Author Archives: Max C-F

Let the right ones in: Xenophobes panic as leader makes compassionate statement about foreigners

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Charlie Chaplin was great, wasn’t he?

There was panic amongst Ukip supporters yesterday when party leader Nigel Farage called for Britain to allow entry to refugees fleeing the civil war in Syria. This is a massive deviation from their official foreign policy which is to build a huge wall around Great Britain and Northern Ireland and to only allow foreigners over it if they are very, very good at football, cooking or prostitution.

“Farage says he wants to let people in but we’re full!” frothed Ukip member Tom Simmonds about a place where only 6% of land is classified as urban and less than 3% is built on according to the UK National Ecosystem Assessment. “All the Syrians will come over here and claim benefits then sit on their arses all day while taking jobs from ordinary Britons plus they’ll live rough on our streets while being given houses the minute they arrive in preference over Anglo-Saxons whom the government make wait on housing lists for at least ten years.” Continue reading

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Love me like Mrs Brown: PM sacks ministers and replaces them with family in desperate popularity attempt

David Cameron and wife Samantha photographed with daughter Florence for their 2013 Christmas card

L-R: The Prime Minister, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Secretary of State for Transport

There was shock today as David Cameron executed the biggest political shake-up of modern times by sacking the entire Cabinet and replacing them with members of his own family.

“While me and the former Cabinet made lots of hilarious gaffs and got into wacky scrapes I was aware that the British public didn’t seem to have warmed to us,” explained the Prime Minister at a press conference earlier this morning. “Then I saw that Mrs Brown’s Boys topped the Christmas Day television ratings and I instantly knew what needed to be done. People love Mrs Brown because Brendan O’Carroll filled the cast with his family which creates a unique atmosphere so I thought I’d do the same and soon we’ll be national treasures too.” Continue reading

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Eddie’s Christmas Speech

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“Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” Benjamin Franklin

This past year has been an interesting one for The Squirrel Lickers and I. We have welcomed many new drinkers, especially on tribute nites, and have been witness to a wonderful array of evenings full of fellowship and friendship.

Sadly this year also brought with it some trials both literally (I don’t care that he’s my brother-in-law he was bang out of order and the judge agreed) and emotionally when The Squirrel Lickers become the first pub ever to get a negative score on a hygiene inspection. That was an especial disappointment as I had taken great care to both greet the inspectors and to bribe them handsomely. Even providing thick slices of the famous Harold Pie lovingly created from an ancient recipe and featuring no less than fourteen types of plants and wildlife that today hover on the brink of extinction due to mass over-consumption plus several others now regrettably reclassified as toxic.

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Dear Haroldites…

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Now stop eating and go outside for a lovely, healthy walk.

 

With every good wish,

The Evening Harold Team

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US admits the NSA has been following Father Christmas for years

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And they’ve been listening to Rudolph’s voice mails.

America’s National Security Agency has been plunged into fresh controversy following the revelation that it has been tracking the movements of beloved international philanthropist Father Christmas for several years.

In a multi-agency approach the North American Aerospace Defence Command (NORAD) watches every moment of Father Christmas’ famous journey across the entire globe which takes place every December 25th. Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News

Violence erupts as man admits he doesn’t believe in Doctor Who

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He looks real to us. Ever so much more so than that whippersnapper he’s replacing.

There was violence on the streets of Harold this morning when Edward Wightman, a newcomer to the village, admitted that he didn’t believe in Doctor Who and said that the Christmas special was “just a story made up to entertain children and the credulous of any age”.

Almost at once he was seized upon by outraged villagers intent on taking him to the recreation ground and while their intentions were not quite clear we understand that they would have been rather messy and painful for Mr Wightman however once the crowd had formed it swiftly became riven with factions and violence broke out. Continue reading

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Filed under Christmas, Religion, Showbusiness

Did someone say schadenfreude?

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by | December 21, 2013 · 10:39 am

Celebration as woman finally discovers what the flaps on the end of kitchen foil boxes are for

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You didn’t know these things were there either, did you?

There was celebration in Harold as a woman discovered what the flaps on the ends of kitchen foil boxes are for and used a roll of foil correctly for the very first time.

“I’d always used it the way God intended,” said Sally Lloyd owner of Sally’z Cut’z hair and beauty salon. “You open the box, tug on it a bit, then struggle to get the serrated edge to work and nine times out of ten the whole roll falls out at that point so you have a little but heartfelt swear and try again.” Continue reading

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World on brink of new Cold War as Dota 2 scraps sign-ups

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The good old days, said no one ever.

Vladimir Putin is today threatening to bring “death to the West” over the PC game Dota 2. Earlier this week all player restrictions were removed by online game provider Steam forcing Western gamers to play alongside Russians: a move which has proved as successful as a Gauls and Romans harmony and togetherness workshop.

Dota 2 is a strategy/action game where players who are often total strangers are thrown together to form teams, attack another team and defend their buildings in a pleasing looking fantasy land. Less pleasing is that players talk to each other over mics while doing this. Continue reading

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Surprise as badgers win Person of the Year award

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“Defra can kiss my stripy arse.”

There was surprise today as the Person of the Year was revealed to be not a person but an entire species as the UK’s 288,000 strong badger population scooped the prestigious prize.

“It’s been a great year for badgers,” said Lynne Parsons, head of the judging panel. “They not only ran an effective and highly organised campaign against the badger cull which resulted in it being called off  but they also ensured that Brian May was on TV a lot which was a treat for both fans of classic rock and massive hair alike.” Continue reading

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One is feckin’ sacked: Queen ditched from Christmas speech and replaced by Mrs Brown

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Agnes Brown pictured looking happier than Her Majesty ever does.

There have been howls of outrage from traditionalists this morning following the BBC’s announcement that it has scrapped the Queen’s Christmas Day speech in favour of one from Mrs Agnes Brown instead.

“We’re not dumbing down or chasing ratings,” said Tony Hall, Director General of the BBC. “Times are tough for a lot of people so we thought it would be more appropriate for them to be addressed by a feisty lower-class housewife with a twinkle in her eye rather than a fabulously rich monarch whose television manner is as cold as the battlements of the castle she’s filmed in.” Continue reading

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Comic Relief scandal: warlord leaps to charity’s defence

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Apparently only one of these people wilfully refuses to listen to any opposing views for comedic effect.

Ahead of a Panorama documentary to be broadcast tonight which will show that the charity Comic Relief has invested tens of millions of pounds in arms, alcohol and tobacco companies one prominent recipient of Comic Relief’s largesse has leapt to its defence.

The warlord known as Tony B has says that he got a lot out of his association with the red nose. Continue reading

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Is this about the cricket? UK’s Christmas card to Australia less festive than usual

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by | December 8, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Iain Duncan Scrooge calls off Christmas for benefits claimants

Iain Duncan Smith

Seconds after this photo was taken the door knocker transmogrified into the face of William Beveridge but Duncan Scrooge dismissed his dire warnings as humbug.

In his latest attempt to suck every last joy out of the world Iain Duncan Scrooge has declared that any benefit claimants caught celebrating Christmas will have their money stopped immediately.

“What right have they to be merry? What reason have they to be merry? They’re poor enough,” the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said at a press conference earlier today. “It’s hard working people like myself who got off their arses, lied about their education and then had the sheer common sense to marry an heiress that deserve Christmas. I’ve earned it, they haven’t.”

“I shall work my will,” Duncan Scrooge thundered, flecks of spit gathering in the corners of his mouth. “Every claimant who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ on his lips, shall be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He shall!”

When it was pointed out to Duncan Scrooge that at this festive season of the year it is more than usually desirable that we should make some slight provision for the poor and the destitute who suffer greatly at this present time with many thousands in want of common necessaries; hundreds of thousands in want of common comforts, he appeared to laugh before bringing himself under control. He then gathered his great coat about him and strode out into the snow determinedly muttering something about “decreasing the surplus population”.

As the press conference ended many were heard to remark that they couldn’t see how this bleak tale could ever have a happy ending. However the sunnier souls gathered there did say that they were looking forward immensely to May 2015.

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Best friends forever: Britain pleads with China to love it more than the USA

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Pastry, potatoes, beef, swede and onion. You can’t beat that, Ronald McDonald.

David Cameron has flown to Beijing with a delegation of high achieving Brits to beg China to love the UK more than it loves the US. On his knees on the tarmac at Beijing Capital Airport the Prime Minister said “Britain will act as China’s strongest advocate in the West” before promising “dialogue of mutual respect and understanding” as well as a blind eye turned to all China’s abuses of human rights and the environment, and at least five more seasons of Downton Abbey.

“China should be our bestie not that of those across pond,” Cameron said. “What has the Untied States ever done for the world? We’ve given it the Cornish pasty, Fifty Shades of Grey and the tuning fork: no contest.” Continue reading

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Cyber Monday: idiots saddened by lack of queues

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Progress: 70 years ago we queued for rations, now we queue for shiny things and no one has to pretend that they find Tommy Trinder amusing.

Today is Cyber Monday the busiest day of the year for online sales during which Britons will spend over one billion pounds on PlayStation 4s, Breaking Bad box sets and inflatable toast (seriously, that is a thing). While most of us relish shopping naked and not getting arrested or uploaded to YouTube, and Amazon’s agency drones will be forced to walk the equivalent of to the moon and back before being allowed their first break, idiots are lamenting the lack of queuing. Continue reading

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Sharp rise in wardrobe damage as desperate Brits try to get to Narnia

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We’ll go through but only if there’s a Nando’s on the other side.

There has been a sharp rise in wardrobe damage across the country as desperate Britons try to get to Narnia in order to seek asylum from the coalition government. A political regime that many are describing as ‘a bit rubbish’.

Narnian immigration spokesanimal Mrs Beaver said that she was baffled by the sudden enthusiasm for her country. Continue reading

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by | November 30, 2013 · 4:24 pm

Police warning over sinister clowns giving speeches

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Something wicked this way comes.

Police are today advising members of the public to ignore men who look like clowns and spout nonsense: a sinister anti-social trend which seems to be growing.

Recently there have been several reports of clowns lurking on the national stage and trying to scare onlookers by babbling about IQ levels, the welfare system and how the NHS is safe in their hands. While no one has been hurt so far there is concern that they could become violent, with rumours that they are constructing huge circus tents in remote locations and herding people under a certain income/standard of health/intelligence level into them for reasons which have yet to be fully understood remaining unconfirmed but persistent.  Continue reading

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All back to mine. Door-to-door sales people forced by law to give out home addresses

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Learn some respect, young man: Hattie was an SOE agent. In ten seconds that folder is going somewhere exceptionally violent and unexpected.

Harold council’s new law which forces door-to-door salespeople to give their private addresses out to each person they call on has been met with near unanimous approval.

“It’s great,” enthused mechanic Sean Pavey. “Now whenever I get disturbed by one of these fake-grin wearing predators I take their address and wait. I find knocking on their doors around sevenish gives me a good chance of disturbing them eating or just starting to relax after a long day.” Continue reading

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