddie, landlord at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms, is normally reluctant to offer credit. But with only one good eye and a foul murky fug obscuring the Snug, he’d assumed the stranger sat in front of him was Helen Mirren.

“Even the Salvation Army woman in Harold is a borderline alcoholic, so I’m used to watching people putting a few away”, said Eddie. “But when she knocked back her 15th pint of ‘Butterbeer’, which was basically Vermouth, Lurpak and Baileys, I knew there was something magical about her.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy

World’s Oldest Calendar ‘probably from Woolworths’

calendarExperts believe they’ve found the origin of an ancient calendar, after deciphering a price tag on the back.

Villager Gill Gates discovered the calendar buried amongst ritual items, in a box marked ‘Christmas’ in her loft.

“When I dusted this fascinating object down, I realised I was looking at one of the earliest methods of recording time”, said Gates. “It even predates the controversial one my grandfather kept in his kitchen; the one with an image of a tennis girl, idly scratching at her arse.”

At first, Gates believed the calendar was from late Plastocenic period: a simpler time when the tv channels didn’t broadcast during the day. “It could have been carved from materials at hand, and then decorated using poster paints”, suggested Gates. “It’s just the sort of thing that could have been knocked up in a shed.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Art, News