Author Archives: verticallychallengedgiant

by | November 14, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Philae comet lander hiding under a rock to escape Kim Kardashian pics

There must be somewhere around here I can get some peace

There must be somewhere around here I can get some peace

The Philae comet lander has revealed that the reason it missed its intended landing site and is now tucked under a rock somewhere is that it is trying to escape news of Kim Kardashian.

Philae got to the comet after a 10-year, 6.4 billion-km journey, but is now shielded by rocks from the light that would recharge its batteries and is not expected to be operational for much longer. This means that it will no longer have to hear any tedious updates about Kim, or see pictures of her massive ass. Continue reading →

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by | October 30, 2014 · 11:00 am

Could eating more chocolate and exercising less actually help you lose weight?

Not. Diet. Food.

Not. Diet. Food.

No. Of course it couldn’t.

Don’t be ridiculous.

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by | October 23, 2014 · 5:15 pm

Brendan Rodgers angry that his new cat is behaving like a cat

Idiot

Idiot

Brendan Rodgers is said to be ‘furious’ after the cat that he got to replace his dog in the summer insisted on acting like a cat.

The Liverpool manager had a great time last year with his dog, Luis, who would happily chase a ball around for up to an hour and a half at a time and run around all over the place. When Luis moved on to a new home Rodgers bizarrely decided to get a cat, called Mario, and attempt to train him to act like a dog. He has since been hugely disappointed by Mario’s tendency to laze around all day and occasionally lick his own arse. Continue reading →

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by | October 17, 2014 · 10:20 am

Ched Evans urges public to ‘think hard’ over re-electing Nick Clegg

Not a suitable role model

Not a suitable role model

Convicted rapist Ched Evans has urged the public to “think really long and hard” before voting for Nick Clegg again in upcoming elections.

Evans, a Wales international footballer who was jailed in 2012 for raping a 19-year-old woman, said “When you elect an MP, you are not just taking on a representative for your community, you are electing a role model. You have to ask yourself ‘do this man’s actions over the last few years make him the sort of person we want our kids looking up to?’ and I would suggest the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” Continue reading →

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by | October 15, 2014 · 3:30 pm

Waitrose trial bouncers in stores to keep out ‘wrong sort of customer’

I don't care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you're not coming in

I don’t care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you’re not coming in

Supermarket chain Waitrose have introduced bouncers onto the doors of their Leighton Buzzard store in an attempt to ensure that only ‘the right sort of person’ shops there.

The trial, which if successful will be extended to all Waitrose stores, is aiming to provide traditional Waitrose customers with a more pleasant shopping experience, and is based around a ‘think 25’ policy. If the bouncers suspect that a customer earns less than £40k a year they will refuse them entry unless they can prove that they earn more than £25k. Continue reading →

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by | October 14, 2014 · 4:30 pm

Raheem Sterling calls for ‘nap time’ to be introduced to football matches

Bless him, he's tired

Bless him, he’s tired

Raheem Sterling has suggested that the introduction of designated ‘nap breaks’ into football matches would help prevent a repeat of the fatigue that saw him left out of the England starting line-up at the weekend.

The Liverpool winger has claimed that the issue of young players being a bit sleepy is one that is not widely acknowledged within the game, calling for greater understanding, and maybe a thirty minute break to be introduced into each half of a match for them to have a little sleep.  Continue reading →

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by | August 8, 2014 · 1:30 pm

New cave painting discovery puts Bruce Forsyth’s age at around 40,000 years

Nice to see you!

Nice to see you!

A newly discovered cave painting in Spain has caused archaeologists to reassess their opinion of Sir Bruce Forsyth’s age, with the new estimate placing him at over 40,000 years old.

The painting, found in the caves of Monte Castillo in Cantabria, Spain, show Forsyth in his signature pose flanked by a pair of what have been described as ‘dolly birds’. Continue reading →

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by | July 24, 2014 · 7:00 am

Scotland expecting everybody to make a big fuss over their sports day

usain bolt

Sorry Usain, daddy couldn’t make it.

Scotland are holding a huge sports day in Glasgow and for some reason expect this to be of great interest to people, and for spectators to consist of more than just the parents and teachers of the competitors.

Traditional sports day events such as the egg and spoon race, three-legged race and tug-of-war have been replaced with a load of cycling and running and stuff, and people are being asked to pay for tickets. Continue reading →

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by | July 21, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Tour de France still happening

Still going

Still going

The 2014 Tour de France is apparently still going on, despite all the riders having left England two weeks ago.

This year’s race began in Leeds on July 5th and the move to Britain proved a great success, with an estimated 2.5 million spectators lining the route over the opening weekend in order to look at the foreigners in funny clothes. After covering over two hundred miles around Yorkshire the competitors headed for London, before crossing to France the following day, at which point everybody lost interest. Continue reading →

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by | June 3, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Rare iPhone without cracked screen discovered

A preview of the iPhone 6

A preview of the iPhone 6

An extremely rare example of an iPhone without a cracked screen has been discovered in Dunstable. It was previously believed that every iPhone that had ever been taken out of the box and used had subsequently been broken, but this find finally disproves that theory.

It is especially significant for Simon James, an iPhone enthusiast who made the discovery. He has been searching for the mythical ‘unbroken used iPhone’ since the iPhone 3G was released back in 2008. Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Award of 2022 World Cup to Sicily “not due to corruption” says Mafia Don

Journalists strongly advised not to ask too many questions

Journalists strongly advised not to ask too many questions

FIFA were caught up in further controversy today following their decision to strip the hosting of the 2022 World Cup from Qatar and instead award it to Sicily.

Critics are claiming that the new vote was, if anything, even more corrupt than the original process that saw the World Cup awarded to Qatar. These claims have been strenuously denied by Matteo Messina Denaro, who headed up the Sicily 2022 bid. Continue reading →

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by | May 28, 2014 · 7:00 am

New BMW X7 will be tank

20140527-110625-39985340.jpgThe recently-announced BMW X7 will be a fully functioning, combat-ready tank, according to an update released by Norbert Reithofer, CEO of the German car makers.

Details have been sparse since the announcement at the end of March that BMW were to begin work on a new flagship addition to their range of X off-roaders, so this update has been welcomed by fans of unnecessarily large cars. Priced at around £5 million each the X7 will also be a real status symbol, with customers limited to the wealthiest of dickheads and some armed forces.

Continue reading →

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by | May 27, 2014 · 11:00 am

Massive spider not even slightly scared of you

What are you looking at?

What are you looking at?

The old saying of ‘it’s more afraid of you than you are of it’ is not even remotely true, according to the massive spider that lives in the corner of your bathroom.

In fact, it is so far from the truth that if you would like to test it out then the spider is more than happy to take you outside and kick your head in. And if you don’t stop staring at him he might just do that anyway. Continue reading →

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by | May 23, 2014 · 3:00 pm

Further embarrassment for Ed Miliband as he accidentally votes for Ukip

Probably best if you just stay in the house for a while Ed

Probably best if you just stay in the house for a while Ed

A bad week for Ed Miliband ended on another embarrassing note today as it emerged that he had accidentally voted for Ukip in his local council elections.

The Labour leader had already struggled with the cost of his weekly shop, the name of the Labour candidate in Swindon, and eating a bacon sandwich like a normal human being. Now it appears that he has also forgotten the name of his local councillor and, after taking a stab in the dark, succeeded in getting the wrong party entirely. Continue reading →

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by | May 21, 2014 · 11:00 am

Manchester City pacify Yaya Toure with trip to Disney World

All smiles now, he was probably just overtired

All smiles now, he was probably just overtired

Yaya Toure has ended speculation over his future by confirming that he will stay at Manchester City after the club apologised for not adequately acknowledging his birthday, took him to Disney World and bought him a balloon.

The current African footballer of the year had fuelled speculation that he may leave after a row over the club’s owners ignoring his birthday, but after Manuel Pellegrini cut short his own holiday to take Toure to Orlando all seems to have been forgiven. Continue reading →

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by | May 18, 2014 · 2:00 pm

World peace brought about by hashtag

CaptureAfter #bringbackourgirls being tweeted millions of times was such a success other world problems are now being solved by hashtags. Over 3 million tweets have been made with the #bringbackourgirls tag since the abduction of 200 schoolgirls in Nigeria, and this has showed Boko Haram that their conduct is not acceptable to a huge number of Facebook and Twitter users. Continue reading →

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by | May 16, 2014 · 2:00 pm

E.on fined ‘for being bastards’

E.on's new logo

E.on’s new logo

E.on will pay out a record £12m penalty after being found guilty of ‘being bastards’ by industry regulator Ofgem. The verdict was initially something complicated about mis-selling and rule breaches, but has been amended to the more straightforward ‘bastards’ charge after many people were left unclear as to exactly what the energy giant had done wrong. Continue reading →

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by | May 7, 2014 · 11:00 am

Today is not Tuesday

wednesday

See? Wed-nes-day

Experts have issued a warning to remind the working population that today is not Tuesday, despite yesterday feeling very much like Monday.

“I know you only went back to work yesterday after the weekend, but that doesn’t mean that yesterday was Monday, and therefore doesn’t mean that today is Tuesday.” confirmed Simon Johnson, managing director of a company that makes calendars, “Today is in fact Wednesday. So if there is somewhere you are supposed to be on Wednesday then you might want to get there as soon as possible. Because it’s today.” Continue reading →

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by | April 23, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Who could do better than Moyes? A chocolate fireguard? We look at the contenders

Cheerio then David

Cheerio then David

With David Moyes’ disastrous but hilarious reign as Manchester United manager having come to an end the search has begun for the man to replace him. There are certain qualities needed to manage one of the world’s biggest football clubs and here we run through some of the candidates who look like they could do a better job of it than Moyes did. Continue reading →

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by | April 15, 2014 · 7:00 am

New Cadbury’s creme eggs only visible through microscope

Creme egg viewed through a telescope. From 3 feet away.

Creme egg viewed through a telescope. From 3 feet away.

The ongoing reduction in size of Cadbury’s creme eggs has resulted in the 2015 version no longer being visible to the naked eye, and yet they are still more expensive than when they used to be massive.

“The Cadbury’s creme egg is an iconic chocolate snack, ostensibly released only for a limited period around Easter but actually available all year round apart from one day in October, when it is removed because it is ‘out of season’.” said Lorraine Robinson, Professor of Disappointing Confectionery at the University of Exeter. Continue reading →

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