A newsagents in Harold has reported a 200-fold increase in orders for antipodean newspapers with miserable-looking sports failures on the front.
Before Thursday, Derek Evans rarely sold a copy of the Sydney Sports Echo, and Oz Cricket Monthly had been banned by the council. But following England’s success in cricket, bicycles and Wimbledon, owning such a periodical is now virtually compulsory.
“This is a good one”, said Evans, holding up a copy of the Wollagaloo Sporting Gazette. “You can see some phlegm on Watson’s face, where Clarke has been shouting ‘you have my full support’ at it.”
Available laminated for picnic tables or framed to hang in the lavatory, all the latest images of miserable, broken sportsmen now feature regularly in the houses of Harold.
“I don’t know anything about the sport, but I love the camaradie it brings”, enthused Pippa Delaney. “We can all come together and jeer at a picture of a crying Aussie.”
In fact, finding sporting success has also bought a welcome boost to other businesses in Harold. Not least, the TV room of the Squirrel Licker’s Arms.
“Business has been brisk, although we didn’t sell much Fosters” said landlord Eddie. “It’s quite surprising really, because we haven’t got a telly. But I have borrowed a smartphone and I just shout out when we get a wicket, then everyone gets another round in.”
“We’re doing really well, we got 35 wickets in the last four hours alone.”
Overall, Cllr Ron Ronsson puts the boost to the local economy at ‘somewhere around £10 billion’, but wasn’t sure how he arrived at such a figure.
“When you factor in the surge in sectors such as Australian newspapers, England tattoos and rampant group alcoholism, it’s easy to see that the Australians suddenly being shit at sport is absolutely priceless”, said Ronsson.
“And I’ve just heard that someone from Frome has beaten France at bicycles. I went there on my holidays. Another round of your best Somerset sparkling wine, please Eddie.”
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