Author Archives: Perks

Shortage of soldiers sees parliament discuss sending Scouts into Syria

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Parliament will be recalled today to discuss the logistics of sending troops into Syria. With most of our soldiers in Afghanistan, in hospital or in the dole queue, MPs will discus the viability of sending in Air Cadets and Scouts.

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond said: “to do nothing would be immoral, but like a really crap game of risk we have run out of soldiers to send in.”

“Sending in Air Cadets and Scouts is our only hope, especially as I found out last night ‘Dad’s Army’ was fictional and not a fly-on-the-wall documentary.”

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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Forget the new foreign office advice, here are some Harold by-laws you must not forget

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Following the extra foreign office advice warning of odd laws you may fall foul of when you are abroad, we thought we should remind you of some by-laws in Harold.

Beastiality is legal for half an hour every other Lammas Day not every. Villagers must check before embarking and are reminded that non-consensual human/animal relations remains an offence no matter what day it is.

All French people will be incarcerated in the village keep until their trustworthiness is vouched for by a man of good standing who owns a house and at least five goats (not enforced since Eric Cantona drove through Harold by mistake).

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Filed under Around Harold

BBC to consider recalling Nick Robinson early

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The decision will be taken today whether or not Nick Robinson should be recalled out of hibernation.

The BBC look set to make the decision at a time when journalists traditionally take time off.

This has left them with a shortage of reporters to camp out side the main news stories: No 10 to cover the political discussions around military action in Syria, and in Scotland covering the second biggest birth event if the year, a pregnant panda.

A BBC spokesman said: “at this time of year, political reporting types like Nick are placed in a cardboard box with hole in the top and filled with straw, enough food and a copy of Private Eye.”

“They are then placed in the new Blue Peter garden in Salford for a couple of months, before being transported back to London and awoken in a controlled environment around Central Lobby.”

Although this has been done before, the Royal Society for treating Political Correspondents like Animals (RSPCA) has warned unless done with care the early reawakening process could cause problems with their body clock.

“It has been known that they think they are in September already” one RSPCA officer told us.

“When Andrew Marr was recalled early to cover the invasion of Iraq, he spent the first few days reporting on a Queen’s Speech that had not yet been written.”

“The confusion between what his brain was expecting and what he was hearing caused long-term, irreversible damage to his ears.”

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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Highways Agency to ‘keep traffic moving’ by making their vehicles ‘undercover’.

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With traditionally heavy Bank Holiday traffic expected on the road today, the Highways Agency has announced it is to help cars travel freely on the UK’s motorways by making their highway officers ‘undercover’.

The usually highly visible Highway Agency vehicles can be seen driving up and down the country’s motorway network, plodding along at 60mph, waiting for the opportunity to put out some cones or, on a really exciting day, close the road.
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Family to release holiday video ‘straight to Netflix’

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With modern technology changing our viewing habits, the Jeffery family from Harold have made the decision to release this year’s holiday video straight to Netflix.

“Over the years, people are showing less and less interest in viewing the ‘Jeffery Family Holiday’ video at the scheduled broadcast time” Ms Jeffery explained.

“At first I thought they were trying to send us a hint that maybe they weren’t that interested, but after a bit of research I found out most people like to view things on demand now. That explains why nobody turned up last year, or the year before that.”
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Filed under Entertainment, Lifestyle, News, Travel

Banks misselling feature: Have you ever been in a bank? You’ve probably been mis-sold something

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Have you ever walked into a bank, and had a conversation with one of the cashiers? Have you taken advantage of telephone banking only to find yourself talking to someone on the other end of the phone? Have you ever banked online and had some words on the screen?

If you have answered yes to any of the above, a new investigation has shown you were probably mis-sold something.
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Filed under Lifestyle, News

Syria latest: Rebels told help will be available if they ‘find more oil’.

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Amid allegations of chemical weapons being used against innocent civilians, the United Nations led by the UK and the US have put their foot down and told the rebels they need to find more oil before they can expect help.

In a league of global oil producers, Syria is currently 32nd, which puts them below the ‘red line’ that determines automatic help.

This position puts them below Australia, Norway and Iraq – whose 7th place gives them help against weapons of mass destruction, including the imaginary ones.

In a statement released by the UN following an emergency meeting, they said “arming the rebels is too dangerous at the moment as the weapons may get into the wrong hands. That is a risk we are not willing to take unless it means we can run our 4x4s and air conditioning for an additional 50 years.”

However, as in all international negotiations we are willing to move our position and step in to stop genocide. So instead of weapons we will be sending drills, and if they find more oil, we will be there to not only help the Syrian people, but also help ourselves.”

The question of training for the rebels to use the drills has been put forward after the preferred company, Cuadrilla, pulled out.

In a statement the company said “we would love to go and start drilling the proven oil-rich Middle East, but we cannot commit to any further projects until we have finished in the ‘gold mine’ that is Balcombe”.

When Mik Bulk met Assad (we think): For the in depth opinion piece, click these words.

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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Mechanics ‘delighted’ with new Travelodge recommendation

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Following years of being ranked by mechanics from The AA and RAC, hotel group Travelodge have decided to start ranking Motor Garages. A maximum of 5 stars can be achieved as mechanics are judged on their customer service, ability to resist sighing during an examination, and the inappropriate positioning of a Page 3 calendar.
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Filed under News, Travel

David Miranda takes legal action to stop authorities looking at his holiday photos.

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David Miranda – the partner of Glen Greenwald, the Guardian journalist who released documents about privacy from Edward Snowden – has begun legal action to stop anti-terrorist police from viewing and subsequently sharing his embarrassing holiday photos.

“They can look at all the documents on my laptop, and my browsing history on my i Pad, but there is no way they are looking at the holiday snaps on my camera,” Mr Miranda told us.
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Prince William interview: the Evening Harold gets Exclusive first newspaper interview with the new dad.

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In his fist newspaper interview since his wife gave birth to baby George, Prince William has described to a world full of Mothers and Fathers what it is like to be a parent.

Speaking about the first nappy change, William explained how he coped with the experience. “I found that it is harder than it looks, and it took me quite some time to remember the nanny’s number. That said, once I had summoned her she was very good. She even let us leave the room so we could avoid any nasty odours.”

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Filed under International News, News, Royals

Prestigious literary award given to local teenager for ‘detailed Facebook updates’.

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There was a shock winner at the Evening Harold Online Literary Awards last night, with the main prize, online writer of the year, going to the relatively unknown local girl Melanie Delaney, 19, for her autobiographical writings on Facebook.

With her friends being kept informed of everything from the idiots on the bus on her way to work, to her decision to use a break in ‘X-Factor’ to ‘pop to the loo’ resulting in her weeing in record time, the judges agreed that no other online writer produced such a detailed account of anything else throughout the year.

“Not only did she give us an insight into how she was feeling with just a single emoticon, she also added mystery and intrigue with updates such as ‘not again’, ‘arse’ and ‘*sigh’”, one of the judging panel explained.
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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News

Russian athlete Yelena Isinbayeva defends Russia’s right to assassinate.

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Russian athlete, Yelena Isinbayeva, has created more controversy at the World Championships claiming that the assassination of state enemies on foreign soil is just part of Russian culture, and the rest of the world should just accept it.

“The use of polonium-2-10 to administer radiation directly into a person via a hot drink is just the way we deal with things in Russia” Ms Isinbayeva tols reporters. “If the person happens to be in another country, then so be it, but our traditions should be respected.”

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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Sport

Jeremy Paxman and Jeremy Kyle swap places in latest ‘TV mash-up’

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Following in the footstep of ‘8 out of 10 cats’ and ‘Countdown’, the BBC and ITV have joined forces to bring us the ultimate ‘mash-up programmes’. In aid of comic relief, Jeremy Paxman and Jeremy Kyle have swapped places for a day and recorded each others shows

‘The Jeremy Paxman show’ saw the newly-bearded presenter take on some of society’s more special examples of guests, but without the use of lie detectors, DNA tests and security guards. Whilst over on BBC2’s ‘Newsnight’,, Kyle grilled the politicians in the days news using his usual tools to break them down, before offering them counseling with his aftercare team.
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Train companies to use 4.1% fare rise to create ‘bring your own seat’ carriages.

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Passengers are advised to bring a spare hamock should floor space be at a premium

With the announcement that rail fares will rise by an average of 4.1% next year, train companies have unveiled how they will use the extra money to increase seating opportunities for customers during peak periods. Current rolling stock will be stripped out and tickets will now be sold on a ‘bring your own seat’ basis.

“We acknowledge that passengers tend not to like change, so we will keep the option to stand for a three hour journey” Great Western trains managing director, Tim Hopwood, explained. “We believe this will still be the most popular option following our trials on livestock, but for the most discerning customer they can bring their own seat.”

The news has led to people panic buying, leaving many motorway service areas without stock of their 2 for £10 camping chairs.

Passenger groups have said that although they are not happy with a 4.1% rise in fares being used to reduce the level of service they receive, they have said the changes are not as bad as they though they would be.

In a statement, one group said they had feared much worse after seeing prototypes for roller blades adapted to run on rails. However the train companies have said they were just testing out the idea, but the trials on the same livestock was less successful.

Controversially, these changes will see first class carriages also stripped bare, but as Mr Hopwood explained, this will cause far less of an issue.

“We found that those that have the sort of money that means they can upgrade from a private jet to a first class rail ticket are usually in the position to have staff carry they couch on board for them, or at the very least, they can sit on one of their civil servants.”

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Politics, Travel

‘Baby boom’ proves Brits may be crap in bed, but we are the most productive.

20130809-002408.jpgA survey by the Office of National Statistics has shown that although the British are notoriously bad in bed, we are the most productive. The survey has shown that there were more births in 2011-2012 than in any other year since 1972 -a vintage year in the baby-making industry that brought us Miranda Hart and Liam Gallagher.

The increase in the birth rate has seen the UK go to number one of EU countries. It is seen as proof that although the French and Italians may be revered for their caring, loving and sensual approach to love making, the traditional British 5-minute-fumble with a stranger is still the most reliable technique for reproduction.

David Cameron has been very quick to jump on this good news story. During a visit with the Mayor of London to a maternity ward, the prime minister told reporters, “This goes to show that despite cuts and austerity, British manufacturing is thriving. This is the most productive this country has been in over 40 years.”

Boris Johnson was also swift to praise the results of the report. When asked if he thought the UK could now retain its place at the top of the baby-making league he said he was “doing his best”.

Not everyone has been so positive though. Len McCluskey, leader of the Unite Union said one good year is not indicative of the industry as a whole. “The human reproduction industry is very similar to coal mining” he told us. “Any positive thoughts are quickly ruined when you lay back and think of Maggie.”

The ONS has used the report to try and rekindle the pride felt in Britain over the year covered. “This recent ‘baby-boom’ has occurred over a time that included the London Olympics” the report said, “which just goes to show, although we weren’t to good in the pool, little British swimmers were still the winners.”

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Filed under Lifestyle, Politics, Uncategorized

Doctor Who announcement: BBC lose rights to BT

20130804-061149.jpgWith the impending retirement of Matt Smith as Doctor Who, the BBC have commissioned a special, one-off programme to be aired this evening that will announce they have lost the broadcast rights to the cult sci-fi classic.

Following in the footsteps of football, rugby and MotoGP, in-depth coverage of the time-lord’s antics will be fronted by Jake Humphrey on BT’s new television channel.

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Royal Mail postman to pay back £120 from birthday cards

20130803-014617.jpgHarold’s long term postman, Jack Thornley, has announced he is to return £120 he earned last year from Royal Mail customers’ birthday cards.

The figure is a ‘posties bonus’ that is earned on top of their annual salary and is paid to reward employees who take the time to not only shake for coins, but also have the foresight to delve further in to the cards on the hunt for high value paper.

His offer to pay the money back to the intended recipients comes on the back of the decision by Royal Mail chief executive Moya Greene to pay back £120,000 she received towards the cost of a new house. This was on top of her nearly £500,000-a-year salary and other bonuses which all total £1.47m.

“I realise that in times of austerity it is wrong that I should continue to accept the money sent to villagers in birthday cards” Mr Thornley said. “If our chief executive can take moral stance on bonuses she shouldn’t be really have been paid in the first place, then so can I.”

Although the move has been welcomed by the village’s residents, it has been condemned by the Communication Workers Union.

“We have spent many years and numerous strikes trying to uphold our members pay and conditions” a spokesman for the CWU told us.

“The ‘finders keepers’ clause has been around since 1934 and Mr Thornley’s actions are an insult to all those posties that got arrested for theft, fighting for the right to intercept customers’ gifts”

Mr Thornley’s moral crusade will start next week when he will begin redistributing his gains, but he has warned his customers not to expect a lot.

“The total I earned from cards last year was actually £585 and an Ann Summers gift card, but as the cash element of the bonus has already been spent, I shall only be returning the named cheques I couldn’t cash in.”

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Filed under Business, News, Politics

Levels of BS in central London reach dangerously low levels.

houses-of-parliamentEvaluations by environmental health officers in Westminster have shown that levels of bullshit (BS) have reached dangerously low levels. This has seen concerns for those in the media that feed off the BS, usually from a prime harvesting location outside 10 Downing Street.

The lower than usual levels of BS has been linked to the summer recess in parliament. As with honey production being down due to the lack of bees in the UK, BS production has hit an all time low as MPs pretend to do constituency work from yachts in the Mediterranean Continue reading

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Do you want a vegetable-free diet? Try all new ‘PorQu’

The UK's finest Vegetable substitute

The UK’s finest Vegetable substitute

Are you having trouble convincing your children to eat their vegetables? Are you a carnivore that struggles to get your recommended daily amount of meat? Are you just looking for a way to improve your evening meal? Then why not try PorQu.

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Filed under Culture, Health, Lifestyle

Picture special: Archbishop denies conflict of interest at Churches first credit union meeting

Welby thought it best not to bring his ceremonial crook, or Earl as he is known

Welby thought it best not to bring his ceremonial crook, or Earl as he is known

As you would expect, the meeting of the Churches first credit union meeting in Harold created a huge amount of interest.

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by | July 26, 2013 · 1:36 pm