GCSEs are very important and the knowledge you gain essential in real life. Said no one ever.
Michael Gove has today defended his controversial reform of GCSEs. By throwing out the entire curriculum and instead requiring pupils to simply answer the question ‘are your parents rich?’ the Education Secretary says the results will give a much more honest assessment of pupils’ future prospects. Continue reading
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Everyone stay still, her vision is based on movement
Following another incident in the South West the Tory party has finally admitted that it has been cloning Margaret Thatcher and other past members that it believes will appeal specifically to Ukip voters. Operation Enoch is believed to have been running for at least a year and be located on Lundy island twelve miles off the Devon coast.
Filed under Politics
The world’s worst Morecambe & Wise tribute act takes to the stage
There was widespread relief last night when it was revealed that the Chilcot Inquiry won’t include any details of Tony Blair and George Bush’s conversations, letters, and notes from the period of build-up to the Iraq war.
“I’m delighted,” said villager Nick Stalling of Harold’s Bravo Company, Royal Dunstable Regiment Rifle Platoon TA. “I served two tours out there with the Rifles. Placing it in some sort of context and allowing grieving families to know the truth about why their loved ones died would only cheapen the whole thing.” Continue reading
Filed under Politics
Ron Jeremy dressed as Mario. Video games don’t inspire crime but they do inspire horrible cosplay.
Psychologists at the University of Dunstable have announced a breakthrough in their pioneering research on violent video games. A fifteen year longitudinal study has proved conclusively that there is a direct link between games such as Call of Duty and Titanfall and tabloid journalists writing utter crap. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, Technology
Also 100% British
Canada has called on the UK to stop their historical empire building. Matters have come to a head over the UK’s claim that it invented ice-hockey and that Charles Darwin was an early player.
“When it comes to history the Brits are plain greedy,” said Gordon Campbell, Canada’s High Commissioner to the United Kingdom. “Okay so you’ve stopped stealing actual countries but now you’re all about stealing heritage instead. Ice-hockey is as British as homo milk so hands off.” Continue reading
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This man is bankrupt and very recently unemployed. It’s okay, we laughed too.
There was relief in Harold this morning as the European election results confirmed one thing: the UK is officially less racist than France. In France the Front National party won the election while on this side of the channel voters decided they’d had enough of fascists and the BNP lost both its seats. Continue reading
George playing bingo as he does most nights before having a pint then taking the whippet for a walk.
Speaking yesterday on BBC Radio 4 George Osborne abandoned default Tory scorn for Ukip and spoke of his respect for them and for Nigel Farage. Continue reading
Vladimir Putin: moobs out and ready to wrestle, always ready.
As the controversy surrounding Prince Charles comparing Vladimir Putin to Hitler grows, the Russian President is demanding the right get physical.
“I will kick that tampon-fixated mummy’s boy into next week,” a shirtless Putin bellowed as he beat his chest. “Come to Moscow, Prince Too Thick To Know He’s Thick, and I’ll show you how a democratically elected national figurehead throws down. When I’m done it’ll take more than a coffee enema to fix you, it will take a miracle.” Continue reading
Filed under International News, Royals
Better days: Dave ‘n’ Nick setting up political home together in 2010
Dear Nick,
It’s May and election results are pouring in. To be honest they’re not looking that good for the Conservatives. Just like four years ago, hey? Except as the sun began to rise on that particular May morning I realised how attractive you were, you had that elusive ‘enough seats so I could be Prime Minister’ quality that no one else did which combined with your lack of shame and political convictions made you irresistible. Continue reading
Filed under Politics
According to their opponents if Ukip triumph today there will be one of these (whatever the hell this is) in every street in the land.
As the country heads to the polling stations the Tories have caused a last minute sensation with a new campaign slogan.
“The gloves are off,” said the Secretary of State for Europe David Lidington at an early morning press conference. “With the admittedly forthright language of our new slogan we are trying to wake people up. We’re saying engage with the process, get out and vote today or there will be an influx of fruitcakes and swivel-eyed loons in every decent, hard-working British community.” Continue reading
Sharing a moment: Tony Blair and Ed Miliband
With political tensions running high ahead of the European elections Ed Miliband continues to prove that he’s as good at interviews as your mum is at saying to no to sailors. Continue reading
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You want to know where he got those scars? Sorry, wrong man. For some reason we were thinking about The Joker
With just four months until the referendum Scotland has been warned of a new consequence of independence: Tony Blair.
“The Yes campaigners are constantly bigging up famous and influential Scots,” said Better Together spokesperson Lydia Tanner. “Well, if Scotland becomes independent it will be responsible for arguably the most influential Scot of them all and must embrace Tony Blair as one of its own.” Continue reading
The sun: wonderful yet ultimately deadly, just like cake
Today is the hottest day of the year so far. Thus we proudly present the following top facts about the big yellow bastard to entertain you as you swelter. And remember when the mercury rises to always wear sunscreen, to drink lots of water and that while dogs don’t like being kept in hot cars elderly relatives absolutely love it.
Sun-packed Fun Facts
1. The sun was discovered in 1836 by pioneering scientist Sir Hubert Sun. Before then everything was dark.
2. 40% of Americans believe that the sun is the warmth from God’s smile.
3. At night, it turns into the moon. Many primitive tribes still believe they are two different things.
4. FIFA chief Sepp Blatter has admitted that holding the 2022 World Cup there may be a mistake, due to the sun’s poor transport links.
5. Prolonged exposure to the sun alters your brain chemistry causing you to believe you look great in shorts when in reality the opposite is true.
6. The sun isn’t perfectly spherical. There’s a bit that sticks out, shaped like that mole on your back.
7. Potatoes are baby suns that haven’t yet hatched.
8. The sun does not have a hat on. That would be racist.
9. Staring at the sun isn’t bad for your eyes. It just highlights the absolute futility of your meaningless, pathetically short existence.
10. Strictly speaking, the sun is not a planet at all – it is a sun.
11. When the sun is very sad at what you are doing, he cries. This is called “rain”. The worse you are, the more rain you will get.
12. Everything in the solar system revolves around the sun, except Piers Morgan’s ego.
13. The sun is the only star with its own dedicated newspaper, which contains important news about the solar system, and tits.
14. The sun used to go to Australia at night but Tony Abbott won’t let it in.
15. The sun is so hot that if you tried to eat an ice cream on it the ice cream would melt before you even had chance to drop it down your shirt. This would be the least of your worries though, because you would have died a fiery death.
According to statistics 87% of you swore as soon as you saw this image. For shame.
Harold parents have spoke of the conflict between safeguarding their children’s health and pleasing Jamie Oliver. As the celebrity chef continues to advocate better school meals and steps to tackle childhood obesity, people have been asking themselves which is worse: fat kids or Oliver being right and never being quiet and going away. Continue reading
Going off the grid. You ain’t seen it, right?
England’s badgers have applied to have their details wiped from Google to escape government death squads.
“We’re exercising our right to be forgotten,” said Manky Kevin of the Harold Wood badger colony. “The Coalition are determined to wipe us out but we’re hoping if we can’t be found online they’ll lose interest and go after hedgehogs instead.” Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, environment, Politics
The face of something contemplating a world in which Coldplay do not ever go away
Millions had their hopes dashed today when the meaning behind Coldplay’s so-called break up album was revealed. Despite expectation it’s not an album over which the band have broken up but merely one in which Chris Martin tits on endlessly about his ex-wife. Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment
Obama in 2008. Wasn’t he just the greatest?
It was believed wrecked and lost forever but now a powerful symbol of what the United States of America can be has been found. Barack Obama’s integrity, something that dazzled the world for a few months in 2008 and 2009 has been discovered by archaeologists buried off the coast of Haiti. Continue reading
Filed under International News
Look at them, threatening UK society with their friendship and truly amazing eyebrows, will no one think of the children?
An offshoot of the BNP called Prime Britain is campaigning to have the points of the compass renamed in the belief that this will mean devout Muslims won’t know where Mecca is when they come to pray.
“We’re taking a stand for all decent British people whose way of life is under threat,” said Prime Britain leader Kev Gadsby. “This is a Christian country and Muslamics have no right to be facing another country or town or whatever like it’s better or something.” Continue reading
Calling in today? Remember that claiming to have morning sickness often leads to unwelcome attention. Especially if you’re a man.
An independent poll has confirmed that giving suffering from the MERS virus as a reason for not going to work will be considered bullshit by over 90% of employers.
Middle Eastern respiratory syndrome, commonly known as MERs, is real and can be fatal however its title contains a big clue as to where you have to have been to be exposed to it. Anyone wanting a lie-in and a day away from office-based horror should be aware that having recently had a short-break in Machynlleth is not enough. Continue reading
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Filed under Health
What over the last four years has proved that these men and their chums shouldn’t be running the country? We can’t quite recall.
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