If this happens in Luton then you can stay in bed
As the Bárðarbunga volcano continues to smoke and spew harder than teens at the end of a night out in Cardiff, UK commuters are being warned that it remains a crap reason for not going in to work. Continue reading
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To be fair it is a jaunty looking bucket
London house prices continued their spiral into madness today when a bucket in Islington sold for £310,000. Described by Renfield estate agents as “a compact and funky urban living space” they urged potential buyers to “snap this bargain property up and live in style in an ultra-modern home with vibrant colour scheme and two handles.”
Within twenty four hours of being on the market the bucket had been viewed a dozen times and been subject to over thirty offers. The buyer, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that they were delighted with their new bucket and especially pleased with its duel-purpose nature which means they can take it to the Devon coast and use it as a second home. Continue reading
Filed under Economy
Being asked to point to a decent politician led to nothing but confusion
Iain Duncan Smith has become the first person in the public eye to refuse to do the ALS ice-bucket challenge.
The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions had received thousands of nominations from the victims of Atos assessments and unfair benefit sanctions but has declined to take part.
The multi-millionaire was then asked how much he will donate the ALS Association as a forfeit however he made it clear that he wouldn’t be doing that either.
“Handouts are good for no one,” he said. “If people want a cure for ALS they should stop skiving and work for it.”
Duncan Smith said that he ultimately refused the challenge on health and safety grounds.
“I was told this challenge was about ice and water,” he said. “What those Atos shirkers had filled my bucket with was most definitely neither.”
Filed under Politics
He won’t be the first professor on the show. Mary Beard is The Stig
The BBC have announced that Richard Dawkins is to join the Top Gear team when the show returns for its new season.
Dawkins, who has this week ignited fresh controversy by saying that a woman who knows her child will be born with Down’s Syndrome would be immoral if she did not abort it, has frequently hit the headlines for making inflammatory statements. In July he said that date rape wasn’t as bad as stranger rape and at Easter tweeted “Hershey’s is far superior to Dairy Milk. Anyone who disagrees should go away and learn how to think.” Continue reading
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Do we want more of this or less? Less of it or more?
With less than a month to go until the independence referendum both sides are causing confusion by deploying BBC Scotland’s Mrs Brown’s Boys as their latest campaign weapon.
While the No side say that an independent Scotland would result in BBC Scotland being much smaller and having no money to produce shows such as Mrs Brown’s Boys and Waterloo Road the Yes side are saying exactly the same thing. Continue reading
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Less objectionable than who?
Labour MP Austin Mitchell has revealed the full and tragic extent of his memory loss. In an interview yesterday it soon became obvious that he couldn’t even remember meeting a woman nor any details of life between 1979 and 1990. Continue reading
Grey vs. Bible. One’s fan fiction that somehow become wildly influential and the other is…ah, you know how this one ends
In order to reflect the diversity of the UK and the fact that it is home to people of many faiths and none, Travelodge has removed copies of the Bible from all its rooms and replaced them with copies of Fifty Shades of Grey and a Freddo bar.
Travelodge spokeswoman, Kat Simmonds, told the Evening Harold that when it came to having the Bible loose “we didn’t feel it was appropriate and so have replaced it with what our research tells us is the best alternative.”
“We realised that most people who stay in a Travelodge are alone and wondering why their life has come to this,” Kat Simmonds explained. “So the chocolate is there for some emotional over-eating and Fifty Shades is provided for the kind of joyless bout of self-pleasure that only someone who has to stay in budget inns a lot will understand.” Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, News, Religion
“WBC is as much a church as Tony Blair’s a Peace Envoy” – God
Westboro Baptist Church’s announcement that they will picket Robin William’s funeral on the grounds that he was a “fag pimp” has prompted God to announce that he has always picketed them and in fact has never once been inside nor ever met any of its members. Continue reading
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His real police mugshot. Arrest, it is a happy business.
There were tears across the globe this morning when news leaked that Justin Bieber’s plea bargain defence for illegal street racing will be accepted. Meaning that the half-man half-hair moussed jackal is free to continue his spree of crimes against music. Continue reading
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“Entitled, moi?”
The Minister for Africa, Mark Simmonds, has resigned saying that he can’t live on his current income as it does not allow him to buy a family home in SW1. A state of affairs many are calling the saddest thing ever to happen since Dumbledore was killed. Continue reading
Filed under Politics
Does the painting make anyone else think of Vigo the Carpathian?
In a speech today Iain Duncan Smith vowed to make more cuts to benefits and to introduce harder sanctions against the jobless including waterboarding and giving them spoilers for Game of Thrones. Continue reading
Don’t look at this picture if you’re at work, it could render you too intoxicated to carry on
Stringent new rules on alcohol are set to be introduced including health warnings on bottles, and visualising a pint while behind the wheel being enough to put you over the drink-drive limit. Continue reading
“Miss me?”
As corruption, Syria, and flesh-eating zombies dominate the headlines – well, maybe not the zombies but would you be surprised? – the world is today facing up to a new horror: Phil Collins has announced that he is coming out of retirement. Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment
Look what door he’s stood in front of. Is this what’s coming next?
Danny Cohen, the BBC’s Director of Television, has said that the corporation doesn’t think Jeremy Clarkson is racist but confirms that he is awful.
“I am convinced that Jeremy Clarkson is not racist,” Cohen wrote in a letter to the Guardian, “but merely a bully who mocks anyone who isn’t experiencing the world from his bubble of privilege.” Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment
The mark of the devil
There are increasing calls for Gardeners’ Question Time to be taken off air following revelations of its unhinged behaviour. The latest one comes a day after Dr Ben Pitcher of the University of Westminster accused the show of being racist for using terms like ‘native’ and ‘non-native’ when discussing plant species and using the word ‘soil’ as a coded reference to racial purity. Continue reading
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The joke fell flat when both men insisted that the other pull his finger
Boris Johnson has ended months of speculation this morning by confirming that he will be ending David Cameron’s political career in 2015. Continue reading
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Constant vigilance: Dave eyes up other potential sea-dwelling assaults on his dignity
Authorities in Cascais, Portugal have been ordered to cull jellyfish ahead of David Cameron taking a holiday swim. The Prime Minister is currently enjoying his second holiday abroad in four months and is anxious not to repeat the moment last time when he strode into the sea only to be swiftly stung and ejected by a jellyfish. Continue reading
Today there’d be a huge social media campaign including tweets from Prince Harry telling people to enlist
As conflicts in Gaza, Syria and many other places continue to rage, the West is commemorating WWI with fondness for an era when soldiers wore neat and tidy uniforms and blew up other mainly white men with the minimum of fuss. Continue reading
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Tony Blair the oil painting: they say the self-righteousness follows you around the room
An ex-employee of the Tony Blair Faith Foundation, Martin Bright, has written about his former boss’ bizarre behaviour in a new book. Inside the foundation’s base, a posh tower block in the West End known as The Messiah Complex, Blair exposes staff to shocking scenes. Continue reading
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Size of Deep Web explained: imagine that all you can see of William here is the part of the web that shows up in Google searches, the rest of him is that which does not.
The Deep Web long home to hackers and gun-sellers, conspiracy theorists and drug dealers is under threat not from GCHQ or the FBI but the British middle class.
“It’s a nightmare,” said Harold resident seventeen year old Simon Delaney. “I thought the Deep Web was going to be full of really brilliant porn not my bloody parents going on about vegetables.” Continue reading
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Filed under Technology
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