America’s National Security Agency has been plunged into fresh controversy following the revelation that it has been tracking the movements of beloved international philanthropist Father Christmas for several years.
In a multi-agency approach the North American Aerospace Defence Command (NORAD) watches every moment of Father Christmas’ famous journey across the entire globe which takes place every December 25th.
“Yes, it’s true,” confirmed President Barack Obama at a White House press conference. “We have been following Father Christmas and our reasons are good, our reasons are solid, as we toil night and day to protect the interests of the American people and this country we love. From the banks of Mississippi to the mountains of…”
The President spoke for several more minutes but fortunately an aide was on hand to distil Obama’s lengthy stream of compelling hyperbole down to a few sentences of anti-Father Christmas propaganda as follows: “that old commie gives presents to children in every country. He breaks sanctions, trade agreements and worst of all doesn’t do it for the money. He’s Un-American and a threat to our democracy. For Chrissakes the guy wears a red suit, red! How much more of a clue do you need?”
It may be the case that the US isn’t the only country hostile to Father Christmas. Rumours that the British government are considering closing their airspace to him out of fear that he might land, set the reindeer on the Queen’s swans and live off benefits remain persistent but as yet unconfirmed.