Author Archives: Stan

Continual weather warnings blamed as motorway drivers abandon cars despite perfect conditions

Blizzard conditions on the M1 near Harold

Blizzard conditions on the M1 near Harold

Despite perfect driving conditions, there was traffic chaos yesterday when motorists abandoned their cars on motorways following the umpteenth severe weather forecast this week.

Police struggled to keep traffic moving as one by one, drivers pulled onto the hard shoulder and started making their way on foot along the motorways towards the dubious sanctuary of service stations carrying spades and thermos flasks, anxiously looking at the sky.

Eventually most of the motorway network of the South of England was closed.

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Filed under Transport, Travel, Weather

NHS Crisis: Now overstretched hospitals are referring patients to vets

NHS vet

Patients can also choose not to be neutered.

Rather than expose patients to 15 hour waits in beleaguered A&E units, a NHS whistle-blower has revealed that some overstretched hospitals have been referring patients to veterinary practices for more immediate treatment.

Even more embarrassing for the NHS, internal surveys of customer satisfaction have shown that patients would rather return to the vet for further treatment rather than their local hospital.  Continue reading

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Filed under Health, News, Politics

Obama shooting latest: Cop explains he saw a black guy stealing the presidential helicopter

ObamaThe police guard who shot President Obama last night as the head of state was striding across the White House lawns toward the presidential helicopter, has defended his actions saying that he “simply did his duty after seeing a suspicious black guy apparently stealing the President’s official helicopter.”

Wayne Derumbo, a white 29 year old US Park Officer,  who was on his first day of duty at the White House when he shot the President said, “I simply did what any officer would do and fired at the black guy as he arrogantly made his way towards Marine One. I didn’t like his attitude, you’d have thought he owned the chopper or something.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, International News, Police

The 50 most irritating people of 2014: The Top 20

Top 3This is it, the top 20 of our top 50 most irritating people of 2014.

Is that a drum roll we can hear in the distance, or perhaps a fanfare in honour of our No.1?

This list has been lovingly created after weeks of irritable evaluation. Several late bids have been made, but the standard this year is very high, so the person who shook their popcorn behind me continually at the cinema last night has still only reached No.72, just above the creators of Frozen. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Royals, Social media

The 50 Most Irritating People of 2014: Part III

23. No Diana effect for Bonio after that accident.

23. No Diana effect for Bonio after that accident.

We’re now into the top 30 of our countdown of the top irritants of the last year.

Just to emphasise, this is a list of irritating people. If there was any way we could bend the rules to include meerkats they would be sure to make the Top 10. Perhaps we should think about a Top 50 most irritating animals next year?

Today we have shock news as some of your favourites fail to make the Top 20, including the bloke on the left:

 

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The 50 most irritating people of 2014: Part II

Robbie Savage. The only table he's ever moved up.

Robbie Savage. The only table he’s ever moved up.

We continue our countdown of the Festive Top 50 with numbers 40 to 31.

Has your (least) favourite featured yet?

There is still time to vote, and votes for Mrs Brown’s Boys will count double if we invoke the Lee Evans rule from 2013. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Society

The 50 most irritating people of 2014: Part I

Down to 41 from 20. Only half as irritating as last year.

Down to 41 from 20. Only half as irritating as last year.

It’s the final knockings of 2014 and once again, it’s time to reveal the most irritating people of the past year.  The usual rules apply; we have excluded politicians, but can’t guarantee that a certain Mr Farage won’t make the list as we’re still not sure if he qualifies as a politician. Time will tell.

Today we start our countdown with numbers 50 to 41: Continue reading

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The Apprentice final in jeopardy after Felipe obtains injunction against Lord Sugar

Felipe 2There were chaotic scenes on The Apprentice set earlier today after Felipe Alviar-Baquero, the candidate discarded by Lord Sugar after the acrimonious skeletongate row arrived at the Boardroom brandishing an injunction obtained against his firing in Week 9.

Felipe, who was dismissed by Sugar as a “just another bluddy lawyer”, burst in as the tetchy tycoon was filming the scene in which he tells the nation whether he wants to get into women’s underwear or PPI phone sales.

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Prince William set to open his house for homeless heroes at Christmas

Veteran John Horse samples the Royal lager collection.

Veteran John Horse samples the Royal lager collection.

Homeless charities have welcomed the news that the Duke of Cambridge is to provide shelter for servicemen and women who have fallen on hard times after serving their country in the armed forces.

Speaking yesterday in support of a newspaper appeal, Prince William, who himself served in the front line plucking stranded adventurers off the treacherous cliffs of Wales in his  helicopter, Budgie, said:

“I am so concerned about the number of heroes who have struggled to adapt to civilian life and wound up sleeping rough in our cities, that for once instead of just lecturing you, I’m actually going to do something myself and open the doors of my vast London home at Christmas to these wretched people. I’m going to feed them, clothe them and offer them trained support to help them get their lives back on track.” Continue reading

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Filed under charity, Christmas, News, Royals

How to enjoy, or at least survive, the office Christmas party

MarkThe party season is in full swing, and even if you’re not a natural party animal our essential guide will help you find your inner beast.

Although the annual bash has moved away from the office itself, many party venues are offering traditional entertainment with photocopiers and the perennial favourite, the stationery cupboard thrown in along with the tepid turkey, chipolatas and randy DJ.

So here is our handy survival guide: Continue reading

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Filed under Christmas, Lifestyle

Going to die this weekend? Local undertaker offers Black Friday discounts

Black Friday picHarold’s best (and only) firm of Funeral Directors have announced a Black Friday special promotion with a range of tempting discounts for anyone having the misfortune of bereavement this weekend.

“We thought we’d join the Black Friday trend and I must say our special deals are to die for,” proprietor Carmen Hilton told the Evening Harold. “So if you have an elderly bed blocker who is selfishly delaying the inevitable this could be the perfect time to gently suggest to them that if they shuffled off now they could save the family a small fortune.”

Ms Hilton stressed the advantages of the current offer which expires on Sunday. “If you call us before the end of the day, we can have them in the ground before December,” she said brightly. Continue reading

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Film Review: The Imitation Game – the tale of a war hero who is buggered by the State

the_imitation_game-33306If a man whose work shortened the war by two years was destroyed by the state for being gay; who knows what they would have done back in the 1950s to Graham Norton for presenting insipid chat shows.

This World War II movie is a story of the relationship between eccentric mathematical genius, Alan Turing played annoyingly well by Benedict Cumberbatch, and his one true love Christopher, the machine that he created to crack the Nazi enigma codes at the top-secret Bletchley Park.

To break the monotony of frustrated ex-public schoolboys, an alluring Keira Knightley is introduced as a brilliant crossword solver, however it turns out that the gay Turing is not for turning. In a touching scene towards the end of the film, Turing declares his devotion to the whirring Christopher leaving Keira to seek a boffin elsewhere. Continue reading

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Manson bride seeks divorce following successful parole application

'Till death do us part ...

‘Till death do us part …

Afton Elaine Burton, the 26 year old who has just married ritualistic mass murderer Charles Manson, has filed for divorce just hours after learning that the brutal killer had unexpectedly passed a parole board hearing and the octogenarian texted her saying how much he was looking forward to consummating their marriage.

Burton, who runs a website protesting the innocence of America’s most notorious serial killer, has denied that the wedding had been an elaborate publicity stunt which had gone horribly wrong.

“The fact that my Charlie will soon be at liberty and no longer safely locked away is nothing to do with my decision to seek a divorce,” she said defiantly.

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Filed under Crime, International News

Farage shows his charitable side by growing Hitler Movember moustache

You decide: Hitler, Chaplin or Blakey from 'On the Buses'?

You decide: Hitler, Chaplin or Blakey from ‘On the Buses’?

With his UKIP troops poised to take Westminster by storm, nagging doubts have been voiced after Nigel Farage appeared in public sporting a moustache reminiscent of that belonging to prominent German politician Adolf Hitler.

Amazingly it was clear from his demeanour at the Rochester hustings that the right wing leader had no idea of the similarity his upper lip bore to the Nazi leader.

In a bizarre local radio interview, Farage was asked about his moustache. “It’s jolly good, isn’t it?” he said, stroking the fresh growth. “I’m doing it for the Movember charity which raises funds for men without balls or something. Our PR people thought it would be a good idea.”

Once the interviewer had grasped the concept of UKIP actually having PR people, he asked Continue reading

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Local radio station celebrates purchase of second record

Zzzzzzz!

Zzzzzzz!

Spirits were high at Radio Harold following their announcement that the popular station had doubled its record collection with the acquisition of a second record.

“The purchase of ‘Now that’s what I call Easy Listening Vol 6’ allows us to deliver our vision of a requests show,” said controller Mavis Jackson. “Obviously, listeners’ choices will be restricted to the two records in our library but they will be able to choose from some 15 tracks, if you don’t include the Cliff Richard song. That should be enough to fill the airwaves for days!”

“This exciting news gives us the opportunity to refresh our programme schedules,” continued Ms Jackson. “Our ever popular feature ‘What’s in my hedge?’ will be trimmed to a daily fifteen minutes and the God Spot, when the Rev. Tansy Forster gives advice on skin aliments, Continue reading

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Farage vetoes unhappy Gove’s bid to defect to UKIP

Farage gives his opinion on Gove (pot & kettle?)

Farage gives his opinion on Gove (pot & kettle?)

The corridors of Westminster were reeling last night following the astonishing revelation that a disillusioned Michael Gove recently attempted to join UKIP and, even more amazingly, his application was rejected personally by leader Nigel Farage.

Once the class swot, it was known that the former Education Secretary had felt side-lined since his demotion to Westminster dorm monitor so the news that he had been actively seeking a new position was not a huge surprise; but the question every political commentator wanted answered yesterday was, ‘Why had the UKIP hierarchy decided not to hire Gove?

The answer came last night at throwing out time at Farage’s favourite hostelry, known locally as The Xenophobe Arms. Besieged by journalists, Nigel Farage held an impromptu press conference.

“It’s all about image,” he started.  “We want to show we are a serious political party so we can’t just allow anyone to join.  In fact you could say we at UKIP have our own immigration policy,” he added jovially.” Continue reading

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Badgers demand human cull to prevent spread of Ebola

Revenge? Moi?

Revenge? Moi?

Increasingly concerned at the impending threat of the Ebola virus, badger community leaders have called for the introduction of a human culling programme.

“We’re proposing an initial pilot programme,” Furry Rita told us yesterday, “by having marksmen to shoot the pilots of the planes that seem to be bringing in the virus into the country. The pilots may not have Ebola themselves, but they are obviously carriers so need to be eliminated for the good of everyone else.”

“Of course we’ve no idea how much humans spread Ebola,” continued Rita, the co-leader of the Harold Woods badger colony, “but Continue reading

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NHS set to offer tape worms to fatties instead of gastric bands

Timmy the Tapeworm ..... and host

Timmy the Tapeworm ….. and host

Instead of spending thousands of pounds on expensive surgery, the NHS is understood to be planning to provide obese patients with their own pet tape worm.

No invasive procedures are required in this breakthrough treatment. In trials, the tape worm was introduced to the patient disguised in a cream cake.  There was one unfortunate incident when a worm was ingested via a burger, but officials at the Dunstable & District General have stressed this was an isolated incident and the kitchen hygiene policy is now being observed.

“At first I was gutted to find I was being given a tape worm instead of a posh gastric band,” said Harold resident  Jane Fondant

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Filed under Health, Motoring, News

Animal rights activist resigns after possible ant killing incident

EH artist's impression of the victim in happier times

EH artist’s impression of the victim in happier times

Leading village animal rights campaigner Rachel Guest has resigned from her position of president of Harold’s Animal First movement after an ‘unforgivable incident’ in which she believes she may have killed a living creature, namely an ant.

Speaking candidly after her shock resignation Ms Guest told the Evening Harold how she had slaughtered the ant. “It was all a terrible accident,” she said with a quivering lip. “I inadvertently stepped on the ant as it was crossing the pavement, minding its own business.”

“I’m usually so careful,” she continued, “which is why it always takes so long for me to walk anywhere, but my mind elsewhere was on the big question  – Do potatoes feel pain? and the equally important Could I live without chips?Continue reading

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Filed under Nature, News

What is the link between UKIP and Ebola? Your questions answered

A grim faced Returning Officer prepares to deliver verdict at Clacton.

Clacton’s returning officer last night

There has been a good deal of misinformation and hype about the dreadful and horrific killer Ebola plague. We try to separate the facts from the Daily Mail.

Where does it come from?  The virus emanates from fruit bats in regions of Africa. At some point it seems to have crossed over to humans.

Does that mean that batty people are more likely to contract it? We believe this is possible. Symptoms include eccentricity and joining UKIP.

Will there be screening? Some limited screening is being undertaken with Tories MPs regularly checked. However, following the Clacton by-election there are fears that it may have spread to the general public. Continue reading

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