Author Archives: Perks

by | March 11, 2014 · 2:19 pm

‘Future celebrity murder trials to be Pay-Per-View’, Sky announce.

20140311-141433.jpg

Following on from the previous success of the OJ Simpson trial, and now the Oscar Pistorius murder trial, Sky have announced the next big ‘celebrity murdering partner’ court case will be pay-per-view.

“Of course it is sad that someone has to die in these cases, and if we could somehow have a murder trial without it then we would,” a Sky Box Office spokesman said.

“But that aside, there is money to be made. With added revenue from an armchair jury willing to pay £15 a week for the entertainment, we could get Ant and Dec to present it with expert analysis from law experts and previous defendants.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Future celebrity murder trials to be Pay-Per-View’, Sky announce.

Filed under Crime, Entertainment, News

Tagged as , , , ,

by | March 9, 2014 · 1:00 pm

North Korea elections ‘example of democracy for Ukraine’ claims Kim Jong-un

image

Here is a picture of all of North Korea's eligable voters casting their vote

North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has waded into the Ukraine debate today, telling the country to look at his own country’s election that took place today as a beacon of democracy. “This is how governments should be decided,” Mr Kim said in a statement to the Ukrainian politicians.

“People voting not with guns and violence, but with their feet, or for those that haven’t had them chopped off, with their hands.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on North Korea elections ‘example of democracy for Ukraine’ claims Kim Jong-un

Filed under International News, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | March 7, 2014 · 2:47 pm

Man regrets putting phone in ‘airplane mode’ after being charged for excess baggage

20140307-144410.jpg

A man has said he is disappointed, upset and overall confused at the new charges on his recent mobile phone bill. The new fees included excess baggage, extra legroom and a large fee for paying his bill by credit card.

“I called my provider and they confirmed the new charges were a result of me putting my phone into ‘airplane mode’,” he told us.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Man regrets putting phone in ‘airplane mode’ after being charged for excess baggage

Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | March 3, 2014 · 2:02 pm

Boris’ plan to remove radicalised children backfires as Eton’s raided

20140303-135940.jpg

Boris Johnson’s plans to have radicalised children removed from their home seems to have backfired when social workers began taking children out of his old school, Eton.

The Mayor of London said the idea was to try to rehabilitate people that have been brainwashed into thinking they are somehow better than everyone else, and were likely to try and harm others in later years.

“As soon as we were made aware of the scheme we looked around the community to identify any radicalised children,” the head of social services in Windsor told us.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Boris’ plan to remove radicalised children backfires as Eton’s raided

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

Prince George to continue ‘king training’ with first-class trip to New Zealand and Australia

20140302-232232.jpg

Kensington Palace has announced that as part of his ongoing ‘King’ training, Prince George will join the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on a first-class, all expenses paid trip to New Zealand and Australia.

“It’s not like he had anything else to to,” a palace spokesman told us.

“At the moment he just kind of sits there in a bouncy throne, with people feeding him and wiping his arse, and generally doing not a lot. So all in all his king training is going much better than we could have expected.”

Some are seeing this as yet another example of the Royal Family modernising with the parents of a royal child actually choosing to have him around.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Prince George to continue ‘king training’ with first-class trip to New Zealand and Australia

Filed under International News, News, Royals

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | March 2, 2014 · 4:00 pm

Ed Miliband to adopt Alan Pardew style management techniques

20140302-155915.jpg

Despite the criticism Newcastle United’s Alan Pardew has received from the public, football experts and Robbie Savage for his headbutt on a Hull player, Ed Miliband has said he can see the merits of the management technique of ‘laying one on the nut’ of the opposition’s team.

‘I wouldn’t normally advocate violence unless it involved an army, dodgy evidence and was in a country far from here” the Labour leader said.

“But after watching Match of the Day, the more I think about it the more I can see the benefits of moving Michael Gove out of my way in the voting lobby by “pushing him” with my head. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Ed Miliband to adopt Alan Pardew style management techniques

Filed under News, Politics, Sport

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | · 8:00 am

Ukip candidates emptying ‘skeletons from closets’: museums expecting influx of artifacts

image

Even Farage's pets had skeletons in their closets

With potential Ukip members now being asked to make sure they have no ‘skeletons in their closets’, museums up and down the UK are preparing for an unprecedented amount of new artifacts to display.

The new rules for potential candidates includes declarations such as “I have never been engaged in… racist activity”, “I do not have any skeletons in the cupboard”, and “I have never, in any way, acted like Godfrey Bloom”.

This move by the party has led to the hurried emptying of closets that has left the Harold Natural History Museum inundated with artifacts to add to its otherwise mundane collection.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Ukip candidates emptying ‘skeletons from closets’: museums expecting influx of artifacts

Filed under Culture, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | February 27, 2014 · 11:32 am

Legal pre-nuptial agreements come too late for Nick Clegg

20140227-113107.jpg

Nick Clegg has welcomed calls for pre-nuptial agreements to become enforceable by courts. He believes that had such a guarantee been in place when he got in bed with David Cameron in 2010, then the impending divorce between them would have been a lot less messy than it is going to be.

“We already have our wedding vows, or as some call it the coalition agreement,” he explained, “but that only deals with how we treat each other while we’re together. I must love and obey, in sickness and in health, even when raising tuition fees.

Continue reading →

2 Comments

Filed under Politics, Sex

by | February 23, 2014 · 8:00 am

Concerns for Ed Miliband as he says PMQ’s is why public dislike politicians

20140223-064814.jpg

Concerns have been raised Labour leader Ed Miliband after he said he’s done a lot of thinking and decided it is Prime Minister’s Question’s that “subtracts from the reputation of politics” and definitely not the MPs expenses scandal, a proposed 11% pay rise, many MPs having six-figures salary directorships on the side, failed economic policies or their inability to put people before big businesses and banks.

Speaking on the BBC, Miliband said: “People can accept us selling half the country’s gold reserves at rock bottom prices and the coalition’s attack on the most vulnerable through welfare reform, but they just will not accept planted questions and the occasional joke at PMQ’s.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Concerns for Ed Miliband as he says PMQ’s is why public dislike politicians

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | February 22, 2014 · 7:30 am

Chris Moyles ‘disappointed’ to find out he’s not a ‘second-hand car salesman’.

image

Chris claims he thought 'BBC' stood for 'Bumpers, Boot and Cupholders'

Former Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles has said he is disappointed to discover he is not a second-hand car salesman as declared on his 2008 self-assessment tax return. The news came to Moyles during a tribunal into a claim he used “working wheels” to avoid paying up to £1m in tax.

“I genuinely thought I had what it takes,” Moyles said in a statement. “I had over £600,000 appearing in my bank account that year and hadn’t even kicked a tyre, let alone set foot on a forecourt. Imagine how well I could have done if I had put more into it.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Chris Moyles ‘disappointed’ to find out he’s not a ‘second-hand car salesman’.

Filed under Business, Entertainment, News

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | February 19, 2014 · 7:00 am

NHS delay selling personal info until ‘public convinced their opinion is wrong’.

20140218-195455.jpg

NHS England has announced it will delay selling your details and medical records to third parties until they have convinced the public it will be ok.

A spokesman for the organisation said: “Because people are now realising that the companies holding the information can’t be 100% guaranteed not to lose it and that in some circumstances it may be possible to identify you, we understand we have to spend more time and money convincing them not to worry.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on NHS delay selling personal info until ‘public convinced their opinion is wrong’.

Filed under Health, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

by | February 17, 2014 · 7:00 am

Rooney stumbles across 300,000 reasons a week to not abandon the sinking ship

image

Like the band on the Titanic, Rooney says he now has enough reasons not to jump ship

After months of tough contract negotiations and threats to hand in a transfer request, Wayne Rooney has stumbled across 300,000 reasons a week to stay at Manchester United.

Currently on 250,000 reasons a week, the extra 50,000 reasons was enough for him to end speculation and finally sign a 5 year contract.

The striker and Shrek look-a-like said that even up to last week United’s position meant that the 250,000 reasons he had to stay were not enough, but he has now conceded that the extra few reasons he’s got are enough to convince him he loves the club and will remain loyal until he needs more reasons to stay. “Once a red, always a red” he said.

  Comparing himself to the band on the Titanic, Rooney said he is willing to keep playing despite the sinking feeling on board at Old Trafford. “Its the right and moral thing to do,” he told reporters. “If that band had a contract worth £82.8m, I’m sure they would still be playing now.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Rooney stumbles across 300,000 reasons a week to not abandon the sinking ship

Filed under News, Showbusiness, Sport

Tagged as , , , ,

by | February 14, 2014 · 1:16 pm

Police host special episode of ‘Piers Morgan’s (Slightly Dodgy) Life Story’

20140214-131612.jpg

Former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan has been questioned in front of a live audience of detectives by police investigating phone hacking in the latest ITV programme, Piers Morgan’s (slightly dodgy) Life Story.

The episode, which sees the tables turned on the chat show host and twitter warrior, was hosted by the officers in charge of Operation Weeting with Morgan answering questions about his past. It is understood Morgan was in tears as he recalled an upsetting phone call, between an A-list celebrity and his lover.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Police host special episode of ‘Piers Morgan’s (Slightly Dodgy) Life Story’

Filed under breaking news, Entertainment, Law and Order, News

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | · 11:00 am

‘Call Clegg’ to go late night, possibly on Babestation

20140213-214330.jpg

Nick Clegg’s radio phone-in programme ‘Call Clegg’ on LBC is to go ‘late night’ before the general election the Lib Dem leader announced. Babestation are favourite to host the show.

“I’ve not watched Babestation but it can’t be that different,” Clegg explained. “From my understanding I just need to speak to callers on a phone whilst on a webcam.

“I’ve been warned that occasionally I may be asked to make things go tits up but if I’m honest, that a speciality of mine.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Call Clegg’ to go late night, possibly on Babestation

Filed under Culture, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | February 11, 2014 · 4:02 pm

Kim Jong-un accused of visiting UK flood victims just for a photo opportunity

20140211-155544.jpg

Following In the footsteps of Labour leader Ed Miliband, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has been accused of trying to capitalise on people’s misery and enhance his image in the West by visiting flood affected areas in the UK for a photo opportunity.

“In this situation he has about as much power and influence as Miliband,” one angry resident of Purley said.
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under environment, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | February 9, 2014 · 8:00 am

Foreign-born cleaner resigns after discovering employer is a Tory

image

In hindsight, the daily cleaning of graffiti on the house should have been a clue

In the light of immigration minister Mark Harper resigning his position after it emerged he employed a cleaner who did not have permission to work in the UK, a separate incident has seen a foreign-born cleaner leaving their post after it emerged their employer was a Tory.

The cleaner has apologised for not carrying out reasonable checks on the person whose house they clean and said that although they had been a British citizen for the last 13 years, being from another country means they should have checked their employer was not, in fact, a Tory.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Foreign-born cleaner resigns after discovering employer is a Tory

Filed under Culture, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | February 6, 2014 · 12:21 pm

Bill Roache not guilty : ‘Trial by Twitter’ credibility now in doubt

20140206-121948.jpg

After yesterday’s announcement by Twitter it had made a loss of $645M, the micro-blogging site’s share price and ‘trial by twitter’ credibility took another hit today when Coronation Street actor Bill Roache was found not guilty of historical sexual assault charges.

“It turns out that sometimes our policy of users finding someone guilty without any facts isn’t as full proof as we thought,” Twitter’s CEO Dick Costolo told us.

“Normally, with the likes of Sally Bercow on our Jury of millions, we can call someone guilty before they have even been arrested, replacing the traditional ‘innocent until proven guilty’ judicial system with a ‘throw enough shit and it might stick’ technique.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Bill Roache not guilty : ‘Trial by Twitter’ credibility now in doubt

Filed under breaking news, Entertainment, Law and Order, News

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

‘Nazi-MP’ steps down: ‘Tories too right wing for me’

20140205-224816.jpg

The Conservative MP at the heart of a Nazi-party controversy has announced he will step down from his position saying even he thought “the party was drifting further right than the Third Reich”.

“I may have bought Nazi costumes but I didn’t realise there was a serious risk they would become standard uniform,” Aidan Burley said.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Nazi-MP’ steps down: ‘Tories too right wing for me’

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | February 1, 2014 · 7:55 am

Miliband reduces unions’ power to stop them voting for him again

20140201-080346.jpg

Ed Miliband, leader of the Labour Party has vowed to reform the way the party choses its leader to prevent the mistakes that stopped his brother taking charge.

It was because of the unions’ powerful votes that Miliband took the helm of the party despite the majority of party members preferring his brother David, a shock result that Ed himself described as ‘a travesty’.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Miliband reduces unions’ power to stop them voting for him again

Filed under breaking news, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | January 31, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Transfer deadline day excitement leads to public panic buying footballers

image

With football’s transfer deadline day upon us again, the whole country waits with bated breath to see who multi-millionaire footballers will be employed by tomorrow. But this year’s deadline day coverage is expected to reach such excitable levels there are fears that the public may start panic buying footballers.

“I watched Sky Sports News’ coverage for four hours this morning,” Simon Delaney, Harold resident and proud new owner of three Premier League players told us.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Transfer deadline day excitement leads to public panic buying footballers

Filed under News, Sport

Tagged as , , , , , , ,